The Cute Little Angel and Cancer

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I was constantly staring at that cute little fairy wandering in the crowd fearlessly. She was probably 5 or 6 years old, wearing a stunning pink and white dress. Half of her hair were tied in a band while half of them were scattered on the forehead. It was a traditional Mehndi function and the stage In front of the groom was covered in lighted candles fixed in small clay containers. She would go running towards the stage and try to touch those candles and her mother would come to her, pick her up and take her back to the table where her family was sitting. She was eager to touch the candles so whenever her mother would get busy she would run towards the stage.

In that boring purposeless function, the only prettiest thing that indulged me was that beautiful angel. I love babies and children and I always wished I could have a cute baby girl like her. Her Mother gave birth to her brother a month ago. They live in UK and are our relatives.

Today I heard that she is diagnosed with blood Cancer. I was shocked and terrified and I felt like my heart has stopped beating for a while. Such a cute little angel and such a dreadful disease. She is so small so innocent how would she bear such intense pain. My heart is crying for her since I have heard the news, I am worried about her and about her family specially her Mother. How would she see her little angel in such a pain. From where would she collect the courage ?

I can’t express what I am feeling right now. The point of sharing these News with you is only that you pray for her health and her long life. I have heard, and witnessed that prayers are very powerful. If everyone of you who reads my post will pray for her, may be Allah listens and May be He gives her health back to her. After all, He is the merciful and Kind.

Please take out some seconds from your busy life and give her a beautiful gift of Dua. May she recovers very soon. Ameen !

Back Here Again !

Hi my beautiful fellows ! I don’t know right now whether any of you still follows my blog or not or whether anyone of you will get to read this post or it will stay here, unnoticed. I have written on my other blog for about 7 months and tonight, I felt like returning back to this one. I can’t figure out why I love this blog so much. May be because this is the place where I used to write with all my heart, where I used to share what I felt without even bothering to give words all the fanciness and glitter. Where I made so many beautiful friends and met so many honest and nice people who helped me in my bad times and never left me alone.

This blog was the place where I used to wander when I was struggling to go through life. When my mind never used to get tired of thinking in new dimensions and above all, when He was with me. When my Allah was with me. I lost Him on my way to pass life and I am struggling to get Him back from then. May be this place helps me to get Him back. May be you people help me to get Him back.

Back then, I wished to get a normal life. Now, I want to get that life back again. I want to get heart broken and I want to get all my pain back. That pain was the reason He was here. It was the reason I was in Love with him and He used to listen to me. It was a part of me and now¬† I am alone and miserable but I don’t feel that pain. A black hole of abyss is sucking me deep inside and this hollowness in my heart, it grows. I wan’t to cry but I can’t. May be man never gets satisfied with what he gets.

I wish you still read me here. I would be glad to know if you doūüôā Love you all.

A Fresh Start !

Ok this fresh start is not for my life. It is for my blogging experience. I have started a new blog…. I was tire of witing and thinking about myself and I need a break from that. Meanwhile I will be writing on that new one. You all are warmly welcomed there as I need you all in my journey. Please read the about page first. I will be writing FOR myself there and ABOUT myself here on this blog.

Here is the address : http://www.shadowsofthedivine.wordpress.com

Thank you.

“I Love You” – A Fiction.

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She said, “I need to talk to you !”

And he never did.

He reminisced. Each time she tried to share her feelings he pushed her away. Every time she cried in front of him, he was pissed off. Each time she said that she needed him with her, he disappeared.

He shouts on her , insults her but she never turned away…. she threw her self respect far away for him….And he use all his self respect and ego against her. Whenever they had a fight, he never apologized and talked to her first. And every time she made him realize that after talking and resolving the fight by apologizing first.

Love of Human

Sacrificed Self respect

Butchered ego

Pleasurable pain

Enchanting heartache

Dying Wishes

Trembling smiles

Tranquility

He never knew through how much pain she has to go through to keep poking him with texts and call when she knew he don’t care. She knew he won’t reply but still she kept staring at the screen for a long time and then burst into tears.

“I Love you”

“I Love you too”

These were the words that begun and end there conversation…..and which were the only words to say when they had nothing else left to say to each other…..and these were the words he kept saying to her almost a hundred times a day……

And he recalled, He was not there for her in her most miserable times….. She stopped sharing her pain because she wanted him in her life.

Tears were dropping by his eyes…one by one…..and he was staring in the air…..

He recalled the texts she left for her in these days….She said she wanted to talk to him but he was angry…He was taking a break from her…He never replied….He never talked to her……..He needed time.

He never knew time is a thing no one can have. It doesn’t breathe but it dies.

She shared her feelings once again this time and like always…..He turned his back on her. He stopped talking…He needed time. She kept talking….. She needed him.

But she had no time left…….

He wiped away his tears , put that red flower on her fresh grave and whispered , ” I Love you and I knew you would wait for me” .

Haunting regrets were all he was left with.

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* P.S Adrift : No, this is not FOR you…. This is ABOUT me. Couldn’t come up with anything better in this misery.

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O December…

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December…. A symbol of sadness and pain, quiet and peace, calmness and reticence. A symbol of unearned Love, unwanted desires and unanswered prayers. Mournful feelings of melancholy and gloom are embedded in its essence. Chilled winds full of woes an abyss….

Friedrich Nietzsche says

“When you stare into the abyss, it stares back at you”

December…. was never like this for me. I read thousands of quotes describing about its sad essence and many people discussing about its sorrowful qualities but I never believed them. It was like other months of the year for me until now….

When In the center of snow , I stand

See white snow  falling on the dry land

When chilling winds give me shiver

Sadness prevailed, Tears do wither

I see myself lost in the winds and snow

And here I stand, with agony and woe

Both my best friends yet worst enemies

And here I stand, invisible and vanished

Like shadows vanishing with nights

Cold that makes our inside, cold !

Blood freezes inside veins, Lifeless heart

Pumps it hard but never succeeds

And I am left with the effortless efforts and

unanswered questions, question marks

When every way I see is not for me

And I want to move, without ways , in abyss

White Darkness; The only thing I see

Rays of hope fainted , I am abandoned

In the horrifying cage of December…..

Empty handed I stand, Lifeless I grow

A soul-less statue I form, lost in the glow

Of December, The month of gloom and abyss…..

O December….

‚ÄúHe had been walking for a long time, ever since dark in fact, and dark falls soon in December.”

(“The Old House In Vauxhall Walk”)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She…

She is not a good blogger nor a good writer. She keeps writing same things again and again no matter what we say. Her writings always revolve around her own life…the same so called sadness, the same pain , the same fears…. She keeps writing about them and we keep advising her but she never understands nor does she change her views about anything. I think she should stop this…. I think she should bound herself again in the huge , concrete, unwanted walls of her own self…. Freedom is not for her….Sharing don’t suit her….It never did…. She should stop now, yeah ?

Happiness ? She do’t know what it is ? Oh she is a big liar ! Who don’t understand happiness ? She do too. She know how to smile…she know how to extract happiness from her favorite moments….She just don’t want herself to be happy…. she is giving her own self some kind of punishment which she don’t realize…. Why ? She laughs on jokes…she talks and make people laugh…. She seems normal enough ! Then why do she writes opposite to it ? May be she want sympathies of people…may be she wants pity ! May be she enjoys when people spend their time diverging her thoughts towards positiveness….. She is bad enough to be hated anyway !

She hates dreaming and she still do it….She still never stops and still gets wounded with their broken ends….And she is willing to bear an unending pain just for some seconds of amusement ? What a loser.

What a dual personality she is….. She says she loves Allah so much and on the same time she let Him down… She do things which He don’t like and still she thinks He loves her…. How can she do this ? She is definitely an abnormal person with no character and mind. She will soon die by drowning in her own self.

She annoys her readers now…I think she should stop it ! She definitely should…

 

 

Story of a date

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When words lost their meanings, when silence was the language

When barren was the heart, a rock , a stone, life bitter and tart

When tears were the drink, a sobbing champagne, a pain pie

I enjoyed dinner in perfect ambiance, with a partner ‘solitude’

Who being lovely enough to be hated, was a truth hidden in a lie

I danced that night , in madness, over sharp pieces of glass

With poison in stomach , wrapped in arms of ecstasy and trance

When It kissed me with knives , left me with pleasurable wounds

When I lost myself Inside me, when I was nowhere to be found

That night I was punished, in the fire of burning hell on ground

That night my soul was bruised , with all thrones gathered around

Ah! that night ended before the start, after agony became my best friend

Now every path is of pain , I want to walk without a path, is it a dead end ?

You want me to still have hope ? I have it. You want me to still try to stay happy ? I try. You want me to think positive ? I do.

I just need time to gather up myself again…..

 

 

 

 

Repentance, With Love.

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A black heart, dirty soul, tear filled eyes and trembling hands….. That is all I have. I don’t worth standing in front of you…. And still I am here….. I don’t deserve your mercy….. Yet still I am begging for it.

You are The Beneficent, you are The Merciful, You are The Almighty,  You are Kind. You Love me more than every single person in the world.

I do sins and I repent. You forgive me. I do sins again an I repent again and you forgive me. How would I ever be able to return you what you have been doing for me all my life ?

And here I am…begging you again with a bundle of sins on my shoulders….. I need you with me….I need to talk to you.

I know you are angry with me. And I know you will forgive me again. This feeling is all I have….More than a treasure for me. I need the exams you take from me…I need the difficulties…I need the problems….. I have realized what you always say that exams are for special persons to whom you want to give something other than ordinary.

I have realized, a life full of comfort and happiness is nothing….. I have realized I am nothing without you….

I know the difference now when you take my exams and when you punish me….I have recognized the feeling…. I want to have more….

I want to indulge in Ishq-e-haqiqui…..I want to be your ‘Muqarab’…… I want to Live this life for you….. I know my Wishes are huge…But same is your personality Allah….and I know I am wishing it from you…… You are Almighty.

I Love you Allah tala jee I Love you….Please forgive me…..

I am running out of words…..But you know what is going on in my heart…..I don’t know fancy words to attract you….I just have a plain simple heart and soul who is filled with your Love…..You know me Allah tala and I know you will respond…..

I just want to tell you I am embarrassed….I can’t lift up my eyes…..I am feeling ashamed of myself…..and I love you.

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Ek din Hazrat Moosa (A.S) ne Allah se kaha k mai Aapki Rehmat aur insan k gunah dekhna chahta hn Allah ne frmaya Peche dekho, Dekha to ek bohot bare Samandar k andar 1 drakht par 1 chirya apne mou mai mitti le kr bethi hai,

Hazrat Moosa (A.S) ne kaha ye kya.

Allah ne farmaya,

ye Samandar meri Rehmat hai aur ye drakht dunya , ye chirya insan aur us k mo mai jo thori c mitti hai wo us k Sare Gunah hain. Agar ye apna mo khol kr mitti(Gunah) pani mai gira de to meri Rehmat ko koi farq nhi parta. To kyun na insan touba kre aur main maaf na kron, insan to Naadan hai.

[ One day Hazrat Moosa (R.A) said to Allah that I want to see your blessing and human’s sins. Allah asked him to see behind. He saw a huge sea and a tree inside it, a sparrow sitting on that tree and some mud in its mouth.

Hazrat Moosa (A.S) said what is this ?

Allah said,

This sea is my blessings and this tree is this world, this sparrow is human being and the dirt in its mouth is all his sins. If this sparrow opens it’s mouth and throw all the dirt in water, it won’t effect my blessings . Then why not a human repents and I forgive him ? As human is unknowing.

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I should laugh.

What should I call myself ? Huh !

A loser ? A psycho patient ? A dumb idiot ? Sorry I can’t come up with a better word.

My life has been a total disaster…..I have been living in the house of my own imaginations.

All my life I thought I shouldn’t show my tears to my parents…I shouldn’t share my problems with the….They should never see me crying….. Why ? Because I thought they might get worried….I thought I have never given them any happiness so I have no right to give them pain because of me.

And today I am laughing at my thoughts. I am making fun of my own self…..

I was lying on my bed….crying and sobbing…..Reason was my parents.

They stood in the the door way…watching me. And then they left. They didn’t even say a word. ¬†They didn’t even ask why am I crying.

They didn’t even thought I am dying for their one sentence of sympathy and care.

I am witnessing the pile of my imagination about my parents scattered on the ground right now….. And I am laughing…..

Happiness means smiling and laughing….Yeah?

So I am happy……I am so happy.

Because I know now, my parents don’t give a F*** !!

I was wandering in a black hole with no start or end and suddenly I am at the dead end !

(16th november 2013….A post written while crying and in extreme emotional imbalance)

Chalo Ab Phool Chuntay Hain (Urdu Poetry)

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Chalo ab phool chuntay hain

Bohat zakham seh leyay, bohat dukh utha leye

Chalo ab kadam barhao k khushiyan chunnay ka waqt aya hai

Ao khushiyun ko ik naya taaru’f detay hain

Janti hun bohat zakhmi ho tum, Lahulahaan hai rooh tumhari

Aj bhi zakhmun se khoon rasta hai k ye zakham bharnay k naheen

Aj bhi marham milta hai na marham laganay wala

Aj b dil k dard se ankhain bojhal ho jati hain

Per bas ab aur naheen

Rooh katti phatti hai tu kya hua…. Ankhain tu salamat hain

Saans bhi chal rahi hai abhi , dil b dharakta hai seenay me

Chalo k ab phoolun ko marham banana hai

In zakhmun ko pher se chupana hai

Chalo k ab ‘mein’ ko khatam ker k ‘tu’ hona hai

Tumhari kahani ka ikhtataam aagya

Ab Allah ki likhi hue kahani shuru honi hai

Aur Allah tu apnay wadun se kabhi mukarta naheen ?

Chalo k ab khawabun ko ankhun me utarnay se pehlay

Qatal kerna seekhna hai

Chalo k ab gham ko bhi khusi bana ker

Galay lagana seekhna hai

Ansun ko dil k under utaarna seekhna hai

K ansun ko pehchannay walay log khatam ho gay

Chalo k dil ko pathar kerna hai , Zindagi ko moum kerna hai

Khizaan me bhi phool chunnay ki adat daalni hai

Is umeed per k shaid ab khizan me b pattay haray bharay rahain

Umeed per tu duniya qaem hai

Chalo hum bhi umeed lagatay hain

Pher se dia jalatay hain…..

Chalo ab phool chuntay hain……

K kuch haq hamara bhi tu hai in phoolun per ?

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Scared Of GoodByes

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Scared of Goodbyes

Afraid of departures

She couldn’t bear

Fearful heart and sorrowful sighs

The good bye hugs

The tears and moans

Pain rendering faces

Missing heart beats

The thought of never meeting again

The brain bangs

Beautiful memories fading into darkness

Of never ending forest

The thick fog of flashbacks

Was contaminated by thoughts of future

Nostalgia

The full stop

Was  it all an illusion ?

Pain exploded out

Of everything

It started raining

As the sky felt her

Winds were companions

Soft and cool

Sadness prevailed

Silence shouted

Her soul shivered

She closed her eyes

Made fists

As if she was locking

Weakness in them

And

She left

Silently…..

Without saying good bye

She was scared of good byes

Back Again !

Hey ! I am here again with you people as I always say I can be absent but never for ever ! Hope you all are doing fine. I gave my final presentation and vivas and it all went very well. In fact our Group got the highest marks and stood on first position. Enjoyed alot in these three weeks with my friends… the hang outs , the lunches and dinners, the window shopping and wandering on streets…. Ahh I miss it all !

I never thought leaving my friends would be that difficult…. I never thought I got that much attached to them in these four years…. I never realized how important they were for me….. I realized all this when I was leaving and they all were crying and hugging me like never before and I was crying even harder ! I felt terrible while leaving and I wish time flies back and I value this beautiful relationship !

I never knew before why people write poems and quotations for friendship…… For me friendship was a mere relationship for a specific time…. It was because I got friends before who betrayed me…. I wasn’t aware of the taste of real friendship and when I got it, I got so much busy in enjoying it that I forgot to think about its importance. And now when sitting in my room, alone, I am feeling its importance…………. And I feel torn apart.

We understand the value of things and people truly when they leave us……. I don’t know it is human nature or the nature of some humans !

I will the time I spent in university…. I will miss my beautiful time in hostel….I will miss my friends so much….All my life. I don’t know what life has for me in the future but I know it won’t be more beautiful than the time I just passed.

Will write something about it soon….. In the mean time I have to prepare my brother for his exam.

Love you all.

A Thorn……….

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The World is not heaven…. The world is not heaven…… A voice echoed in my ears and tore them apart along with my heart….. This world is not heaven………..

Then why did you show it to me…why did you let me feel it…why did you let me see it…. for some seconds…. for some bits…. why didn’t you kept it hidden from my eyes….

And now that I have seen my heaven why can’t I get it here ? It is very hard for me to see my heaven some steps away from me and I feel impossible to get it….. I stretch both my hands and I run fast but I can’t get there…. I return each time to the point where I started….. why ? because this world is not heaven…..

I got aware of what is meant by heaven and what is meant by living hell that day….. I got aware of the hidden meanings… The meanings about which people say, some things are better unknown !

I am burning in ¬†the fire…. The fire of my wishes…. Wishes which are not about things of this world… wishes which are about having a life….I don’t have any right of ‘living’ ? I was born to live dead ? The fire burns me inside…… I can’t breathe….

Iqbal says us to destroy ‘Me’ …. To destroy the self….. To live for others…. Then where did this fire come from ? He never mentioned it….. What is this then ?

Allah says the pain that takes me close to Him is an exam for me and the pain that takes me away from him is a punishment.

My pain took me closer to Him…. Can sins take people closer to Him ? I am confused.

I once read, Bigger the sin bigger is the gift after you repent. The gift of pain is too much to handle…. But the gift of Him is everything to hold on to…. I can’t decide who am I ?

I don’t know why I am crying from last… I don’t know how many hours and I don’t know how I slept in his feet today…. I don’t know why I feel Him so close to me right now…. I don’t know why I want to quit….quit this world and go to Him…. I don’t know why I am me…..

I feel jealous….I feel jealous of the people who say they are happy and satisfied…. I feel jealous of the people who can talk about Him for hours and then do things opposite to the one they just said….

Do I deserve craving for the only only wish I had ? Yes May be.

I am nothing, With you I am everything……. 30-1-2013

It pricks like a thorn….. It pricks like a thorn………. This world is not heaven… It burns like fire…. It cuts like a knife…. And it pricks like a thorn……

 

 

 

 

Happy Birth Day My Love !

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Happy Birth Day My Love !

Purity of a dew drop, Softness of petals of rose

Freshness of flowers and their glamorous glows

Exquisite diamond that is one of its kind

Put them together and our Love will be defined

 

No matter how grievous our lives become

We stayed together in melancholy and glum

Multiplied our happiness, divided our sorrow

Solved our problems though how big they grow

 

The world may have no place , no respect for ‘us’

We hold hands tight for the uniqueness we possess

Love may be pain for us, Life; bitter and vicious

Dreams may be poignant , Wishes; ferocious

 

But don’t worry Love, their would be a time

When we ll laugh and our heart beats ll rhyme

When we ll have a home of our wishes and dream

When we ll be in heaven thanking the Supreme

 

You were the one who taught me to live, love and smile

Held my finger, fought with me, took me close to Allah’s aisle

You gave me the best memories, The best moments to adore

You are the sweetness in my life, the only bliss that grows more

 

The passionate kiss, the warm hug, the fine touch

The intimacy, the security in your arms pleases much

Worth the world’s Finest diamonds and precious pearls

Just remember: you are not guilty for my life’s bad whirls

 

The time we spent, The things we do, the bits we share

Are enough for me to hold on to, about what I do care

I will lay my future life’s foundation on these

As I needed ‘YOU’ in my life , not comfort and ease

 

May you live happy, May all your worries be gone

May you start a new life; with every day, a fresh dawn

I Love you and ll miss you forever, I am just here to say

Wish you a very gratified and joyous BIRTHDAY !!

The Black Rose

Black-Rose

Under the shadows of savage life , deep inside the dark forest.

A black rose possessed its tragic existence.

It was out cast and unwanted despite all its fragrance and radiance , It never fits in the relinquishing blooms.

It was cultivating loneliness in the presence of the whole forest and hence loneliness was out-grown !

It was growing thorns since the beginning as it always knew the one who dares not grasp the thorn should never crave the rose….

No one watered it, It nourished on its own till its ravishing bloom appeared…..It was always taken ‘For Granted’ and it bestowed an ancient confidence.

And one day it started burning but no one had time to grieve over it because they were busy admiring the forest…

All it ever wanted was to reach out and touch the hearts of other roses…. It wanted some Love but it forgot that all great and precious things are always lonely in the forest.

Its eyes were glued on life and they were full of tears…. It bled tears and its petals absorbed them silently…. It never gave a plaintive cry but its silence was deafening !

Slowly with the prolonged grief, the petals became pale. Autumn prevailed over it…in spring !

And then ‘Black’ was gone… All that was left was pinching thorns and pale stems. It followed the quickest path of self-destruction that was to push away all the loved ones, all the wishes.

The descent stripped it bare and left it as it was at its core, It was painful… It was abashed, ruined.

Black was gone… The beauty was gone…. The lustrous shine was turned to painful sighs…

The Black Rose was a part of the forest now !

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I have been busy these days in final presentation and stuff. I will reply to your comments as soon as I get free. I hope you will not mind and stay with me . Wish me luck. Thanks !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Under The Spell Of Black Magic….!

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I had been thinking about the magical things I have been hearing these days too often So here I am sharing them with you.

This is a true story from 9 to 10 years ago when I was a little kid and used to sleep¬†in my Mom’s room on a separate small¬†bed. I still remember it because it gives me goose bumps still when¬†I recall it.

It was the time of mid night and everyone was sleeping. Suddenly I woke up and saw a shadow moving towards my Mom’s bed. It sat down beside her on her pillow. I felt scared¬†and I cried “Mom there is someone sitting beside you” .¬†She was so sleepy and without opening her eyes she pulled out her hand and punched that thing on his back with her fist and then slept again. And I was not watching a dream because¬†I heard the sound of punching. That thing, then stood up and started¬†walking towards the door and disappeared !¬†When I told my mom in the morning she said she remember me crying but there was nothing else she could recall.

I am not sure whether that really happened or I was dreaming. Since my childhood I have heard of so many stories about magic and ghosts and people who tell them claim them to be true.

Another incident happened to my father when I was in college. He went out of station and when he returned at night, his clothes were covered with blood stains. We were all so worried. He then told that he was walking towards the train and he felt like someone has pushed him from the rear and suddenly his clothes were all covered with blood and he fainted. One of the persons near by took him to his shop. He was a Hafiz-e-Quran (People who know Quran by heart) and he told my dad that
the blood is not human blood and he has been attacked by black magic, but he¬†survived. My mom used to tell me that the same thing happened to my dad when I was a little baby. He was¬†sitting in someone’s shop and he was covered in blood within an instant. Than he went to Qaari Saab ( Pious Hafiz-e-Qran) and he told him that he survived the¬†attack because he was reciting Quranic verses at that time.

Despite this, I haven’t seen any type of Magic related thing in my whole life. I have¬†listened to the stories of my friends but since I have not seen them with my eyes I don’t believe in them.¬†I have heard stories how close relatives do magic on people out of jealousy or some¬†other reasons and what effects this magic could have on them.

Magic can be done for giving financial crisis to people, for causing them health problems and diseases, for stopping their minds to work for studies or job, for making a person paralyze, causing heart attack or even death. I wonder how could these people sleep at nights but I have heard those people getting ruined and destructed after-wards. Some stores were related to how some homes can be under the spell of Ghosts and how they irritate people to leave them. They even go inside small kids and scare other family members.

People use different things to make magic work. These things include small written papers, small pieces of clothes, blood, meat or bones of some animal and things like that and these things are buried or hid at some place where no one could see them. And then by discarding these things and reciting proper verses the spell can be broken.

Seems like the typical Horror series or movie story ! It is weird though how we think these serials to be stupid and believe in things happening to the lives of people around us.

People who have seen these things with their own eyes believe in them and people who haven’t seen them, think them to be absurd. Specially the ‘modern’ people. I don’t know about their truth except the things I have¬†seen by myself. But I do believe that ghosts exist and they live in this world like we¬†do. I have also read that there is a third dimension of this world where
these type of things exist and they could sometimes interfere in the lives of humans too due to some unknown reasons. I also have heard that Ghosts have certain limitations and they can not always enter the human world .

I don’t have any kind of proof of any of these assumption to be right or wrong.¬†I am just curious to know the hidden truths of this universe. I love Horror movies and novels too , have read couple of them and I am not scared of ghosts… ¬†Our knowledge and wisdom¬†is limited… God knows how many other creatures are living with us and may be reading this¬†article with me as I am writing it !ūüėČ

The magic spell culture is increasing in Pakistan among the uneducated and foolish people. I have no idea whether people of other countries have to face it too or not ! Do YOU have any scary story from your own life ?

Grave Is Your Destination…

PakGraves

 

** Urdu lines are taken from a Naat read by Junaid Jamshed.

Duniya k aye musaafir , Manzil teri Qabar hai

Manzil teri qabar hai…

Tay ker raha hai jo tu, do din ka ye safar hai

du din ka ye safar hai…

O traveler of the world, grave is your destination

Grave is your destination…

The one you are travelling, is a two days exploration

Is a two days exploration…

Sitting at the back seat in the car by window side, she settled her head at corner of the window glass. Her eyes were wandering along the trees and the roads…. people of different ages on various vehicles, In a hurry to reach somewhere, to do something…. alone or with their families…. Colorful clothes…. Chatting , smiling faces…… Energetic and glowing children running by the road side…. bright blue clouds…. It was Eid day… Eid which is a second name for happiness……..

Ankhon sa tu nay apni , kitnay janazay dekhay ?

Hathon sa tunay  apnay , dafnay kitnay murday ?

Dafnay Kitnay murday….

Anjam sa tu apnay , kyun itna be khabar hai ?

Kyun Itna Be khabar hai…

With your own eyes, how many funerals have you witnessed ?

With your own hands, How many dead’s have you buried ?

How many dead’s have you buried…

Of your consequence, why are you so ignorant ?

Why are you so ignorant…

She had a bad mood since morning that day… She cried over small things… It was Eid ! She was supposed to be happy but she locked herself in her room and cried her heart out laying down on the floor… She realized her last Eid was the same… It started with tears too…and the third last Eid….and the previous ones… She realized ‘Eid’s ‘ are not made for her…. She realized her ‘Eid’ had not come yet… She realized she had no part in today’s happiness…… Or any happiness at all ?

Why ? Why don’t I have the right to feel happy like normal people ? Why don’t you feel me ? She had questions for Him….. He was not answering !

Then she realized she had been thinking about her past and the future , all her life…every moment of her present , she never had a present. Her present was filled with thoughts of the past or worries of the future. She thought, what If she dies today , this very moment ? What has she done to herself ?

Makhmal main sonay walay, mitti main so rahay hain

shah o gada yaha per , sub ek ho rahay hain

Sab aik ho rahay hain….

Dono hoye barabar ye mout ka asar hay

Ye mout ka asar hai…

The ones who slept in silk, are sleeping now in clay

Kings and servants here, are all getting same…

Are all getting same…

Both got equal, this is the effect of death

This is the effect of death…

Her mom was calling her….She was saying her to get ready…to wear colorful clothes…to be lively…. And she was dead already. She never knew for what parents is this said, ¬†that they can know what is in your heart by looking at your eyes…

She had to be happy for the ones who love her and who can’t see her sad. She had to live in present for some time. She had to get rid of the unending dark loneliness inside her… May be thinking about life is not what should be done. May be death is the ultimate truth to be thought of….She stood up. She had to fake it again.

After all the fear of death follows from the fear of life….

 

 

The Day When Personal Passion Was Sacrificed For The Highest Love

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Hundreds of years ago….. A perfect complete home with a father and a son included. Both of them were filled with the same beautiful Love and compassion that is an essence of human nature since first man was forged into the world.

Father once had a dream, a hallucination, that he is sacrificing his son for Allah. Back in those times, Allah used to communicate with people through definite signs, How felicitous and fortunate they were !

The next night . he again witnessed the very dream. Postulating it to be a true one, as all his former dreams proved out to be true, He conceived from it that Allah demanded a sacrifice from him. In order to accomplish Allah’s command, he sacrificed a herd of camels and disseminated the meat among the poor.

Repeatedly in the following nights he witnessed the same dream and did the same sacrifices. Still, the dream didn’t cease. Then he had second thoughts.

He called his beloved son and elaborated him the story , he said “O my son! I have seen you being sacrificed in a dream; what do you say?”(The Quran: 37:102)

The son, being aware of the fact that his father is a prophet of Allah, replied without any reluctance:¬†“O my father! Do what you are commanded; if God please, you will find me of the patient ones” — (The Quran: 37:102).

The father , the son and his mother…. everyone though being anxious and shaken inside, were delighted and overjoyed over getting a chance to serve Allah. How sacramental they were !

Fatherly tender Love and child’s fond affection was going to be sacrificed for the Greater Divine. On their way to alter, they were distracted and horrified by the Satan but they didn’t let anything come in their way.

At the Altar the son threw himself prostrate before his illustrious father, who blindfolded as he was, lest his parental love should come in the way, applied the knife to his son’s throat. An exemplary conduct of complete submission to the will of Allah; sacrificing his only son in His way! The soul of Abraham within himself was praising the Lord, saying: “My prayer and my sacrifice and my life and my death are all for God, the Lord of the worlds”.

Angels stood metamorphosed, as it were, into lifeless pictures and overcome by extreme anxiety. 

“God is great; God is great; God is great; God is great; There is no Allah, but He. And God is great; All praise for God.”

My words and my wisdom is not enough to pen down the great light and the essence of that very happening….

Abraham was about to cut the throat of his only son. But lo! He heard a voice from Above:

“O Abraham! you have indeed shown the truth of the Vision; thus We reward the doers of good. Surely this is a manifest trial” — (The Quran: 37:104-106).

The Patriarch laid down the knife and there was rejoicing mingled with thanksgiving that God had accepted the Sacrifice. It dawned on him what his Vision really meant ‚Äď viz., that what God wanted was not the blood of his son but the sacrifice of that highest of love which a father has for his son and vice-versa. It was the sacrifice of personal passion that was acceptable to God and that was done both by the father and the son. The father and son fell down in prayer praising their Lord.

From that day, to commemorate this outstanding act of sacrifice (qurbani) by Prophet Abraham, people sacrifice a lamb, goat, ram or any other animal on Eid-ul-Adha and give the meat to friends, neighbors, relatives and the needy. Eid is celebrated with a great zeal and enthusiasm by the Muslims all over the world.

In-spite of judging the intentions of other people behind the sacrifice, Can’t we just do our part honestly ?

I wish all My brothers and sisters a very Happy Eid Mubarik ! People who are away for Hajj , a very warm Congratulations to them too ! 

Eat lots of meat (only your partūüėČ ), get fat and remember me in your prayersūüôā

 

 

You Say Equal Rights, I Say Equal Respect !

gender_equality_by_aymulan

” Gender Equity is a thought-provoking direction”

“Men and women should have equal rights”

“They are same”

These were the slogans of one the protest happening in Pakistan with lots of women of every age with modern clothes and expensive make-up on their face shouting their mouths out under hot sun with sun-blocks on their skin !

These are the same women who go to their homes full of servants and sit in air conditioned rooms and insult their female servants and maids. Who don’t even move themselves to get a glass of water and who say a word out of their mouth and their husbands have to follow it. Then the same women brag about what social work they are doing by protesting for Equal right for men and women. Yes they can say that because they see the same thing in their own homes…. Both of them, wife and husband have pockets full of money and both of them work in hugs offices to earn this money !

They say , ” If you can’t cook , get out of kitchen ! “

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But the women working at homes and Growing their children and men working hard from dawn to dusk for their children and raising their family can ask for equal rights and equality ?

I am against the concept of equal rights and equality for men and women. Men and women can never be equal. Both have their own strengths and both have their own weaknesses. No one can take place of the other and both with all their different unique capabilities are necessary to run the society  successfully. Then how come we ask for equal rights ?

If we talk about Islam, Women were treated as inferior creatures before Hazrat Muhammad (PBUH) that they were buried alive . After Him , they were given many rights in society regarding property and other but they were never called as equal to men. They were given greater respect then men but at the same time it was said that they can never take place of men. Men are born to earn and run the family and women have to stay inside to raise their families. They can go out too to earn but under certain restrictions and boundaries. Both of them are born with different natures. I can’t say men should be preferred on women neither am I saying men are superior to women. Both are at an equal place but with their own unique capabilities. ¬†Women will create more imbalance in the society if they would try to do the work men are made for doing. That is why a women ruler is said to be always destructive because Ruling is a characteristic of men.

Nowhere in Quran Allah said that Man is superior to woman. Instead He said

“We created you from a male and female, made you into nations and tribes, so that you may come to know one another. Truly the most honored of you in God’s sight is the greatest of you in piety “ 49:13

Women have their own rights to life, to learn, own and dispose of property, choose a husband, right as a wife, standard of living, right to be treated equally, right to divorce, right to inherit and right to a final will. Men have their own rights.

I am on the side of demanding equal respect for both men and women but when it comes to feminism and equal rights for men and women, I am Sorry I deny it !

 

 

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nam-nu-binh-quyen

Happy Post # 1

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Wandering Eyes and never ending sleepless nights

Headaches ! Restlessness and Severe Hunger at its height

Mind full of questions to inquire about the Mortal life

Blocked brains and frightening Horror filled in eyes

Though enjoyed the time, had fun being a rover

But still, Thank God ! My exams Period is Over  ;)

 

Yes ! I just took (most probably) the last exams of my life. Final presentation is still ahead but unofficially I am retired from studies. Back to home now , with all my luggage . Took a day to clear out the cupboards and draws of my room to make it worth-living again… And my “Cooking 101” and “How to manage Home 101″ Courses have been started by my Mom. Four more months to go !I am having a flu these days with a blocked head and flowing noseūüėõ *Sneeze*¬†But still, things are better !

I wanted to clear out some things to my dearest readers before replying to their comments on my previous post. First of all, I apologize for being so late in writing and replying to you, as you know I was hell busy ! I read your comments time to time but never got a chance to reply to them.

Secondly, I wanted to clear out the ‘Sad and Always Crying” Image of me, you guys have in your minds. Some months back, when I made this blog , I had a sole purpose of pouring out all the feelings storming inside me because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I did the same, but I never had the idea that I would make so many friends here and would feel like having a ‘virtual’ family. I love all my family members now . Anyway, so when I wrote sad and teary every time when I got sad, I guess people made a concept in their mind that I always remain that heartbroken and pessimistic.

I want to tell you guys, I am a (Its hard to say myself normal for me , so I would skip that) person like other persons of the world who sometimes suffer from depression and is extra sensitive to things I observe but that doesn’t make me an “always sad” person. I don’t have anyone to talk to and I love sharing my feelings with this blog. I can never wear a mask and pretend on this blog at-least. Yes, I , most of the time come to this blog when I am feeling worse. And I crave less to share happiness than to share my pain , but that’s not my fault.

You want me to write happy ? Ok I will. But then I won’t be honest. I would feel like I am connecting with you people the same way I connect myself , or to be precise pretend myself to be with other people in my life.

I can’t say I am sad, nor can I say I am happy ! I feel what I feel… Have sometimes a whole happy day, sometimes a whole day crying and sometimes a “crying at times, and smiling at others” day. ¬†I am Thankful to God for everything , I stay happy and I laugh too ! Its just that I share more when I cry.I AM like that….. I feel hard to change myself.¬†So I would leave the decision to you guys….What do you want me to write ?

Love you all…. Thanks for staying with me always and remembering me. I Love You ! *Sneeze*

Cuz Her Eyes Started To Bleed….

Behind_bleeding_eyes_by_Dahlia_Ruin

She woke up in the middle of night….. Some familiar whispers , sighs and screams couldn’t let her sleep.

She was tired of the intense pain exploding her heart out. She could feel it flowing through her blood like fragments of glass with sharp edges.

Glass…. In the form of mirror has the ability to show outer beauty but it can kill when broken, Like a heart……

Same in their characteristics yet so different . One is living and other is non-living. Both cause death.

She stood beside the mirror. The fine glass was shining and its lustrous shine was making her vision dim.

She looked at her reflection….her face was beautiful. But she never use to get impressed of the outer beauty. She knew looks are decisive.

She had this weird art….. a capability of knowing the real ‘inside’ of a person by judging him from outside. She was tired of this ability.

It never let her make real true friends with anyone. It never let her believe in ‘noodle-talks’ of people. It never let her trust in what people pretend. She was tired of knowing ‘everything’ about people……..

Those whispers were getting louder….. They were triggering her nerves and it was painful.

Those loud screeches and howls…….The dark night….. The voices……. She put both her hands on her ears but the sounds didn’t stop.

She could feel her nerves bursting out of her body. There were shadows of people all around her. Black shadows…..in the dark.

Suddenly a small drop of blood came out of her left eye and started dripping out on her neck through her cheek.

She was scared….Her eyes were wide open . She touched the blood drop slightly to see as if it is real or an illusion. Her fingers got colored.

A second after this, a blood drop came out of her other eye followed by many blood drops from both eyes.

She started screaming…. Out loud. Her eyes were bleeding and she couldn’t do anything else but screaming and shouting for help.

No one came. Because they were people. People never come. They are selfish.

She fell on the floor holding her face in her hands. Her beautiful face was all covered in blood. The whispers got louder and clearer. She could hear them now clearly. She could see her soul exiting through her eyes.

In the morning……

People came….. they found a girl laying on the floor with no eyes on her face . There were empty holes covered with clotted blood. ¬†She looked terrible. There was a pool of blood all around her body and she was laying in it. Her body was empty . As it used to be when she was alive. The only difference was , it had no blood.

She died because secrets were revealed to her. She got cursed.

She got cursed by the jealousy of people. She got cursed by the hatred of people. She got cursed by the arrogance, rudeness and dishonesty ¬†of people. She got cursed by the black hearts of people. She got cursed by ‘People’ and she died…….A scary death.

People never changed. Life went on. And a girl like her use to die everyday till now…..

“Tu Jaan le Bandaya Auqaat teri

Tu mitti vich mil jaana hai”

Man, you should know your value. You have to die and be mud.¬†“

A Dream………

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Slept hearing the sounds of her own sobs and weep

On a damp pillow , swollen eyes and heart with cuts deep

Wakes up gliding in a sea of her own tears

With nobody around , Loneliness and no fears

 

She lie there with arms bent around her knees

Staring at the pervasive vastness of limitless seas

People who modified her life were not around

Busy in their own lives they made her astound

 

Alone she stand to face her life planned by them

To reveal and to hunt, whether to find sand or a gem

She thought she had cried over her loss for long

Now she had to take a step forward and be strong

 

Life has to pass, through laughs or through cries

Choosing the easy way is clever, higher she flies

Leaving behind everyone she loved before

Preparing herself to love one’s she never adore

 

Looking at the reflection of her face in pool of her own tears

She threw into it, her love her dreams, wishes and her fears

Shivering inside, feeling helpless, lonely but calm and quiet

She bestowed herself to Him, He is the one who is just right

 

Preparing to fly high, she looks at the clear blue sky

Shoulders without burden , she took a warm sigh

Wishing to feel all her life , the same optimism’s gleam

But sad she was , because this was only a dream…..!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Am Getting Married.

Yes I am getting married. It took me 1 and a half YEAR to realize this single reality…I am getting married.

Though the things beyond this fact are blur. Getting married to whom ? What do I feel ? Why I am doing this ? Why is all this happening ? Everything is blur.

I am going to be a computer scientist in another month. I Love my field now . I got the highest grades and GPA In my class. I am a so called intelligent student in the eyes of teachers. And yet….I am getting married. Just after the completion of my studies.

People say me to be optimistic about my future ! Can I ? Yes I know I should………..!!

The one I wished to pass all my life with….saw all my future dreams with….planned my future with…..is lost in the fog of time and fate !

The one I am going to have a future with….. I never thought about him….I have no feelings , an empty heart for him. This is the future I have to look up to !

I don’t know If I won’t be getting married , I would be doing any job or studying further , My life would be better in Future.

I don’t know either my life would be good with all that seems obvious. I don;t know anything. I am confused.

It took me 1 and a half year to realize the fact that I am getting married. I don’t know how much time I would take to accept the person of my fate.

My Allah and then my parents chose him for me…..and I accepted their wish…with my eyes closed. I couldn’t kill the happiness of my parents . I never gave them any happiness except this one. I am not selfish.

That was the time I stopped wishing for myself. Its hard when you get wounds all over your soul….by the broken pieces of your dreams….and you find no remedy…..no cure.

I have made room for pain in my heart. I know I have to live with what I am given I know I have to accept and I have to Move on !!

It is a difficult task.

Anyway…… I am getting married on 15th February 2014 and You all are Invited.

 

There should be some caring people to give me their shoulder. After all I need four of them. After all ‘Red’ color is getting ‘white’ for me. After all my marriage may be my funeral.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be With Me O Merciful !

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When life is at pause, when time stops and when the trees and birds are still

When my eyes stare at a point in the air , the point that is abstract that is nil

When my body turns into exquisite glass, the vessel through which vision can pass

When a warm stroke of pain emerge from heart and spreads in all the body very fast

When it starts flowing in my blood and with my breath It spreads profusely at last

When it penetrates in every inch of the flesh , Every part whether brain or heart

When my body screams out loud when my heart beats rowdy in my chest

This is the time when a pleasure , a bliss arise and spreads in my body at rest

I become tranced I feel the felicity and solace cascading in my blood

I cry but my heart is stunned in the fun, In the pleasure of this pain’s flood

When I never ask for the pain to stop, when I want it more and more

When the vessel and soul’s desires are opposite, no longer do they adore

Outside; Tears , shiver and pain , Inside; Pleasure , amusement and gain

When I calmly start feeling ‘Him’ Inside myself, while effaced is the pain

When ‘His’ Love then percolates through my blood my soul and my mind

When I feel ‘Him’ closer to the vein in my neck, My breath says ‘He’ is divine

When the vessel made of glass dances with the dance of soul

Dances in the shadow of ‘His’ light, ‘He’ is the partner ‘He’ is the whole

When my mind is stuck on the thought to talk , to see and to Meet ‘Him’

When I forget myself and ‘He’ is left as my world and as my self esteem

I bow and I cry , I become your servant I am the one who needs to find

Be with me O Merciful ! Be with me O My Lord ! Be with me O Kind !

I Miss You Today !

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Zoomed-in Human Eye

In my eyes , in the form of tears, you come

Slide your hands through my cheeks , glum

Gather on my neck , kissing it, make me frozen !

 

I dive into the past , those moments pleasant

The few days passed with you, make them my present

See them through my eyes, smile with contentment

 

Then I see the future, my life with open eyes

I get scared , I shiver, a wave of pain arise

It seems empty , hollow and barren without you inside

 

I miss you today, as today can be the last

To miss you or to talk about ‘our’ past

As I am losing that ‘tiny’ right on you today, alas !

 

Eyes are so beautiful , so why they do the hardest task

Of seeing through time, of becoming windows for the pain vast

Of becoming the mirror for the feelings in heart’s glass

 

The bright colors of eyes are insufficient for me to see you

I adore you, be with you and In my heart I see you

I love you and no beauty of eye is required for me to love you

 

This day is the day of pain, the day of finally getting realization

As I hang , between ‘Him’ and you through time of coadunation

You don’t belong to me, why there is still this strong connection ?

 

Memories of The past and The present have jumped on me

Eating my flesh, taking away my strength, they stabbed me

Alone, powerless and hopeless here in the dark they just left me…

 

And like every time I just realized, Missing him wasn’t a good idea !! The lines above may be absurd to you, As ‘myself’ is for me. But this was all I had. Sometimes words are not sufficient to describe what you feel. In fact they are not sufficient at all.

 

 

 

 

Guest Post : Fallen

A guest Post by my dearest brother Arindam Saha.

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Swinging along with the breeze

With other leaves on other trees

A-midst the clutter as wind passes by

With the birds as they hastily fly

Hanging from a branch, I watch the sky

With the sun hidden, as clouds float by

But all of a sudden I watch him leave

An old comrade who told not to grieve

He had lost grip of the tree

And now he floats; forever free!

He flutters, and flows, and turns around

And merrily he smiles and falls on ground

I look around and then realize

A splendid miracle, a pleasant surprise

As millions of leaves from thousands of trees

Fall on the ground guided by the breeze

I witness the most formidable treat

As millions leave their homes sweet

To agglomerate into the divine rain

And head to their destiny without refrain

And then I realize that alongside me

Were you, on the same branch of the tree

And together with me, you too did see

How leaves fell and set themselves free

Today we adore this mighty tree

Swing in breeze and chatter do we

Provide shade to the travelers on road

And listen to the birds’ same old ode

But O dear friend these days are few

When we are adorned by the morning dew

Soon we would be old and whither away

And I am so scared imaging that day

The day when breeze would be only so strong

And leaves would yet again compose their song

They would merrily dance and rejoice

But I would have no other choice

O friend so dear, would you come along

As we danced in synchrony to the same song?

Would you come along on the journey profound

Even on the day I fall on the ground?

Turning To A Zombie

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Days purposeless, lifeless

Nights sleepless, weep-less

Mind powerless, thinking-less

Heart feeling-less, emotionless

Eyes tear-less, fearless

A little brain making me alive

Turning to a Zombie, I survive

Those awake nights with tears

Have disappeared in fog

But still I stand filled with fears

With all the hollowness and less hope

I flow with the flow of life

A zombie walk on streets

He hunt people to survive

And I get my own meat to eat

Mind collapsed, fainted, wrecked

They hold secret of eternal life in it

Depression, pain and schizophrenic attacks

My forever friends no longer dwell

My life has possessed some weird days

A state between happiness and hell

A zombie life is indeed pleasant

Nothing to feel, Nothing to repent

Life is turning to a meaningless dream

Awareness-less, Search-less, direction-less

Praying , longing…… for pain, for screams

As Pain takes everything, gives everything, doubtless !

Please Donate !

Paloma Charity

I am Glad to know that I was missed this timeūüôā Thank you !

I was out of town for some important personal stuff , that is why I couldn’t give time to the blog. Back now . Want to discuss something …. Consider it a welcome back treat for meūüôā

Allah advises us that¬†when giving charity, we should do so in a way that our left hand¬†doesn’t¬†know what our right hand has spent.

I listened to a beautiful explanation of this saying. I want to share it with you people. It was by a Muslim-ah Scholar. She said I use to wonder what this saying means. Always when we do a thing with our hands, all of the body parts know at the same time what is happening. She said she tried to give charity secretly with one hand but at the same moment each of the body part was sent a message about it by the mind . Then she realized it meant something else. It meant that while giving charity we should not count it, because counting involves the second hand. In this way when one hand will give charity the other body parts will never know how much amount was spent. And when we do something for Allah without counting, the reward is countless too.

The cook in our hostel mess is a young lady with 5 children and her husband is dead. She is recently diagnosed Cancer. She is so poor that she hardly raise her children. So finally after visiting many hospitals and annoyed by the expensive treatements she managed to visit Shaukat Khanum Memorial Hospital that was made by Imran khan , a famous political person and I was amazed to listen to the story she told me.

She said they do a free checkup and full treatment of Cancer patients who are poor and can not afford the expensive treatments. And the doctors and nurses and every employee there talks to you in the same way they talk to the people who are rich and can afford the treatment. And the rich people give double triple payments when they recover , with their consent and through this money the poor are treated for free.

We hardly see this type of kindness in this world now, specially in Pakistan.

I request you all please give donations to this hospital for the treatment of Cancer patients. I am requesting this to you because I felt I should. I have done my part. It is your turn now. I hope you people will donate for the noble cause.

This is the website of Shaukat Khanum Hospital .

http://www.shaukatkhanum.org.pk

If you can’t donate much, Just send a text to 7770 and donate Rs-20 for them.¬†

Mention here when you are done ! May be your donation saves an innocent lifeūüôā

Kind Regards !

Thank you !

May Be I Am Thinking Too Much !

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I have no memories of my childhood with my parents. Every time I sit back and start thinking , How I use to be with my parents, what were the things I did with them, anything ? There comes nothing ! Except the things told by other people and my parents. They tell me I was so adorable and everyone who see me wants to hold me … There are pictures of me when I was 2 or 3 years old and then there is a complete blank without any pictures till I was 14 or 15. May be my parents lost their camera in my childhood.

I have some memories of this time period in school and with my friends. I remember every friend I had during it. I remember how we use to play , how we use to chat with each other and how we use to spend the recess time during school.

I remember I use to make houses with dry mud ! I was expert in it back then. All my friends use to gather around me sitting in the mud with clean white uniforms and we had no fear of ‘how we look’ to the people back then. They use to gather accessories for the house I was making. Some leaves , some yellow fur like thing and some beads like things from the trees and some colorful wrappers ! Till then I make a pile of dry mud and through it , I use to make the first floor and plain it with my hands. So perfect like we plain the surface of Cake with cream while making it . Then the second floor and some times the third floor. Then comes the turn of accessories and I use to decorate it like I am doing a task that would change my life, so keenly. When it was done, my friends use to clap for me .

May be back then I had a thought embedded in my mind , of my future. May be back then I knew I won’t have a chance to make the home of my choice and decorate it . May be I knew I would be forced to live in a home that would be never a home for me. So I already fulfilled all my wishes for a home with mud and tree accessories !

I remember I was the best in every game we use to play . I ran faster than each of my friend and won every single race back then. We use to play doge-the-ball , hide-and-seek, catch-me and many other games and I always use to win. My friends use to fight with each other to become my partner in any game. I was the one they look up to when deciding what game we will play and for resolving the fights.

May be back then I knew I would lose at every single step in my real life. So I won everything already back then. I already felt the pleasure of winning. I never realized life is not a game. We can win games but even the best player loses in his life !

I had a special pattern regarding my studies. I noticed it when I was 15. I stood first in class for the first , second and third years. Then I was an average or you can say below average in fourth, fifth and sixth years. Then again I topped my class in the seventh , eighth and ninth years. Tenth year was a disaster ! It was the year I started getting spoiled . Followed by the first two years of college. Making again the three years. Now in university I have passed four years and they were remarkably good. I would never be able to understand this cycle related to my studies. I want to know though.

I Guess I need a psychiatrist. May be he could give me answers I want to know. But I know I would never be able to ask anyone .

Three weeks back when I was in my home and it was the last day there. I had to come back here in hostel the next day. I was laying down with all my family. My dad, mom, and the brothers. We were chatting and then my dad started recalling his past. The things I heard were shocking !

He told us that he always felt alone back then even with his parents and siblings around. He said there is a hollowness inside him that was never filled even by his daughter and sons and wife ! He said when he was 15 he felt this hollowness so much that he started saying that his parents are not real and he is adopted that is why he feels like this. When his parents , my grandfather asked him why he is saying all this. He said you should know the answer. You are my parents and you are behind everything I feel since the childhood. My mom then told me that my father had a diary that was filled till the end with poetry. All sad poetry with the same topics , loneliness and sadness.

Tears were falling down from my eyes and absorbing in the pillow as I was hearing this. But it was dark so no one could see them. I was shocked and hurt at the same time while knowing this. These were the same feelings all he described that I use to feel all my life. The same pattern. the same hollowness the same pain. He dared asking his parents why is he like this. I never had courage to ask them . I have seen Him the same close to Allah like I am. No one other can feel him the way I can. I can’t put it into words but his life seems to me same like mine.

I would never gather enough courage to ask him the same questions he asked his parents. I know how much he would be hurt , knowing that he had to give all the answers he searched for all his life. Knowing that his little girl has grown up, and she feels the same as he did all his life. I can feel his pain…

I kept thinking all night, Are feelings and emotions genetic ? Is pain genetic ? Are sufferings and the after effects of the sufferings genetic ? Is the way of thinking genetic ? Is it possible that the way my father use to fight with himself it was genetically passed on to me ?

I wondered and there was no answer. May be this condition has some name and it has been proved to be a genetic thing by science. May be not.

May be I am thinking too much.

A Rhyme of Heaven and ‘Him’

 

paradise-waterfall-wallpaper-1440-900-6540 Lakes Of Chocolate and Milk

 Ponds Of Wine Pure

 Lustrous Clothes Of Silk

 Diamonds On Trees To Adore

 

 

 

birds-wallpaper-in-rain-5¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†Bird’s Melodious tweet

Wind’s music along

Rain drops as beats

Make a symphonic song

 

 

 

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Fresh soft Flower petals shire

Natural beauty of fawn

No unfulfilled desire

Peace holds, worries gone

 

 

 

el-refugio

Artistic Comfortable Homes

Partners of your choice

All Luxuries Known

Contented , peaceful life

 

 

 

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No Hatred No Frowns

For the people fellow

Each bad feeling gone

Harshness turned Mellow

 

 

 

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The ever-awaited Paradise

A choice of entire

A pleasant sublime surprise

A PERFECT Life prior

 

 

 

 

girl_swinging

Why don’t my heart feel

Tempting enough to get

Why hard enough to deal

Complexity of my mind-set

 

 

 

 

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Why do I just need

‘His’ companionship forever

A sight of ‘Him’ , plead

‘He’ , whatsoever !

 

 

 

 

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‘His’ calm lap to sit safely

‘His’ shoulder to cry on

‘His’ feet to sleep like baby

‘His’ service till the life gone

 

 

 

 

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The passionate Love

Sentiments stoutly fixed

The eternal Gratitude

Divine emotions mixed

 

 

 

 

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Never mean to disrespect

My Love Divine

Every inch of my heart wet

For the Love to be mine

 

 

 

 

 

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Waiting for your silence to break

For illumination of my inner sun

Take my heaven make me slave

I bow , I beg , Please don’t shun

 

 

 

 

 

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