Late Night Thoughts !

Dark Beautiful Night

Dark Beautiful Night

Standing along the hall way on the second floor in front of my room. It is dark out there.  With the cool breeze passing by me, I look  towards the sky. How can it be so calm and silent ? I question  myself and suddenly burst into tears ! With my lips folded , I am trying to hold back my tears but I can’t. I sat down along the pillar. With tears falling all over my cheeks I started thinking why am I crying. A lot of questions came into my mind and more tears came out. I can hear the echo of questions more clearly now.

I once showed my hand to a girl who knew watching hands with a promise not to tell about my future but just present. She said your mind thinks in so various dimensions at a time. Also you are very sensitive. I feel both things true right now. There are many things going on in my mind. I don’t even decide about which to think of in detail. I just want to know the answers. Why am I not so calm and quiet like this sky, like this night. I am the same dark from inside like this night is and I hide many secrets inside me like this night does.Then why can’t I find peace like this night has in it ?

I just wipe of my tears brutally with my hands and started thinking over again. What am I ? Who am I ? What am I supposed to be ? What should I do ? I am running out of answers. Why do my heart always pinches me inside whenever I see or read something I wished in the past ? Is that wish still inside my heart making me helpless and weak ? I don’t know.

How would I live with the things I never wished about but know they would be a part of my life soon ? Am I that brave ? I guess not. There is fear, there is pain and there is misery. Yes I am scared of my future. I am scared of revelation of my inner self to people who care about me. My mask of happiness is bruised now. It is breaking and I can’t help it.

Is hope an answer to that ? Have I lost hope or Still have it somewhere hidden in my heart ? I can’t think of it. I don’t know it. I am closing my eyes I can’t see my self destroying. It hurts !! It hurts a lot! I wonder why everything seems so deep at night like I feel myself ?

I see people around me with laughter and smiles , playing around with their life and having fun. Then why do I always feel the need to cry ? I want to cry hard right now, I want to scream . I want to take out all the tears and worries and pain inside me all at once. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to console me. to listen to me whatever meaningless things I say. To be with me whatever I say not to leave me alone. And I have no one. I forgot I was like this night, It is alone too.  It can see my real face , it looks right into my eyes and never judges me.

What was the reason I was sent to this earth? What was the reason I was given those great parents and loving family? What was the reason I got all the people in my life I have now ? What was the reason I got the Love Of God by means of Love of human ? Why am I still hanging in between the God’s Love and Human’s love at a time ? No Answers….. My heart is shedding tears silently and my mind is not responding. Probably it has no answers left. No words to say anything that will calm me down.

I wonder why is my vision getting so blur. Why ca’t I see things clearly ? I want to see the depth of this  beautiful night. Everything become so intense and true at night. I want to ask a few things to it. May be it answers ! Resist, Resist and resist ! That is what I do all the time. I resist to express my feelings. I resist to open up. I resist to get things I like. I resist to do things I want. This resistance was an answer to my worries by my True Love. He said if you resist here in this world, you will get everything in the next one and the next one is far more long and good then this one. I am acting upon it ! It seems hard sometimes but I try my best. He said don’t do things which I don’t like and I try not to do them He said you will succeed if you do what I tell you in my book. I try to follow everything. He says you will find peace if you will come to me five times a day. I do it, but I don’t find peace. I want to know the answer, why ? Why am I still empty handed ?

I know these questions would keep biting me inside until I would be eaten and destroyed completely. I hope My True Love give me answers to these. I want to be with Him. I want to get Him. I love when He talks to me and show me signs. Hope is a single way for me now. Hope brings happiness and hope is the answer, ambiguous but that’s all I have. As Einstein says,   “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

I just saw clouds floating on the sky. They look beautiful. Darkness is getting lighter slowly. I stood up , walk with tired steps towards my bed. Here I sleep , again with headache spreading all over my head and tears making my pillow wet. Another night passed, Hoping for a bright morning to come!

Hope For A Beautiful Morning

Hope For A Bright Morning

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30 Comments

  1. ‘When all is lost, hope still remains.’
    These tears and these matters of questioning are blessings in themselves, they enable us to look towards the world as a different source, it helps us think beyond things that everyone see. It helps us find truth.
    You are not empty-handed. You have faith and faith has all! When a person believes in Allah, makes Him their true love, they are never left empty-handed. For Allah says to come towards Him a step, and He will take ten to hold. So if you are shattered, make it an opportunity to get closer to reality. I really pray you get it all soothed soon. Best wishes!!
    -Maria.

    Reply
    • Thanks so much for your encouragment Maria ! This may be a blessing but it feels painful…..I am standing right beside the truth but I can’t realize it ! I can’t face it …. My faith on Allah is everything I have. Thanks so much for your advice I will try for sure to follow it 🙂 Your wishes means a lot ! Keep visiting. Lots of Love xx

      Reply
      • I can understand how painful it must be. But I don’t exactly know what you are going through, so all I can help with are my sincere prayers for you. May everything get right! =)

      • I just need your prayers they are the best gift for me 🙂 Thank you so much I really appreciate that 🙂 xx

      • Most welcome! 🙂 So glad to know you!

      • Thanks 🙂 It was nice knowing you too xxx

  2. wow so cool. I’d love appreciate your hopes and pictures for hope.

    Reply
  3. Thank you for visiting my blog I am clicking follow now! I already love your blog!

    Reply
  4. Oh my god! you are tempting me so much to write a post on this topic (My views on purpose of life). Unfortunately too busy until Wednesday for that. 😦

    You raise thought provoking questions. But why are you not at peace? You are too young to be in a ‘helpless, depressing, ever-rejecting mode’. I personally believe that being happy is the most valuable asset for anybody. And for doing that we must realise what makes us happy in an unbiased way. And then strive for achieving the goal. In this way you can never be unhappy as you are trying your level best to achieve what you like. 🙂

    Do you want me to elaborate on it?

    Reply
    • And you should write one I want to read your thoughts too 🙂
      I already got your point Arindam, But what if we can’t control what happens to us….I know being happy is the most precious gift one can have but I have accepted life without this gift and I am living with it !
      Thanks so much for your comment and time , means alot ! 🙂 xx

      Reply
      • Wake up Dude! Who says you don’t have happiness in your life? I can see that you are one of the most fortunate ones in the world. You have your parents who love you so very much; you are almost graduate in one of the most happening subjects of the world, you have the privilege of accessing the internet and talking to a person on the other side of globe. Think of people who don’t have these…

        In a more abstract regime, your mind seems to question the purpose of life. You seek answers to one of the richest wonders of the world – life. Think of people who are morally so blindfolded that they go into wrong paths and don’t care to know where they are heading…

        I don’t know you completely. No one except you knows you. Look inside you and then at the outer world. An ‘unprivileged’ person who wants to be happy can be happy if he is satisfied. A ‘privileged’ man can not be happy if he is not satisfied.

        Satisfaction is the key. Positive outlook is essential. Never ever think that you are depressed. Because you know, “You are what you think” 🙂

      • I know, I am the most luckiest person in the world I realize that I have got all the things and I am thank ful to the creator for blessing me with all this. It is not that I am complaining. It is just that I can’t feel satisfied with my life…. I am not able to forget some things and get answers of other things. I hope I get pace soon.
        You are right satisfaction is the key. I am just in search of that key. I know now you are quoting my words lol You are right in saying all that . I will try to get over it soon 🙂 Love you for giving me your precious time 🙂 xxx

  5. This is so honest –
    I love how you observe your thoughts and feelings and the world all flowing together..
    I searched for peace a long time. Now I listen to my heart..and my body.. how it feels in the world…less than my mind. I kind of just let all the questions and thoughts be there..and wait for my heart to speak..and allow my thoughts to follow what is in my heart. Something like that. 🙂

    Reply
  6. I like your description 🙂

    Reply
  7. There is no night better spent than talking, sobbing, pleading with the Beloved. That time will never be in vain. The Divine Joke is that always what the Beloved wants to give us is better than what we believe we know about what we want.

    I hear a lot of Rumi is your writing here. It’s wonderful. Never stop. ❤

    Reply
    • Yeah you are right….I wish I always desire what He desire for me 🙂 Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting 🙂 It was really nice to hear from you ! I won’t stop I just need your support 🙂 Love xx

      Reply
  8. Too many questions!!! I hope you get better answers soon..

    Reply

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