An Interview Of Self Awareness With My Own Self !

247453_572584826108637_1821527186_nIn a dark room covered with a sheet of sheer silence and stillness, I lie on my bed gazing at the fan on the ceiling. The hammering of my own heart is filling my ears. A thousand thoughts are exploding in my mind like shards of broken glass that are shattering the stillness. My eyes are narrowing to thin slits, full of derision. Every thing seems still outside, but there are extreme explosions happening inside.

Suddenly I felt, there is someone sitting right beside me. A girl like me. Her face was like a barren land on which it hasn’t been raining since long. Or like small rigid stones attached together to make a face. Her hair were Rusty, and out dazzled. Her eyes were bulging out , of dark red color. She was altogether scary, like a witch from a fairy tale.

An icy chill ran up my spine and my blood felt cold to me. Stunned, I felt an urge to scream loud. But I can’t, I was in shock. Th shock induced a faint trembling and I drew a long breath to overcome my fear. I bent my neck slowly towards her face and Asked her “Who are you and Why are you here ? ”

She, after a while, Pulled her face upward and struck her hair behind her ears with her fingers. Blood was coming out of her eyes and there was  something in her eyes that made me scared, Not because of fear, but because of the Misery I  saw in her eyes. She spoke slowly, “Look at my face, into my eyes. Don’t you see Who am I ?”

I slide some closer towards her . As I took a closer look , I was astounded to see her face was my face. Her eyes were my eyes and her hair were my hair. She was me ! How is that possible ? I am sitting right beside my own self ? But I wasn’t in a dream .It was all real. I , the other I, was real too ! I felt cold. I couldn’t feel my hands and feet, and when I opened my mouth to speak no words came, in fact I was not able to make any sound at all.

At last after a while of fight with my own self, I decided to have a conversation with my self. I tried to ask her some questions. Questions which were  always unanswered and I was in eternal search of their answers. I opened my mouth, and an unfamiliar sound came out this time. My voice shattered the silence as I spoke. I started questioning her, Myself, My Reflection.

I: Who Am I ? What is my importance in this world ?

My Reflection: Sometimes in life, we reach a point where every relationship ends.  Only we are left alone with Allah there. Mother, father, brother, sister friend, no one is there. Then we come to know there is no land underneath  our feet and no sky above our head. There is only Allah who is still holding us  in air. Then we come to know we are not worth than a grain in a pile of mud  or a small leaf on a big tree. Then we come to know it makes no difference  to anyone whether we are here or not. The one who get affected, is our self. There is no change in the whole universe, nothing changes . This is me, This is my worth !

I:Why do people think bad of me ?

My reflection: I am a scandalized and stigmatized girl in eyes of everyone. Because People often don’t accept you when you choose the right path. You have to give exam at every point of your life and this is one of the exams.

I:Why can’t I forget the one who is not mine ?

My reflection: I have no control on my heart nor on my tears. It was Allah who gave him  a place in my heart. He put so much love for a human in my heart that  I always pray for him In front of Allah. He made me so miserable.
I am a human and I am made with all the weaknesses which are a characteristic of humans. That human love is standing in my every path. He is not allowing me to go anywhere. I wish Allah make his love vanish from my heart in a way that I
can’t even think of him for the rest of my life or He make my love mine.  I will cry for his love all my life if I don’t get him. I want to make my  tears pure for  Allah. I want to love Allah with all my heart. Make my tears pure. Ease my pain. I wish and I beg !

I: Why didn’t Allah gave me my Love?

My Reflection: If there is no integrity and sincerity in love, You can’t get it. I loved him with all the truth and sincerity. But integrity of one side wasn’t enough to achieve The ultimate truth, Love. May be Allah has to give you His love in exchange of your human Love !

I: What is next to ecstasy ?

My Reflection:”Pain”

I: What is next to pain ?

My Reflection: “Nothingness”

I: What is next to nothingness?

My Reflection: “Hell”

I: What is next to hell?

My Reflection: You are not scared ?

I: Of what?

My Reflection: Of hell? There is nothing next to it. Everything is left  behind .You have faced a time when you understood everything. you have stopped laughing now. you are scared, of death and of hell. You don’t realize  it yet. You are hanging in between pain and nothingness. Try to move back on this path. You don’t want hell, you shouldn’t ! The face behind your fake mask is me. You have chosen the right path, now stick to it. You have all the answers of your questions, You just don’t have the courage to face and fight with the reality. Avoiding despair and hoping  key to success.

Then she brought out a shining pearl out of  her pocket, She called it hope.  She put that pearl slightly in my hand and folded my hand with her fingers. She came close to me, Closer enough and got absorbed in my body . There was silence all over again and My fast breath was trying to shatter it. I found myself covered with heavy sweat and My eyes were wide open. I saw a mask right where she was sitting some time ago. I picked it up and put it on my face.

I was sleeping, again like always. Sleep….That make me forget myself for some time.

I went through the process of self-awareness  and I had a small pearl in my hand. A pearl that seems to be  the solution of every problem ! At least to me !

“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

― C.G. Jung

Note: The answers by ‘My reflection’ were inspired by the famous novel “Peer-e-kamil (PBUH)” By Umera Ahmed. I love this novel and I love it more every time I read it.

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36 Comments

  1. srwright607

     /  July 14, 2013

    “Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

    ― C.G. Jung

    I love it

    Reply
  2. I’m just beginning but…I want to say, right away, that the photo is wonderful. I was raised in New Orleans so I have an understanding of masks. I’ll read now 😛
    Ellespeth

    Reply
    • Thanks so much I love the photo too….. Read it and tell me please how was it ! I need your comments to write more…..I appreciate you visiting my blog ! Keep visiting ! 🙂 xx

      Reply
  3. “I am a scandalized and stigmatized girl in eyes of everyone.” I can relate to this completely. Perhaps one often feels scandalized and stigmatized by the many other parts that make up who we are. Now matter what the image of the sacred we believe in, I believe you are right…something other than us – deep within us – chooses wisely for us when we cannot do so.
    Let me follow you more closely.
    Ellespeth

    Reply
    • Yeah I agree…..completely. There is nothing I can add more. Your views on this are beautiful 🙂 Thank you so much for the beautiful comments 🙂 They really means a lot ! Thanks much for following me 🙂 Love xx

      Reply
  4. I see an amazing writer developing here! Keep writing!!!!
    I also love to find the perfect pictures to go with my blog! Your choices are perfect!

    Reply
    • Awh thanks so very much for the appreciation ! I will keep writing if you will keep reading me like this 🙂
      Yeah I search for hours for the perfect match for what I write…. Thanks for appreciating that too 🙂 Love xx

      Reply
  5. Speechless. Well no, not really. But now i’m even more sure about the award I gave you. This is great. It’s very well-written. I loved reading it. Btw, I love peer-e-kamil too. But I think “Eeman, umeed aur mohabbat” is even better.
    I loved the part where you answered what comes after hell. And then about hope.
    And I have an opinion about human love. You’re right, maybe Allah wants to exchange it for His love, and nothing can ever be better than that. And maybe… He has even better plans. Maybe He has created someone somewhere who deserves you more, and who you actually deserve more too…

    Reply
    • Well thanks ! Right now I am writing my new post and crying at this time lol can’t answer you with all my mind …. But yeah you are right… As He says, He plans and Allah plans, And verily Allah is the best planner !
      I have read emaan umeed aur mohabbat too and all of the umera ahmed novels but the thing I find in peer e kaamil is no where else to be found !
      Thanks so much for loving my words…. I really appreciate it 🙂
      Thank you so much for the beautiful comment 🙂 Love xx

      Reply
  6. You make me speechless dear…!! Self confrontation isn’t easy task for a person…!!
    I am still seeking for my sole self….!! I truly adore your way of putting feelings into words…
    I see you….!!

    Reply
  7. Reblogged this on SahrishS and commented:
    Just read it! Every single word is SO WORTH READING!!

    Reply
  8. very impressive story to plot on.
    but i found nothing after “ECSTASY” …..
    Umera Ahmed know more that me so… *****D

    Reply
    • Live Life…and experience life…You will find all the answers 🙂 Thanks for liking this 🙂 xx

      Reply
      • Means i haven’t lived yet….
        Oh God……
        living. living. living…….

      • Lol I don’t know…you know the best about yourself…That was just my point of view 🙂 Thanks for the comments 🙂

  9. Rana Usman

     /  August 10, 2013

    One beautiful concept.

    Reply
  10. Asalam-o-Alaikum to everyone!!!

    And i am back …!!! 😀

    Not with a bang though … aagey he kafi kisam k dhamakey ho rehe hain Pakistan … May Allah Pak bless our beloved country and its people … Happy Independence Day!!!

    Sorry … I know I have been away for a long time … missed your blog very much … dont worry you don’t have to say … I missed you too … just because I said it … I wouldn’t mind though … hehehehe :p

    First thing first … you would make an excellent horror writer … gave me goosebumps … Like i said … pulled another “White Pearl” … Yeah that a THING!!! 🙂

    Can totally relate to your agony … the ultimate JUSTAJOO … of a human being’s life is to find out the reason of his creation … who am I … whats my purpose … and by that struggle … find his true creator … Allah Pak …!!!

    The destination may have its own place … but its the path we take that matters the most … few find the right path … and fewer yet remain stead fast upon it … everyone defines his own path … but my favorite one is that which explained as follows,

    “Dard-e-Dil kay wastay paida kia insan ko – warna itaaat kay leya kam na thay karo-beyan”

    Or that Iqbal’s Shair,

    “Khuda kay bandey tou hain hazaron,
    banon main phirtey hain marey marey
    Main uss ka banda banon ga jis ko
    Khuda kay bandon say pyar ho ga”

    I have had that feeling when the very ground you stand upon is swept away from under your feet … the pillars that you have build your life upon your values and believes … the things that you have (sadly) always taken for granted … crumble away in the blink of an eye … and you grope around trying to find something any thing to hold on to… and then your life shatters in to million of pieces… often during my prayers I try to personify Allah Pak … specially in my sajood … I imagine my forehead resting at Allah Pak’s feet … And in that moment … I too think how small I am … whats my reality … I compare my self with the billions of people in this world, our earth, our universe, of the seven heavens, of all the creations from Angels to Jinaat … and I say to my self … what am I … a grain of sand on one of the shore of sea, helpless and drifting … maybe not even that maybe I am a atom of that grain… or a particle … Invisible to naked eye … and still Allah Pak listens to my call and answers … and i feel humbled and drenched with shame … I think Allah Pak has no need of me … but still HE loves me … more than a mother … I once wrote this poem inspired from Iqbal’s poem … I can remember whole of it … but one of its verse went like …

    “Khuda hai tere liye … tu nahi khuda k liye”

    My feeling behind was the same … Allah Pak has no need of us … It is us who need Allah Pak … Who was there to ask Allah Pak … if Allah Pak had forgotten after creating us … and left us to our selves … us the sinners of all time … still Allah Pak is always there for us… and thats the hope we should all cling on to …!!!

    “bud (evil) acha badnaam bura” … People pass judgement on others to easily … just because I am wear Jeans … not shalwar kameez … and that I don’t keep a beard … It means I am the bad one … Nothing you do matters than … Only thing one can do is to stop trying to make everyone happy and be content with your self … but thats easily said than done … life is more complicated than that…!!!

    Phir lambi ho gyi discussion … 🙂
    Thanks for liking my comments … I too eagerly look forward to your replies and read them at least three time … and every time they bring a smile upon my lips … the true one … !!!

    As always stay blessed … Love …xx 😀

    PS: So much discussion on Allah Pak’s Love for us got me thinking my be I should write something about Allah Pak’s Love for Us … like you wrote about Our love for Allah Pak … Ishq-e-Haqiqi …!!!

    Reply
    • WA-ALAEKUM-ASALAAAAMMMMM !!!! Welcome back ! ‘Tum tu chaand ho gay ho’ lol
      Yes I am so worried with all these blasts 😦 And People are predicting about that Ghazwa-e-Hind thing 😦 I hope everything gets to normal soon !
      Lol oh yes Okaaay I didn’t missed you never ever for a moment 😛 Now think about and believe on the opposite of all of it 😛
      Lol I was in a mood of scaring people somehow before moving to the real interview ! 😉 I guess kuch zyada ho gya 😛
      I agree to all of your thoughts they go straight towards my heart ! Love both the verses you shared really Beautiful they are !
      Every word of you’rs is like it is wrapped in the Love of Allah….. I am really getting inspired of you ! 🙂
      I guess your comments makes a full post about Allah tala’s Love ! It would be awesome , what do you think 😉
      Seriously I have enjoyed every word you have written here……You are right Allah ala is always here…No matter how bad we are He still listens , This shows how Much He love us !
      You are right about people … what they perceive and judge through looks or something….It is impossible to make everyone happy Really I have learnt that !!
      And you should definitely write something about this topic… You have a lot of Allah tala’s Love related vocabulary and you would create a beautiful thing I am sure of it !
      Loved this discussion…In fact love what you said here 🙂
      Thank you so much for Such beautiful words ! I have no words to describe how much I am humbled 🙂
      Thank you !
      Love ❤ xx

      Reply
      • Hahahaha … Loved that “chand” thing … !!! 😀

        Allah Pak Pakistan ko apne hifz-o-amaan mai rakhe … now you are again scaring me with that … GHAZWA-E-HIND thing… 😦

        Don’t get too much Inspired … my fan club has limited space available … lolx :p
        There is place for only one person …. and you will be like … THE ONLY PERSON … hehehehe…!!! 😀

        I too have learned the lesson … but still you can’t stop yourself from trying to please people … at least the ones whom you care about… kya khyaal hai!!!

        Well I do want to write about it … it would be a great topic … but I feel that I will not be able to do justice to it … But now I also feel that with the appreciation and support of friends like yourself I mite be able to … and I am sure you will contribute where I would lack!!!

        Thank you so much for you kind words … Stay blessed … Love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx … lolx :p

      • Lol 😀
        Haan I am worried too for this 😦
        Lol I would be lucky to join your fan club 😛 What are the rules to receive this honor officially ? 😛
        And I am saying you to write ! Don’t think about the results okay itna naheen sochtay hotay just write and I know you will do awesome !
        Yes you feel right 🙂
        You too stay blessed 🙂
        Love lol okay I can’t comment on this xxx 😛 Lol

      • Rules … never thought about them … hmmm….

        Well you got to be really desperate for one … but if you are joining MY fan club … I gess you already qualify of that …. hahaha :p

        Hmmm … you got to be gloomy … lonely … the kind of person who puts other above himself … who loves old songs and gazals… should be a fan of Desi Food … being a little bit geeky , know it all … would be a plus…!!!

        You have got to love BLACK (colour) … FRIENDS (the show) and Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan … no exceptions :p

        To sum it all up you should be a Physco … to be my fan …. HAHAHAHAHA 😀

      • Lol Guess what ? I qualify with all the rules 😉
        I am lonely, I love old songs I love desi food all time favorite 😉
        Love black but love white more than black…..Lol you know all about me now 😛
        And yes I am a psycho and I say it out loud 😛
        Lol and guess what I am your fan now 😀
        So you are writing something new ?

      • Sorry for being late … bin busy …!!!

        Dats so kool … my fav. song … hmm soo many … but if i have to choose … Chelte Chalte, yunhi koi mil gya tha … Pakeeza … Fav. food … Ammi Ka bana hua Saag, Maqai ki Roti aur Lassi … and Biryani of course!!!

        I love white … slightly less than black :p … Of course i do … You are my carbon copy after all … !!! 😀

        If all psychos say they are not a psycho … what does this make you … soochne wali baat hai na … :p

        Kon sa wala fan … Electric ya Chinese Fan … Please be Chinese … cuz light wese he nahi aa rahi aaj kal … koi faida to ho ga … hehehehehe :p

        Aik to ye fan … aate he farmaish shuru … Kuch zyada he nakhre nhai hote fans key!!!

        All jokes aside … I am writing something … (Ab fan k liye itna to karna he pare ga na) … thats why I have bin busy … Frankly I have become much rusty in the past year … I have lost my inspiration … Really … the verses used to come to me … you know when it would be raining … or I am really happy or sad … My mood will become the theme … my mind would draw a story … and the words … they would just start to fall in the place … smooth and in a rhythm .., words would become verses and verses the story i wanted to tell … Now its like … I sat for an hour yesterday … wrote four lines … and even those were out of balance … there was no weight and depth to them … I mean I just couldn’t feel em … but I have written some today … a lot better … lets just pray okay…!!! 🙂

        Stay Blessed … Love xx

      • Hey ! Sorry for being late 😛 I am more late than you this time 😛 You know back in hostel.
        Lol I don’t like songs now 😛 😛
        I don’t eat saag lol never had in my whole life…Love biryani of course 😉
        Lol No one is another’s copy you know 😛
        Lol wo wala fan jo chalta kam hai aur awazain zada nikalta hai 😛 😛
        Lol I am glad I succeeded in boosting you up ! I know that happens when you are out of practice….Just write down whenever you are in your poetic mood and whatever comes to your mind….
        I am going to check your blog now for anything new 😉
        Stay blessed 🙂 Love xx

      • Hostel … hmm … well i am back on my training… thats lyk 9 to 8 … 😦

        Congradz … But this is confusing for me … the whole music thing … This could start another debate between us … but i wont cuz i too am not much sure about it … The general belief is that its forbidden … still many instrument have been invented by Muslims … see all confusing…???

        How iz that even possible .. tum Faisalabad mai rehti ho aur tum ne Saag nahi khaya … wow … okay i will have to seriously reconsider this fan thing …. lolx :p You should try it… mai bheejo ga tuje … Ammi prepares it often in winters … and its like a family tradition … Poora daig jitna banta hai … It goes to Mamus, Khalas, Neighbors, some of my friends… and so on!!!

        Well it was metaphorical …!!! 🙂

        lol …. Yaar mai aage he apni sleeing habits change karne ki koshish kar raha hoon … ab es shooor mai mai kaise sou ga…!!! :p

        and I am grateful for that … there really izn’t much in this blog … I started this just a few years back … I used to write a lot of poem during inter and graduation … sadly didn’t kept em … you know … jis k liye likhi usko bhej di … ya kisi ko koi pasand aai to usko de di …!!!

        You too … and ditto 😉

      • Yeah it is for me too….. I don’t know…. I just know the music that takes me away from Allah is Haram and the one which takes me close to Him or let me think about Him while listening , may be halal…I don’t know !!
        Lol khaanay peenay k maamlaay me me aisi he hun…I dn’t eat most of the vegetables…nor do I eat saag and Kari like things…. 😛
        Oh well Love you mom 😉
        My mom prepares it too but I never eat it….I have never tried.
        Hmmm okaay so It means I won’t be able to read more poems from you 😦
        I hope you are fine 🙂
        Love xx

      • Perfect logic….!!! 🙂

        Es mai hasney wali kia baat hai … ache bache dheer sari vegiez khate hain … (shayad es liye muje koi acha bacha nahi samajta… lolx :p ) … I make exceptions for thse two … and Kari is not even a vegitable yaar … !!!
        Well all moms are same … three cheers for auntie as well … kabhi try kari … its not that bad…!!!

        Ab itna udaas bhi na ho … aik second lagta hai tuje shakal bana ne mai … SURPRISE … !!!

        http://andeelusman.wordpress.com/2013/08/21/ajab-pagal-si-larki-hai/

        Specially dedicated to you … tum bhi kya yaad karo gi … kis psycho ki fan ban gai … :p

        wese go easy on it … like I said my skills are rusted…!!!

        Alhamdulillah … I am as healthy as a COW… oh i mean to say bull … lolz

        Asalam-o-Alaikum …!!!

      • Wa alaekum Asalam….Just came back after reading that wonderful surprise 😉 You would find my comment there….
        And me achi bechi naheen hun 🙂
        Lol yes bull sounds better ;D

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