Story of a date

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When words lost their meanings, when silence was the language

When barren was the heart, a rock , a stone, life bitter and tart

When tears were the drink, a sobbing champagne, a pain pie

I enjoyed dinner in perfect ambiance, with a partner ‘solitude’

Who being lovely enough to be hated, was a truth hidden in a lie

I danced that night , in madness, over sharp pieces of glass

With poison in stomach , wrapped in arms of ecstasy and trance

When It kissed me with knives , left me with pleasurable wounds

When I lost myself Inside me, when I was nowhere to be found

That night I was punished, in the fire of burning hell on ground

That night my soul was bruised , with all thrones gathered around

Ah! that night ended before the start, after agony became my best friend

Now every path is of pain , I want to walk without a path, is it a dead end ?

You want me to still have hope ? I have it. You want me to still try to stay happy ? I try. You want me to think positive ? I do.

I just need time to gather up myself again…..

 

 

 

 

Repentance, With Love.

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A black heart, dirty soul, tear filled eyes and trembling hands….. That is all I have. I don’t worth standing in front of you…. And still I am here….. I don’t deserve your mercy….. Yet still I am begging for it.

You are The Beneficent, you are The Merciful, You are The Almighty,  You are Kind. You Love me more than every single person in the world.

I do sins and I repent. You forgive me. I do sins again an I repent again and you forgive me. How would I ever be able to return you what you have been doing for me all my life ?

And here I am…begging you again with a bundle of sins on my shoulders….. I need you with me….I need to talk to you.

I know you are angry with me. And I know you will forgive me again. This feeling is all I have….More than a treasure for me. I need the exams you take from me…I need the difficulties…I need the problems….. I have realized what you always say that exams are for special persons to whom you want to give something other than ordinary.

I have realized, a life full of comfort and happiness is nothing….. I have realized I am nothing without you….

I know the difference now when you take my exams and when you punish me….I have recognized the feeling…. I want to have more….

I want to indulge in Ishq-e-haqiqui…..I want to be your ‘Muqarab’…… I want to Live this life for you….. I know my Wishes are huge…But same is your personality Allah….and I know I am wishing it from you…… You are Almighty.

I Love you Allah tala jee I Love you….Please forgive me…..

I am running out of words…..But you know what is going on in my heart…..I don’t know fancy words to attract you….I just have a plain simple heart and soul who is filled with your Love…..You know me Allah tala and I know you will respond…..

I just want to tell you I am embarrassed….I can’t lift up my eyes…..I am feeling ashamed of myself…..and I love you.

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Ek din Hazrat Moosa (A.S) ne Allah se kaha k mai Aapki Rehmat aur insan k gunah dekhna chahta hn Allah ne frmaya Peche dekho, Dekha to ek bohot bare Samandar k andar 1 drakht par 1 chirya apne mou mai mitti le kr bethi hai,

Hazrat Moosa (A.S) ne kaha ye kya.

Allah ne farmaya,

ye Samandar meri Rehmat hai aur ye drakht dunya , ye chirya insan aur us k mo mai jo thori c mitti hai wo us k Sare Gunah hain. Agar ye apna mo khol kr mitti(Gunah) pani mai gira de to meri Rehmat ko koi farq nhi parta. To kyun na insan touba kre aur main maaf na kron, insan to Naadan hai.

[ One day Hazrat Moosa (R.A) said to Allah that I want to see your blessing and human’s sins. Allah asked him to see behind. He saw a huge sea and a tree inside it, a sparrow sitting on that tree and some mud in its mouth.

Hazrat Moosa (A.S) said what is this ?

Allah said,

This sea is my blessings and this tree is this world, this sparrow is human being and the dirt in its mouth is all his sins. If this sparrow opens it’s mouth and throw all the dirt in water, it won’t effect my blessings . Then why not a human repents and I forgive him ? As human is unknowing.

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I should laugh.

What should I call myself ? Huh !

A loser ? A psycho patient ? A dumb idiot ? Sorry I can’t come up with a better word.

My life has been a total disaster…..I have been living in the house of my own imaginations.

All my life I thought I shouldn’t show my tears to my parents…I shouldn’t share my problems with the….They should never see me crying….. Why ? Because I thought they might get worried….I thought I have never given them any happiness so I have no right to give them pain because of me.

And today I am laughing at my thoughts. I am making fun of my own self…..

I was lying on my bed….crying and sobbing…..Reason was my parents.

They stood in the the door way…watching me. And then they left. They didn’t even say a word.  They didn’t even ask why am I crying.

They didn’t even thought I am dying for their one sentence of sympathy and care.

I am witnessing the pile of my imagination about my parents scattered on the ground right now….. And I am laughing…..

Happiness means smiling and laughing….Yeah?

So I am happy……I am so happy.

Because I know now, my parents don’t give a F*** !!

I was wandering in a black hole with no start or end and suddenly I am at the dead end !

(16th november 2013….A post written while crying and in extreme emotional imbalance)

Chalo Ab Phool Chuntay Hain (Urdu Poetry)

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Chalo ab phool chuntay hain

Bohat zakham seh leyay, bohat dukh utha leye

Chalo ab kadam barhao k khushiyan chunnay ka waqt aya hai

Ao khushiyun ko ik naya taaru’f detay hain

Janti hun bohat zakhmi ho tum, Lahulahaan hai rooh tumhari

Aj bhi zakhmun se khoon rasta hai k ye zakham bharnay k naheen

Aj bhi marham milta hai na marham laganay wala

Aj b dil k dard se ankhain bojhal ho jati hain

Per bas ab aur naheen

Rooh katti phatti hai tu kya hua…. Ankhain tu salamat hain

Saans bhi chal rahi hai abhi , dil b dharakta hai seenay me

Chalo k ab phoolun ko marham banana hai

In zakhmun ko pher se chupana hai

Chalo k ab ‘mein’ ko khatam ker k ‘tu’ hona hai

Tumhari kahani ka ikhtataam aagya

Ab Allah ki likhi hue kahani shuru honi hai

Aur Allah tu apnay wadun se kabhi mukarta naheen ?

Chalo k ab khawabun ko ankhun me utarnay se pehlay

Qatal kerna seekhna hai

Chalo k ab gham ko bhi khusi bana ker

Galay lagana seekhna hai

Ansun ko dil k under utaarna seekhna hai

K ansun ko pehchannay walay log khatam ho gay

Chalo k dil ko pathar kerna hai , Zindagi ko moum kerna hai

Khizaan me bhi phool chunnay ki adat daalni hai

Is umeed per k shaid ab khizan me b pattay haray bharay rahain

Umeed per tu duniya qaem hai

Chalo hum bhi umeed lagatay hain

Pher se dia jalatay hain…..

Chalo ab phool chuntay hain……

K kuch haq hamara bhi tu hai in phoolun per ?

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Scared Of GoodByes

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Scared of Goodbyes

Afraid of departures

She couldn’t bear

Fearful heart and sorrowful sighs

The good bye hugs

The tears and moans

Pain rendering faces

Missing heart beats

The thought of never meeting again

The brain bangs

Beautiful memories fading into darkness

Of never ending forest

The thick fog of flashbacks

Was contaminated by thoughts of future

Nostalgia

The full stop

Was  it all an illusion ?

Pain exploded out

Of everything

It started raining

As the sky felt her

Winds were companions

Soft and cool

Sadness prevailed

Silence shouted

Her soul shivered

She closed her eyes

Made fists

As if she was locking

Weakness in them

And

She left

Silently…..

Without saying good bye

She was scared of good byes

Back Again !

Hey ! I am here again with you people as I always say I can be absent but never for ever ! Hope you all are doing fine. I gave my final presentation and vivas and it all went very well. In fact our Group got the highest marks and stood on first position. Enjoyed alot in these three weeks with my friends… the hang outs , the lunches and dinners, the window shopping and wandering on streets…. Ahh I miss it all !

I never thought leaving my friends would be that difficult…. I never thought I got that much attached to them in these four years…. I never realized how important they were for me….. I realized all this when I was leaving and they all were crying and hugging me like never before and I was crying even harder ! I felt terrible while leaving and I wish time flies back and I value this beautiful relationship !

I never knew before why people write poems and quotations for friendship…… For me friendship was a mere relationship for a specific time…. It was because I got friends before who betrayed me…. I wasn’t aware of the taste of real friendship and when I got it, I got so much busy in enjoying it that I forgot to think about its importance. And now when sitting in my room, alone, I am feeling its importance…………. And I feel torn apart.

We understand the value of things and people truly when they leave us……. I don’t know it is human nature or the nature of some humans !

I will the time I spent in university…. I will miss my beautiful time in hostel….I will miss my friends so much….All my life. I don’t know what life has for me in the future but I know it won’t be more beautiful than the time I just passed.

Will write something about it soon….. In the mean time I have to prepare my brother for his exam.

Love you all.

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