Back Here Again !

Hi my beautiful fellows ! I don’t know right now whether any of you still follows my blog or not or whether anyone of you will get to read this post or it will stay here, unnoticed. I have written on my other blog for about 7 months and tonight, I felt like returning back to this one. I can’t figure out why I love this blog so much. May be because this is the place where I used to write with all my heart, where I used to share what I felt without even bothering to give words all the fanciness and glitter. Where I made so many beautiful friends and met so many honest and nice people who helped me in my bad times and never left me alone.

This blog was the place where I used to wander when I was struggling to go through life. When my mind never used to get tired of thinking in new dimensions and above all, when He was with me. When my Allah was with me. I lost Him on my way to pass life and I am struggling to get Him back from then. May be this place helps me to get Him back. May be you people help me to get Him back.

Back then, I wished to get a normal life. Now, I want to get that life back again. I want to get heart broken and I want to get all my pain back. That pain was the reason He was here. It was the reason I was in Love with him and He used to listen to me. It was a part of me and now¬† I am alone and miserable but I don’t feel that pain. A black hole of abyss is sucking me deep inside and this hollowness in my heart, it grows. I wan’t to cry but I can’t. May be man never gets satisfied with what he gets.

I wish you still read me here. I would be glad to know if you do ūüôā Love you all.

She…

She is not a good blogger nor a good writer. She keeps writing same things again and again no matter what we say. Her writings always revolve around her own life…the same so called sadness, the same pain , the same fears…. She keeps writing about them and we keep advising her but she never understands nor does she change her views about anything. I think she should stop this…. I think she should bound herself again in the huge , concrete, unwanted walls of her own self…. Freedom is not for her….Sharing don’t suit her….It never did…. She should stop now, yeah ?

Happiness ? She do’t know what it is ? Oh she is a big liar ! Who don’t understand happiness ? She do too. She know how to smile…she know how to extract happiness from her favorite moments….She just don’t want herself to be happy…. she is giving her own self some kind of punishment which she don’t realize…. Why ? She laughs on jokes…she talks and make people laugh…. She seems normal enough ! Then why do she writes opposite to it ? May be she want sympathies of people…may be she wants pity ! May be she enjoys when people spend their time diverging her thoughts towards positiveness….. She is bad enough to be hated anyway !

She hates dreaming and she still do it….She still never stops and still gets wounded with their broken ends….And she is willing to bear an unending pain just for some seconds of amusement ? What a loser.

What a dual personality she is….. She says she loves Allah so much and on the same time she let Him down… She do things which He don’t like and still she thinks He loves her…. How can she do this ? She is definitely an abnormal person with no character and mind. She will soon die by drowning in her own self.

She annoys her readers now…I think she should stop it ! She definitely should…

 

 

Repentance, With Love.

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A black heart, dirty soul, tear filled eyes and trembling hands….. That is all I have. I don’t worth standing in front of you…. And still I am here….. I don’t deserve your mercy….. Yet still I am begging for it.

You are The Beneficent, you are The Merciful, You are The Almighty,  You are Kind. You Love me more than every single person in the world.

I do sins and I repent. You forgive me. I do sins again an I repent again and you forgive me. How would I ever be able to return you what you have been doing for me all my life ?

And here I am…begging you again with a bundle of sins on my shoulders….. I need you with me….I need to talk to you.

I know you are angry with me. And I know you will forgive me again. This feeling is all I have….More than a treasure for me. I need the exams you take from me…I need the difficulties…I need the problems….. I have realized what you always say that exams are for special persons to whom you want to give something other than ordinary.

I have realized, a life full of comfort and happiness is nothing….. I have realized I am nothing without you….

I know the difference now when you take my exams and when you punish me….I have recognized the feeling…. I want to have more….

I want to indulge in Ishq-e-haqiqui…..I want to be your ‘Muqarab’…… I want to Live this life for you….. I know my Wishes are huge…But same is your personality Allah….and I know I am wishing it from you…… You are Almighty.

I Love you Allah tala jee I Love you….Please forgive me…..

I am running out of words…..But you know what is going on in my heart…..I don’t know fancy words to attract you….I just have a plain simple heart and soul who is filled with your Love…..You know me Allah tala and I know you will respond…..

I just want to tell you I am embarrassed….I can’t lift up my eyes…..I am feeling ashamed of myself…..and I love you.

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Ek din Hazrat Moosa (A.S) ne Allah se kaha k mai Aapki Rehmat aur insan k gunah dekhna chahta hn Allah ne frmaya Peche dekho, Dekha to ek bohot bare Samandar k andar 1 drakht par 1 chirya apne mou mai mitti le kr bethi hai,

Hazrat Moosa (A.S) ne kaha ye kya.

Allah ne farmaya,

ye Samandar meri Rehmat hai aur ye drakht dunya , ye chirya insan aur us k mo mai jo thori c mitti hai wo us k Sare Gunah hain. Agar ye apna mo khol kr mitti(Gunah) pani mai gira de to meri Rehmat ko koi farq nhi parta. To kyun na insan touba kre aur main maaf na kron, insan to Naadan hai.

[ One day Hazrat Moosa (R.A) said to Allah that I want to see your blessing and human’s sins. Allah asked him to see behind. He saw a huge sea and a tree inside it, a sparrow sitting on that tree and some mud in its mouth.

Hazrat Moosa (A.S) said what is this ?

Allah said,

This sea is my blessings and this tree is this world, this sparrow is human being and the dirt in its mouth is all his sins. If this sparrow opens it’s mouth and throw all the dirt in water, it won’t effect my blessings . Then why not a human repents and I forgive him ? As human is unknowing.

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I should laugh.

What should I call myself ? Huh !

A loser ? A psycho patient ? A dumb idiot ? Sorry I can’t come up with a better word.

My life has been a total disaster…..I have been living in the house of my own imaginations.

All my life I thought I shouldn’t show my tears to my parents…I shouldn’t share my problems with the….They should never see me crying….. Why ? Because I thought they might get worried….I thought I have never given them any happiness so I have no right to give them pain because of me.

And today I am laughing at my thoughts. I am making fun of my own self…..

I was lying on my bed….crying and sobbing…..Reason was my parents.

They stood in the the door way…watching me. And then they left. They didn’t even say a word. ¬†They didn’t even ask why am I crying.

They didn’t even thought I am dying for their one sentence of sympathy and care.

I am witnessing the pile of my imagination about my parents scattered on the ground right now….. And I am laughing…..

Happiness means smiling and laughing….Yeah?

So I am happy……I am so happy.

Because I know now, my parents don’t give a F*** !!

I was wandering in a black hole with no start or end and suddenly I am at the dead end !

(16th november 2013….A post written while crying and in extreme emotional imbalance)

A Thorn……….

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The World is not heaven…. The world is not heaven…… A voice echoed in my ears and tore them apart along with my heart….. This world is not heaven………..

Then why did you show it to me…why did you let me feel it…why did you let me see it…. for some seconds…. for some bits…. why didn’t you kept it hidden from my eyes….

And now that I have seen my heaven why can’t I get it here ? It is very hard for me to see my heaven some steps away from me and I feel impossible to get it….. I stretch both my hands and I run fast but I can’t get there…. I return each time to the point where I started….. why ? because this world is not heaven…..

I got aware of what is meant by heaven and what is meant by living hell that day….. I got aware of the hidden meanings… The meanings about which people say, some things are better unknown !

I am burning in ¬†the fire…. The fire of my wishes…. Wishes which are not about things of this world… wishes which are about having a life….I don’t have any right of ‘living’ ? I was born to live dead ? The fire burns me inside…… I can’t breathe….

Iqbal says us to destroy ‘Me’ …. To destroy the self….. To live for others…. Then where did this fire come from ? He never mentioned it….. What is this then ?

Allah says the pain that takes me close to Him is an exam for me and the pain that takes me away from him is a punishment.

My pain took me closer to Him…. Can sins take people closer to Him ? I am confused.

I once read, Bigger the sin bigger is the gift after you repent. The gift of pain is too much to handle…. But the gift of Him is everything to hold on to…. I can’t decide who am I ?

I don’t know why I am crying from last… I don’t know how many hours and I don’t know how I slept in his feet today…. I don’t know why I feel Him so close to me right now…. I don’t know why I want to quit….quit this world and go to Him…. I don’t know why I am me…..

I feel jealous….I feel jealous of the people who say they are happy and satisfied…. I feel jealous of the people who can talk about Him for hours and then do things opposite to the one they just said….

Do I deserve craving for the only only wish I had ? Yes May be.

I am nothing, With you I am everything……. 30-1-2013

It pricks like a thorn….. It pricks like a thorn………. This world is not heaven… It burns like fire…. It cuts like a knife…. And it pricks like a thorn……

 

 

 

 

The Black Rose

Black-Rose

Under the shadows of savage life , deep inside the dark forest.

A black rose possessed its tragic existence.

It was out cast and unwanted despite all its fragrance and radiance , It never fits in the relinquishing blooms.

It was cultivating loneliness in the presence of the whole forest and hence loneliness was out-grown !

It was growing thorns since the beginning as it always knew the one who dares not grasp the thorn should never crave the rose….

No one watered it, It nourished on its own till its ravishing bloom appeared…..It was always taken ‘For Granted’ and it bestowed an ancient confidence.

And one day it started burning but no one had time to grieve over it because they were busy admiring the forest…

All it ever wanted was to reach out and touch the hearts of other roses…. It wanted some Love but it forgot that all great and precious things are always lonely in the forest.

Its eyes were glued on life and they were full of tears…. It bled tears and its petals absorbed them silently…. It never gave a plaintive cry but its silence was deafening !

Slowly with the prolonged grief, the petals became pale. Autumn prevailed over it…in spring !

And then ‘Black’ was gone… All that was left was pinching thorns and pale stems. It followed the quickest path of self-destruction that was to push away all the loved ones, all the wishes.

The descent stripped it bare and left it as it was at its core, It was painful… It was abashed, ruined.

Black was gone… The beauty was gone…. The lustrous shine was turned to painful sighs…

The Black Rose was a part of the forest now !

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I have been busy these days in final presentation and stuff. I will reply to your comments as soon as I get free. I hope you will not mind and stay with me . Wish me luck. Thanks !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Post # 1

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Wandering Eyes and never ending sleepless nights

Headaches ! Restlessness and Severe Hunger at its height

Mind full of questions to inquire about the Mortal life

Blocked brains and frightening Horror filled in eyes

Though enjoyed the time, had fun being a rover

But still, Thank God ! My exams Period is Over ¬†ūüėČ

 

Yes ! I just took (most probably) the last exams of my life. Final presentation is still ahead but unofficially I am retired from studies. Back to home now , with all my luggage . Took a day to clear out the cupboards and draws of my room to make it worth-living again… And my “Cooking 101” and “How to manage Home 101″ Courses have been started by my Mom. Four more months to go !I am having a flu these days with a blocked head and flowing nose ūüėõ *Sneeze*¬†But still, things are better !

I wanted to clear out some things to my dearest readers before replying to their comments on my previous post. First of all, I apologize for being so late in writing and replying to you, as you know I was hell busy ! I read your comments time to time but never got a chance to reply to them.

Secondly, I wanted to clear out the ‘Sad and Always Crying” Image of me, you guys have in your minds. Some months back, when I made this blog , I had a sole purpose of pouring out all the feelings storming inside me because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I did the same, but I never had the idea that I would make so many friends here and would feel like having a ‘virtual’ family. I love all my family members now . Anyway, so when I wrote sad and teary every time when I got sad, I guess people made a concept in their mind that I always remain that heartbroken and pessimistic.

I want to tell you guys, I am a (Its hard to say myself normal for me , so I would skip that) person like other persons of the world who sometimes suffer from depression and is extra sensitive to things I observe but that doesn’t make me an “always sad” person. I don’t have anyone to talk to and I love sharing my feelings with this blog. I can never wear a mask and pretend on this blog at-least. Yes, I , most of the time come to this blog when I am feeling worse. And I crave less to share happiness than to share my pain , but that’s not my fault.

You want me to write happy ? Ok I will. But then I won’t be honest. I would feel like I am connecting with you people the same way I connect myself , or to be precise pretend myself to be with other people in my life.

I can’t say I am sad, nor can I say I am happy ! I feel what I feel… Have sometimes a whole happy day, sometimes a whole day crying and sometimes a “crying at times, and smiling at others” day. ¬†I am Thankful to God for everything , I stay happy and I laugh too ! Its just that I share more when I cry.I AM like that….. I feel hard to change myself.¬†So I would leave the decision to you guys….What do you want me to write ?

Love you all…. Thanks for staying with me always and remembering me. I Love You ! *Sneeze*

A Dream………

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Slept hearing the sounds of her own sobs and weep

On a damp pillow , swollen eyes and heart with cuts deep

Wakes up gliding in a sea of her own tears

With nobody around , Loneliness and no fears

 

She lie there with arms bent around her knees

Staring at the pervasive vastness of limitless seas

People who modified her life were not around

Busy in their own lives they made her astound

 

Alone she stand to face her life planned by them

To reveal and to hunt, whether to find sand or a gem

She thought she had cried over her loss for long

Now she had to take a step forward and be strong

 

Life has to pass, through laughs or through cries

Choosing the easy way is clever, higher she flies

Leaving behind everyone she loved before

Preparing herself to love one’s she never adore

 

Looking at the reflection of her face in pool of her own tears

She threw into it, her love her dreams, wishes and her fears

Shivering inside, feeling helpless, lonely but calm and quiet

She bestowed herself to Him, He is the one who is just right

 

Preparing to fly high, she looks at the clear blue sky

Shoulders without burden , she took a warm sigh

Wishing to feel all her life , the same optimism’s gleam

But sad she was , because this was only a dream…..!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Am Getting Married.

Yes I am getting married. It took me 1 and a half YEAR to realize this single reality…I am getting married.

Though the things beyond this fact are blur. Getting married to whom ? What do I feel ? Why I am doing this ? Why is all this happening ? Everything is blur.

I am going to be a computer scientist in another month. I Love my field now . I got the highest grades and GPA In my class. I am a so called intelligent student in the eyes of teachers. And yet….I am getting married. Just after the completion of my studies.

People say me to be optimistic about my future ! Can I ? Yes I know I should………..!!

The one I wished to pass all my life with….saw all my future dreams with….planned my future with…..is lost in the fog of time and fate !

The one I am going to have a future with….. I never thought about him….I have no feelings , an empty heart for him. This is the future I have to look up to !

I don’t know If I won’t be getting married , I would be doing any job or studying further , My life would be better in Future.

I don’t know either my life would be good with all that seems obvious. I don;t know anything. I am confused.

It took me 1 and a half year to realize the fact that I am getting married. I don’t know how much time I would take to accept the person of my fate.

My Allah and then my parents chose him for me…..and I accepted their wish…with my eyes closed. I couldn’t kill the happiness of my parents . I never gave them any happiness except this one. I am not selfish.

That was the time I stopped wishing for myself. Its hard when you get wounds all over your soul….by the broken pieces of your dreams….and you find no remedy…..no cure.

I have made room for pain in my heart. I know I have to live with what I am given I know I have to accept and I have to Move on !!

It is a difficult task.

Anyway…… I am getting married on 15th February 2014 and You all are Invited.

 

There should be some caring people to give me their shoulder. After all I need four of them. After all ‘Red’ color is getting ‘white’ for me. After all my marriage may be my funeral.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Miss You Today !

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Zoomed-in Human Eye

In my eyes , in the form of tears, you come

Slide your hands through my cheeks , glum

Gather on my neck , kissing it, make me frozen !

 

I dive into the past , those moments pleasant

The few days passed with you, make them my present

See them through my eyes, smile with contentment

 

Then I see the future, my life with open eyes

I get scared , I shiver, a wave of pain arise

It seems empty , hollow and barren without you inside

 

I miss you today, as today can be the last

To miss you or to talk about ‘our’ past

As I am losing that ‘tiny’ right on you today, alas !

 

Eyes are so beautiful , so why they do the hardest task

Of seeing through time, of becoming windows for the pain vast

Of becoming the mirror for the feelings in heart’s glass

 

The bright colors of eyes are insufficient for me to see you

I adore you, be with you and In my heart I see you

I love you and no beauty of eye is required for me to love you

 

This day is the day of pain, the day of finally getting realization

As I hang , between ‘Him’ and you through time of coadunation

You don’t belong to me, why there is still this strong connection ?

 

Memories of The past and The present have jumped on me

Eating my flesh, taking away my strength, they stabbed me

Alone, powerless and hopeless here in the dark they just left me…

 

And like every time I just realized, Missing him wasn’t a good idea !! The lines above may be absurd to you, As ‘myself’ is for me. But this was all I had. Sometimes words are not sufficient to describe what you feel. In fact they are not sufficient at all.

 

 

 

 

‘Heartache’

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Caustic heavy heart beat drumming in ears

The very choking breath full of fears

The restlessness, hopelessness, pain arise

Rubbing hands, Hollowness, tears in eyes

 

The severe agony thinking about the future

The regrets while peeking into the past

Eating my heart like beetles eat wood

Not letting me do, what I should !

 

The wish to have a wound on my body

The urge to scratch it hard with nails

That pain would kill the pain in heart

The blood would cause the heartache frail

Stepping singly on the graves of wishes

Each one arises and cause acute affliction

Somewhere deep down a part of heart itches

Takes me back to the endless expedition

The questions bubble into my mind

Like the sky with soft white clouds aligned

Am I bipolar , mystic , schizophrenic , wacky brain ?

Or I am just having the ‘Heartache’ again.

The Window !!

girl-and-magic-window-girl-image-magic-moon-sky-window

The Window opens.

The crashing thunder storm makes it weak enough. It can’t withstand the intensity of their roar. They don’t even let it fight with them now. They make it wide open………without any struggle.

The window protects…. Like the big grey metal gate of the Graveyard protecting the dead who don’t have any fear . It protects each Grave buried deep inside……

But the storm is powerful……. The storm of thoughts and memories. It knew the way to conquer the weak protection of window.

She stands, In front of the window every time it is left open. Holding the window tightly with both her weak bony hands.

Like-wise , it happened today. She stood there for a long time staring at an abstract point in the air. She was trying to peek far through the fog, in her past.

Full moon was shining on the sky like the king of a big kingdom, with all its glory . People say, In full moon nights crazy things happen. The people sick spiritually with the disease of Human Love , start having fits on this night. They start seeing things which can never be seen with naked eyes. The balance between their inner-self is disturbed by moon and they feel themselves falling into an endless depth of abyss.

Forfeited Love Reveals the concealed………

The day when he proposed Her through her parents was playing on the clear screen of her mind. She felt the pain again when she cried all night for 7 hours and when she realized she was effected badly by this disease. The answer of ‘No’ from her parents, without asking her , broke her to pieces. She felt darkness , she felt suffocated and she felt The effects of Love that night for the first time.

She closed her eyes tightly….She couldn’t continue thinking from that very moment.

When she opened her eyes, she was taken to the day he was getting engaged. Some mere pieces of paper were taking him away from her. A feeble ray of hope was getting dissolved in to dark future. And it dissolved…completely. She kept awake all night again that day. Her mind was tired of the¬†seizure. She realized how bad the disease is spreading all inside her. She was becoming a wood eaten inside by insects.

She opened her eyes again. She knew the next part was the extreme of pain….. Nothingness!! She recalled she wanted to forget it.

Diving into the sea of memories again, she reached the part when her Love was officially going to be someone else’s. She tried to recall the words of the three texts she wrote for him every day of his marriage, trying to show her misery to him. She recalled the hysterical fits she got on the first day of his wedding. She recalled the extreme crying and screaming voice of her on the second day. She recalled she had a lot of sleeping pills those days but still she couldn’t sleep. No medicine has any effect on this dangerous disease.

Covering her face in the blanket, laying folded like a little child she used to think for hours and she’d never know when the daylight turned dark. She was scared of facing the world, facing the people and her life. Facing the reality…..

She recalled the ways she used to give pain to herself. Pain was the feeling that kept her connected to him.

He would be with ‘his wife’ right now…. Holding her hand. His hands were so strong. When he used to take her hands in his hands, she use to feel like she is in the shadow of someone, she felt protected. Now ‘her’ hands would have taken place of her’s, she thought. He had a habit of feeling the upper-side skin of her hand through his thumb while holding it…… She remembered.

They would share a pillow… They would talk till late at night about various things. Will he tell ‘her’ about me ?

A big warm tear came out of her eye and fell on her hand.

He said he never wanted to see her tears and he always closed his eyes when she cried.

‘She’ has his name….with ‘her’ name. She is lucky, very lucky. She recalled how she used to call ‘her’ name along with his name as ‘her’ last name and how each time a wave of pain came bursting out of her heart.

They would start a family. Their children….My Love’s children…… Both of their children…..

She felt small needles were just pierced through each pore of her body.

She recalled the days and nights which were passed with the thought of they being together……. The disease was spreading fast all over her soul. She was sick. Sick of the cure-less disease. She use to lay down on her bed all day without moving an inch. She was like a lifeless corpse !

She realized how painful was her past……. And how she is still living her past in her present !

She couldn’t stand here more. She realized she would fall out of the window if she won’t struggle to close the window. She needed something to let this intense feeling out of her. The moon was gazing at her as it is trying to tell her she is not alone. Her mind was stuck…….. Her thoughts were paralyzed.

A Corpse.

She closed her eyes tightly , covered her ears with her hands and started screaming. Hard….very hard till her throat started collapsing ! She slowly opened her eyes.

The moon was still there. She felt like it has absorbed all her pain for a while. It was giving her time to close the window to the past.

She had her Catharsis done.

People say Catharsis is necessary for the purification of heart and soul……. For emotions ! Without getting it done, people would become mad.

What about the people who already are mad ?

After diving into the depth of despair once, the path to the truth and light becomes clear or one drowns forever in despair. She was not drowned forever !

Life keeps you teaching lessons you never want to learn !

The window was closed. The moon couldn’t hold her pain, So it hide itself in clouds. There was no more bright light outside.

She realized some windows need to be closed forever. They should be metal plated and engraved deep inside. But she knew It needs power to close them forever. She was weak………… She was tired !

The window was there, with all its glory. She knew there would be another full moon night again. The window would open again, Soon !!

Frustration !!

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This vast ample hustling universe

Feels congested, pinched and suffocating to me

Engaged in profuse conventional chores

Swallowing my own tears,  feeling them in throat

I feel an urge to lock myself in a small black room

Without any window and no doors

Where I can cry out loud

And there is no one to hear me

Where I can scream to my voice’s full intensity

And there is no one to judge me

Where I can stretch my hair,  rub my eyes, punch the wall

And there is no one to say me absurd

Where I can lay sobbing for the time I need

And no one come to ask me ‘why’

Yes, I need a break from this vast hustling universe

And yet I wish No one descry my absence

I may sound imprudent,  moronic, thick-headed

But Yes,  I am frustrated !

I am Frustrated, thwarted !

And I need a break !

“Wishes And Sufferings”

"Wishes"

“Wishes”

Watching a television show in the morning while eating for starting my fast, I hear some very good discussion between some scholars. It has engaged me into thinking . With the TV remote in my hand, I dive into my past and go far away. The discussion was about wishes and suffering. Its theme was something like this:

Buddhism is a religion indigenous to the Indian subcontinent based on Buddha’s teachings who was an enlightened teacher as known by the men of that time when he was alive. He spend his whole life searching for the root cause for pain and sufferings of human beings. He produced a theory in which he said that the root cause of human suffering is “wishes” . If human can eliminate wishes from his life, He would never feel pain or suffer again. He used to call¬†attainment of the cessation of all suffering as the sublime state of “Nirvana” .

Hazrat Muhammad (P.B.U.H) who is the last messenger of Islam said something same about this theory. He (P.B.U.H) said us to refrain from bad wishes and adopt the good wishes.

I couldn’t agree more with these thoughts. I have started relating my life with these theories. I am rambling into my elapsed years. A flash back has occupied my mind.

I was a girl full of wishes since my childhood. When I was a small kid, I used to wish for the same house as I read in the story “Hansel and Gretel” . They found a house which was made of chocolate and its doors were of candies and toffees. I used to read that story everyday and then I use to dream for that chocolate house. I wished I would be eating chocolate bars from that house and I would never get caught by the witch living there .

Then when I grew up some more, I use to wish for the “Magic Pencil” , From a TV drama in which there was a kid who had a magic pencil and everything he draw with that pencil, becomes real. I use to see him carefully while drawing and the I use to practice drawing for the things I wanted in my life. Some times, lying down before sleeping I use to make stories in my mind about what will I do when I get the pencil. I enjoyed doing that. Back then I didn’t have a sense whether these wishes can be fulfilled ever or not. I never thought about what will happen if they don’t come true. I just wished and wished and I found fun in doing that.

I smile while these thoughts fill my mind . I love recalling my childhood. Childhood is about innocence and playfulness. It is about joy and freedom. I wonder how innocent children are. Without worrying about the future they know how to live in present and how to cherish every moment they have. They never think about the results, they just wish . They don’t wish about things that could become true but they find wishing pleasant so they wish. Wishing makes them happy and they know how to stay happy. Every one wishes to go back into their childhood for the same reason.

As I stepped out of my childhood towards my teenage, My wishes started changing. I started wishing about some real things. I had a wish of going to every country of the world back then. Then I started wishing some more realistically. I wished I get married to a person with a Government job so that when he gets transferred after some months I could visit many cities of my country. I was scared of living at the same place for a long time . I wished for getting good grades and first position in my class. Then I started wishing for looking cuter than my friends. I started wishing for lovely clothes and shoes.

Then there was a time span I never want to think about. It gives me goosebumps ! I should leave it untouched. It scares me. It is the most embarrassing part of my life I never want to reveal to anyone. I guess we all have some secrets hidden deep down in us which we don’t want to reveal to anyone.

And…..now there is this present time. When My wishes have took a complete new meaning. One of my wish eradicated all my other wishes at a time. That one wish produced complete new set of wishes another time. When I think about my wishes at present, I sometimes find myself stupid enough. I had the strangest wishes ever now. I know some of my wishes can never become true but I still wish for them . I know some of my wishes are the hardest, but I still wish for them. I have got rid of the wishes of “Things” completely. But still I have some extraordinary wishes. Some superstitious wishes. I never tell anyone about my wishes. I know they would judge me. I don’t wish like normal people anymore.

I ask myself. Is getting rid of wishes so easy ? Is it possible to reach to the state of “nirvana” ? If not , what was the logic behind this theory ? Is it really possible to get rid of all the suffering and pain? I don’t know. I want to know the way to do this if it really exist !

I have read, wishes are a part of human nature. It is in human blood that he wishes. How would be life like, without wishes ? I ask to myself.

I can understand the other theory though. Wishes can be distinguished into categories. Good wishes and bad wishes. It is good to wish for good things and bad to wish for bad things. But what is the scale for measuring the goodness and badness of wishes ? I guess that is the scale our religion gives us. We can take help from the teachings of our Religion about how to distinguish our wishes. I like this thought. I am distinguishing my wishes now in my mind. What are the wishes bad for me ? And what are the good ones?

This brings me peace somehow. I have passed a big part of my life in pain and suffering over small things. I knew I was emotional and touchy. I knew I expected a lot. I knew I dream t and wished a lot but I never figured out clearly that all my pain was due to these things. Everyone in this world want to get rid of pain and sufferings. But we have to sacrifice our wishes in return. It is a hard deal to do !

And now when I have figured out, What would be the next step ? Is it possible to get rid of your greatest desires so easily ? Is it that easy ? No…I guess ! Not for me.

But I have the code now. I will try. I will try to wish good all the time. I will try to load my “bad wishes” with the good ones, at least, if I won’t be able to erase them. Trying again and again is the only thing I can do ! Hope of getting rid of my pains is all I have. I once read “Dreams are more real than reality itself, they’re closer to the self” .

I get up as the time for eating is over. Starting my new fast with a new concept in mind,  I hope I figure out the ways soon !

 

“Guilty As Charged”

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I am a prisoner.

I am a prisoner of my own self.

I did a crime and ended up in this prison.

You know , what was the crime ?

I saw Dreams !

Dreams of a “happy” and “contented” Life

Dreams of “peace” and “Love”

Dreams of “calm” and “blessed” Me !

And these Dreams were a crime

That Day

I cried, I screamed, I begged

What is my fault ?

They said, The same

You saw dreams

You expected for a beautiful Life

You hoped for happiness

You did wrong !

You knew the rules

Expectations always hurt

Dreams always break

Love always hurt

But still, you did the crime

Now this is your punishment

You have to live

In a prison of your own self !

You will Die every day

But there will be no one to cry on your death

You will burn in your own fire

But there will be no one to put it off

You will hurt your feet everyday

Walking on the broken pieces of your dreams

But there will be no one to protect you

You are forever alone

You are forever a prisoner

This is your punishment.

Till that day

I cry out loud, I scream

I ask them, was my fault so big ?

Do I deserve this suffering ?

Every time they say the same

Yes, because you saw Dreams !

My feet are bleeding

By walking on the broken shards

My body is tired

Walking on these paths

I am hollow , I am dead inside

I see my dreams coming true in someone other’s life

And I cry, I screech with pain

But there is no one there for me

No one to feel my pain, No one to see my tears

Why Me ? Why my life ?

Because I saw dreams……………

I am tired

I am exasperated

I have started realizing now

Yes this was my fault

I saw dreams

I did a crime

And I am “guilty As Charged”

 

 

 

The One Night When A Miracle Happened !

The Calm After A Storm

The Calm After A Storm

She was angry with Him for several days , She recalled.  They were not talking for some days. The occasional phone calls they used to do everyday for some minutes were aborted.

She was feeling something inside her that day. She couldn’t recognize what it was. It was chasm, exhaustion,anxiety or what it was ? She was not sure. She was looking at the phone repeatedly with a gap of some moments. The feeling was in-suppressible. She couldn’t move her eyes off the phone. Her hand moved towards it for a moment and then reverts back. She wasn’t sure whether to call him or not. She was restless and distressed but she couldn’t tell him . She recalled, She was angry with him !

At the evening she found her self  irresistible. She never felt that intense feeling before ever. She wanted to tell him about what she was feeling. She picked up her phone and dialed his number. She could hear the noise of her heart hammering hard in her ears. She was making up words in her mind to talk to him. The bell rang, twice, thrice and the phone was picked up from the other side !

As she tried to speak, She heard harsh loud noise coming from the other side of phone. She couldn’t figure out what it was.She tried to speak but random words came out of her mouth. Then she heard his feeble trembling voice echoing into her mind I just met with an accident a minute ago He was crying loud with pain and she was hearing it. She tried to speak but nothing came out of her mouth. He hung up. This all happened in such an instance.

She recalled she was angry with him ! She recalled he told her, he had to go to the next city in his car to pick up his brother today. She recalled he use to drive rash and she always kept advising him to drive slow. She recalled ¬†he was everything to her. He was her love, her life, her soul. He was everything ! She recalled, she starts crying every time she saw him crying . She thought…….He is in pain right now…..Extreme pain.

She couldn’t breathe. she was suffocating. She felt like someone is pressing her neck with both hands.

Where is he now ? How is he ? Did anyone came to help him ? Is he bleeding ? He will be bleeding . His blood…. There would be a lot of blood. Is he alright ? How is he ? He must be in pain ….. What should I do ? What can I do ? I don’t know where He is. I should call some one to ask him to go help him. To whom should I call ? No one knows about us. I should go there . How can I ? I……I am helpless……. A lot of questions and answers were exploding in her mind. Her mind was not accepting what she just heard. He must be joking…..But the pain in his voice ?

She felt, she is going to die. She dialed his number again. Her hands were shivering this time. He accepted the call but she realized he didn’t took the phone to his mouth. Their were noises, there were people asking him about his name and his father’s name. He was crying , screaming with pain. She felt the misery in his voice when he was saying his father’s name. She felt her heart bursting out. Her nails were pinned into her own hands in her fist. She was trying to absorb the pain but it was increasing with his screams. Her lips were under her teeth , pressed forcefully. She was in extreme pain. She felt the same pain he may be feeling right now. She called his name loudly but there was no response. The call was cut off again.

She remembered, recently she heard about so many of her relatives died in car accidents. She hated herself for thinking about that but couldn’t help it. She got up off her bed and started walking in the room, crying hard. She found herself screaming out loud. The walls of her room were trying to absorb her voice but they failed. She screamed for some time and then she felt herself tired. She was still crying. Her eyes were red , bulged out and nose was swelled. She was rubbing her hands again and again restlessly. Her one leg was moving speedily as if she is trying to calm her down but she wasn’t succeeding.

She recalled she was angry with him !

She looked again at the phone in her hands. This phone is the only source connecting me with him ? She thought. More warm big tears came out of her eyes and fell on the phone. What should I do ? He is in pain……He is in extreme pain….and I….. I am sitting here…..I can’t be with him right now…..I can’t see him right now……I can’t do anything for him……..She started crying more loudly. She was holding her hair hard in her fists. He is in pain………He could die ? No I won’t let him die……I won’t.

She wiped her tears brutally off her face and started praying to God. The One God who placed him in her heart. Who gave her the Love of human. The one God who caused this problem and He is the Only one who can solve it, She thought. She started praying. Prayer after prayer every prayer with a purpose of saving his life. She asked Him in the name of His book, His Prophet, to save his life. She bowed in front of Him . She was crying loud. Please save him. Please lessen his pain. Please take away his pain. Please help him finding doctor. Please protect him. She was begging , she was begging.

I need a Miracle. She found herself saying this. I want a Miracle. You do Miracles for your men. Today I need it. You have created me and you are responsible for my every suffering. I have never asked you anything forcefully. I always wanted your consent. I am asking today. forcefully , not to harm him. I beg you, I need a Miracle. I will be Thankful to you all my life. Take my life and give it to him.She begged and begged. She couldn’t find more words but she was begging with the same words again and again.

This was the night she realized, How much this person means to her. She realized she could live without him if she see him healthy and contented but She can’t see him dying. She realized she want to see him happy and peaceful. She realized how important he was to her. She realized, how obstructed she is. She realized How hard her hands are tied and she realized, she was not worth than a grain of sand !

She was scared of Him. Very much scared. How powerful He was, What couldn’t ¬†He do ? ¬†How merciful He was, What didn’t He do ? He knew how to keep human, a human . With anger or with mercy, He knows how to keeps human in his limits !

She traveled a long journey of ecstasy towards pain in this short night. ¬†She traveled from complication to perception. She was chosen to see the real face of life. She was chosen to know the hidden ugly secrets. The truth was revealed to her in one night. Her importance was made clear to her in one night. Her capability was clear.¬†Pain, anxiety,agony, discomfort, misery,convulsion, distress, affliction,hurt…………. what feeling was left for her to go through. She was entering into a new phase of life with a new meaning of it. She couldn’t think. Her thinking capability was ¬†fading because of crying hard for a long time. She realized its been three hours she is crying.

She started walking again in her room. She felt her mind and body convulsed. She sat in a corner of the room , contracting herself. Her eyes were centered onto a virtual point, gazing. She was scared of the future. She was scared what is going to happen. She was afraid, She was frightened to the extent. She found herself dialing the number again. He picked up this time, He spoke. She was burst into tears and she started crying again. She asked Him while crying How he was. He said,I am fine now and I am in a hospital. I will call you when I will reach home I can’t talk right now . Don’t worry.”

These were not words she just heard. She heard the call of peace and happiness. She heard the flowers blossoming . She heard the cool wind whispering. She heard all the loveliest sounds of the world , altogether. She found herself bowing on the ground where she was sitting a second ago. She found herself shedding tears again, but this time the tears were of joy, of happiness and of thankfulness. She kept in that state for several minutes Thanking Her God what He did for Her. She was Thankful , He made her His slave, for the rest of her life.

She asked for a Miracle, And It happened !

After some hours She received a call from him. He told her all about the accident. He told her She was the first one to call him, at the moment he met the accident. He asked her , How did you came to know about this?  She had no answer but tears in her eyes.

He broke a bone near his neck. Had some scratches on the knee and some other body parts but he was safe. The car was destroyed badly. No body was believing he survived after such a bad accident. Doctor advised him to take complete bed rest and some medicines. She was talking to him. She had no words to tell him what she went through in the past hours. She was trying to upraise him, cheer him up. You will be fine soon. He was crying and she was not. She was consoling him . There were tears in her eyes but she wasn’t losing hope. She was feeling extreme love for him right now in her heart . She felt an urge to hug him. He was under the influence of medicines so he slept while talking to her.

She was listening to his breath. She realized how important his running breath was to her. Her heart was filled with tears and they were coming out of her eyes but there was peace. She looked at the sky out of the window. Night was passed , the sun was coming out.

There was silence and calm, like the calm after a big storm passes.

She recalled she was angry with him. Was she ?

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*This story may seem like a fiction to you but it is true. It is my Story. Each and Every word of it is true. I was not comfortable writing it with ‘I’ so I wrote it with ‘she’. I have re-lived the same moments today as I was writing this story, that I lived then. I am feeling so tired after writing it……Replaying my life makes me tired. I hope I have done justice with it ūüôā

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A Letter That Is Never To Be Posted !

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Dear Mama And Daddy !

First of all I Love you and so very much !

No I am not fine as I always say when you ask me how are you ? I want to tell you some things… Some things That you don’t know and you can’t even imagine of.

Do you know what is my biggest wish of my life ? Let me tell you today.

My biggest wish is that I make you proud one day. You get a lot of happiness or reward because of me, someday. I don’t have any wish regarding myself. I use to fantasize in my free time that I have done something big and every one is admiring you both because of me and you have that shine in your eyes, which comes in every parents eyes when they feel proud of their child. I want to see that shine in your eyes ! I want to make you feel proud ! I have always let you down. I never did anything for you in my whole life , At least this is what you know ! I feel this from the depth of my heart. This is the strongest desire I feel when ever I think of my life.

I am a sensitive and touchy girl. You don’t know this till now. It all started when I was young I don’t exactly remember my age. And mama, you were sitting with all my brothers and you all made fun of me for some thing. I ran away to my room and fell on my bed and cried and cried but no one came to express sympathy with me. I felt so bad. I was young, I didn’t realized what is happening but I felt neglected.

Then It started happening more often. You say words to make fun of me in a funny way but instead they hurt me. I started feeling pain when I was so young but back then, I couldn’t name it. I cried lying on my bed every time this happened but you never consoled me . A wish started sprouting in my heart that you come to console me, wipe away my tears and upraise me but you never did. You never felt what I use to go through.

I was a good student at first and you somehow felt proud of me till 9th grade. Then a disaster happened to me and I failed your expectations. I failed you badly in 10th grade and in my college. You never bothered to ask me what happened to you ? You used to be a brilliant student what is the matter with you ? You used to be so happy why don’t you seem happy now? Did something happen ? No. Instead , on knowing about the matter you behaved so rudely I can’t even think of that time now. It makes me cry ! That was the most ugliest time of my life and there was no one to tell me what is right and what is wrong. There was no one to listen, and when I found someone who listened to me I followed the wrong path even without seeing that face ever in my life. It was just a voice to me, But you behaved like I have done something so bad. I needed you at that time but you beat me hard with your words. I felt alone. I started receding away from you.

Dear mama,

Do you know what I use to think when I miss you ? That I am lying with my head in you lap and you are running your fingers across my hair. And talking to me. I felt so loved in my dreams thinking of that. I am your only daughter but you never did it. I don’t have courage to tell you that. I wish that I lie with my head in your lap one day and you kiss on my forehead . And you tell me how much you love me and you are here no matter what happens. Tell everything to me like your friend. I am your friend. But I don’t see that happening ever.

Dear daddy,

I use to think of you too in the same way. I wish someday you hug me and kiss my forehead. You express your indulgence . You pass your hand through my head with love some day and say I love you.  You are my sweetest daughter and I am proud of you.

I felt so happy when you sometimes put your hand on my head and when mama said You are my lovely daughter I felt blessed. I felt honored at that time !

Tears are running out from my eyes through my cheeks towards my neck as I am writing this. I am running out of words. I am not bothering to use fancy words and phrases while I write this. These words are flowing out of my fingers without following any rules.

I want to tell you that there was no one I can celebrate my success with when I got a position in my class here in university. There was no one whom I can tell that my teachers admire me and they are happy from me. No one to tell that I got highest marks in my favorite subjects. No one to tell that I got such a good GPA. No one to tell that I made a web site alone and my teacher admired me so much that he said he will buy a domain himself and will make it online. No one to tell that there are three people in my class who have some real skills of web and I am one of them . No one to tell that there are three students in my final year project group but they look at me when they need help and I alone is making that project without any help and my teacher is satisfied with me. Every time I got something, some admiration directly or indirectly no face comes into my mind to whom I can share my happiness. I felt more alone and the happiness faded at once. Sadness prevailed it .

I want to tell you that I took the biggest decision of my life because of you. I gave importance to your choice rather than mine for passing my rest of life with someone. I had a chance, but I never told you people because I thought you will think bad of me , you will get hurt ! I left the person I loved with all my heart, The Person who led me towards Allah’s love. I said yes to the person you selected for me . Why ? Because daddy, you let me lay down on your arm and told me that you liked that boy so much and you want me to accept him. And I did…. For you daddy ! I never thought what would happen to me, I never thought how would I survive with a person I don’t have any feelings , with an empty heart. I still don’t tell you that I pass through so much pain while talking to him and thinking of him. But I do this for you ¬†And you will never know.

I loved you when I was here at home but I valued your worth when I started living in hostel. I missed you so much and all my views about you changed. At first I use to think that you don’t give me what I needed. Now I think that you did your best. You chose a life for me that is the best according to you. You tried to do everything perfect for me. It is just that you never tried to feel what I feel. Do you know why I use to keep laughing when I come home? You think because I am happy and satisfied. But I want to tell you I do this to hide my sadness, my tears. And you will never ever know that.

I don’t want to reveal My inner self to you. That will make you hurt. It will be difficult for you to think your daughter is going through so much pain. You think I am happy about the future you chose for me, I want you to think that for the rest of your life. I feel satisfied when I see you happy. I never want to tell you that How painful is the very thought of my future for me. I want to respect what you think. I will never break your trust on me. Some times when I came out of the washroom after crying for hours and there was a smile on my face you never recognized I have cried. You never read my eyes you never saw my tears. I felt hurt sometimes that you cant see my sadness but It is good I guess.

I want to tell you how alone I am. I want to tell you that I cry every time I am alone and I think of telling that to someone and sometimes your face come to my mind but I always think this will make you worried about me and I cancel the thought of telling you. I want to tell you that I have faced so many big problems in my life and I solved them with out even letting you know. You think my life is so easy and comfortable ¬†I want you to think the same always. I want to see you happy. I use to pray for you after making every prayer. I don’t have any wish for myself. I pray for you and my brothers. You are my life you people are my soul !

Sometimes I wish I could tell you all that. At some point in life, when you hurt me with your words saying ¬†” You don’t feel what we go through for you people ” Or you don’t feel our worries or things like that. I feel an urge to tell you all this. But then I stop. Think of me like you always do…At least that will make you happy. I want your happiness and I am ready to pay the price for it.

You have done so much for us. I want to tell you that I feel your worries. I feel your pain… my heart melts when I see you in some kind of pain and I cry when I am alone and ask help for you from Allah. You know all my wishes revolve around you. I want my dad to get close to Allah. I know He love Allah so much but I want him to start following the right path. I want my brothers to follow the right path and get all the success and happiness in life. I want my mother to get all her wishes come true and all her worries fade out.

I love you mama and daddy. I want to see you happy. I never want you to see the face behind my mask. I want you to think it is the real me.

I will never tell all this to you. Never ever.

I love you !

And I know Some things are better unsaid !!

Your One And Only Daughter !

An Interview Of Self Awareness With My Own Self !

247453_572584826108637_1821527186_nIn a dark room covered with a sheet of sheer silence and stillness, I lie on my bed gazing at the fan on the ceiling. The hammering of my own heart is filling my ears. A thousand thoughts are exploding in my mind like shards of broken glass that are shattering the stillness. My eyes are narrowing to thin slits, full of derision. Every thing seems still outside, but there are extreme explosions happening inside.

Suddenly I felt, there is someone sitting right beside me. A girl like me.¬†Her face was like a barren land on which it hasn’t been raining since long.¬†Or like small rigid stones attached together to make a face. Her hair were¬†Rusty, and out dazzled. Her eyes were bulging out , of dark red color. She was¬†altogether scary, like a witch from a fairy tale.

An icy chill ran up my spine and my blood felt cold to me. Stunned, I felt an¬†urge to scream loud. But I can’t, I was in shock. Th shock induced a faint¬†trembling and I drew a long breath to overcome my fear. I bent my neck slowly¬†towards her face and Asked her¬†“Who are you and Why are you here ? ”

She, after a while, Pulled her face upward and struck her hair behind her¬†ears with her fingers. Blood was coming out of her eyes and there was ¬†something in her eyes that made me scared, Not because of fear, but because of the Misery I ¬†saw in her eyes. She spoke slowly,¬†“Look at my face, into my eyes. Don’t you see Who am I ?”

I slide some closer towards her . As I took a closer look , I was¬†astounded to see her face was my face. Her eyes were my eyes and her hair were¬†my hair. She was me ! How is that possible ? I am sitting right beside my own¬†self ? But I wasn’t in a dream .It was all real. I , the other I, was real¬†too ! I felt cold. I couldn’t feel my hands and feet, and when I opened my¬†mouth to speak no words came, in fact I was not able to make any sound at all.

At last after a while of fight with my own self, I decided to have a conversation with my self. I tried to ask her some questions. Questions which were  always unanswered and I was in eternal search of their answers. I opened my mouth, and an unfamiliar sound came out this time. My voice shattered the silence as I spoke. I started questioning her, Myself, My Reflection.

I: Who Am I ? What is my importance in this world ?

My Reflection: Sometimes in life, we reach a point where every relationship ends.  Only we are left alone with Allah there. Mother, father, brother, sister friend, no one is there. Then we come to know there is no land underneath  our feet and no sky above our head. There is only Allah who is still holding us  in air. Then we come to know we are not worth than a grain in a pile of mud  or a small leaf on a big tree. Then we come to know it makes no difference  to anyone whether we are here or not. The one who get affected, is our self. There is no change in the whole universe, nothing changes . This is me, This is my worth !

I:Why do people think bad of me ?

My reflection: I am a scandalized and stigmatized girl in eyes of everyone. Because People¬†often don’t accept you when you choose the right path. You have to give exam¬†at every point of your life and this is one of the exams.

I:Why can’t I forget the one who is not mine ?

My reflection: I have no control on my heart nor on my tears. It was Allah who gave him  a place in my heart. He put so much love for a human in my heart that  I always pray for him In front of Allah. He made me so miserable.
I am a human and I am made with all the weaknesses which are a characteristic of humans. That human love is standing in my every path. He is not allowing me to go anywhere. I wish Allah make his love vanish from my heart in a way that I
can’t even think of him for the rest of my life or He make my love mine. ¬†I will cry for his love all my life if I don’t get him. I want to make my ¬†tears pure for ¬†Allah. I want to love Allah with all my heart. Make my tears pure.¬†Ease my pain. I wish and I beg !

I: Why didn’t Allah gave me my Love?

My Reflection: If there is no integrity and sincerity in love, You can’t get it. I loved him with all¬†the truth and sincerity. But integrity of one side wasn’t enough to achieve¬†The ultimate truth, Love. May be Allah has to give you His love in exchange of your human Love !

I: What is next to ecstasy ?

My Reflection:”Pain”

I: What is next to pain ?

My Reflection: “Nothingness”

I: What is next to nothingness?

My Reflection: “Hell”

I: What is next to hell?

My Reflection: You are not scared ?

I: Of what?

My Reflection: Of hell? There is nothing next to it. Everything is left ¬†behind .You have faced a time when you understood everything. you have stopped¬†laughing now. you are scared, of death and of hell. You don’t realize ¬†it yet. You are hanging in between pain and nothingness. Try to move back on this path. You don’t want hell, you shouldn’t ! The face behind your fake mask is me. You have chosen the right path, now stick to it. You have all the answers of your questions, You just don’t¬†have the courage to face and fight with the reality. Avoiding despair and hoping ¬†key to success.

Then she brought out a shining pearl out of  her pocket, She called it hope.  She put that pearl slightly in my hand and folded my hand with her fingers. She came close to me, Closer enough and got absorbed in my body . There was silence all over again and My fast breath was trying to shatter it. I found myself covered with heavy sweat and My eyes were wide open. I saw a mask right where she was sitting some time ago. I picked it up and put it on my face.

I was sleeping, again like always. Sleep….That make me forget myself for some time.

I went through the process of self-awareness  and I had a small pearl in my hand. A pearl that seems to be  the solution of every problem ! At least to me !

‚ÄúYour visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.‚ÄĚ

‚Äē¬†C.G. Jung

Note:¬†The answers by ‘My reflection’ were inspired by the famous novel “Peer-e-kamil (PBUH)”¬†By Umera Ahmed. I love this novel and I love it more every time I read it.

A Bad Dream Of Reality

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Strolling in a garden

Full of flowers and green grass

Shining sun and flying butterflies

Humming birds with sparkling eyes

I was spreading my arms

Closing my eyes and starting to dance

And Then

I felt myself suffocating

Eyes started to bleed

The sun with shining rays

Was fading with all its heat

The flowers started turning black

The birds were dying

Losing their feat

The colors turned to black and white

And Transition was complete…..!

I shivered and shivered sitting on my knees

Till someone whispered slowly

This is not the world transforming

You have seen the reflection of inner self

Vague Spot where imagination and absoluteness meets…..

In The Loving Memory Of My Grand Ma

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I am roaming right now way back in my past. About 9 years ago. When I was a little girl and I remember my whole family used to visit my uncle’s house where my Grand Ma lived. We use to be so excited the day we had to go there. My mom used to dress us up nice. And as we entered the house, My aunt and uncle came to the door to welcome us and we ran towards the bed of my Grand ma. She was always waiting for us already. She used to kiss me and my brothers on the forehead. And then used to take out some money from her pocket, very new shinning currency and give it to us. We felt so happy to have it. I sit around my grand ma on her bed all day till we went back.

And I remember once she came at our house to stay for some days. I use to sing some religious words to her and she listened carefully and corrected me where I was wrong. She tried to learn those words from me. And when she went back at uncle’s, I use to say to my mom that I can still hear my Grand ma’ s voice in our house and my mom use to smile at me. I slept with her and she told me stories. I still know the stories by heart. There were two stories one about a girl and one about a couple . She used to tell these stories again and again to me until I sleep.

Then I remember going to her house almost 7 years ago. I was in 9th class and somehow mature than before. I use to sit with her and she asked about things . about my studies, about my fathers relatives. I asked her about her past and she told me she was a kid when they people traveled to our country and settled here at the time of independence. My mom use to tell me she has passed a very hard life but she was so strong. My Grand pa died when my mom was young. And my Grand Ma did everything for her children that she could.

And there was that day when we got a phone call that she is sick and we should gather at my uncle’s. I was sent to school and all my family went there. When they reached she was taking her last breaths. After a minute or two she died. I didn’t even get to see her last time alive. I was at my relatives when my mom called me from there and told me about her death. I was not sensible enough at that time but I loved her so much. I started crying . My dad came and took me to that place where she was lying. I still can see her face in front of my eyes. It was peaceful and quiet. Every one was crying there. My mom was crying so hard and it was hard for me to see her and my Grand ma too at the same time like this. I sat down near her death bed. I touched her face with my finger. I found myself crying loud ….so loud. I cried and cried and I heard some women saying something would happen to her stop her from crying but I never cared or listened. There were tears and pain everywhere. And then they took her away.

I missed her so much. I don’t really remember what happened after we came back home but I remember I use to recite some verses for her and use to pray for her everyday. I don’t really have many childhood memories but the memories with my grand ma are quiet clear.

Sometimes we realize the importance of people when they are gone. Sometimes we lose important people before they can be more important to us in future. I lost my Grand ma so early. There is a place in my heart that has a special respect and love for my grand ma. I always wish to have someone like my Grand ma , so loving and sweet and to with I can take advice and discuss my matters. I always like old people and she was my grand ma. I loved her the most. Good people go back from this world early. She was a lovely person. She was beautiful.Words are not sufficient to describe how valuable she was.

We can’t change fate. We have no control on what is already written. We can just sit around and see what life gives us and what it takes away from us. It took away my grand ma when I needed her the most. Death is the last chapter in time, but the first chapter in eternity.Reality sucks sometimes but there is no other way but to accept it.¬†I can’t forget her love, care and indulgence. I love you Grand Ma and I pray for you here on earth. I hope you are happy and satisfied there.

I love you and I miss you so much and will miss you through the rest of my life…….!

My Emptiness

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Scared of people I hide

At a place aside

With eyes shedding tears

I looked at my hands

And realized

They both were empty

Like I am inside…!

Feeling emptiness everywhere

Convinced my heart, At least I tried !

 

Life Is About Making People Happy

happy-people-jumping

Once some one asked an old man , ” You are so old now, your hair have turned white, but I see you happier than other people. You don’t seem to be unhappy with your life like others. Is it fake ? ”

He replied , ” I have to pass my life, whether laughing or crying. Life would pass if I cry and it would pass if I laugh. If we have to pass our life with our consent then why pass it crying ? ”

It made me think he was right. Life seems complicated to us because we can’t see its inner beauty.

Life is like a walk to the beach Some people go there to search for shells and in the morning . ¬†Right after sun rises they find pearls scattered all over the sand. Some people go there in search of pearls , they sometimes dive deep into the water but they find every shell empty. Life and sea both are too suspenseful. They are not under man’s wishes.

Life is something very strange. It gives things and takes things. It gives rain to the sea but takes water from it to make clouds.  It takes a lot of effort from farmers and gives them crops. It gives water and minerals to a stem and takes flower out of it. It takes a lot of love from the parents for their children and gives parents the wish to see their children according to what parents dream.

Life is full of colors, like a beautiful newly blossomed flower. With all the colors and shine, It pleases the eyes only if eyes want to be pleased. Life is easy for the people who search for happiness in every moment of it. And difficult for people like me, who want to remain in their misery . Who are not willing to get over their pain and step forward to enjoy life. They sit in front of the same closed door , knock and knock again in the hope that it will open some day. They don’t see the door that was opened when the first one was closed. They are blind folded. They get their part of happiness from life after covering a long long journey.

I once read, “Do what you have to do. Don’t do what you wish for or is your desire. You will feel difficulty in doing it at first. But then “what you have to do” will become what you wish to do. This is the source of happiness and peace ”

When a person decides to start the journey of life, he always chooses the easiest path. He never plans to go higher so that he may be scared to come back down. He just starts his journey. The one who don’t fights with life, gets his destination very easily.

Life is easy if we don’t poke into others matters and if we engage our minds in thinking about ourselves and not other people. If we don’t point out other people’s bad habits and attitudes and just concentrate in making our habits and attitudes good. If we don’t talk about people in their backs. If we don’t gossip about what other people are doing and saying. Life is about pleasing people . Once the people are happy with you , you will be happy automatically. Although making people is very difficult but we can at least try.That is why keeping silent is said to be the best way to avoid problems in your life. Make you inner self good, your outer self will become good automatically.

Life is beautiful if we know howto extract its beautiful-ness out of it ! Do small pretty things for the people around you. Prepare some recipe  for your mom. Text a friend and tell them how they mean to you so much. Buy a card , write some sweet things on it and put it in your fathers room. Buy a small everyday use gift for your brothers. Give the dress or something from your make up to your sister which she likes the most and hug her. Kiss your daughter and tell her You Love her. Do sweet things to people like listening to their problems and suggest possible solutions to them. Care for them, when they are sick and they need you. Take some time out from your life may be at weekends and help a poor child study. While going shopping, give some money to the poor children . Try to make people around you happy. Stop caring about yourself only !

Thinking bad about people, making Conspiracies about them, Making them feel bad with your words and realizing them their mistakes, ¬†causing troubles for them indirectly and doing things which helps you but cause problems to people make life ugly . Every one has problems in one’s life. But no one faces problems more than he can carry . Overcoming the pain and extracting happiness out of life is the real task !

True Happiness :)

True Happiness ūüôā

Be happy and make people around you happy. This is message of the day.

I strongly condemn the killings of Innocent people and children in any part of the whole world !!

“I Love you mama ! ”

“Oh I Love you too my son ! ”

“Now go to school, I will make something special for you to eat today ! Have you taken your lunch box with you ? ”

“Yes Mom ! ”

She kissed her forehead and he ran away towards his school.

She was busy all day in doing things for him. She waited and waited but he never got back home.

“It is being so late, what happened ? Why is he not back yet ? ” She questioned herself.

Suddenly the door bell rang. She hasted towards the door and opened it hoping to see the face of her son. But there was a man standing there.

” There was a drone attack at the elementary school where your son studies. Go search for him.” He said

He was mentioning some other details but she was not listening. Her vision got blur and she was shocked for a moment. It felt like someone has pushed a knife through her heart. She screamed at once, started running towards the school. Without covering her head and her feet she was running. She felt that way is never going to end.

Here she was, at the place where there use to be a school. A school where her son use to study everyday. Dashed to the ground , destroyed, destructed . Looked like there never happens to be any building before. She was screaming , she was running here and there to find her son, she was asking for help .

Then at last she saw her beloved, apple of her eyes, Her son. Laying down on a pile of mud and cement, wounded, covered in blood. She felt her soul leaving her body slowly. She came near him, scared, terrified, shocked, frightened, abashed, anxious, rattled, no words can describe her state.

He was dead already. Many innocent angels were killed in this Drone Attack in Afghanistan. (more…)

Late Night Thoughts !

Dark Beautiful Night

Dark Beautiful Night

Standing along the hall way on the second floor in front of my room. It is dark out there. ¬†With the cool breeze passing by me, I look ¬†towards the sky. How can it be so calm and silent ? I question ¬†myself and suddenly burst into tears ! With my lips folded , I am trying to hold back my tears but I can’t. I sat down along the pillar. With tears falling all over my cheeks I started thinking why am I crying. A lot of questions came into my mind and more tears came out. I can hear the echo of questions more clearly now.

I once showed my hand to a girl who knew watching hands with a promise not to tell about my future but just present. She said your mind thinks in so various dimensions at a time. Also you are very sensitive. I feel both things true right now. There are many things going on in my mind. I don’t even decide about which to think of in detail. I just want to know the answers. Why am I not so calm and quiet like this sky, like this night. I am the same dark from inside like this night is and I hide many secrets inside me like this night does.Then why can’t I find peace like this night has in it ?

I just wipe of my tears brutally with my hands and started thinking over again. What am I ? Who am I ? What am I supposed to be ? What should I do ? I am running out of answers. Why do my heart always pinches me inside whenever I see or read something I wished in the past ? Is that wish still inside my heart making me helpless and weak ? I don’t know.

How would I live with the things I never wished about but know they would be a part of my life soon ? Am I that brave ? I guess not. There is fear, there is pain and there is misery. Yes I am scared of my future. I am scared of revelation of my inner self to people who care about me. My mask of happiness is bruised now. It is breaking and I can’t help it.

Is hope an answer to that ? Have I lost hope or Still have it somewhere hidden in my heart ? I can’t think of it. I don’t know it. I am closing my eyes I can’t see my self destroying. It hurts !! It hurts a lot! I wonder why everything seems so deep at night like I feel myself ?

I see people around me with laughter and smiles , playing around with their life and having fun. Then why do I always feel the need to cry ? I want to cry hard right now, I want to scream . I want to take out all the tears and worries and pain inside me all at once. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to console me. to listen to me whatever meaningless things I say. To be with me whatever I say not to leave me alone. And I have no one. I forgot I was like this night, It is alone too.  It can see my real face , it looks right into my eyes and never judges me.

What was the reason I was sent to this earth? What was the reason I was given those great parents and loving family? What was the reason I got all the people in my life I have now ? What was the reason I got the Love Of God by means of Love of human ? Why am I still hanging in between the God’s Love and Human’s love at a time ? No Answers….. My heart is shedding tears silently and my mind is not responding. Probably it has no answers left. No words to say anything that will calm me down.

I wonder why is my vision getting so blur. Why ca’t I see things clearly ? I want to see the depth of this ¬†beautiful night. Everything become so intense and true at night. I want to ask a few things to it. May be it answers ! Resist, Resist and resist ! That is what I do all the time. I resist to express my feelings. I resist to open up. I resist to get things I like. I resist to do things I want. This resistance was an answer to my worries by my True Love. He said if you resist here in this world, you will get everything in the next one and the next one is far more long and good then this one. I am acting upon it ! It seems hard sometimes but I try my best. He said don’t do things which I don’t like and I try not to do them He said you will succeed if you do what I tell you in my book. I try to follow everything. He says you will find peace if you will come to me five times a day. I do it, but I don’t find peace. I want to know the answer, why ? Why am I still empty handed ?

I know these questions would keep biting me inside until I would be eaten and destroyed completely. I hope My True Love give me answers to these. I want to be with Him. I want to get Him. I love when He talks to me and show me signs. Hope is a single way for me now. Hope brings happiness and hope is the answer, ambiguous but that’s all I have. As Einstein says, ¬†¬†“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

I just saw clouds floating on the sky. They look beautiful. Darkness is getting lighter slowly. I stood up , walk with tired steps towards my bed. Here I sleep , again with headache spreading all over my head and tears making my pillow wet. Another night passed, Hoping for a bright morning to come!

Hope For A Beautiful Morning

Hope For A Bright Morning

“Go With The Flow” VS “The Positive Theory”

I was once talking to a friend. He told me a story.

He said I was once sitting with a friend and He asked me how is everything going ?

And I replied ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ” Just going with the flow”.

He then replied ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†¬† ” Only dead straws go with the flow”

That was thought provoking. I use to apply the same theory to my life. Whenever my heart pinches me, I don’t want this to happen to you. I used to tap it gently and said ‘”just go with the flow”.

Whenever there was some problem in my life, I used to say to myself ¬†“just go with the flow”.

Whenever I feel depressed and broken and find no way out, I wanted things to get normal again, I put my head down and remind myself of “just go with the flow” thing.

Now I feel I was dead from inside and I never tried to wake up myself. my mind and heart were dead. And i had accepted that death of them I was living with dead inner self.

But now, at the age of almost 22, I feel it wrong. I was wrong in thinking about my future. I was wrong in thinking about what will happen to me next and why. I used to think whatever happens to me, I deserved it ! It was due to what I did in the past. But I was being negative !! I was hopeless !!

I noticed one of my friends. I have seen her being negative about so many things but she never thought negative about her future. She always says something good will happen to me, she never felt hopeless like me. Even she use to dream really big about her future life. And I have seen her every wish coming true. Even I feel it like a miracle. We use to make fun of her like she has a losers approach or something. She always said she don’t try but she wishes , and her wishes comes true. Trying with wishing will make it even better I guess !!

I have noticed so many people who apply just go with the flow theory in their life and do nothing , wish nothing and pray nothing for it. On the other hand, people doing nothing but thinking positive got success!

Once I read about the positive energy. They say whenever you think something about anything very much, It will eventually come to you. Like when you will think positively, all the positive energies of universe will collectively start trying to get that thing to you … and eventually that will come to you. And this is true. The same happens when you think negative about something. Our mind emits positive and negative rays as we think and these rays eventually become a cause to get that thing for us. There is some science involved in it. As many secrets of universe are yet to be revealed, it may be one of them.

(more…)

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