The Black Rose

Black-Rose

Under the shadows of savage life , deep inside the dark forest.

A black rose possessed its tragic existence.

It was out cast and unwanted despite all its fragrance and radiance , It never fits in the relinquishing blooms.

It was cultivating loneliness in the presence of the whole forest and hence loneliness was out-grown !

It was growing thorns since the beginning as it always knew the one who dares not grasp the thorn should never crave the rose….

No one watered it, It nourished on its own till its ravishing bloom appeared…..It was always taken ‘For Granted’ and it bestowed an ancient confidence.

And one day it started burning but no one had time to grieve over it because they were busy admiring the forest…

All it ever wanted was to reach out and touch the hearts of other roses…. It wanted some Love but it forgot that all great and precious things are always lonely in the forest.

Its eyes were glued on life and they were full of tears…. It bled tears and its petals absorbed them silently…. It never gave a plaintive cry but its silence was deafening !

Slowly with the prolonged grief, the petals became pale. Autumn prevailed over it…in spring !

And then ‘Black’ was gone… All that was left was pinching thorns and pale stems. It followed the quickest path of self-destruction that was to push away all the loved ones, all the wishes.

The descent stripped it bare and left it as it was at its core, It was painful… It was abashed, ruined.

Black was gone… The beauty was gone…. The lustrous shine was turned to painful sighs…

The Black Rose was a part of the forest now !

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I have been busy these days in final presentation and stuff. I will reply to your comments as soon as I get free. I hope you will not mind and stay with me . Wish me luck. Thanks !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I Am Getting Married.

Yes I am getting married. It took me 1 and a half YEAR to realize this single reality…I am getting married.

Though the things beyond this fact are blur. Getting married to whom ? What do I feel ? Why I am doing this ? Why is all this happening ? Everything is blur.

I am going to be a computer scientist in another month. I Love my field now . I got the highest grades and GPA In my class. I am a so called intelligent student in the eyes of teachers. And yet….I am getting married. Just after the completion of my studies.

People say me to be optimistic about my future ! Can I ? Yes I know I should………..!!

The one I wished to pass all my life with….saw all my future dreams with….planned my future with…..is lost in the fog of time and fate !

The one I am going to have a future with….. I never thought about him….I have no feelings , an empty heart for him. This is the future I have to look up to !

I don’t know If I won’t be getting married , I would be doing any job or studying further , My life would be better in Future.

I don’t know either my life would be good with all that seems obvious. I don;t know anything. I am confused.

It took me 1 and a half year to realize the fact that I am getting married. I don’t know how much time I would take to accept the person of my fate.

My Allah and then my parents chose him for me…..and I accepted their wish…with my eyes closed. I couldn’t kill the happiness of my parents . I never gave them any happiness except this one. I am not selfish.

That was the time I stopped wishing for myself. Its hard when you get wounds all over your soul….by the broken pieces of your dreams….and you find no remedy…..no cure.

I have made room for pain in my heart. I know I have to live with what I am given I know I have to accept and I have to Move on !!

It is a difficult task.

Anyway…… I am getting married on 15th February 2014 and You all are Invited.

 

There should be some caring people to give me their shoulder. After all I need four of them. After all ‘Red’ color is getting ‘white’ for me. After all my marriage may be my funeral.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be With Me O Merciful !

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When life is at pause, when time stops and when the trees and birds are still

When my eyes stare at a point in the air , the point that is abstract that is nil

When my body turns into exquisite glass, the vessel through which vision can pass

When a warm stroke of pain emerge from heart and spreads in all the body very fast

When it starts flowing in my blood and with my breath It spreads profusely at last

When it penetrates in every inch of the flesh , Every part whether brain or heart

When my body screams out loud when my heart beats rowdy in my chest

This is the time when a pleasure , a bliss arise and spreads in my body at rest

I become tranced I feel the felicity and solace cascading in my blood

I cry but my heart is stunned in the fun, In the pleasure of this pain’s flood

When I never ask for the pain to stop, when I want it more and more

When the vessel and soul’s desires are opposite, no longer do they adore

Outside; Tears , shiver and pain , Inside; Pleasure , amusement and gain

When I calmly start feeling ‘Him’ Inside myself, while effaced is the pain

When ‘His’ Love then percolates through my blood my soul and my mind

When I feel ‘Him’ closer to the vein in my neck, My breath says ‘He’ is divine

When the vessel made of glass dances with the dance of soul

Dances in the shadow of ‘His’ light, ‘He’ is the partner ‘He’ is the whole

When my mind is stuck on the thought to talk , to see and to Meet ‘Him’

When I forget myself and ‘He’ is left as my world and as my self esteem

I bow and I cry , I become your servant I am the one who needs to find

Be with me O Merciful ! Be with me O My Lord ! Be with me O Kind !

I Miss You Today !

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Zoomed-in Human Eye

In my eyes , in the form of tears, you come

Slide your hands through my cheeks , glum

Gather on my neck , kissing it, make me frozen !

 

I dive into the past , those moments pleasant

The few days passed with you, make them my present

See them through my eyes, smile with contentment

 

Then I see the future, my life with open eyes

I get scared , I shiver, a wave of pain arise

It seems empty , hollow and barren without you inside

 

I miss you today, as today can be the last

To miss you or to talk about ‘our’ past

As I am losing that ‘tiny’ right on you today, alas !

 

Eyes are so beautiful , so why they do the hardest task

Of seeing through time, of becoming windows for the pain vast

Of becoming the mirror for the feelings in heart’s glass

 

The bright colors of eyes are insufficient for me to see you

I adore you, be with you and In my heart I see you

I love you and no beauty of eye is required for me to love you

 

This day is the day of pain, the day of finally getting realization

As I hang , between ‘Him’ and you through time of coadunation

You don’t belong to me, why there is still this strong connection ?

 

Memories of The past and The present have jumped on me

Eating my flesh, taking away my strength, they stabbed me

Alone, powerless and hopeless here in the dark they just left me…

 

And like every time I just realized, Missing him wasn’t a good idea !! The lines above may be absurd to you, As ‘myself’ is for me. But this was all I had. Sometimes words are not sufficient to describe what you feel. In fact they are not sufficient at all.

 

 

 

 

May Be I Am Thinking Too Much !

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I have no memories of my childhood with my parents. Every time I sit back and start thinking , How I use to be with my parents, what were the things I did with them, anything ? There comes nothing ! Except the things told by other people and my parents. They tell me I was so adorable and everyone who see me wants to hold me … There are pictures of me when I was 2 or 3 years old and then there is a complete blank without any pictures till I was 14 or 15. May be my parents lost their camera in my childhood.

I have some memories of this time period in school and with my friends. I remember every friend I had during it. I remember how we use to play , how we use to chat with each other and how we use to spend the recess time during school.

I remember I use to make houses with dry mud ! I was expert in it back then. All my friends use to gather around me sitting in the mud with clean white uniforms and we had no fear of ‘how we look’ to the people back then. They use to gather accessories for the house I was making. Some leaves , some yellow fur like thing and some beads like things from the trees and some colorful wrappers ! Till then I make a pile of dry mud and through it , I use to make the first floor and plain it with my hands. So perfect like we plain the surface of Cake with cream while making it . Then the second floor and some times the third floor. Then comes the turn of accessories and I use to decorate it like I am doing a task that would change my life, so keenly. When it was done, my friends use to clap for me .

May be back then I had a thought embedded in my mind , of my future. May be back then I knew I won’t have a chance to make the home of my choice and decorate it . May be I knew I would be forced to live in a home that would be never a home for me. So I already fulfilled all my wishes for a home with mud and tree accessories !

I remember I was the best in every game we use to play . I ran faster than each of my friend and won every single race back then. We use to play doge-the-ball , hide-and-seek, catch-me and many other games and I always use to win. My friends use to fight with each other to become my partner in any game. I was the one they look up to when deciding what game we will play and for resolving the fights.

May be back then I knew I would lose at every single step in my real life. So I won everything already back then. I already felt the pleasure of winning. I never realized life is not a game. We can win games but even the best player loses in his life !

I had a special pattern regarding my studies. I noticed it when I was 15. I stood first in class for the first , second and third years. Then I was an average or you can say below average in fourth, fifth and sixth years. Then again I topped my class in the seventh , eighth and ninth years. Tenth year was a disaster ! It was the year I started getting spoiled . Followed by the first two years of college. Making again the three years. Now in university I have passed four years and they were remarkably good. I would never be able to understand this cycle related to my studies. I want to know though.

I Guess I need a psychiatrist. May be he could give me answers I want to know. But I know I would never be able to ask anyone .

Three weeks back when I was in my home and it was the last day there. I had to come back here in hostel the next day. I was laying down with all my family. My dad, mom, and the brothers. We were chatting and then my dad started recalling his past. The things I heard were shocking !

He told us that he always felt alone back then even with his parents and siblings around. He said there is a hollowness inside him that was never filled even by his daughter and sons and wife ! He said when he was 15 he felt this hollowness so much that he started saying that his parents are not real and he is adopted that is why he feels like this. When his parents , my grandfather asked him why he is saying all this. He said you should know the answer. You are my parents and you are behind everything I feel since the childhood. My mom then told me that my father had a diary that was filled till the end with poetry. All sad poetry with the same topics , loneliness and sadness.

Tears were falling down from my eyes and absorbing in the pillow as I was hearing this. But it was dark so no one could see them. I was shocked and hurt at the same time while knowing this. These were the same feelings all he described that I use to feel all my life. The same pattern. the same hollowness the same pain. He dared asking his parents why is he like this. I never had courage to ask them . I have seen Him the same close to Allah like I am. No one other can feel him the way I can. I can’t put it into words but his life seems to me same like mine.

I would never gather enough courage to ask him the same questions he asked his parents. I know how much he would be hurt , knowing that he had to give all the answers he searched for all his life. Knowing that his little girl has grown up, and she feels the same as he did all his life. I can feel his pain…

I kept thinking all night, Are feelings and emotions genetic ? Is pain genetic ? Are sufferings and the after effects of the sufferings genetic ? Is the way of thinking genetic ? Is it possible that the way my father use to fight with himself it was genetically passed on to me ?

I wondered and there was no answer. May be this condition has some name and it has been proved to be a genetic thing by science. May be not.

May be I am thinking too much.

A Rhyme of Heaven and ‘Him’

 

paradise-waterfall-wallpaper-1440-900-6540 Lakes Of Chocolate and Milk

 Ponds Of Wine Pure

 Lustrous Clothes Of Silk

 Diamonds On Trees To Adore

 

 

 

birds-wallpaper-in-rain-5                 Bird’s Melodious tweet

Wind’s music along

Rain drops as beats

Make a symphonic song

 

 

 

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Fresh soft Flower petals shire

Natural beauty of fawn

No unfulfilled desire

Peace holds, worries gone

 

 

 

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Artistic Comfortable Homes

Partners of your choice

All Luxuries Known

Contented , peaceful life

 

 

 

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No Hatred No Frowns

For the people fellow

Each bad feeling gone

Harshness turned Mellow

 

 

 

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The ever-awaited Paradise

A choice of entire

A pleasant sublime surprise

A PERFECT Life prior

 

 

 

 

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Why don’t my heart feel

Tempting enough to get

Why hard enough to deal

Complexity of my mind-set

 

 

 

 

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Why do I just need

‘His’ companionship forever

A sight of ‘Him’ , plead

‘He’ , whatsoever !

 

 

 

 

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‘His’ calm lap to sit safely

‘His’ shoulder to cry on

‘His’ feet to sleep like baby

‘His’ service till the life gone

 

 

 

 

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The passionate Love

Sentiments stoutly fixed

The eternal Gratitude

Divine emotions mixed

 

 

 

 

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Never mean to disrespect

My Love Divine

Every inch of my heart wet

For the Love to be mine

 

 

 

 

 

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Waiting for your silence to break

For illumination of my inner sun

Take my heaven make me slave

I bow , I beg , Please don’t shun

 

 

 

 

 

The Fairy Tale Of My Life…..

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This time the sparkling transparent rain drops….. like the pearls on ocean……Have turned me to Rapunzel…..

Beautiful she was….with her long beautiful gleaming hair and big glowing eyes……

But she was a prisoner……She was allowed to see the beauty of the world through a window…but she can’t feel it…..She knew the world is not for her….

At the moment standing here in my window……Listening to the melody of heavy rain falling on plants and trees outside….feeling the chilly wind on my skin…..and looking at the vast beautiful world outside…… I feel like Rapunzel……

There is greenery everywhere…. Colorful flowers, green fresh grass, beautiful plants with shining leaves, chilled fresh breeze, blue sky and rain…….. The world is so beautiful…..

I want to dance…..in the water standing in grass…….I want to dance madly….

I want to spread my arms and look above closing my eyes…..I want to dance in rain……

I want to feel the breeze going through me….Making my soul fresh and clean……While the Rain drops take away all my dirt……

But I can just stand here and dream….. This beautiful world is so fancy….and yet so artificial to me….. Like a fairy tale….Of Rapunzel….

I can stare at happiness but I know it is not for me…..I can gaze at the beauty….but I know it does not belong to me……

I can’t just step forward and do what I dream of….I am a prisoner…..Like Rapunzel….

Is life so beautiful like the world….. Or this all is a fairy tale…. Soon the rain will stop and the world will get back to normal….with all its imperfections…..

Iqbal Says :

 “Destroy whatever does not suit you.

Create a new world out of your own self.

A free man feels unhappy.

To live in a world of others.”

Is it really possible…..Why thinking of this theory causes an inner happiness……A new world….Of my choice……Beautiful….

We should learn to live the moment to its best……But I am not able to learn it yet……Is life a mere continuity of breaths or something more ?

Rapunzel was a princess…..She was in a fairy tale…That is why she got her price and lived ‘Happily Ever After’…….

There is no Happily Ever After in real life……

She didn’t see her prince fading away with someone else in this beautiful world…….

She didn’t felt the ugliness of life…..I ceased to be in an eternal paradise like her….Where there is neither a pang of love, nor yearnings nor a sympathizer.

Fairy tales are ‘overrated’……We are what we experience…..I chose thorns instead of flowers…..Now I stand here and desperation to go out is justified…..

“You lack the lamentation of a nightingale

Because you are bereft of a burning soul in your body;

In the garden where plucking of flowers is not prohibited,

You have not wounded yourself by the pointed thorns.”

— Iqbal

I stand here and yet I am not here….I am dancing in the rain…..Hair flying freely with the wind…..Closed eyes thinking of Him…..I am His Co-worker…..And I sing…….

“Thou created the night, I the lamp;

Thou created the clay, I the vase !

Thou created the jungle, mountains and deserts,

I created gardens, orchards and flower plots!

It is I who make glass out of stone,

It is I who extract elixir out of poison.”

— Iqbal

And yet the journey begins…………The eternal search……Search of divine………..The conquest of time and space…….

We feel we will die when we are thirsty…..And yet we are indulged in other things when we get water….We don’t even remember our thirst could have killed us…… No one dies of thirst….. Death comes on time and according to His wish….. So Many things in this mortal world become our thirst that we have to die a thousand times before our death……

[In urdu]                               Meri Zindagi tou firaaq hai, woh azal se dil main makeen sahi

Wo nigah’e_shauq se door hain, rag’e_jaan se lakh qareen sahi

Hamein jaan dainee hai aik din, wo kisi tarah wo kahin sahi

Hamein aap khainchiye daar par, jo nahi koi tu hameen sahi

Sar_e_toor ho sar_e_hasher ho, hamein intizaar qubool hai

Wo kabhi milein, wo kahin milein, wo kabhi sahi, wo kahin sahi

Na ho un pe kuch mera bass nahi, k ye aashqi hai hawas nahi

Mai unhi ka tha, mai unhi ka hoon, wo mere nahi tu nahi sahi

Mujhe bhaithne ki jaga milay, meri aarzoo ka bharam rahay

Teri anjuman mein agar nahi,teri anjuman k qareen sahi

tera dar tau hum ko na mil saka, teri rahguzar ki zameen sahi

hamain sajda karne se kaam hai, jo wahan nahin tau yahin sahi

meri zindagi ka naseeb hai nahin door mujh se qareeb hai

mujhay uska ghum tau naseeb hai wo agar nahin tau nahin sahih

jo ho faisala wo sunaaiye usay hashr pe na uthaiye

jo karain gay app sitam wahan wo abhi sahi wo yehin sahi

Use dekhne ki jo low lagi tu Naseer dekh hi lain gey hum

Wo hazaar aankh se door ho, wo hazaar pardah nasheen sahi

— Naseer-ud-din Shah

‘Heartache’

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Caustic heavy heart beat drumming in ears

The very choking breath full of fears

The restlessness, hopelessness, pain arise

Rubbing hands, Hollowness, tears in eyes

 

The severe agony thinking about the future

The regrets while peeking into the past

Eating my heart like beetles eat wood

Not letting me do, what I should !

 

The wish to have a wound on my body

The urge to scratch it hard with nails

That pain would kill the pain in heart

The blood would cause the heartache frail

Stepping singly on the graves of wishes

Each one arises and cause acute affliction

Somewhere deep down a part of heart itches

Takes me back to the endless expedition

The questions bubble into my mind

Like the sky with soft white clouds aligned

Am I bipolar , mystic , schizophrenic , wacky brain ?

Or I am just having the ‘Heartache’ again.

“Guilty As Charged”

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I am a prisoner.

I am a prisoner of my own self.

I did a crime and ended up in this prison.

You know , what was the crime ?

I saw Dreams !

Dreams of a “happy” and “contented” Life

Dreams of “peace” and “Love”

Dreams of “calm” and “blessed” Me !

And these Dreams were a crime

That Day

I cried, I screamed, I begged

What is my fault ?

They said, The same

You saw dreams

You expected for a beautiful Life

You hoped for happiness

You did wrong !

You knew the rules

Expectations always hurt

Dreams always break

Love always hurt

But still, you did the crime

Now this is your punishment

You have to live

In a prison of your own self !

You will Die every day

But there will be no one to cry on your death

You will burn in your own fire

But there will be no one to put it off

You will hurt your feet everyday

Walking on the broken pieces of your dreams

But there will be no one to protect you

You are forever alone

You are forever a prisoner

This is your punishment.

Till that day

I cry out loud, I scream

I ask them, was my fault so big ?

Do I deserve this suffering ?

Every time they say the same

Yes, because you saw Dreams !

My feet are bleeding

By walking on the broken shards

My body is tired

Walking on these paths

I am hollow , I am dead inside

I see my dreams coming true in someone other’s life

And I cry, I screech with pain

But there is no one there for me

No one to feel my pain, No one to see my tears

Why Me ? Why my life ?

Because I saw dreams……………

I am tired

I am exasperated

I have started realizing now

Yes this was my fault

I saw dreams

I did a crime

And I am “guilty As Charged”

 

 

 

The One Night When A Miracle Happened !

The Calm After A Storm

The Calm After A Storm

She was angry with Him for several days , She recalled.  They were not talking for some days. The occasional phone calls they used to do everyday for some minutes were aborted.

She was feeling something inside her that day. She couldn’t recognize what it was. It was chasm, exhaustion,anxiety or what it was ? She was not sure. She was looking at the phone repeatedly with a gap of some moments. The feeling was in-suppressible. She couldn’t move her eyes off the phone. Her hand moved towards it for a moment and then reverts back. She wasn’t sure whether to call him or not. She was restless and distressed but she couldn’t tell him . She recalled, She was angry with him !

At the evening she found her self  irresistible. She never felt that intense feeling before ever. She wanted to tell him about what she was feeling. She picked up her phone and dialed his number. She could hear the noise of her heart hammering hard in her ears. She was making up words in her mind to talk to him. The bell rang, twice, thrice and the phone was picked up from the other side !

As she tried to speak, She heard harsh loud noise coming from the other side of phone. She couldn’t figure out what it was.She tried to speak but random words came out of her mouth. Then she heard his feeble trembling voice echoing into her mind I just met with an accident a minute ago He was crying loud with pain and she was hearing it. She tried to speak but nothing came out of her mouth. He hung up. This all happened in such an instance.

She recalled she was angry with him ! She recalled he told her, he had to go to the next city in his car to pick up his brother today. She recalled he use to drive rash and she always kept advising him to drive slow. She recalled  he was everything to her. He was her love, her life, her soul. He was everything ! She recalled, she starts crying every time she saw him crying . She thought…….He is in pain right now…..Extreme pain.

She couldn’t breathe. she was suffocating. She felt like someone is pressing her neck with both hands.

Where is he now ? How is he ? Did anyone came to help him ? Is he bleeding ? He will be bleeding . His blood…. There would be a lot of blood. Is he alright ? How is he ? He must be in pain ….. What should I do ? What can I do ? I don’t know where He is. I should call some one to ask him to go help him. To whom should I call ? No one knows about us. I should go there . How can I ? I……I am helpless……. A lot of questions and answers were exploding in her mind. Her mind was not accepting what she just heard. He must be joking…..But the pain in his voice ?

She felt, she is going to die. She dialed his number again. Her hands were shivering this time. He accepted the call but she realized he didn’t took the phone to his mouth. Their were noises, there were people asking him about his name and his father’s name. He was crying , screaming with pain. She felt the misery in his voice when he was saying his father’s name. She felt her heart bursting out. Her nails were pinned into her own hands in her fist. She was trying to absorb the pain but it was increasing with his screams. Her lips were under her teeth , pressed forcefully. She was in extreme pain. She felt the same pain he may be feeling right now. She called his name loudly but there was no response. The call was cut off again.

She remembered, recently she heard about so many of her relatives died in car accidents. She hated herself for thinking about that but couldn’t help it. She got up off her bed and started walking in the room, crying hard. She found herself screaming out loud. The walls of her room were trying to absorb her voice but they failed. She screamed for some time and then she felt herself tired. She was still crying. Her eyes were red , bulged out and nose was swelled. She was rubbing her hands again and again restlessly. Her one leg was moving speedily as if she is trying to calm her down but she wasn’t succeeding.

She recalled she was angry with him !

She looked again at the phone in her hands. This phone is the only source connecting me with him ? She thought. More warm big tears came out of her eyes and fell on the phone. What should I do ? He is in pain……He is in extreme pain….and I….. I am sitting here…..I can’t be with him right now…..I can’t see him right now……I can’t do anything for him……..She started crying more loudly. She was holding her hair hard in her fists. He is in pain………He could die ? No I won’t let him die……I won’t.

She wiped her tears brutally off her face and started praying to God. The One God who placed him in her heart. Who gave her the Love of human. The one God who caused this problem and He is the Only one who can solve it, She thought. She started praying. Prayer after prayer every prayer with a purpose of saving his life. She asked Him in the name of His book, His Prophet, to save his life. She bowed in front of Him . She was crying loud. Please save him. Please lessen his pain. Please take away his pain. Please help him finding doctor. Please protect him. She was begging , she was begging.

I need a Miracle. She found herself saying this. I want a Miracle. You do Miracles for your men. Today I need it. You have created me and you are responsible for my every suffering. I have never asked you anything forcefully. I always wanted your consent. I am asking today. forcefully , not to harm him. I beg you, I need a Miracle. I will be Thankful to you all my life. Take my life and give it to him.She begged and begged. She couldn’t find more words but she was begging with the same words again and again.

This was the night she realized, How much this person means to her. She realized she could live without him if she see him healthy and contented but She can’t see him dying. She realized she want to see him happy and peaceful. She realized how important he was to her. She realized, how obstructed she is. She realized How hard her hands are tied and she realized, she was not worth than a grain of sand !

She was scared of Him. Very much scared. How powerful He was, What couldn’t  He do ?  How merciful He was, What didn’t He do ? He knew how to keep human, a human . With anger or with mercy, He knows how to keeps human in his limits !

She traveled a long journey of ecstasy towards pain in this short night.  She traveled from complication to perception. She was chosen to see the real face of life. She was chosen to know the hidden ugly secrets. The truth was revealed to her in one night. Her importance was made clear to her in one night. Her capability was clear. Pain, anxiety,agony, discomfort, misery,convulsion, distress, affliction,hurt…………. what feeling was left for her to go through. She was entering into a new phase of life with a new meaning of it. She couldn’t think. Her thinking capability was  fading because of crying hard for a long time. She realized its been three hours she is crying.

She started walking again in her room. She felt her mind and body convulsed. She sat in a corner of the room , contracting herself. Her eyes were centered onto a virtual point, gazing. She was scared of the future. She was scared what is going to happen. She was afraid, She was frightened to the extent. She found herself dialing the number again. He picked up this time, He spoke. She was burst into tears and she started crying again. She asked Him while crying How he was. He said,I am fine now and I am in a hospital. I will call you when I will reach home I can’t talk right now . Don’t worry.”

These were not words she just heard. She heard the call of peace and happiness. She heard the flowers blossoming . She heard the cool wind whispering. She heard all the loveliest sounds of the world , altogether. She found herself bowing on the ground where she was sitting a second ago. She found herself shedding tears again, but this time the tears were of joy, of happiness and of thankfulness. She kept in that state for several minutes Thanking Her God what He did for Her. She was Thankful , He made her His slave, for the rest of her life.

She asked for a Miracle, And It happened !

After some hours She received a call from him. He told her all about the accident. He told her She was the first one to call him, at the moment he met the accident. He asked her , How did you came to know about this?  She had no answer but tears in her eyes.

He broke a bone near his neck. Had some scratches on the knee and some other body parts but he was safe. The car was destroyed badly. No body was believing he survived after such a bad accident. Doctor advised him to take complete bed rest and some medicines. She was talking to him. She had no words to tell him what she went through in the past hours. She was trying to upraise him, cheer him up. You will be fine soon. He was crying and she was not. She was consoling him . There were tears in her eyes but she wasn’t losing hope. She was feeling extreme love for him right now in her heart . She felt an urge to hug him. He was under the influence of medicines so he slept while talking to her.

She was listening to his breath. She realized how important his running breath was to her. Her heart was filled with tears and they were coming out of her eyes but there was peace. She looked at the sky out of the window. Night was passed , the sun was coming out.

There was silence and calm, like the calm after a big storm passes.

She recalled she was angry with him. Was she ?

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*This story may seem like a fiction to you but it is true. It is my Story. Each and Every word of it is true. I was not comfortable writing it with ‘I’ so I wrote it with ‘she’. I have re-lived the same moments today as I was writing this story, that I lived then. I am feeling so tired after writing it……Replaying my life makes me tired. I hope I have done justice with it 🙂

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A Letter That Is Never To Be Posted !

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Dear Mama And Daddy !

First of all I Love you and so very much !

No I am not fine as I always say when you ask me how are you ? I want to tell you some things… Some things That you don’t know and you can’t even imagine of.

Do you know what is my biggest wish of my life ? Let me tell you today.

My biggest wish is that I make you proud one day. You get a lot of happiness or reward because of me, someday. I don’t have any wish regarding myself. I use to fantasize in my free time that I have done something big and every one is admiring you both because of me and you have that shine in your eyes, which comes in every parents eyes when they feel proud of their child. I want to see that shine in your eyes ! I want to make you feel proud ! I have always let you down. I never did anything for you in my whole life , At least this is what you know ! I feel this from the depth of my heart. This is the strongest desire I feel when ever I think of my life.

I am a sensitive and touchy girl. You don’t know this till now. It all started when I was young I don’t exactly remember my age. And mama, you were sitting with all my brothers and you all made fun of me for some thing. I ran away to my room and fell on my bed and cried and cried but no one came to express sympathy with me. I felt so bad. I was young, I didn’t realized what is happening but I felt neglected.

Then It started happening more often. You say words to make fun of me in a funny way but instead they hurt me. I started feeling pain when I was so young but back then, I couldn’t name it. I cried lying on my bed every time this happened but you never consoled me . A wish started sprouting in my heart that you come to console me, wipe away my tears and upraise me but you never did. You never felt what I use to go through.

I was a good student at first and you somehow felt proud of me till 9th grade. Then a disaster happened to me and I failed your expectations. I failed you badly in 10th grade and in my college. You never bothered to ask me what happened to you ? You used to be a brilliant student what is the matter with you ? You used to be so happy why don’t you seem happy now? Did something happen ? No. Instead , on knowing about the matter you behaved so rudely I can’t even think of that time now. It makes me cry ! That was the most ugliest time of my life and there was no one to tell me what is right and what is wrong. There was no one to listen, and when I found someone who listened to me I followed the wrong path even without seeing that face ever in my life. It was just a voice to me, But you behaved like I have done something so bad. I needed you at that time but you beat me hard with your words. I felt alone. I started receding away from you.

Dear mama,

Do you know what I use to think when I miss you ? That I am lying with my head in you lap and you are running your fingers across my hair. And talking to me. I felt so loved in my dreams thinking of that. I am your only daughter but you never did it. I don’t have courage to tell you that. I wish that I lie with my head in your lap one day and you kiss on my forehead . And you tell me how much you love me and you are here no matter what happens. Tell everything to me like your friend. I am your friend. But I don’t see that happening ever.

Dear daddy,

I use to think of you too in the same way. I wish someday you hug me and kiss my forehead. You express your indulgence . You pass your hand through my head with love some day and say I love you.  You are my sweetest daughter and I am proud of you.

I felt so happy when you sometimes put your hand on my head and when mama said You are my lovely daughter I felt blessed. I felt honored at that time !

Tears are running out from my eyes through my cheeks towards my neck as I am writing this. I am running out of words. I am not bothering to use fancy words and phrases while I write this. These words are flowing out of my fingers without following any rules.

I want to tell you that there was no one I can celebrate my success with when I got a position in my class here in university. There was no one whom I can tell that my teachers admire me and they are happy from me. No one to tell that I got highest marks in my favorite subjects. No one to tell that I got such a good GPA. No one to tell that I made a web site alone and my teacher admired me so much that he said he will buy a domain himself and will make it online. No one to tell that there are three people in my class who have some real skills of web and I am one of them . No one to tell that there are three students in my final year project group but they look at me when they need help and I alone is making that project without any help and my teacher is satisfied with me. Every time I got something, some admiration directly or indirectly no face comes into my mind to whom I can share my happiness. I felt more alone and the happiness faded at once. Sadness prevailed it .

I want to tell you that I took the biggest decision of my life because of you. I gave importance to your choice rather than mine for passing my rest of life with someone. I had a chance, but I never told you people because I thought you will think bad of me , you will get hurt ! I left the person I loved with all my heart, The Person who led me towards Allah’s love. I said yes to the person you selected for me . Why ? Because daddy, you let me lay down on your arm and told me that you liked that boy so much and you want me to accept him. And I did…. For you daddy ! I never thought what would happen to me, I never thought how would I survive with a person I don’t have any feelings , with an empty heart. I still don’t tell you that I pass through so much pain while talking to him and thinking of him. But I do this for you  And you will never know.

I loved you when I was here at home but I valued your worth when I started living in hostel. I missed you so much and all my views about you changed. At first I use to think that you don’t give me what I needed. Now I think that you did your best. You chose a life for me that is the best according to you. You tried to do everything perfect for me. It is just that you never tried to feel what I feel. Do you know why I use to keep laughing when I come home? You think because I am happy and satisfied. But I want to tell you I do this to hide my sadness, my tears. And you will never ever know that.

I don’t want to reveal My inner self to you. That will make you hurt. It will be difficult for you to think your daughter is going through so much pain. You think I am happy about the future you chose for me, I want you to think that for the rest of your life. I feel satisfied when I see you happy. I never want to tell you that How painful is the very thought of my future for me. I want to respect what you think. I will never break your trust on me. Some times when I came out of the washroom after crying for hours and there was a smile on my face you never recognized I have cried. You never read my eyes you never saw my tears. I felt hurt sometimes that you cant see my sadness but It is good I guess.

I want to tell you how alone I am. I want to tell you that I cry every time I am alone and I think of telling that to someone and sometimes your face come to my mind but I always think this will make you worried about me and I cancel the thought of telling you. I want to tell you that I have faced so many big problems in my life and I solved them with out even letting you know. You think my life is so easy and comfortable  I want you to think the same always. I want to see you happy. I use to pray for you after making every prayer. I don’t have any wish for myself. I pray for you and my brothers. You are my life you people are my soul !

Sometimes I wish I could tell you all that. At some point in life, when you hurt me with your words saying  ” You don’t feel what we go through for you people ” Or you don’t feel our worries or things like that. I feel an urge to tell you all this. But then I stop. Think of me like you always do…At least that will make you happy. I want your happiness and I am ready to pay the price for it.

You have done so much for us. I want to tell you that I feel your worries. I feel your pain… my heart melts when I see you in some kind of pain and I cry when I am alone and ask help for you from Allah. You know all my wishes revolve around you. I want my dad to get close to Allah. I know He love Allah so much but I want him to start following the right path. I want my brothers to follow the right path and get all the success and happiness in life. I want my mother to get all her wishes come true and all her worries fade out.

I love you mama and daddy. I want to see you happy. I never want you to see the face behind my mask. I want you to think it is the real me.

I will never tell all this to you. Never ever.

I love you !

And I know Some things are better unsaid !!

Your One And Only Daughter !

Story Of Love…….And Death !

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Once upon a time there was a princess living far away from her parents at a scary place. She had no other choice. She once used to be happy all the time. She smiled with her heart and made everyone happy with her words. She cherished each moment she had and take out all the fun for her. She was calm from inside and had no worries .

Then Something happened to her. She fell In Love…… Love that is a second name for pain and love that destroys…. The love of “human being”. It made her sad…. She stopped smiling. She stopped laughing and playing. She cried every time , all night. All the fun was lost. She was broken inside. Her ego which she used to feel proud of was dashed to ground. She lost her self respect. She lost her self ! But with all the pain, She was satisfied. Why ? Because the one she loved was with her. She use to think whenever she will feel pain she will tell her love. It will listen, It will calm her down It will help her But she didn’t know….. Love is never meant to help !! She thought of telling all her problems to Love and the thought that it will hear , It will be with her to make peace inside her.

And then her love was suddenly someone else’s !! She thought she lost her love . It was someone else’s fate. She use to pray for it all the time. It was everything she had. She was lonely In this cruel world without it. But seeing it, going to someone else tore her apart !! She was broken to pieces. She then realized what pain was ! She then realized what she was ! She came to know truth’s , the secrets. Secrets that are evil, That are scary but they are realities !!  She discovered why she was on this earth. Why she did all what she did. And who created her and for what purpose. Secrets were revealed to her.

And what happened next ? What happened today ? She died…….. Why ?

Because she did a mistake. She actually told her love , her feelings. She told him what was her problems and what is she facing. She tried to show it her misery. And In return she wanted nothing but sympathy. But she never knew love was meant to leave….Love was meant to break !! Break an alive man !! The love denied to help her. The love stroke her expectations to ground. The love let her down ! It never understood it never listened ! It never sympathized her ! It made her heart tear with something hard….It made her eyes bleed. It left her bleeding…..alone.

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It was not the loved one guilty….It was Love …. Which was Guilty…. as always ! With all its glory and characteristics….. Happens to be the same despite of to whom it happened.

She cried and cried…..lying down on her bed , legs folded and hands on her face…. She cried with pain spreading inside all the body like poison…… And slowly…….. She died !!

People die….. they have to.  She was princess but her death affected no one ! No one’s life was stopped cause of her….. She was nothing. Princess’s parents missed her for some time and then they were engaged dealing with their other children. She was no where but she was watching them….She was realizing how ordinary she was. She was not even like a small leaf or a grain of sand. Even they had a purpose, a use.

This was a story……a real story. The story of love…or the story of death! This may be the story of you….And You….And you….. Everyone knows !

This is the truth. This is life. We are all like that princess. We feel the same , sometime in our life . Our ways, our passages are different but we have same destination. Life comes with different faces for everyone but the core the reality is same. We face everything same , through different means. And after happening everything. we realize we were nothing! We are nothing ! Life can’t stop because of us ! No process can wait for us…..Life has to go on and we will be left behind !

Love…….Pain……..Ecstasy……..Nothingness……Hell.

This is the path….This is it !!!

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