I Am Getting Married.

Yes I am getting married. It took me 1 and a half YEAR to realize this single reality…I am getting married.

Though the things beyond this fact are blur. Getting married to whom ? What do I feel ? Why I am doing this ? Why is all this happening ? Everything is blur.

I am going to be a computer scientist in another month. I Love my field now . I got the highest grades and GPA In my class. I am a so called intelligent student in the eyes of teachers. And yet….I am getting married. Just after the completion of my studies.

People say me to be optimistic about my future ! Can I ? Yes I know I should………..!!

The one I wished to pass all my life with….saw all my future dreams with….planned my future with…..is lost in the fog of time and fate !

The one I am going to have a future with….. I never thought about him….I have no feelings , an empty heart for him. This is the future I have to look up to !

I don’t know If I won’t be getting married , I would be doing any job or studying further , My life would be better in Future.

I don’t know either my life would be good with all that seems obvious. I don;t know anything. I am confused.

It took me 1 and a half year to realize the fact that I am getting married. I don’t know how much time I would take to accept the person of my fate.

My Allah and then my parents chose him for me…..and I accepted their wish…with my eyes closed. I couldn’t kill the happiness of my parents . I never gave them any happiness except this one. I am not selfish.

That was the time I stopped wishing for myself. Its hard when you get wounds all over your soul….by the broken pieces of your dreams….and you find no remedy…..no cure.

I have made room for pain in my heart. I know I have to live with what I am given I know I have to accept and I have to Move on !!

It is a difficult task.

Anyway…… I am getting married on 15th February 2014 and You all are Invited.

 

There should be some caring people to give me their shoulder. After all I need four of them. After all ‘Red’ color is getting ‘white’ for me. After all my marriage may be my funeral.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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May Be I Am Thinking Too Much !

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I have no memories of my childhood with my parents. Every time I sit back and start thinking , How I use to be with my parents, what were the things I did with them, anything ? There comes nothing ! Except the things told by other people and my parents. They tell me I was so adorable and everyone who see me wants to hold me … There are pictures of me when I was 2 or 3 years old and then there is a complete blank without any pictures till I was 14 or 15. May be my parents lost their camera in my childhood.

I have some memories of this time period in school and with my friends. I remember every friend I had during it. I remember how we use to play , how we use to chat with each other and how we use to spend the recess time during school.

I remember I use to make houses with dry mud ! I was expert in it back then. All my friends use to gather around me sitting in the mud with clean white uniforms and we had no fear of ‘how we look’ to the people back then. They use to gather accessories for the house I was making. Some leaves , some yellow fur like thing and some beads like things from the trees and some colorful wrappers ! Till then I make a pile of dry mud and through it , I use to make the first floor and plain it with my hands. So perfect like we plain the surface of Cake with cream while making it . Then the second floor and some times the third floor. Then comes the turn of accessories and I use to decorate it like I am doing a task that would change my life, so keenly. When it was done, my friends use to clap for me .

May be back then I had a thought embedded in my mind , of my future. May be back then I knew I won’t have a chance to make the home of my choice and decorate it . May be I knew I would be forced to live in a home that would be never a home for me. So I already fulfilled all my wishes for a home with mud and tree accessories !

I remember I was the best in every game we use to play . I ran faster than each of my friend and won every single race back then. We use to play doge-the-ball , hide-and-seek, catch-me and many other games and I always use to win. My friends use to fight with each other to become my partner in any game. I was the one they look up to when deciding what game we will play and for resolving the fights.

May be back then I knew I would lose at every single step in my real life. So I won everything already back then. I already felt the pleasure of winning. I never realized life is not a game. We can win games but even the best player loses in his life !

I had a special pattern regarding my studies. I noticed it when I was 15. I stood first in class for the first , second and third years. Then I was an average or you can say below average in fourth, fifth and sixth years. Then again I topped my class in the seventh , eighth and ninth years. Tenth year was a disaster ! It was the year I started getting spoiled . Followed by the first two years of college. Making again the three years. Now in university I have passed four years and they were remarkably good. I would never be able to understand this cycle related to my studies. I want to know though.

I Guess I need a psychiatrist. May be he could give me answers I want to know. But I know I would never be able to ask anyone .

Three weeks back when I was in my home and it was the last day there. I had to come back here in hostel the next day. I was laying down with all my family. My dad, mom, and the brothers. We were chatting and then my dad started recalling his past. The things I heard were shocking !

He told us that he always felt alone back then even with his parents and siblings around. He said there is a hollowness inside him that was never filled even by his daughter and sons and wife ! He said when he was 15 he felt this hollowness so much that he started saying that his parents are not real and he is adopted that is why he feels like this. When his parents , my grandfather asked him why he is saying all this. He said you should know the answer. You are my parents and you are behind everything I feel since the childhood. My mom then told me that my father had a diary that was filled till the end with poetry. All sad poetry with the same topics , loneliness and sadness.

Tears were falling down from my eyes and absorbing in the pillow as I was hearing this. But it was dark so no one could see them. I was shocked and hurt at the same time while knowing this. These were the same feelings all he described that I use to feel all my life. The same pattern. the same hollowness the same pain. He dared asking his parents why is he like this. I never had courage to ask them . I have seen Him the same close to Allah like I am. No one other can feel him the way I can. I can’t put it into words but his life seems to me same like mine.

I would never gather enough courage to ask him the same questions he asked his parents. I know how much he would be hurt , knowing that he had to give all the answers he searched for all his life. Knowing that his little girl has grown up, and she feels the same as he did all his life. I can feel his pain…

I kept thinking all night, Are feelings and emotions genetic ? Is pain genetic ? Are sufferings and the after effects of the sufferings genetic ? Is the way of thinking genetic ? Is it possible that the way my father use to fight with himself it was genetically passed on to me ?

I wondered and there was no answer. May be this condition has some name and it has been proved to be a genetic thing by science. May be not.

May be I am thinking too much.

In The Loving Memory Of My Grand Ma

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I am roaming right now way back in my past. About 9 years ago. When I was a little girl and I remember my whole family used to visit my uncle’s house where my Grand Ma lived. We use to be so excited the day we had to go there. My mom used to dress us up nice. And as we entered the house, My aunt and uncle came to the door to welcome us and we ran towards the bed of my Grand ma. She was always waiting for us already. She used to kiss me and my brothers on the forehead. And then used to take out some money from her pocket, very new shinning currency and give it to us. We felt so happy to have it. I sit around my grand ma on her bed all day till we went back.

And I remember once she came at our house to stay for some days. I use to sing some religious words to her and she listened carefully and corrected me where I was wrong. She tried to learn those words from me. And when she went back at uncle’s, I use to say to my mom that I can still hear my Grand ma’ s voice in our house and my mom use to smile at me. I slept with her and she told me stories. I still know the stories by heart. There were two stories one about a girl and one about a couple . She used to tell these stories again and again to me until I sleep.

Then I remember going to her house almost 7 years ago. I was in 9th class and somehow mature than before. I use to sit with her and she asked about things . about my studies, about my fathers relatives. I asked her about her past and she told me she was a kid when they people traveled to our country and settled here at the time of independence. My mom use to tell me she has passed a very hard life but she was so strong. My Grand pa died when my mom was young. And my Grand Ma did everything for her children that she could.

And there was that day when we got a phone call that she is sick and we should gather at my uncle’s. I was sent to school and all my family went there. When they reached she was taking her last breaths. After a minute or two she died. I didn’t even get to see her last time alive. I was at my relatives when my mom called me from there and told me about her death. I was not sensible enough at that time but I loved her so much. I started crying . My dad came and took me to that place where she was lying. I still can see her face in front of my eyes. It was peaceful and quiet. Every one was crying there. My mom was crying so hard and it was hard for me to see her and my Grand ma too at the same time like this. I sat down near her death bed. I touched her face with my finger. I found myself crying loud ….so loud. I cried and cried and I heard some women saying something would happen to her stop her from crying but I never cared or listened. There were tears and pain everywhere. And then they took her away.

I missed her so much. I don’t really remember what happened after we came back home but I remember I use to recite some verses for her and use to pray for her everyday. I don’t really have many childhood memories but the memories with my grand ma are quiet clear.

Sometimes we realize the importance of people when they are gone. Sometimes we lose important people before they can be more important to us in future. I lost my Grand ma so early. There is a place in my heart that has a special respect and love for my grand ma. I always wish to have someone like my Grand ma , so loving and sweet and to with I can take advice and discuss my matters. I always like old people and she was my grand ma. I loved her the most. Good people go back from this world early. She was a lovely person. She was beautiful.Words are not sufficient to describe how valuable she was.

We can’t change fate. We have no control on what is already written. We can just sit around and see what life gives us and what it takes away from us. It took away my grand ma when I needed her the most. Death is the last chapter in time, but the first chapter in eternity.Reality sucks sometimes but there is no other way but to accept it. I can’t forget her love, care and indulgence. I love you Grand Ma and I pray for you here on earth. I hope you are happy and satisfied there.

I love you and I miss you so much and will miss you through the rest of my life…….!

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