I am A Beggar !

Afghan_girl_begging

Sadness In Eyes !

Rain is a pleasant thing for people, In fact for me too ! A blessing and a much awaited blessing specially In our Areas.

Then what is the reason that after rain, everything seems so silent, so still and so sad ?

May be because people says there is sadness after every happiness and happiness after every sadness. I feel happy when it rains that is why I feel sad after it ? Don’t make much sense to me.

And weird sad things happen to me when it rains. This is weird ! May be because I feel sad from inside, I see only the sad side of things ! Yes after all I intend to be sad. Sadness gives me peace, to my mind and to my soul.

Same sadness that you see in eyes of a child who had nothing to eat all day and he keeps begging and get nothing but criticism and castigation. The same sadness that you see in the eyes of a Mother of 12 or more children or an ill husband waiting at home for the money she earns through begging . The same sadness that you feel on the face of a father who can not find a job and at the end of the day, starts begging because he don’t want to go empty handed in his house where many eyes are waiting for him. For him or for food ? No one knows.

Sadness may have many reasons but it has one face. The deep intense feeling when meets with silence, stillness and a somber sigh and appears in the form of a dim light in eyes, makes the face of sadness.

While having a drive with my family today , Instead of watching the happiness in their eyes I was busy in noticing the sadness in eyes of people outside. Whenever our car stops at a food place, Many poor children and women come rushing towards it. And If anyone of us give anything to one beggar, they all keep standing there without moving and keep asking !

Yes I can understand the irritation caused to my parents by this. But sometimes I can’t understand. Each time they say them to get away my hearts misses a beat. My mood swings to the sad one !

I tried to Imagine myself on their place today. Dirty hair, Ragged Filthy clothes , Bare feet and hands wide open , joined together ! Mouth saying words which I could never say in front of people and belly carving for food. Head heavy with the weakness. Shameful bent-down eyes and sadness……..

The feeling while watching other people sitting in cars, eating delicious food , wearing colorful clothes and talking with each other, Happy faces !

The feeling every time I spread out my hands to beg and every time I  was rejected with a sentence, a single word, a hand saying to move forward or just a finger or sometimes a mere movement of an eye-brow !

The feeling of rejection….. As If someone kicks on my face and move forward by putting a step over my corpse !

The feeling when people see me with greed, hunger, lust and dirt in eyes. Their eyes going through my body and tearing me apart. Their shameless smiles and cheap signs.

The feeling of embarrassment and humiliation…..I feel like the ground tears up and I jump inside hiding there forever !

My brother offered me an Ice-cream which I rejected to eat. I wasn’t able to tell him I am already eating one, Of ‘Reality’ ! It tastes ‘bitter’ !

I was trying to hide my tears from all of them so I closed my eyes . From the reality, From that horrible picture of me and from more people like I imagined myself and wasn’t even able to bear that mere imagination !

Why is reality always so tough ?

People with one leg or arm broken , blind , deaf, or diseased were still moving outside, begging ! And we think only we are ‘Humans‘ !!

A song in the voice of ‘Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan‘ was playing in the car……

ko’ii to hai jo nizaam-e-hastii chalaa rahaa hai
vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai
dikha’ii bhii jo na de nazar bhii jo aa rahaa hai
vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai

(Someone is there who is managing the order of life
He is God, He is God, He is God
He is invisible still He can be seen
He is God, He is God, He is God)

nazar bhii rakhe sama’ateN bhii, vo jaan letaa hai niyyateN bhii
jo Khaana-e-laa-shauur meN jagmagaa rahaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai
vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai

(He keep eyes and ears too, He knows even the intentions
The one who is illuminated in our subconscious minds
He is God, He is God, He is God)

talaash us ko na kar butoN meN, vo hai badaltii hu’ii rutoN meN
jo din ko raat aur raat ko din banaa rahaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai
vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai

(Do not search for Him in the idols, He is in the changing seasons
The one who is changing day to night and night to day
He is God, He is God, He is God)

And My search For Allah continues……..Along with the words of the song. Would I be able to get Allah if I become a beggar one day, In front of people ? Would that pain be enough to led me to you ?

You say you don’t see the filthiness of body. You see the heart, the soul. Then why we make our hearts and souls filthy and our bodies decorated and clean ?

I don’t have the answers. I want to experience the answers. I am a beggar, I beg you ! I beg you and only you I spread my hands only In front of you. Lead me towards yourself ! Aye Allah…………………….

“Go With The Flow” VS “The Positive Theory”

I was once talking to a friend. He told me a story.

He said I was once sitting with a friend and He asked me how is everything going ?

And I replied               ” Just going with the flow”.

He then replied          ” Only dead straws go with the flow”

That was thought provoking. I use to apply the same theory to my life. Whenever my heart pinches me, I don’t want this to happen to you. I used to tap it gently and said ‘”just go with the flow”.

Whenever there was some problem in my life, I used to say to myself  “just go with the flow”.

Whenever I feel depressed and broken and find no way out, I wanted things to get normal again, I put my head down and remind myself of “just go with the flow” thing.

Now I feel I was dead from inside and I never tried to wake up myself. my mind and heart were dead. And i had accepted that death of them I was living with dead inner self.

But now, at the age of almost 22, I feel it wrong. I was wrong in thinking about my future. I was wrong in thinking about what will happen to me next and why. I used to think whatever happens to me, I deserved it ! It was due to what I did in the past. But I was being negative !! I was hopeless !!

I noticed one of my friends. I have seen her being negative about so many things but she never thought negative about her future. She always says something good will happen to me, she never felt hopeless like me. Even she use to dream really big about her future life. And I have seen her every wish coming true. Even I feel it like a miracle. We use to make fun of her like she has a losers approach or something. She always said she don’t try but she wishes , and her wishes comes true. Trying with wishing will make it even better I guess !!

I have noticed so many people who apply just go with the flow theory in their life and do nothing , wish nothing and pray nothing for it. On the other hand, people doing nothing but thinking positive got success!

Once I read about the positive energy. They say whenever you think something about anything very much, It will eventually come to you. Like when you will think positively, all the positive energies of universe will collectively start trying to get that thing to you … and eventually that will come to you. And this is true. The same happens when you think negative about something. Our mind emits positive and negative rays as we think and these rays eventually become a cause to get that thing for us. There is some science involved in it. As many secrets of universe are yet to be revealed, it may be one of them.

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