“I Love You” – A Fiction.

red_rose_on_a_grave__in_bellu_by_schwarzekatze181

She said, “I need to talk to you !”

And he never did.

He reminisced. Each time she tried to share her feelings he pushed her away. Every time she cried in front of him, he was pissed off. Each time she said that she needed him with her, he disappeared.

He shouts on her , insults her but she never turned away…. she threw her self respect far away for him….And he use all his self respect and ego against her. Whenever they had a fight, he never apologized and talked to her first. And every time she made him realize that after talking and resolving the fight by apologizing first.

Love of Human

Sacrificed Self respect

Butchered ego

Pleasurable pain

Enchanting heartache

Dying Wishes

Trembling smiles

Tranquility

He never knew through how much pain she has to go through to keep poking him with texts and call when she knew he don’t care. She knew he won’t reply but still she kept staring at the screen for a long time and then burst into tears.

“I Love you”

“I Love you too”

These were the words that begun and end there conversation…..and which were the only words to say when they had nothing else left to say to each other…..and these were the words he kept saying to her almost a hundred times a day……

And he recalled, He was not there for her in her most miserable times….. She stopped sharing her pain because she wanted him in her life.

Tears were dropping by his eyes…one by one…..and he was staring in the air…..

He recalled the texts she left for her in these days….She said she wanted to talk to him but he was angry…He was taking a break from her…He never replied….He never talked to her……..He needed time.

He never knew time is a thing no one can have. It doesn’t breathe but it dies.

She shared her feelings once again this time and like always…..He turned his back on her. He stopped talking…He needed time. She kept talking….. She needed him.

But she had no time left…….

He wiped away his tears , put that red flower on her fresh grave and whispered , ” I Love you and I knew you would wait for me” .

Haunting regrets were all he was left with.

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* P.S Adrift : No, this is not FOR you…. This is ABOUT me. Couldn’t come up with anything better in this misery.

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Grave Is Your Destination…

PakGraves

 

** Urdu lines are taken from a Naat read by Junaid Jamshed.

Duniya k aye musaafir , Manzil teri Qabar hai

Manzil teri qabar hai…

Tay ker raha hai jo tu, do din ka ye safar hai

du din ka ye safar hai…

O traveler of the world, grave is your destination

Grave is your destination…

The one you are travelling, is a two days exploration

Is a two days exploration…

Sitting at the back seat in the car by window side, she settled her head at corner of the window glass. Her eyes were wandering along the trees and the roads…. people of different ages on various vehicles, In a hurry to reach somewhere, to do something…. alone or with their families…. Colorful clothes…. Chatting , smiling faces…… Energetic and glowing children running by the road side…. bright blue clouds…. It was Eid day… Eid which is a second name for happiness……..

Ankhon sa tu nay apni , kitnay janazay dekhay ?

Hathon sa tunay  apnay , dafnay kitnay murday ?

Dafnay Kitnay murday….

Anjam sa tu apnay , kyun itna be khabar hai ?

Kyun Itna Be khabar hai…

With your own eyes, how many funerals have you witnessed ?

With your own hands, How many dead’s have you buried ?

How many dead’s have you buried…

Of your consequence, why are you so ignorant ?

Why are you so ignorant…

She had a bad mood since morning that day… She cried over small things… It was Eid ! She was supposed to be happy but she locked herself in her room and cried her heart out laying down on the floor… She realized her last Eid was the same… It started with tears too…and the third last Eid….and the previous ones… She realized ‘Eid’s ‘ are not made for her…. She realized her ‘Eid’ had not come yet… She realized she had no part in today’s happiness…… Or any happiness at all ?

Why ? Why don’t I have the right to feel happy like normal people ? Why don’t you feel me ? She had questions for Him….. He was not answering !

Then she realized she had been thinking about her past and the future , all her life…every moment of her present , she never had a present. Her present was filled with thoughts of the past or worries of the future. She thought, what If she dies today , this very moment ? What has she done to herself ?

Makhmal main sonay walay, mitti main so rahay hain

shah o gada yaha per , sub ek ho rahay hain

Sab aik ho rahay hain….

Dono hoye barabar ye mout ka asar hay

Ye mout ka asar hai…

The ones who slept in silk, are sleeping now in clay

Kings and servants here, are all getting same…

Are all getting same…

Both got equal, this is the effect of death

This is the effect of death…

Her mom was calling her….She was saying her to get ready…to wear colorful clothes…to be lively…. And she was dead already. She never knew for what parents is this said,  that they can know what is in your heart by looking at your eyes…

She had to be happy for the ones who love her and who can’t see her sad. She had to live in present for some time. She had to get rid of the unending dark loneliness inside her… May be thinking about life is not what should be done. May be death is the ultimate truth to be thought of….She stood up. She had to fake it again.

After all the fear of death follows from the fear of life….

 

 

Abstract Speculation Of A Rainy Day

blood_drop_by_hacker340

Today is  Juma-Tul-Wida (The last Friday of Ramadan Kareem).

The dawn was as hot as the rest of the days of Ramadan passed. Everyone was dying of hotness and clouds use to come daily and left without showering. Fasting in this kind of hotness is hard, very hard. But our Lord says He can’t put burden on us more than we can handle.

As I came out in the noon I saw black clouds on the sky and finally it started raining ! Everyone in my family is so happy right now . I can feel their happiness as their faces look like blooming flowers. Why are Fridays always so lucky ? I said to myself. I went into the rain feeling its cold refreshing drops falling all over me. It felt cold and pleasant. I put a chair right in the middle of the open patio of my house, beside green leaves of a tree and lie on it feeling the rain going into my soul through every pore of my body. I relax here with closed eyes feeling the pleasure of getting my heart washed. I see my family happy around me. Laughing, talking, gossiping and joking, beautiful faces . My dad is sitting right beside me. I felt peace. Real peace . No worries, no problems to think about and nothing to get tensed. Peace, serenity, lull and happiness.

After a while my mind has started doing its ‘endeavor‘. It never stops thinking and I get tired of it sometimes. S[specially at long nights when I want to sleep and couldn’t just because of my mind, awake and thinking. I wonder how it stopped just before this moment when everything was feeling so good and refreshing and Life seems so easy and peaceful.

I caught up a thought about my family and then all the news I heard before on Tv and from people started echoing in my brain. I thought at this very moment when I am sitting peacefully here there would be many atrocious things happening in some part of the world. There may be an innocent child dying in some corner of the world by barbarous people. There may be a drone attack and many innocent people may have been killed in it. There may be a suicide bomber exploding himself , taking lives of many innocent people including him. A father may have been killed by a shot from unknown bike riders in some part of my country. There may be a father killing his own family members or a brother killing his own sisters. There may be a girl being killed at some part of world after getting kidnapped.

There would be a mother, a father crying on death of their angelic children. A brother crying on the death of his sister. Small kids crying on the death of their father. There would be pain in many people’s heart right now. There would be fear in many eyes, the fear of future. There would be restlessness, agony, distress, hurt and terror dancing in the eyes of  some modest simple people.

Thinking of this, this rain water don’t seem refreshing to me anymore. I am feeling like I am dipping my feet in the blood of these people. I feel like the blood of these people is falling right now on me and I am drenched in their blood. I took out my hand and tried to feel the rain drops. They were not rain drops anymore…..

We hear about deaths of people and killings of innocent everyday. On the news in Tv , on some radio channel , on internet or through different people we meet. We hear the news , feel some pain in our heart for the moment , say some words about their loss to show we are sad and then start living our normal life again. We don’t even remember what we heard lately . Why ? Is it really a fact that our blood has turned white? ……Or is this the coldness that is spreading all over inside our hearts with time?

But what if we feel the pain in heart…..what can we do ? What can we do to stop these killings. What can we do to ease the pain of people that were attached to the killed ones? What can we do for the innocent kids left behind all alone ? We are so engaged in our own lives. We are becoming doctors and engineers . We are busy in doing our full time jobs. We are busy in taking care of our kids and raising them. Our lives are so busy we can’t even have time for fulfilling our social responsibilities. Then how can we go far away to the place where these things happen , leaving our life and family far behind and try to help them ? Can we sacrifice our lives for their lives ? Are we brave enough ? I am not…

Then what is our responsibility ? Why do I feel so much pain in my heart when I hear these kind of news and I feel my hands tied?  I feel myself obstruct and powerless . Why can’t I do anything for them? I want to stop all this. I want to ease the pain of people getting suffered. I want to be their voice. But why can’t I move , why do i feel my self tied up hard…………What can I do ?

For what reason did our beloved Messenger said

He who among-st you sees something abominable should modify it with the help of his hand; and if he has not strength enough to do that, then he should do it with his tongue; and if he has not strength enough to do even that, then he should (at least abhor it) from his heart; and that is the least of faith.”

We should act upon this . Shouldn’t we ? Then why do we show like we don’t care about other people. Some of us even don’t abhor the evil doings in our hearts. We care only when something like this happens to our own family. Why are we not able to feel the pain of other people ?

I open my eyes and took a glimpse of my family. I stare at each of their faces and I feel my heart would burst out with pain. I couldn’t even think of anything like that happening to them. I can’t think of losing anyone of them. What would be the feelings of the people who had to face this hell on earth ?

Tears have started coming out of my eyes. But I am lucky, it is raining right now. It will hide my tears from the people I love and I care about. Charlie Chaplin was a really funny man, he tried to make everyone laugh with his actions but his quote about rain always make me realize he was not what everyone assumed him. He said it right.

“I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying.”

I close my eyes again and here I lay thinking and in-questing myself…..all these questions sway in my mind and I try to figure out answers of each. Do you know the answers ?

An Unsorted Unresolved Depress Mind’s Thought On Life……..

question-mark2

Life…..

………..Starts with a white clean paper. Some words emerge on it. Words which are imperative and which needs to be mastered. As the paper start getting filled with words, The purity and cleanliness starts dissipating. The paper starts stuffing with blotches and eruptions. Marks and stains are dispersed over it. Word by word, a full story behind exclusive words. After a while, the paper looks destroyed and damaged. Words are arduous to read because of more blemishes. The blotches, words and torn ups can never be undone. They are not erasable. After a moment, the paper start tearing apart from places and at last, whole paper is turned into small pieces. This is where it ends.

One paragraph, 6 lines , 120 words , 650 letters ! 

And Life Ends…….!!

Happenings , stories, pain, happiness, sadness, tears, suffering, joy, fun, mood, This altogether makes Life !

Everyday, the same routine , the same people, the same happenings, This altogether passes Life !

Silence, pain, illness, heart attack, accident, suicide, age, This Takes Away Life !

This is the life we cry for ? This is the life we get depressed for ? This is the life we plan for ? This is the life we die for ?

Does it worth everything ?

Life is like a candle… Either it slowly melts away or a harsh breath of wind blows it out of existence.
Brittany Ann Smith

Life is short, but it’s long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.
Josh Billings

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.
Jeff Ross

Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them

Dion Boucicault

Life is wasted on the living.
Douglas Adams

I am scared. Scared of the truth. Scared of Life. Scared of death……..

Scared of the 650 letters…………..

Life ?????????

In The Loving Memory Of My Grand Ma

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I am roaming right now way back in my past. About 9 years ago. When I was a little girl and I remember my whole family used to visit my uncle’s house where my Grand Ma lived. We use to be so excited the day we had to go there. My mom used to dress us up nice. And as we entered the house, My aunt and uncle came to the door to welcome us and we ran towards the bed of my Grand ma. She was always waiting for us already. She used to kiss me and my brothers on the forehead. And then used to take out some money from her pocket, very new shinning currency and give it to us. We felt so happy to have it. I sit around my grand ma on her bed all day till we went back.

And I remember once she came at our house to stay for some days. I use to sing some religious words to her and she listened carefully and corrected me where I was wrong. She tried to learn those words from me. And when she went back at uncle’s, I use to say to my mom that I can still hear my Grand ma’ s voice in our house and my mom use to smile at me. I slept with her and she told me stories. I still know the stories by heart. There were two stories one about a girl and one about a couple . She used to tell these stories again and again to me until I sleep.

Then I remember going to her house almost 7 years ago. I was in 9th class and somehow mature than before. I use to sit with her and she asked about things . about my studies, about my fathers relatives. I asked her about her past and she told me she was a kid when they people traveled to our country and settled here at the time of independence. My mom use to tell me she has passed a very hard life but she was so strong. My Grand pa died when my mom was young. And my Grand Ma did everything for her children that she could.

And there was that day when we got a phone call that she is sick and we should gather at my uncle’s. I was sent to school and all my family went there. When they reached she was taking her last breaths. After a minute or two she died. I didn’t even get to see her last time alive. I was at my relatives when my mom called me from there and told me about her death. I was not sensible enough at that time but I loved her so much. I started crying . My dad came and took me to that place where she was lying. I still can see her face in front of my eyes. It was peaceful and quiet. Every one was crying there. My mom was crying so hard and it was hard for me to see her and my Grand ma too at the same time like this. I sat down near her death bed. I touched her face with my finger. I found myself crying loud ….so loud. I cried and cried and I heard some women saying something would happen to her stop her from crying but I never cared or listened. There were tears and pain everywhere. And then they took her away.

I missed her so much. I don’t really remember what happened after we came back home but I remember I use to recite some verses for her and use to pray for her everyday. I don’t really have many childhood memories but the memories with my grand ma are quiet clear.

Sometimes we realize the importance of people when they are gone. Sometimes we lose important people before they can be more important to us in future. I lost my Grand ma so early. There is a place in my heart that has a special respect and love for my grand ma. I always wish to have someone like my Grand ma , so loving and sweet and to with I can take advice and discuss my matters. I always like old people and she was my grand ma. I loved her the most. Good people go back from this world early. She was a lovely person. She was beautiful.Words are not sufficient to describe how valuable she was.

We can’t change fate. We have no control on what is already written. We can just sit around and see what life gives us and what it takes away from us. It took away my grand ma when I needed her the most. Death is the last chapter in time, but the first chapter in eternity.Reality sucks sometimes but there is no other way but to accept it. I can’t forget her love, care and indulgence. I love you Grand Ma and I pray for you here on earth. I hope you are happy and satisfied there.

I love you and I miss you so much and will miss you through the rest of my life…….!

Story Of Love…….And Death !

moon

Once upon a time there was a princess living far away from her parents at a scary place. She had no other choice. She once used to be happy all the time. She smiled with her heart and made everyone happy with her words. She cherished each moment she had and take out all the fun for her. She was calm from inside and had no worries .

Then Something happened to her. She fell In Love…… Love that is a second name for pain and love that destroys…. The love of “human being”. It made her sad…. She stopped smiling. She stopped laughing and playing. She cried every time , all night. All the fun was lost. She was broken inside. Her ego which she used to feel proud of was dashed to ground. She lost her self respect. She lost her self ! But with all the pain, She was satisfied. Why ? Because the one she loved was with her. She use to think whenever she will feel pain she will tell her love. It will listen, It will calm her down It will help her But she didn’t know….. Love is never meant to help !! She thought of telling all her problems to Love and the thought that it will hear , It will be with her to make peace inside her.

And then her love was suddenly someone else’s !! She thought she lost her love . It was someone else’s fate. She use to pray for it all the time. It was everything she had. She was lonely In this cruel world without it. But seeing it, going to someone else tore her apart !! She was broken to pieces. She then realized what pain was ! She then realized what she was ! She came to know truth’s , the secrets. Secrets that are evil, That are scary but they are realities !!  She discovered why she was on this earth. Why she did all what she did. And who created her and for what purpose. Secrets were revealed to her.

And what happened next ? What happened today ? She died…….. Why ?

Because she did a mistake. She actually told her love , her feelings. She told him what was her problems and what is she facing. She tried to show it her misery. And In return she wanted nothing but sympathy. But she never knew love was meant to leave….Love was meant to break !! Break an alive man !! The love denied to help her. The love stroke her expectations to ground. The love let her down ! It never understood it never listened ! It never sympathized her ! It made her heart tear with something hard….It made her eyes bleed. It left her bleeding…..alone.

watercolor-portrait-painting-pain-woman-female-face-art-drip-color-emotion-eyes

It was not the loved one guilty….It was Love …. Which was Guilty…. as always ! With all its glory and characteristics….. Happens to be the same despite of to whom it happened.

She cried and cried…..lying down on her bed , legs folded and hands on her face…. She cried with pain spreading inside all the body like poison…… And slowly…….. She died !!

People die….. they have to.  She was princess but her death affected no one ! No one’s life was stopped cause of her….. She was nothing. Princess’s parents missed her for some time and then they were engaged dealing with their other children. She was no where but she was watching them….She was realizing how ordinary she was. She was not even like a small leaf or a grain of sand. Even they had a purpose, a use.

This was a story……a real story. The story of love…or the story of death! This may be the story of you….And You….And you….. Everyone knows !

This is the truth. This is life. We are all like that princess. We feel the same , sometime in our life . Our ways, our passages are different but we have same destination. Life comes with different faces for everyone but the core the reality is same. We face everything same , through different means. And after happening everything. we realize we were nothing! We are nothing ! Life can’t stop because of us ! No process can wait for us…..Life has to go on and we will be left behind !

Love…….Pain……..Ecstasy……..Nothingness……Hell.

This is the path….This is it !!!

Pain_mle46-v

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