Dear Mama And Daddy !
First of all I Love you and so very much !
No I am not fine as I always say when you ask me how are you ? I want to tell you some things… Some things That you don’t know and you can’t even imagine of.
Do you know what is my biggest wish of my life ? Let me tell you today.
My biggest wish is that I make you proud one day. You get a lot of happiness or reward because of me, someday. I don’t have any wish regarding myself. I use to fantasize in my free time that I have done something big and every one is admiring you both because of me and you have that shine in your eyes, which comes in every parents eyes when they feel proud of their child. I want to see that shine in your eyes ! I want to make you feel proud ! I have always let you down. I never did anything for you in my whole life , At least this is what you know ! I feel this from the depth of my heart. This is the strongest desire I feel when ever I think of my life.
I am a sensitive and touchy girl. You don’t know this till now. It all started when I was young I don’t exactly remember my age. And mama, you were sitting with all my brothers and you all made fun of me for some thing. I ran away to my room and fell on my bed and cried and cried but no one came to express sympathy with me. I felt so bad. I was young, I didn’t realized what is happening but I felt neglected.
Then It started happening more often. You say words to make fun of me in a funny way but instead they hurt me. I started feeling pain when I was so young but back then, I couldn’t name it. I cried lying on my bed every time this happened but you never consoled me . A wish started sprouting in my heart that you come to console me, wipe away my tears and upraise me but you never did. You never felt what I use to go through.
I was a good student at first and you somehow felt proud of me till 9th grade. Then a disaster happened to me and I failed your expectations. I failed you badly in 10th grade and in my college. You never bothered to ask me what happened to you ? You used to be a brilliant student what is the matter with you ? You used to be so happy why don’t you seem happy now? Did something happen ? No. Instead , on knowing about the matter you behaved so rudely I can’t even think of that time now. It makes me cry ! That was the most ugliest time of my life and there was no one to tell me what is right and what is wrong. There was no one to listen, and when I found someone who listened to me I followed the wrong path even without seeing that face ever in my life. It was just a voice to me, But you behaved like I have done something so bad. I needed you at that time but you beat me hard with your words. I felt alone. I started receding away from you.
Do you know what I use to think when I miss you ? That I am lying with my head in you lap and you are running your fingers across my hair. And talking to me. I felt so loved in my dreams thinking of that. I am your only daughter but you never did it. I don’t have courage to tell you that. I wish that I lie with my head in your lap one day and you kiss on my forehead . And you tell me how much you love me and you are here no matter what happens. Tell everything to me like your friend. I am your friend. But I don’t see that happening ever.
I use to think of you too in the same way. I wish someday you hug me and kiss my forehead. You express your indulgence . You pass your hand through my head with love some day and say I love you. You are my sweetest daughter and I am proud of you.
I felt so happy when you sometimes put your hand on my head and when mama said You are my lovely daughter I felt blessed. I felt honored at that time !
Tears are running out from my eyes through my cheeks towards my neck as I am writing this. I am running out of words. I am not bothering to use fancy words and phrases while I write this. These words are flowing out of my fingers without following any rules.
I want to tell you that there was no one I can celebrate my success with when I got a position in my class here in university. There was no one whom I can tell that my teachers admire me and they are happy from me. No one to tell that I got highest marks in my favorite subjects. No one to tell that I got such a good GPA. No one to tell that I made a web site alone and my teacher admired me so much that he said he will buy a domain himself and will make it online. No one to tell that there are three people in my class who have some real skills of web and I am one of them . No one to tell that there are three students in my final year project group but they look at me when they need help and I alone is making that project without any help and my teacher is satisfied with me. Every time I got something, some admiration directly or indirectly no face comes into my mind to whom I can share my happiness. I felt more alone and the happiness faded at once. Sadness prevailed it .
I want to tell you that I took the biggest decision of my life because of you. I gave importance to your choice rather than mine for passing my rest of life with someone. I had a chance, but I never told you people because I thought you will think bad of me , you will get hurt ! I left the person I loved with all my heart, The Person who led me towards Allah’s love. I said yes to the person you selected for me . Why ? Because daddy, you let me lay down on your arm and told me that you liked that boy so much and you want me to accept him. And I did…. For you daddy ! I never thought what would happen to me, I never thought how would I survive with a person I don’t have any feelings , with an empty heart. I still don’t tell you that I pass through so much pain while talking to him and thinking of him. But I do this for you And you will never know.
I loved you when I was here at home but I valued your worth when I started living in hostel. I missed you so much and all my views about you changed. At first I use to think that you don’t give me what I needed. Now I think that you did your best. You chose a life for me that is the best according to you. You tried to do everything perfect for me. It is just that you never tried to feel what I feel. Do you know why I use to keep laughing when I come home? You think because I am happy and satisfied. But I want to tell you I do this to hide my sadness, my tears. And you will never ever know that.
I don’t want to reveal My inner self to you. That will make you hurt. It will be difficult for you to think your daughter is going through so much pain. You think I am happy about the future you chose for me, I want you to think that for the rest of your life. I feel satisfied when I see you happy. I never want to tell you that How painful is the very thought of my future for me. I want to respect what you think. I will never break your trust on me. Some times when I came out of the washroom after crying for hours and there was a smile on my face you never recognized I have cried. You never read my eyes you never saw my tears. I felt hurt sometimes that you cant see my sadness but It is good I guess.
I want to tell you how alone I am. I want to tell you that I cry every time I am alone and I think of telling that to someone and sometimes your face come to my mind but I always think this will make you worried about me and I cancel the thought of telling you. I want to tell you that I have faced so many big problems in my life and I solved them with out even letting you know. You think my life is so easy and comfortable I want you to think the same always. I want to see you happy. I use to pray for you after making every prayer. I don’t have any wish for myself. I pray for you and my brothers. You are my life you people are my soul !
Sometimes I wish I could tell you all that. At some point in life, when you hurt me with your words saying ” You don’t feel what we go through for you people ” Or you don’t feel our worries or things like that. I feel an urge to tell you all this. But then I stop. Think of me like you always do…At least that will make you happy. I want your happiness and I am ready to pay the price for it.
You have done so much for us. I want to tell you that I feel your worries. I feel your pain… my heart melts when I see you in some kind of pain and I cry when I am alone and ask help for you from Allah. You know all my wishes revolve around you. I want my dad to get close to Allah. I know He love Allah so much but I want him to start following the right path. I want my brothers to follow the right path and get all the success and happiness in life. I want my mother to get all her wishes come true and all her worries fade out.
I love you mama and daddy. I want to see you happy. I never want you to see the face behind my mask. I want you to think it is the real me.
I will never tell all this to you. Never ever.
I love you !
And I know Some things are better unsaid !!
Your One And Only Daughter !