The Cute Little Angel and Cancer

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I was constantly staring at that cute little fairy wandering in the crowd fearlessly. She was probably 5 or 6 years old, wearing a stunning pink and white dress. Half of her hair were tied in a band while half of them were scattered on the forehead. It was a traditional Mehndi function and the stage In front of the groom was covered in lighted candles fixed in small clay containers. She would go running towards the stage and try to touch those candles and her mother would come to her, pick her up and take her back to the table where her family was sitting. She was eager to touch the candles so whenever her mother would get busy she would run towards the stage.

In that boring purposeless function, the only prettiest thing that indulged me was that beautiful angel. I love babies and children and I always wished I could have a cute baby girl like her. Her Mother gave birth to her brother a month ago. They live in UK and are our relatives.

Today I heard that she is diagnosed with blood Cancer. I was shocked and terrified and I felt like my heart has stopped beating for a while. Such a cute little angel and such a dreadful disease. She is so small so innocent how would she bear such intense pain. My heart is crying for her since I have heard the news, I am worried about her and about her family specially her Mother. How would she see her little angel in such a pain. From where would she collect the courage ?

I can’t express what I am feeling right now. The point of sharing these News with you is only that you pray for her health and her long life. I have heard, and witnessed that prayers are very powerful. If everyone of you who reads my post will pray for her, may be Allah listens and May be He gives her health back to her. After all, He is the merciful and Kind.

Please take out some seconds from your busy life and give her a beautiful gift of Dua. May she recovers very soon. Ameen !

Happy Post # 1

Exams_are_over_LETS_CELEBRATE_by_Loonalily

 

Wandering Eyes and never ending sleepless nights

Headaches ! Restlessness and Severe Hunger at its height

Mind full of questions to inquire about the Mortal life

Blocked brains and frightening Horror filled in eyes

Though enjoyed the time, had fun being a rover

But still, Thank God ! My exams Period is Over ¬†ūüėČ

 

Yes ! I just took (most probably) the last exams of my life. Final presentation is still ahead but unofficially I am retired from studies. Back to home now , with all my luggage . Took a day to clear out the cupboards and draws of my room to make it worth-living again… And my “Cooking 101” and “How to manage Home 101″ Courses have been started by my Mom. Four more months to go !I am having a flu these days with a blocked head and flowing nose ūüėõ *Sneeze*¬†But still, things are better !

I wanted to clear out some things to my dearest readers before replying to their comments on my previous post. First of all, I apologize for being so late in writing and replying to you, as you know I was hell busy ! I read your comments time to time but never got a chance to reply to them.

Secondly, I wanted to clear out the ‘Sad and Always Crying” Image of me, you guys have in your minds. Some months back, when I made this blog , I had a sole purpose of pouring out all the feelings storming inside me because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I did the same, but I never had the idea that I would make so many friends here and would feel like having a ‘virtual’ family. I love all my family members now . Anyway, so when I wrote sad and teary every time when I got sad, I guess people made a concept in their mind that I always remain that heartbroken and pessimistic.

I want to tell you guys, I am a (Its hard to say myself normal for me , so I would skip that) person like other persons of the world who sometimes suffer from depression and is extra sensitive to things I observe but that doesn’t make me an “always sad” person. I don’t have anyone to talk to and I love sharing my feelings with this blog. I can never wear a mask and pretend on this blog at-least. Yes, I , most of the time come to this blog when I am feeling worse. And I crave less to share happiness than to share my pain , but that’s not my fault.

You want me to write happy ? Ok I will. But then I won’t be honest. I would feel like I am connecting with you people the same way I connect myself , or to be precise pretend myself to be with other people in my life.

I can’t say I am sad, nor can I say I am happy ! I feel what I feel… Have sometimes a whole happy day, sometimes a whole day crying and sometimes a “crying at times, and smiling at others” day. ¬†I am Thankful to God for everything , I stay happy and I laugh too ! Its just that I share more when I cry.I AM like that….. I feel hard to change myself.¬†So I would leave the decision to you guys….What do you want me to write ?

Love you all…. Thanks for staying with me always and remembering me. I Love You ! *Sneeze*

I Miss You Today !

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Zoomed-in Human Eye

In my eyes , in the form of tears, you come

Slide your hands through my cheeks , glum

Gather on my neck , kissing it, make me frozen !

 

I dive into the past , those moments pleasant

The few days passed with you, make them my present

See them through my eyes, smile with contentment

 

Then I see the future, my life with open eyes

I get scared , I shiver, a wave of pain arise

It seems empty , hollow and barren without you inside

 

I miss you today, as today can be the last

To miss you or to talk about ‘our’ past

As I am losing that ‘tiny’ right on you today, alas !

 

Eyes are so beautiful , so why they do the hardest task

Of seeing through time, of becoming windows for the pain vast

Of becoming the mirror for the feelings in heart’s glass

 

The bright colors of eyes are insufficient for me to see you

I adore you, be with you and In my heart I see you

I love you and no beauty of eye is required for me to love you

 

This day is the day of pain, the day of finally getting realization

As I hang , between ‘Him’ and you through time of coadunation

You don’t belong to me, why there is still this strong connection ?

 

Memories of The past and The present have jumped on me

Eating my flesh, taking away my strength, they stabbed me

Alone, powerless and hopeless here in the dark they just left me…

 

And like every time I just realized, Missing him wasn’t a good idea !! The lines above may be absurd to you, As ‘myself’ is for me. But this was all I had. Sometimes words are not sufficient to describe what you feel. In fact they are not sufficient at all.

 

 

 

 

Turning To A Zombie

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Days purposeless, lifeless

Nights sleepless, weep-less

Mind powerless, thinking-less

Heart feeling-less, emotionless

Eyes tear-less, fearless

A little brain making me alive

Turning to a Zombie, I survive

Those awake nights with tears

Have disappeared in fog

But still I stand filled with fears

With all the hollowness and less hope

I flow with the flow of life

A zombie walk on streets

He hunt people to survive

And I get my own meat to eat

Mind collapsed, fainted, wrecked

They hold secret of eternal life in it

Depression, pain and schizophrenic attacks

My forever friends no longer dwell

My life has possessed some weird days

A state between happiness and hell

A zombie life is indeed pleasant

Nothing to feel, Nothing to repent

Life is turning to a meaningless dream

Awareness-less, Search-less, direction-less

Praying , longing…… for pain, for screams

As Pain takes everything, gives everything, doubtless !

‘Heartache’

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Caustic heavy heart beat drumming in ears

The very choking breath full of fears

The restlessness, hopelessness, pain arise

Rubbing hands, Hollowness, tears in eyes

 

The severe agony thinking about the future

The regrets while peeking into the past

Eating my heart like beetles eat wood

Not letting me do, what I should !

 

The wish to have a wound on my body

The urge to scratch it hard with nails

That pain would kill the pain in heart

The blood would cause the heartache frail

Stepping singly on the graves of wishes

Each one arises and cause acute affliction

Somewhere deep down a part of heart itches

Takes me back to the endless expedition

The questions bubble into my mind

Like the sky with soft white clouds aligned

Am I bipolar , mystic , schizophrenic , wacky brain ?

Or I am just having the ‘Heartache’ again.

Walking Wounded-feet………….

contagion_by_elisanth-d5ffxhw

Walking wounded-feet on the sand of life

Soul tired , bearing thorn pricks, of grief

Brain hemorrhage, Heart Attack, A blood vomit, Death

Needed , But, Instead, I get

Darkness, Wrinkled Forehead, Teary Red Stone Eyes

Dragging Life Over spines, Crying Silence, Stabbed Heart

Lifeless , Hollow, Devastated, Bruised , Me !

Is it possible to make heart, a stone ?

To get rid of this burning wound blown ?

Who are the people who suffer pain

Parlous Diseases do they gain

Which let them forget the inner pain

What is the feel of watching blood of own-self

Dripping down of arm while eyes engulf

Do people who drink, forget their suffering ?

These burning eyes, Heavy head, pinching nerves

Is there a cure to decrease their verve ?

What do needles and injections do to hysterical people

Do they ease their panic delirious, distress steeples ?

A pinching voice,  a cry, a scream ruptures my head

Why ? What ? How to stop it ? No………….. questions are led

I presume I have a mental disorder, I am a psycho patient

And I need to stop walking wounded-feet

I need cure, I need medicine, I need medication for my life !!

 

 

 

The One Night When A Miracle Happened !

The Calm After A Storm

The Calm After A Storm

She was angry with Him for several days , She recalled.  They were not talking for some days. The occasional phone calls they used to do everyday for some minutes were aborted.

She was feeling something inside her that day. She couldn’t recognize what it was. It was chasm, exhaustion,anxiety or what it was ? She was not sure. She was looking at the phone repeatedly with a gap of some moments. The feeling was in-suppressible. She couldn’t move her eyes off the phone. Her hand moved towards it for a moment and then reverts back. She wasn’t sure whether to call him or not. She was restless and distressed but she couldn’t tell him . She recalled, She was angry with him !

At the evening she found her self  irresistible. She never felt that intense feeling before ever. She wanted to tell him about what she was feeling. She picked up her phone and dialed his number. She could hear the noise of her heart hammering hard in her ears. She was making up words in her mind to talk to him. The bell rang, twice, thrice and the phone was picked up from the other side !

As she tried to speak, She heard harsh loud noise coming from the other side of phone. She couldn’t figure out what it was.She tried to speak but random words came out of her mouth. Then she heard his feeble trembling voice echoing into her mind I just met with an accident a minute ago He was crying loud with pain and she was hearing it. She tried to speak but nothing came out of her mouth. He hung up. This all happened in such an instance.

She recalled she was angry with him ! She recalled he told her, he had to go to the next city in his car to pick up his brother today. She recalled he use to drive rash and she always kept advising him to drive slow. She recalled ¬†he was everything to her. He was her love, her life, her soul. He was everything ! She recalled, she starts crying every time she saw him crying . She thought…….He is in pain right now…..Extreme pain.

She couldn’t breathe. she was suffocating. She felt like someone is pressing her neck with both hands.

Where is he now ? How is he ? Did anyone came to help him ? Is he bleeding ? He will be bleeding . His blood…. There would be a lot of blood. Is he alright ? How is he ? He must be in pain ….. What should I do ? What can I do ? I don’t know where He is. I should call some one to ask him to go help him. To whom should I call ? No one knows about us. I should go there . How can I ? I……I am helpless……. A lot of questions and answers were exploding in her mind. Her mind was not accepting what she just heard. He must be joking…..But the pain in his voice ?

She felt, she is going to die. She dialed his number again. Her hands were shivering this time. He accepted the call but she realized he didn’t took the phone to his mouth. Their were noises, there were people asking him about his name and his father’s name. He was crying , screaming with pain. She felt the misery in his voice when he was saying his father’s name. She felt her heart bursting out. Her nails were pinned into her own hands in her fist. She was trying to absorb the pain but it was increasing with his screams. Her lips were under her teeth , pressed forcefully. She was in extreme pain. She felt the same pain he may be feeling right now. She called his name loudly but there was no response. The call was cut off again.

She remembered, recently she heard about so many of her relatives died in car accidents. She hated herself for thinking about that but couldn’t help it. She got up off her bed and started walking in the room, crying hard. She found herself screaming out loud. The walls of her room were trying to absorb her voice but they failed. She screamed for some time and then she felt herself tired. She was still crying. Her eyes were red , bulged out and nose was swelled. She was rubbing her hands again and again restlessly. Her one leg was moving speedily as if she is trying to calm her down but she wasn’t succeeding.

She recalled she was angry with him !

She looked again at the phone in her hands. This phone is the only source connecting me with him ? She thought. More warm big tears came out of her eyes and fell on the phone. What should I do ? He is in pain……He is in extreme pain….and I….. I am sitting here…..I can’t be with him right now…..I can’t see him right now……I can’t do anything for him……..She started crying more loudly. She was holding her hair hard in her fists. He is in pain………He could die ? No I won’t let him die……I won’t.

She wiped her tears brutally off her face and started praying to God. The One God who placed him in her heart. Who gave her the Love of human. The one God who caused this problem and He is the Only one who can solve it, She thought. She started praying. Prayer after prayer every prayer with a purpose of saving his life. She asked Him in the name of His book, His Prophet, to save his life. She bowed in front of Him . She was crying loud. Please save him. Please lessen his pain. Please take away his pain. Please help him finding doctor. Please protect him. She was begging , she was begging.

I need a Miracle. She found herself saying this. I want a Miracle. You do Miracles for your men. Today I need it. You have created me and you are responsible for my every suffering. I have never asked you anything forcefully. I always wanted your consent. I am asking today. forcefully , not to harm him. I beg you, I need a Miracle. I will be Thankful to you all my life. Take my life and give it to him.She begged and begged. She couldn’t find more words but she was begging with the same words again and again.

This was the night she realized, How much this person means to her. She realized she could live without him if she see him healthy and contented but She can’t see him dying. She realized she want to see him happy and peaceful. She realized how important he was to her. She realized, how obstructed she is. She realized How hard her hands are tied and she realized, she was not worth than a grain of sand !

She was scared of Him. Very much scared. How powerful He was, What couldn’t ¬†He do ? ¬†How merciful He was, What didn’t He do ? He knew how to keep human, a human . With anger or with mercy, He knows how to keeps human in his limits !

She traveled a long journey of ecstasy towards pain in this short night. ¬†She traveled from complication to perception. She was chosen to see the real face of life. She was chosen to know the hidden ugly secrets. The truth was revealed to her in one night. Her importance was made clear to her in one night. Her capability was clear.¬†Pain, anxiety,agony, discomfort, misery,convulsion, distress, affliction,hurt…………. what feeling was left for her to go through. She was entering into a new phase of life with a new meaning of it. She couldn’t think. Her thinking capability was ¬†fading because of crying hard for a long time. She realized its been three hours she is crying.

She started walking again in her room. She felt her mind and body convulsed. She sat in a corner of the room , contracting herself. Her eyes were centered onto a virtual point, gazing. She was scared of the future. She was scared what is going to happen. She was afraid, She was frightened to the extent. She found herself dialing the number again. He picked up this time, He spoke. She was burst into tears and she started crying again. She asked Him while crying How he was. He said,I am fine now and I am in a hospital. I will call you when I will reach home I can’t talk right now . Don’t worry.”

These were not words she just heard. She heard the call of peace and happiness. She heard the flowers blossoming . She heard the cool wind whispering. She heard all the loveliest sounds of the world , altogether. She found herself bowing on the ground where she was sitting a second ago. She found herself shedding tears again, but this time the tears were of joy, of happiness and of thankfulness. She kept in that state for several minutes Thanking Her God what He did for Her. She was Thankful , He made her His slave, for the rest of her life.

She asked for a Miracle, And It happened !

After some hours She received a call from him. He told her all about the accident. He told her She was the first one to call him, at the moment he met the accident. He asked her , How did you came to know about this?  She had no answer but tears in her eyes.

He broke a bone near his neck. Had some scratches on the knee and some other body parts but he was safe. The car was destroyed badly. No body was believing he survived after such a bad accident. Doctor advised him to take complete bed rest and some medicines. She was talking to him. She had no words to tell him what she went through in the past hours. She was trying to upraise him, cheer him up. You will be fine soon. He was crying and she was not. She was consoling him . There were tears in her eyes but she wasn’t losing hope. She was feeling extreme love for him right now in her heart . She felt an urge to hug him. He was under the influence of medicines so he slept while talking to her.

She was listening to his breath. She realized how important his running breath was to her. Her heart was filled with tears and they were coming out of her eyes but there was peace. She looked at the sky out of the window. Night was passed , the sun was coming out.

There was silence and calm, like the calm after a big storm passes.

She recalled she was angry with him. Was she ?

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*This story may seem like a fiction to you but it is true. It is my Story. Each and Every word of it is true. I was not comfortable writing it with ‘I’ so I wrote it with ‘she’. I have re-lived the same moments today as I was writing this story, that I lived then. I am feeling so tired after writing it……Replaying my life makes me tired. I hope I have done justice with it ūüôā

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Life Is About Making People Happy

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Once some one asked an old man , ” You are so old now, your hair have turned white, but I see you happier than other people. You don’t seem to be unhappy with your life like others. Is it fake ? ”

He replied , ” I have to pass my life, whether laughing or crying. Life would pass if I cry and it would pass if I laugh. If we have to pass our life with our consent then why pass it crying ? ”

It made me think he was right. Life seems complicated to us because we can’t see its inner beauty.

Life is like a walk to the beach Some people go there to search for shells and in the morning . ¬†Right after sun rises they find pearls scattered all over the sand. Some people go there in search of pearls , they sometimes dive deep into the water but they find every shell empty. Life and sea both are too suspenseful. They are not under man’s wishes.

Life is something very strange. It gives things and takes things. It gives rain to the sea but takes water from it to make clouds.  It takes a lot of effort from farmers and gives them crops. It gives water and minerals to a stem and takes flower out of it. It takes a lot of love from the parents for their children and gives parents the wish to see their children according to what parents dream.

Life is full of colors, like a beautiful newly blossomed flower. With all the colors and shine, It pleases the eyes only if eyes want to be pleased. Life is easy for the people who search for happiness in every moment of it. And difficult for people like me, who want to remain in their misery . Who are not willing to get over their pain and step forward to enjoy life. They sit in front of the same closed door , knock and knock again in the hope that it will open some day. They don’t see the door that was opened when the first one was closed. They are blind folded. They get their part of happiness from life after covering a long long journey.

I once read, “Do what you have to do. Don’t do what you wish for or is your desire. You will feel difficulty in doing it at first. But then “what you have to do” will become what you wish to do. This is the source of happiness and peace ”

When a person decides to start the journey of life, he always chooses the easiest path. He never plans to go higher so that he may be scared to come back down. He just starts his journey. The one who don’t fights with life, gets his destination very easily.

Life is easy if we don’t poke into others matters and if we engage our minds in thinking about ourselves and not other people. If we don’t point out other people’s bad habits and attitudes and just concentrate in making our habits and attitudes good. If we don’t talk about people in their backs. If we don’t gossip about what other people are doing and saying. Life is about pleasing people . Once the people are happy with you , you will be happy automatically. Although making people is very difficult but we can at least try.That is why keeping silent is said to be the best way to avoid problems in your life. Make you inner self good, your outer self will become good automatically.

Life is beautiful if we know howto extract its beautiful-ness out of it ! Do small pretty things for the people around you. Prepare some recipe  for your mom. Text a friend and tell them how they mean to you so much. Buy a card , write some sweet things on it and put it in your fathers room. Buy a small everyday use gift for your brothers. Give the dress or something from your make up to your sister which she likes the most and hug her. Kiss your daughter and tell her You Love her. Do sweet things to people like listening to their problems and suggest possible solutions to them. Care for them, when they are sick and they need you. Take some time out from your life may be at weekends and help a poor child study. While going shopping, give some money to the poor children . Try to make people around you happy. Stop caring about yourself only !

Thinking bad about people, making Conspiracies about them, Making them feel bad with your words and realizing them their mistakes, ¬†causing troubles for them indirectly and doing things which helps you but cause problems to people make life ugly . Every one has problems in one’s life. But no one faces problems more than he can carry . Overcoming the pain and extracting happiness out of life is the real task !

True Happiness :)

True Happiness ūüôā

Be happy and make people around you happy. This is message of the day.

“Go With The Flow” VS “The Positive Theory”

I was once talking to a friend. He told me a story.

He said I was once sitting with a friend and He asked me how is everything going ?

And I replied ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ” Just going with the flow”.

He then replied ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†¬† ” Only dead straws go with the flow”

That was thought provoking. I use to apply the same theory to my life. Whenever my heart pinches me, I don’t want this to happen to you. I used to tap it gently and said ‘”just go with the flow”.

Whenever there was some problem in my life, I used to say to myself ¬†“just go with the flow”.

Whenever I feel depressed and broken and find no way out, I wanted things to get normal again, I put my head down and remind myself of “just go with the flow” thing.

Now I feel I was dead from inside and I never tried to wake up myself. my mind and heart were dead. And i had accepted that death of them I was living with dead inner self.

But now, at the age of almost 22, I feel it wrong. I was wrong in thinking about my future. I was wrong in thinking about what will happen to me next and why. I used to think whatever happens to me, I deserved it ! It was due to what I did in the past. But I was being negative !! I was hopeless !!

I noticed one of my friends. I have seen her being negative about so many things but she never thought negative about her future. She always says something good will happen to me, she never felt hopeless like me. Even she use to dream really big about her future life. And I have seen her every wish coming true. Even I feel it like a miracle. We use to make fun of her like she has a losers approach or something. She always said she don’t try but she wishes , and her wishes comes true. Trying with wishing will make it even better I guess !!

I have noticed so many people who apply just go with the flow theory in their life and do nothing , wish nothing and pray nothing for it. On the other hand, people doing nothing but thinking positive got success!

Once I read about the positive energy. They say whenever you think something about anything very much, It will eventually come to you. Like when you will think positively, all the positive energies of universe will collectively start trying to get that thing to you … and eventually that will come to you. And this is true. The same happens when you think negative about something. Our mind emits positive and negative rays as we think and these rays eventually become a cause to get that thing for us. There is some science involved in it. As many secrets of universe are yet to be revealed, it may be one of them.

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