The Monster Inside Us !

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Yes I am thinking that way now ? How negative …. Right ?

Let me tell you the story behind these thoughts.

The Monster in my story hacked my email account and Facebook about 8 months ago. He stole all  my pictures and started black mailing me. He asked me the phone number or any contact of one of my college friends but I didn’t give it to him. He had nothing to do with me, nothing at all. Even he didn’t know me well and I had no idea who he was. I have never seen him. He used to scare me saying he will do bad to my pictures and he sent some of them to me, photo shopped !  And he was enjoying all this. He was having fun by scaring me. I was scared to hell ! I am the kind of girl who never puts her picture as a display picture in her own Facebook. And it was hard to bear all this torch-er he was causing me. And after some time he disappeared.

Recently He attacked again on my emails and Facebook but he was failed due to my security measures. He was able to get into one email account and I deleted it. He was out raged and tried to black mail me with the same pictures again. But thanks to a friend, who didn’t let it happen. I have passed some bad days in fear. All I saw was fear everywhere. It was hard but As they say every cloud has a silver lining !

The point I was thinking about is, He may be a Monster for me. He may be bad for me. But He would be a good loving son to his mother, A caring brother to his siblings and an obedient son to his father ! His family would have never seen the Monster inside him. He can be a Monster for the whole world, but when it comes to his family, he is a good guy like others. Why ?

Because there is a monster inside each one of us ! We behave bad sometimes to some people and we are the best for some other people. Sometimes, time matters and at other times , people matters but we are all the same ! The Monster inside us forces us to do things he want. And we are all scared of revealing this monster to the people we love. We try to hide this monster from the people we care about. The thought that what would happen to us, if our loved ones come to know what are we from inside, scares us to death !

I am reminding a true story right now in my mind. There was a man living with his family near our house. He was caring and loving to his family like everyone. And then I heard the news. One day he entered his home with an axe in his hand. He first cut the legs and necks of his own daughters. Then cut his son and wife too with the same axe. Police caught him and when they asked him the reason behind what he did. He said, It wasn’t me. Something forced me to do this and it prevailed my mind so badly that I lost my thinking power. And I did that. He was crying hard with pain. Pain that his Monster caused to him and The thought that the thing he did, can never be re-winded !

The Monster I just talked about,was a big one ! We all have small monsters hidden inside us. Some Monsters become happy when they see the others in pain. Some monsters become happy when they can irritate the people under them Some monsters are of the kind that they enjoy seeing the misery of other people. Some Monsters become happy when they see people less successful then they are . Some Monsters are happy when they see other people failing in things they are passed. The ways are different, But almost all monsters want the same. They are bad, and watching bad things happening to people around them makes them happy.

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Ego is the best friend of these Monsters and Mutiny is the best mate. They grow bigger taking the shoulders of Ego. That is why I have heard Senior people saying that There is no ego and self respect in Love. If you Love someone with all your heart , whether it is the human love or the real Love, You have to sacrifice your Ego. And Love is a feeling where no Monster can exist.

You may be disagreeing with my point. We see a lot of people around us who are good to everyone. We can’t even think there can be any bad thing inside them . We respect them with all our heart.  The thing is, they are successful in suppressing the monster inside them. The more the one is successful in suppressing it, the more he succeeds in becoming a good person.

Take some time from your busy life and think ! Think what were the places where your monster took the charge and He let you do bad things. Things you regret and You want to go back and erase them . The things you think you would never do if you have a chance now. There are many things in my life too. Now try to understand the nature of your monster. How he behaves at some points when He want you to do evils. There may be some specific areas you need to work on. If you have figured them out, Try to think about them in your mind, that you won’t let your monster took over it again. You are strong enough to fight against your monster. Once this thought is settled in your mind, The Monster will be grounded forever !

We fight daily with our monster. He says us to do a thing and then our conscious and heart says no it is wrong and we leave it. If we see it in the light of religion, Then it is our ‘Nafs’ Who is the Monster. You all are aware of it. It is said repeatedly by Allah to suppress our ‘Nafs’. People who are successful in suppressing it, are the good ones in eyes of Allah. But we are so trapped in the puzzle of our ‘Nafs’ that we are forgetting the good inside us. We grow our ‘Nafs’ daily by letting him eat our good. He do what he wants, all day long.  “Nafs’ would be the biggest reason for our sufferings. It may let us enjoy here, But we will be caught in its trap hereafter !

I see a lot of mass killings happening all around the world. A lot of innocent children are murdered in front of their mothers. Many girls are raped in-front of their fathers. People go for their work and they are shot by unknown people. Robberies, thefts and Kidnapping are on their peak. No one feels safe now. The people who are so called ‘rulers’ of us, are doing nothing but eating pop-corns and watching these things like we watch a movie. Why is that so ? Are these the Monsters who are trying to undertake the whole world ? Is the power of good so less that it can’t control the power of evil ? I don’t think so.

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Well that is a joke ! It may be the matter of time. All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. At this time it may look like the evil is going to succeed but at the last , good always wins ! I hope that truth is stronger in the end than any evil or misfortune in the world.I am waiting for that time. I have hope in me, I know I will see the sun of good rising one day. Sometimes I wonder, is there something like “Karma” in this world ?

An Interview Of Self Awareness With My Own Self !

247453_572584826108637_1821527186_nIn a dark room covered with a sheet of sheer silence and stillness, I lie on my bed gazing at the fan on the ceiling. The hammering of my own heart is filling my ears. A thousand thoughts are exploding in my mind like shards of broken glass that are shattering the stillness. My eyes are narrowing to thin slits, full of derision. Every thing seems still outside, but there are extreme explosions happening inside.

Suddenly I felt, there is someone sitting right beside me. A girl like me. Her face was like a barren land on which it hasn’t been raining since long. Or like small rigid stones attached together to make a face. Her hair were Rusty, and out dazzled. Her eyes were bulging out , of dark red color. She was altogether scary, like a witch from a fairy tale.

An icy chill ran up my spine and my blood felt cold to me. Stunned, I felt an urge to scream loud. But I can’t, I was in shock. Th shock induced a faint trembling and I drew a long breath to overcome my fear. I bent my neck slowly towards her face and Asked her “Who are you and Why are you here ? ”

She, after a while, Pulled her face upward and struck her hair behind her ears with her fingers. Blood was coming out of her eyes and there was  something in her eyes that made me scared, Not because of fear, but because of the Misery I  saw in her eyes. She spoke slowly, “Look at my face, into my eyes. Don’t you see Who am I ?”

I slide some closer towards her . As I took a closer look , I was astounded to see her face was my face. Her eyes were my eyes and her hair were my hair. She was me ! How is that possible ? I am sitting right beside my own self ? But I wasn’t in a dream .It was all real. I , the other I, was real too ! I felt cold. I couldn’t feel my hands and feet, and when I opened my mouth to speak no words came, in fact I was not able to make any sound at all.

At last after a while of fight with my own self, I decided to have a conversation with my self. I tried to ask her some questions. Questions which were  always unanswered and I was in eternal search of their answers. I opened my mouth, and an unfamiliar sound came out this time. My voice shattered the silence as I spoke. I started questioning her, Myself, My Reflection.

I: Who Am I ? What is my importance in this world ?

My Reflection: Sometimes in life, we reach a point where every relationship ends.  Only we are left alone with Allah there. Mother, father, brother, sister friend, no one is there. Then we come to know there is no land underneath  our feet and no sky above our head. There is only Allah who is still holding us  in air. Then we come to know we are not worth than a grain in a pile of mud  or a small leaf on a big tree. Then we come to know it makes no difference  to anyone whether we are here or not. The one who get affected, is our self. There is no change in the whole universe, nothing changes . This is me, This is my worth !

I:Why do people think bad of me ?

My reflection: I am a scandalized and stigmatized girl in eyes of everyone. Because People often don’t accept you when you choose the right path. You have to give exam at every point of your life and this is one of the exams.

I:Why can’t I forget the one who is not mine ?

My reflection: I have no control on my heart nor on my tears. It was Allah who gave him  a place in my heart. He put so much love for a human in my heart that  I always pray for him In front of Allah. He made me so miserable.
I am a human and I am made with all the weaknesses which are a characteristic of humans. That human love is standing in my every path. He is not allowing me to go anywhere. I wish Allah make his love vanish from my heart in a way that I
can’t even think of him for the rest of my life or He make my love mine.  I will cry for his love all my life if I don’t get him. I want to make my  tears pure for  Allah. I want to love Allah with all my heart. Make my tears pure. Ease my pain. I wish and I beg !

I: Why didn’t Allah gave me my Love?

My Reflection: If there is no integrity and sincerity in love, You can’t get it. I loved him with all the truth and sincerity. But integrity of one side wasn’t enough to achieve The ultimate truth, Love. May be Allah has to give you His love in exchange of your human Love !

I: What is next to ecstasy ?

My Reflection:”Pain”

I: What is next to pain ?

My Reflection: “Nothingness”

I: What is next to nothingness?

My Reflection: “Hell”

I: What is next to hell?

My Reflection: You are not scared ?

I: Of what?

My Reflection: Of hell? There is nothing next to it. Everything is left  behind .You have faced a time when you understood everything. you have stopped laughing now. you are scared, of death and of hell. You don’t realize  it yet. You are hanging in between pain and nothingness. Try to move back on this path. You don’t want hell, you shouldn’t ! The face behind your fake mask is me. You have chosen the right path, now stick to it. You have all the answers of your questions, You just don’t have the courage to face and fight with the reality. Avoiding despair and hoping  key to success.

Then she brought out a shining pearl out of  her pocket, She called it hope.  She put that pearl slightly in my hand and folded my hand with her fingers. She came close to me, Closer enough and got absorbed in my body . There was silence all over again and My fast breath was trying to shatter it. I found myself covered with heavy sweat and My eyes were wide open. I saw a mask right where she was sitting some time ago. I picked it up and put it on my face.

I was sleeping, again like always. Sleep….That make me forget myself for some time.

I went through the process of self-awareness  and I had a small pearl in my hand. A pearl that seems to be  the solution of every problem ! At least to me !

“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

― C.G. Jung

Note: The answers by ‘My reflection’ were inspired by the famous novel “Peer-e-kamil (PBUH)” By Umera Ahmed. I love this novel and I love it more every time I read it.

Late Night Thoughts !

Dark Beautiful Night

Dark Beautiful Night

Standing along the hall way on the second floor in front of my room. It is dark out there.  With the cool breeze passing by me, I look  towards the sky. How can it be so calm and silent ? I question  myself and suddenly burst into tears ! With my lips folded , I am trying to hold back my tears but I can’t. I sat down along the pillar. With tears falling all over my cheeks I started thinking why am I crying. A lot of questions came into my mind and more tears came out. I can hear the echo of questions more clearly now.

I once showed my hand to a girl who knew watching hands with a promise not to tell about my future but just present. She said your mind thinks in so various dimensions at a time. Also you are very sensitive. I feel both things true right now. There are many things going on in my mind. I don’t even decide about which to think of in detail. I just want to know the answers. Why am I not so calm and quiet like this sky, like this night. I am the same dark from inside like this night is and I hide many secrets inside me like this night does.Then why can’t I find peace like this night has in it ?

I just wipe of my tears brutally with my hands and started thinking over again. What am I ? Who am I ? What am I supposed to be ? What should I do ? I am running out of answers. Why do my heart always pinches me inside whenever I see or read something I wished in the past ? Is that wish still inside my heart making me helpless and weak ? I don’t know.

How would I live with the things I never wished about but know they would be a part of my life soon ? Am I that brave ? I guess not. There is fear, there is pain and there is misery. Yes I am scared of my future. I am scared of revelation of my inner self to people who care about me. My mask of happiness is bruised now. It is breaking and I can’t help it.

Is hope an answer to that ? Have I lost hope or Still have it somewhere hidden in my heart ? I can’t think of it. I don’t know it. I am closing my eyes I can’t see my self destroying. It hurts !! It hurts a lot! I wonder why everything seems so deep at night like I feel myself ?

I see people around me with laughter and smiles , playing around with their life and having fun. Then why do I always feel the need to cry ? I want to cry hard right now, I want to scream . I want to take out all the tears and worries and pain inside me all at once. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to console me. to listen to me whatever meaningless things I say. To be with me whatever I say not to leave me alone. And I have no one. I forgot I was like this night, It is alone too.  It can see my real face , it looks right into my eyes and never judges me.

What was the reason I was sent to this earth? What was the reason I was given those great parents and loving family? What was the reason I got all the people in my life I have now ? What was the reason I got the Love Of God by means of Love of human ? Why am I still hanging in between the God’s Love and Human’s love at a time ? No Answers….. My heart is shedding tears silently and my mind is not responding. Probably it has no answers left. No words to say anything that will calm me down.

I wonder why is my vision getting so blur. Why ca’t I see things clearly ? I want to see the depth of this  beautiful night. Everything become so intense and true at night. I want to ask a few things to it. May be it answers ! Resist, Resist and resist ! That is what I do all the time. I resist to express my feelings. I resist to open up. I resist to get things I like. I resist to do things I want. This resistance was an answer to my worries by my True Love. He said if you resist here in this world, you will get everything in the next one and the next one is far more long and good then this one. I am acting upon it ! It seems hard sometimes but I try my best. He said don’t do things which I don’t like and I try not to do them He said you will succeed if you do what I tell you in my book. I try to follow everything. He says you will find peace if you will come to me five times a day. I do it, but I don’t find peace. I want to know the answer, why ? Why am I still empty handed ?

I know these questions would keep biting me inside until I would be eaten and destroyed completely. I hope My True Love give me answers to these. I want to be with Him. I want to get Him. I love when He talks to me and show me signs. Hope is a single way for me now. Hope brings happiness and hope is the answer, ambiguous but that’s all I have. As Einstein says,   “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

I just saw clouds floating on the sky. They look beautiful. Darkness is getting lighter slowly. I stood up , walk with tired steps towards my bed. Here I sleep , again with headache spreading all over my head and tears making my pillow wet. Another night passed, Hoping for a bright morning to come!

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