The Cute Little Angel and Cancer

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I was constantly staring at that cute little fairy wandering in the crowd fearlessly. She was probably 5 or 6 years old, wearing a stunning pink and white dress. Half of her hair were tied in a band while half of them were scattered on the forehead. It was a traditional Mehndi function and the stage In front of the groom was covered in lighted candles fixed in small clay containers. She would go running towards the stage and try to touch those candles and her mother would come to her, pick her up and take her back to the table where her family was sitting. She was eager to touch the candles so whenever her mother would get busy she would run towards the stage.

In that boring purposeless function, the only prettiest thing that indulged me was that beautiful angel. I love babies and children and I always wished I could have a cute baby girl like her. Her Mother gave birth to her brother a month ago. They live in UK and are our relatives.

Today I heard that she is diagnosed with blood Cancer. I was shocked and terrified and I felt like my heart has stopped beating for a while. Such a cute little angel and such a dreadful disease. She is so small so innocent how would she bear such intense pain. My heart is crying for her since I have heard the news, I am worried about her and about her family specially her Mother. How would she see her little angel in such a pain. From where would she collect the courage ?

I can’t express what I am feeling right now. The point of sharing these News with you is only that you pray for her health and her long life. I have heard, and witnessed that prayers are very powerful. If everyone of you who reads my post will pray for her, may be Allah listens and May be He gives her health back to her. After all, He is the merciful and Kind.

Please take out some seconds from your busy life and give her a beautiful gift of Dua. May she recovers very soon. Ameen !

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Back Here Again !

Hi my beautiful fellows ! I don’t know right now whether any of you still follows my blog or not or whether anyone of you will get to read this post or it will stay here, unnoticed. I have written on my other blog for about 7 months and tonight, I felt like returning back to this one. I can’t figure out why I love this blog so much. May be because this is the place where I used to write with all my heart, where I used to share what I felt without even bothering to give words all the fanciness and glitter. Where I made so many beautiful friends and met so many honest and nice people who helped me in my bad times and never left me alone.

This blog was the place where I used to wander when I was struggling to go through life. When my mind never used to get tired of thinking in new dimensions and above all, when He was with me. When my Allah was with me. I lost Him on my way to pass life and I am struggling to get Him back from then. May be this place helps me to get Him back. May be you people help me to get Him back.

Back then, I wished to get a normal life. Now, I want to get that life back again. I want to get heart broken and I want to get all my pain back. That pain was the reason He was here. It was the reason I was in Love with him and He used to listen to me. It was a part of me and now  I am alone and miserable but I don’t feel that pain. A black hole of abyss is sucking me deep inside and this hollowness in my heart, it grows. I wan’t to cry but I can’t. May be man never gets satisfied with what he gets.

I wish you still read me here. I would be glad to know if you do 🙂 Love you all.

“I Love You” – A Fiction.

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She said, “I need to talk to you !”

And he never did.

He reminisced. Each time she tried to share her feelings he pushed her away. Every time she cried in front of him, he was pissed off. Each time she said that she needed him with her, he disappeared.

He shouts on her , insults her but she never turned away…. she threw her self respect far away for him….And he use all his self respect and ego against her. Whenever they had a fight, he never apologized and talked to her first. And every time she made him realize that after talking and resolving the fight by apologizing first.

Love of Human

Sacrificed Self respect

Butchered ego

Pleasurable pain

Enchanting heartache

Dying Wishes

Trembling smiles

Tranquility

He never knew through how much pain she has to go through to keep poking him with texts and call when she knew he don’t care. She knew he won’t reply but still she kept staring at the screen for a long time and then burst into tears.

“I Love you”

“I Love you too”

These were the words that begun and end there conversation…..and which were the only words to say when they had nothing else left to say to each other…..and these were the words he kept saying to her almost a hundred times a day……

And he recalled, He was not there for her in her most miserable times….. She stopped sharing her pain because she wanted him in her life.

Tears were dropping by his eyes…one by one…..and he was staring in the air…..

He recalled the texts she left for her in these days….She said she wanted to talk to him but he was angry…He was taking a break from her…He never replied….He never talked to her……..He needed time.

He never knew time is a thing no one can have. It doesn’t breathe but it dies.

She shared her feelings once again this time and like always…..He turned his back on her. He stopped talking…He needed time. She kept talking….. She needed him.

But she had no time left…….

He wiped away his tears , put that red flower on her fresh grave and whispered , ” I Love you and I knew you would wait for me” .

Haunting regrets were all he was left with.

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* P.S Adrift : No, this is not FOR you…. This is ABOUT me. Couldn’t come up with anything better in this misery.

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Repentance, With Love.

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A black heart, dirty soul, tear filled eyes and trembling hands….. That is all I have. I don’t worth standing in front of you…. And still I am here….. I don’t deserve your mercy….. Yet still I am begging for it.

You are The Beneficent, you are The Merciful, You are The Almighty,  You are Kind. You Love me more than every single person in the world.

I do sins and I repent. You forgive me. I do sins again an I repent again and you forgive me. How would I ever be able to return you what you have been doing for me all my life ?

And here I am…begging you again with a bundle of sins on my shoulders….. I need you with me….I need to talk to you.

I know you are angry with me. And I know you will forgive me again. This feeling is all I have….More than a treasure for me. I need the exams you take from me…I need the difficulties…I need the problems….. I have realized what you always say that exams are for special persons to whom you want to give something other than ordinary.

I have realized, a life full of comfort and happiness is nothing….. I have realized I am nothing without you….

I know the difference now when you take my exams and when you punish me….I have recognized the feeling…. I want to have more….

I want to indulge in Ishq-e-haqiqui…..I want to be your ‘Muqarab’…… I want to Live this life for you….. I know my Wishes are huge…But same is your personality Allah….and I know I am wishing it from you…… You are Almighty.

I Love you Allah tala jee I Love you….Please forgive me…..

I am running out of words…..But you know what is going on in my heart…..I don’t know fancy words to attract you….I just have a plain simple heart and soul who is filled with your Love…..You know me Allah tala and I know you will respond…..

I just want to tell you I am embarrassed….I can’t lift up my eyes…..I am feeling ashamed of myself…..and I love you.

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Ek din Hazrat Moosa (A.S) ne Allah se kaha k mai Aapki Rehmat aur insan k gunah dekhna chahta hn Allah ne frmaya Peche dekho, Dekha to ek bohot bare Samandar k andar 1 drakht par 1 chirya apne mou mai mitti le kr bethi hai,

Hazrat Moosa (A.S) ne kaha ye kya.

Allah ne farmaya,

ye Samandar meri Rehmat hai aur ye drakht dunya , ye chirya insan aur us k mo mai jo thori c mitti hai wo us k Sare Gunah hain. Agar ye apna mo khol kr mitti(Gunah) pani mai gira de to meri Rehmat ko koi farq nhi parta. To kyun na insan touba kre aur main maaf na kron, insan to Naadan hai.

[ One day Hazrat Moosa (R.A) said to Allah that I want to see your blessing and human’s sins. Allah asked him to see behind. He saw a huge sea and a tree inside it, a sparrow sitting on that tree and some mud in its mouth.

Hazrat Moosa (A.S) said what is this ?

Allah said,

This sea is my blessings and this tree is this world, this sparrow is human being and the dirt in its mouth is all his sins. If this sparrow opens it’s mouth and throw all the dirt in water, it won’t effect my blessings . Then why not a human repents and I forgive him ? As human is unknowing.

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I should laugh.

What should I call myself ? Huh !

A loser ? A psycho patient ? A dumb idiot ? Sorry I can’t come up with a better word.

My life has been a total disaster…..I have been living in the house of my own imaginations.

All my life I thought I shouldn’t show my tears to my parents…I shouldn’t share my problems with the….They should never see me crying….. Why ? Because I thought they might get worried….I thought I have never given them any happiness so I have no right to give them pain because of me.

And today I am laughing at my thoughts. I am making fun of my own self…..

I was lying on my bed….crying and sobbing…..Reason was my parents.

They stood in the the door way…watching me. And then they left. They didn’t even say a word.  They didn’t even ask why am I crying.

They didn’t even thought I am dying for their one sentence of sympathy and care.

I am witnessing the pile of my imagination about my parents scattered on the ground right now….. And I am laughing…..

Happiness means smiling and laughing….Yeah?

So I am happy……I am so happy.

Because I know now, my parents don’t give a F*** !!

I was wandering in a black hole with no start or end and suddenly I am at the dead end !

(16th november 2013….A post written while crying and in extreme emotional imbalance)

Happy Birth Day My Love !

kiss i love you happy valentines day  comic cartoon ecards 3d gif animation Hearts rise from boy and girl kissing Friendship Hello Valentine animations valentine Royalty Free Clipart

Happy Birth Day My Love !

Purity of a dew drop, Softness of petals of rose

Freshness of flowers and their glamorous glows

Exquisite diamond that is one of its kind

Put them together and our Love will be defined

 

No matter how grievous our lives become

We stayed together in melancholy and glum

Multiplied our happiness, divided our sorrow

Solved our problems though how big they grow

 

The world may have no place , no respect for ‘us’

We hold hands tight for the uniqueness we possess

Love may be pain for us, Life; bitter and vicious

Dreams may be poignant , Wishes; ferocious

 

But don’t worry Love, their would be a time

When we ll laugh and our heart beats ll rhyme

When we ll have a home of our wishes and dream

When we ll be in heaven thanking the Supreme

 

You were the one who taught me to live, love and smile

Held my finger, fought with me, took me close to Allah’s aisle

You gave me the best memories, The best moments to adore

You are the sweetness in my life, the only bliss that grows more

 

The passionate kiss, the warm hug, the fine touch

The intimacy, the security in your arms pleases much

Worth the world’s Finest diamonds and precious pearls

Just remember: you are not guilty for my life’s bad whirls

 

The time we spent, The things we do, the bits we share

Are enough for me to hold on to, about what I do care

I will lay my future life’s foundation on these

As I needed ‘YOU’ in my life , not comfort and ease

 

May you live happy, May all your worries be gone

May you start a new life; with every day, a fresh dawn

I Love you and ll miss you forever, I am just here to say

Wish you a very gratified and joyous BIRTHDAY !!

The Black Rose

Black-Rose

Under the shadows of savage life , deep inside the dark forest.

A black rose possessed its tragic existence.

It was out cast and unwanted despite all its fragrance and radiance , It never fits in the relinquishing blooms.

It was cultivating loneliness in the presence of the whole forest and hence loneliness was out-grown !

It was growing thorns since the beginning as it always knew the one who dares not grasp the thorn should never crave the rose….

No one watered it, It nourished on its own till its ravishing bloom appeared…..It was always taken ‘For Granted’ and it bestowed an ancient confidence.

And one day it started burning but no one had time to grieve over it because they were busy admiring the forest…

All it ever wanted was to reach out and touch the hearts of other roses…. It wanted some Love but it forgot that all great and precious things are always lonely in the forest.

Its eyes were glued on life and they were full of tears…. It bled tears and its petals absorbed them silently…. It never gave a plaintive cry but its silence was deafening !

Slowly with the prolonged grief, the petals became pale. Autumn prevailed over it…in spring !

And then ‘Black’ was gone… All that was left was pinching thorns and pale stems. It followed the quickest path of self-destruction that was to push away all the loved ones, all the wishes.

The descent stripped it bare and left it as it was at its core, It was painful… It was abashed, ruined.

Black was gone… The beauty was gone…. The lustrous shine was turned to painful sighs…

The Black Rose was a part of the forest now !

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I have been busy these days in final presentation and stuff. I will reply to your comments as soon as I get free. I hope you will not mind and stay with me . Wish me luck. Thanks !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Rhyme of Heaven and ‘Him’

 

paradise-waterfall-wallpaper-1440-900-6540 Lakes Of Chocolate and Milk

 Ponds Of Wine Pure

 Lustrous Clothes Of Silk

 Diamonds On Trees To Adore

 

 

 

birds-wallpaper-in-rain-5                 Bird’s Melodious tweet

Wind’s music along

Rain drops as beats

Make a symphonic song

 

 

 

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Fresh soft Flower petals shire

Natural beauty of fawn

No unfulfilled desire

Peace holds, worries gone

 

 

 

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Artistic Comfortable Homes

Partners of your choice

All Luxuries Known

Contented , peaceful life

 

 

 

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No Hatred No Frowns

For the people fellow

Each bad feeling gone

Harshness turned Mellow

 

 

 

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The ever-awaited Paradise

A choice of entire

A pleasant sublime surprise

A PERFECT Life prior

 

 

 

 

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Why don’t my heart feel

Tempting enough to get

Why hard enough to deal

Complexity of my mind-set

 

 

 

 

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Why do I just need

‘His’ companionship forever

A sight of ‘Him’ , plead

‘He’ , whatsoever !

 

 

 

 

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‘His’ calm lap to sit safely

‘His’ shoulder to cry on

‘His’ feet to sleep like baby

‘His’ service till the life gone

 

 

 

 

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The passionate Love

Sentiments stoutly fixed

The eternal Gratitude

Divine emotions mixed

 

 

 

 

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Never mean to disrespect

My Love Divine

Every inch of my heart wet

For the Love to be mine

 

 

 

 

 

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Waiting for your silence to break

For illumination of my inner sun

Take my heaven make me slave

I bow , I beg , Please don’t shun

 

 

 

 

 

Love Is Always The Same !

In every every form , In every shape
In every real relationship It take
In every passionate feeling’s name
LOVE is always the same !!

Whether it is Mom’s Caring Love….whether it is Dad’s affectionate Love…. Whether it is brother’s possessive Love…. whether it is sister’s friendly Love….Whether it is daughter’s or son’s sweetest Love….whether it is friends naughty and Lovely Love…….Love is BEAUTIFUL…….
Their is no life without Love !

I am going to Introduce you to two Loves of Mine today…..

First One Is  friends Love…….

A sweet girl who Loves to Dance …..

I would like to request her again to present something 😉

She Is energetic and passionate…funny….who is annoyed by the typical aunties 😛 …. Who is the greatest writer…… And a very nice friend and human being…. An enthusiastic youngster with a lot of ambitions……Meet her….. She is publicly known as VelaneDeBeaute and personally known as Ghalia !
I Wish You a very very HAPPY BIRTHDAY !

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All the sweet wishes and warm hugs…. And don’t worry this birthday would be awesome for you 😉 We are here for you …..

I Hope all these wishes make your day a memorable one !

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Second Love is The brother’s Love…..

A caring brother who understands me…care for me….Feel my pain…..Love me as a sister……
Who always give me awesome suggestions to solve my problems…
Who is always here to help me whenever I want to talk…..
Who has a lot of problems in life….A hectic life but He is strong…. Strong enough to defeat all the problems of his life….
Who is always ready to make everyone smile…..

Who has the most positive approach towards life……

Who is so Intelligent that he has to hide his intelligence with his mask….. 😉

Who is a real pure human being……..
I am blessed to have you brother Arindam Saha !

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On this ‘Rakhi’ , which is an event He celebrates for brother sister Love , He gave me some awesome and Intellectual ( Like him ) gifts !
He has a sweet Kachhua (Tortoise) Who made these gifts and Arindam delivered them to me 😉
Those were some Pictures of ‘Rangolis’ made in such an intelligent way. You can read details about this art here :

http://whenintrovertspeaks.wordpress.com/2012/10/06/a-thing-of-beauty-a-joy-forever/

Here are the Beautiful Pictures !

Rangoli_2 Rangoli_3

Rangoli_1

 

 

And In addition to The pictures, He designed an Award for me too !

How generous of him 😉
This Award is made in the same way as these figures….
I am loving this Most Beautiful Award and I am not passing it on like the normal Awards because It is for me and only me……

Here is the Award , he call it the Golden Fern Award :

GoldenFern

I am honored to you you dear brother…… I , more than LOVED , all the gifts ! I have never received gifts even on my Birthdays before So you know this was a real Surprise ! Love You and Thank you !

In addition to these beautiful people , I have made a very sweet elder sister here too known as sakuraandme (Paula) and a very special friend known as Mani ( He talks too much and I am annoyed sometimes with his long debates but at the same time I love them too 😉 plus he has the worst sense of humor 😛 ) .

I would like to Thank some special people too here cabrogal , safia and KATiE MiA FredericK!iI who have been a real source of learning for me since now !

I want to Thank you all….. For All your Love and support….. And for giving me such valuable new relationships !
Now I have started making my own family here on Word press 😉
My Virtual Life is more attractive now then my real life 😉 I have never told people in my real life how I feel about them….. Here it is the opposite !

I can write pages on the gratitude I feel for having all these people but I don’t want to bore you 🙂

I VALUE you people and all my readers more than anything Now….. Stay with me Always !

The Fairy Tale Of My Life…..

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This time the sparkling transparent rain drops….. like the pearls on ocean……Have turned me to Rapunzel…..

Beautiful she was….with her long beautiful gleaming hair and big glowing eyes……

But she was a prisoner……She was allowed to see the beauty of the world through a window…but she can’t feel it…..She knew the world is not for her….

At the moment standing here in my window……Listening to the melody of heavy rain falling on plants and trees outside….feeling the chilly wind on my skin…..and looking at the vast beautiful world outside…… I feel like Rapunzel……

There is greenery everywhere…. Colorful flowers, green fresh grass, beautiful plants with shining leaves, chilled fresh breeze, blue sky and rain…….. The world is so beautiful…..

I want to dance…..in the water standing in grass…….I want to dance madly….

I want to spread my arms and look above closing my eyes…..I want to dance in rain……

I want to feel the breeze going through me….Making my soul fresh and clean……While the Rain drops take away all my dirt……

But I can just stand here and dream….. This beautiful world is so fancy….and yet so artificial to me….. Like a fairy tale….Of Rapunzel….

I can stare at happiness but I know it is not for me…..I can gaze at the beauty….but I know it does not belong to me……

I can’t just step forward and do what I dream of….I am a prisoner…..Like Rapunzel….

Is life so beautiful like the world….. Or this all is a fairy tale…. Soon the rain will stop and the world will get back to normal….with all its imperfections…..

Iqbal Says :

 “Destroy whatever does not suit you.

Create a new world out of your own self.

A free man feels unhappy.

To live in a world of others.”

Is it really possible…..Why thinking of this theory causes an inner happiness……A new world….Of my choice……Beautiful….

We should learn to live the moment to its best……But I am not able to learn it yet……Is life a mere continuity of breaths or something more ?

Rapunzel was a princess…..She was in a fairy tale…That is why she got her price and lived ‘Happily Ever After’…….

There is no Happily Ever After in real life……

She didn’t see her prince fading away with someone else in this beautiful world…….

She didn’t felt the ugliness of life…..I ceased to be in an eternal paradise like her….Where there is neither a pang of love, nor yearnings nor a sympathizer.

Fairy tales are ‘overrated’……We are what we experience…..I chose thorns instead of flowers…..Now I stand here and desperation to go out is justified…..

“You lack the lamentation of a nightingale

Because you are bereft of a burning soul in your body;

In the garden where plucking of flowers is not prohibited,

You have not wounded yourself by the pointed thorns.”

— Iqbal

I stand here and yet I am not here….I am dancing in the rain…..Hair flying freely with the wind…..Closed eyes thinking of Him…..I am His Co-worker…..And I sing…….

“Thou created the night, I the lamp;

Thou created the clay, I the vase !

Thou created the jungle, mountains and deserts,

I created gardens, orchards and flower plots!

It is I who make glass out of stone,

It is I who extract elixir out of poison.”

— Iqbal

And yet the journey begins…………The eternal search……Search of divine………..The conquest of time and space…….

We feel we will die when we are thirsty…..And yet we are indulged in other things when we get water….We don’t even remember our thirst could have killed us…… No one dies of thirst….. Death comes on time and according to His wish….. So Many things in this mortal world become our thirst that we have to die a thousand times before our death……

[In urdu]                               Meri Zindagi tou firaaq hai, woh azal se dil main makeen sahi

Wo nigah’e_shauq se door hain, rag’e_jaan se lakh qareen sahi

Hamein jaan dainee hai aik din, wo kisi tarah wo kahin sahi

Hamein aap khainchiye daar par, jo nahi koi tu hameen sahi

Sar_e_toor ho sar_e_hasher ho, hamein intizaar qubool hai

Wo kabhi milein, wo kahin milein, wo kabhi sahi, wo kahin sahi

Na ho un pe kuch mera bass nahi, k ye aashqi hai hawas nahi

Mai unhi ka tha, mai unhi ka hoon, wo mere nahi tu nahi sahi

Mujhe bhaithne ki jaga milay, meri aarzoo ka bharam rahay

Teri anjuman mein agar nahi,teri anjuman k qareen sahi

tera dar tau hum ko na mil saka, teri rahguzar ki zameen sahi

hamain sajda karne se kaam hai, jo wahan nahin tau yahin sahi

meri zindagi ka naseeb hai nahin door mujh se qareeb hai

mujhay uska ghum tau naseeb hai wo agar nahin tau nahin sahih

jo ho faisala wo sunaaiye usay hashr pe na uthaiye

jo karain gay app sitam wahan wo abhi sahi wo yehin sahi

Use dekhne ki jo low lagi tu Naseer dekh hi lain gey hum

Wo hazaar aankh se door ho, wo hazaar pardah nasheen sahi

— Naseer-ud-din Shah

Gratitude Is The Best Attitude !

thank-you

I was reading ‘Shams Tabrizi’ Today, Who was the spiritual instructor of ‘Rumi’ . I don’t exactly know what a spiritual instructor do, but I wanted to share some of his quotes I loved, with you.

“The chemistry of mind is different from the chemistry of love. The mind is careful, suspicious, he advances little by little. He advises “Be careful, protect yourself” Whereas love says “Let yourself, go!” The mind is strong, never fells down, while love hurts itself, fells into ruins. But isn’t it in ruins that we mostly find the treasures? A broken heart hides so many treasures.”

“It is never late to ask yourself ‘Am I ready to change my life, am I ready to change myself?’. However old we are, whatever we went through, it is always possible to reborn. If each day is a copy of the last one, what a pity! Every breath is a chance to reborn…”

“Whatever happens to you, don’t fall in despair. Even if all the doors are closed, a secret path will be there for you that no one knows. You can’t see it yet but so many paradises are at the end of this path. Be grateful! It is easy to thank after obtaining what you want, thank before having what you want.”

As Shams Tabrizi says to be Grateful, I am writing this post today to be Grateful to the people who remembered me and shared their love with me in the form of Blog Awards !

I Thank You All for all of these Awards. They remind me always that there are people who read me and for whom, I am important ! Thank you for making me feel like that. I am honored !

Following is the description of Awards along with the nominations for each Award. The nominations for each Award are listed with the award.

So this time The people who will receive Awards would have to do something new 😛 Just answer the following questions with your award speech !

  • The most Embarrassing moment of your life :
  • The person you Love the most :
  • What quality makes you unique from the others :
  • The moment that proves you are naughty:
  • What is your favorite food :

That’s it. It is up to you if you want to go with the previous rules of writing 7 things about you and displaying the award or you want to follow my rules and answer these questions or both. You can accept them without following any rules too ! That’s up to you 🙂

Double Trouble Love 😉 :

This double trouble was caused to me by  the beauties VelaneDeBeaute for Shine On Award and CHANDNI for The Versatile Blogger Award ! It is not at all a trouble (Don’t judge wrong 😉 ) but an honor ! As I have received these Awards before , You can read the rules and seven things about me here and here.

shine-on-award

Shine On Award

Nominations:

angelswhisper2011

thaygoulart

Paras

maryamkh97

Asma

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Versatile Blogger Award

Nominations:

Lux Ferous

Harsha

Basit Ijaz

Najmah Bint Nasr

Ain Riz

A dearest Respected Love :

A dearest blogger AjayTao asked me to choose three Awards from a bucket of Awards So I chose some fit fit ones out of it 😉 There are no rules for accepting them . Here they are :

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Awesome Blog Content Award

Nominations:

Himani B

Nadia

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sakuraandme

WordNinjaGirl

Kaye

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Versatile Blogger Award

Nominations:

Yasmeen Baloch

jalal michael …

Ateek Sheikh

eva626

maryamlatif

inner-peace-award

Inner Peace Award

Nominations:

starlight

astraltravler

Nancy

indiajones

Fahaad Humayun

Lovely Love From Baluchistan 🙂 :

Yasmeen Baloch is a new blogger friend , You can find her blog here. She nominated me today for some Awards. Out of which I am receiving Versatile blogger Award for the third time and Best moment Award for the second time. So you can read the rules here and here.

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Versatile Blogger Award

sunshine-blog-award

SunShine Award

Nominations:

VelaneDeBeaute

CHANDNI

maryamchahine

Ayesha

rarasaur

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Best Moment Award

Nominations:

♡ The Tale Of My Heart ♡

AjayTao

Susan P

My Say

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These were some of the people I wanted to appreciate , who mean a lot to me ! Some of the people who are a bit ‘serious’ kind of 😉 They don’t like these Awards thing so I haven’t included their names but I love all of you who read me and give me feedback about my writings !

Stay happy 🙂 Love xx

The Window !!

girl-and-magic-window-girl-image-magic-moon-sky-window

The Window opens.

The crashing thunder storm makes it weak enough. It can’t withstand the intensity of their roar. They don’t even let it fight with them now. They make it wide open………without any struggle.

The window protects…. Like the big grey metal gate of the Graveyard protecting the dead who don’t have any fear . It protects each Grave buried deep inside……

But the storm is powerful……. The storm of thoughts and memories. It knew the way to conquer the weak protection of window.

She stands, In front of the window every time it is left open. Holding the window tightly with both her weak bony hands.

Like-wise , it happened today. She stood there for a long time staring at an abstract point in the air. She was trying to peek far through the fog, in her past.

Full moon was shining on the sky like the king of a big kingdom, with all its glory . People say, In full moon nights crazy things happen. The people sick spiritually with the disease of Human Love , start having fits on this night. They start seeing things which can never be seen with naked eyes. The balance between their inner-self is disturbed by moon and they feel themselves falling into an endless depth of abyss.

Forfeited Love Reveals the concealed………

The day when he proposed Her through her parents was playing on the clear screen of her mind. She felt the pain again when she cried all night for 7 hours and when she realized she was effected badly by this disease. The answer of ‘No’ from her parents, without asking her , broke her to pieces. She felt darkness , she felt suffocated and she felt The effects of Love that night for the first time.

She closed her eyes tightly….She couldn’t continue thinking from that very moment.

When she opened her eyes, she was taken to the day he was getting engaged. Some mere pieces of paper were taking him away from her. A feeble ray of hope was getting dissolved in to dark future. And it dissolved…completely. She kept awake all night again that day. Her mind was tired of the seizure. She realized how bad the disease is spreading all inside her. She was becoming a wood eaten inside by insects.

She opened her eyes again. She knew the next part was the extreme of pain….. Nothingness!! She recalled she wanted to forget it.

Diving into the sea of memories again, she reached the part when her Love was officially going to be someone else’s. She tried to recall the words of the three texts she wrote for him every day of his marriage, trying to show her misery to him. She recalled the hysterical fits she got on the first day of his wedding. She recalled the extreme crying and screaming voice of her on the second day. She recalled she had a lot of sleeping pills those days but still she couldn’t sleep. No medicine has any effect on this dangerous disease.

Covering her face in the blanket, laying folded like a little child she used to think for hours and she’d never know when the daylight turned dark. She was scared of facing the world, facing the people and her life. Facing the reality…..

She recalled the ways she used to give pain to herself. Pain was the feeling that kept her connected to him.

He would be with ‘his wife’ right now…. Holding her hand. His hands were so strong. When he used to take her hands in his hands, she use to feel like she is in the shadow of someone, she felt protected. Now ‘her’ hands would have taken place of her’s, she thought. He had a habit of feeling the upper-side skin of her hand through his thumb while holding it…… She remembered.

They would share a pillow… They would talk till late at night about various things. Will he tell ‘her’ about me ?

A big warm tear came out of her eye and fell on her hand.

He said he never wanted to see her tears and he always closed his eyes when she cried.

‘She’ has his name….with ‘her’ name. She is lucky, very lucky. She recalled how she used to call ‘her’ name along with his name as ‘her’ last name and how each time a wave of pain came bursting out of her heart.

They would start a family. Their children….My Love’s children…… Both of their children…..

She felt small needles were just pierced through each pore of her body.

She recalled the days and nights which were passed with the thought of they being together……. The disease was spreading fast all over her soul. She was sick. Sick of the cure-less disease. She use to lay down on her bed all day without moving an inch. She was like a lifeless corpse !

She realized how painful was her past……. And how she is still living her past in her present !

She couldn’t stand here more. She realized she would fall out of the window if she won’t struggle to close the window. She needed something to let this intense feeling out of her. The moon was gazing at her as it is trying to tell her she is not alone. Her mind was stuck…….. Her thoughts were paralyzed.

A Corpse.

She closed her eyes tightly , covered her ears with her hands and started screaming. Hard….very hard till her throat started collapsing ! She slowly opened her eyes.

The moon was still there. She felt like it has absorbed all her pain for a while. It was giving her time to close the window to the past.

She had her Catharsis done.

People say Catharsis is necessary for the purification of heart and soul……. For emotions ! Without getting it done, people would become mad.

What about the people who already are mad ?

After diving into the depth of despair once, the path to the truth and light becomes clear or one drowns forever in despair. She was not drowned forever !

Life keeps you teaching lessons you never want to learn !

The window was closed. The moon couldn’t hold her pain, So it hide itself in clouds. There was no more bright light outside.

She realized some windows need to be closed forever. They should be metal plated and engraved deep inside. But she knew It needs power to close them forever. She was weak………… She was tired !

The window was there, with all its glory. She knew there would be another full moon night again. The window would open again, Soon !!

A Tribute To Beautiful People Who Wrote Poetry For Me….!

This post is dedicated to beautiful people who wrote poetry for me or in response to my writings and I want to give them credit, appreciation and respect for all the Love !

======================================================

*** Once upon a time, I asked him, “Say something to me !” , And he sent me this piece of poetry. I said, “Can I show it to people” . He said no because it is not special. I want to tell him…. You are special for me. Every word you say is special for me and I value every word coming out of your mouth like precious stones and pearls . This voice comes out of my heart and I mean every word. I Love You !

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This dark night

Without a ray of hope

Hope that gives

You hopelessness

Searching And Searching

A way out ?

Love is hopelessness

Hopelessness is Hope !

    ——————-

Explanation Needs words

Words which means something

Empty mind with meaningless thoughts

Wandering what to say

Only One thing

Love is divine

And I Love You !

=====================================================

*** She is a beautiful Women , a friend and a fellow Blogger from Maldives. Here is the link to her blog. Some days back I saw a caption in My Reader with my name in it and when I opened it, I was excited to see what she dedicated to me ! It was really a lovely gift ! I want to say thank you for these beautiful words .

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When she stood at the jetty

Every tear that fell from her eyes to the sea

They changed into little white pearls

They floated on the ocean and sang this beautiful song

“Let out your grieve my sister

We are here for you

Our little love carry your burden!

Oh! Let out your grieve my sister”

“Thank you my dear white pearls

For your love and smile”

Her tears were precious …..

They turned to pearls

They floated on the sea

They lifted her spirit

Little white pearls

They are floating with the waves

And these courageous pearls visited me…

======================================================

*** Maria and Arindam are very Dear friends of mine and fellow bloggers too. Here are is the link to Maria’s and Arindam’s Blog. They wrote some really amazing Answers to My post “Shab-E-Qadar (The Night Of Blessings) ” and I believe their answers made my Poem complete and Responsive ! I love the beautiful words they added to it and I wanted to mention them too here !

By Arindam :

He is too far to see through eyes

But ask your heart, and there lies

Within the veins as blood he flows

Smiling at your success; standing close

He is the smile which makes your day

He is in the tears that who shed in dismay

He dances in the rains and sways with the waves

He flies with the butterflies and lives in the caves

He cries as rains seeing the drying lands

He wanders as freely and swiftly as sands

He teases you as a child, with a sweet mischief

He understands you as a friend in your grief

He even plays the game of love, eternal and pure

He runs with you in the race of life to the target you endure

No only that…

He is in the blazing fire of rage

Of a parrot trapped in the cage

He is in the intimate sight of the one

Immersed in love of his loved one

He is in the everyone; sinful,, ignorant, stupid and wise

The question is just; when his presence do you realize…

—————————————–

By Maria :

There He is

Closer than

You

Can Imagine

Looking

At You

And All

His creations

Smiling

At those

Who

Raise their hands

And Bow their heads

And Kneel

Down

To Pray.

He is There

Closer

Than your nerves.

Inside

Your Heart

Inside

Your Soul.

His existence,

Is very much

The existence

Of all

That is existing.

=========================================================

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.” 

G.K. Chesterton

So Thank You !! ^ __ ^

Shab-E-Qadar ( The Night Of Blessings )

Surely We revealed it on the grand night. And what will make you comprehend what the grand night is? The grand night is better than a thousand months. The angels and Gabriel descend in it by the permission of their Lord for every affair, Peace! it is till the break of the morning. – Surah Qadar.

 

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Time ticks , Eye blinks

Where is He ?

Nights passes gently

Seconds And Minutes

Where is He ?

Meet Him , See Him

Desire I

Where is He ?

Bow before Him

Reach the Skies

Searching Him

Passionately

Wish I

Where is He ?

The day of end

Where End is beginning

Why so far

Life so Long, or short

Think I

Where is He ?

Him and only Him

Need , Want

No Heaven

No luxuries

Just He

Around Him

Pray I

Where is He ?

He is inside

He is everywhere

Says He

My Beloved

But

Blind eyes

No sight

Where is He ?

Feel Him

Sense Him

Think Him

Talk to Him

Searching

Praying

Waiting

See Him ?

Can I ?

Where is He ?

An Insight Of “Love”

The Lamps are different, but the Light is the same.

The Lamps are different,
but the Light is the same.

The real beloved is that one who is unique, who is your beginning and your end. When you find that one, you’ll no longer expect anything else.

There was a man living at a far away place. He had no one with him except a donkey who was everything to him and he use to spend all his time with it. He once went to a pious man living in his area.The pious man was sitting in a hut with a small door. The man stood outside the door and started a conversation with him.

Man: “I Love my donkey so much !”

Pious Man: “Ok , Come in !”

As the man entered the room, The pious man said ” You don’t Love your donkey enough ! Go back and spend more time with him”. The man was amazed to hear this. He went back and took care of his donkey more. He spend years and years with him. Then he came back to the Pious man again.

Man: “I love my donkey and this time I am sure about it !”

Pious Man: “Ok , Come in !”

As the man entered the room,

The pious man said ” You don’t Love your donkey enough ! Go back and spend more time with him” . The man was amazed again ! But he went back because he knew the pious man speaks nothing but truth. He spend many more years with his donkey taking care of him. Then he came back again !

Man: “I am in love with my donkey !”

Pious Man: “Ok , Come in !”

The Man didn’t come in.

He said ” My ears are so big and I won’t be able to fit in this small hut with my big body ! ”

The pious Man said ” Yes, Now I believe you ”

This state of Love when You start thinking you are like the one you love, is called as “Ishq” . People who don’t know Urdu, can call it “Extreme Love ” . This is a state where wisdom is left behind, all that is there is True Love. Where one don’t question “Why” . He just remember saying “Yes” .

There is a story in our History,  when a person was involved in Loving Allah so much that Once he started saying “An-al-Haq” Meaning “I am God !’ . When people listened to him they started beating and cursing him that he is calling himself  God. Later on, this theory was explained by some Sufi’s. They say that man was so much In Love with the creator that he started thinking that he is like the one he loves…..He is a part of the one he Loves….He is his Love !

At a distance you only see my light;
come closer and know that I am you !  –Rumi

Is this pure Love worth comparing to the so called love of today ? When a boy loves a girl one day, and the next day he starts loving the next ! When people calls talking on phone and dating as Love . When relationships are the means of love. No relationship , no love ! When people love each other for their own means. When one fight erases love from heart. Is this Love ? NO.

People characterize the stages of reaching “Extreme Love” or “Ishq” as :

1-First stage is of “likeness”. When we like someone’s knowledge, wisdom, way of talking, habits, manners or something then we like to meet them more often. When we meet them more often, this likeness start converting to “adoration” . We want to meet them more and talk to them more.

2- Then comes the stage of “infatuation”. When we feel we can’t live without this person. But when that person goes away from us and we find someone else in that duration we sometimes go close to the second person.

3-The step next to “infatuation” is “love”. This is the extent of likeness and infatuation. When we reach that stage we are so much involved in the person. We want to fulfill his every wish and we feel happy doing it. Every word coming out of his mouth is the last word for us . We can do anything for that person.

4- Then comes the stage of “Ishq” that is the extent of Love. When we lose the sense of thinking and all that we see is our love. where there is no “why” there is just “yes” . Where wisdom is astonished and left far behind.

Love is the feeling that forced “Ibrahim” to jump in fire without questioning His God “why” ? And His God didn’t fail him either. He turned the fire cold. Miracles do happen in Love !

Baykhatar kood para aatish-e-namrood main Ishq

Aqal hai mehw-e-tamasha-e-lab-e-baam abhi

Shewa-e-Ishq hai Azadi-o-deher aashubi

Tu hai zannari-e-bu’t khana-e-ayyam abhi    

-Iqbal

(Meanings: Baykhatar = Fearlessly; Kood para = Jumped in; Aatish-e-Namrood = Referring to fire of Namrood in which, prophet Abraham (PBUH) was thrown; Ishq = Referring to strong Faith and devotion of Prophet Abraham (PBUH); Aqal = Wisdom; Mehw-e-tamasha-e-lab-e-baam = Stunned/shocked/in state of disbelief; Shewa-e-Ishq = Strong Faith; Azadi = Freedom; Deher Aashubi = To get rid of slavery; Zannari-e-bu’t khana-e-ayyam = Under influence of idol worshipers)

Some wise people say that we reach the Creator by three means:

1-will

2-knowledge

3-love

There are 10 % chances in will and 90% chances in knowledge that we will go towards the wrong path while searching the Creator. But with love, there are no chances to get lost. Love is a thing that can’t be explained but can only be experienced. And once experienced, nothing is left after it.

O Lord! Was it the cloud of mercy or the thunderbolt of Love When the life’s crop got burned down, sprouted the seed of the Heart  –Rumi

In a human body, heart is present on one side of the chest and “wishes” or “cravings” which are called as “Nafs” In our language, is on the other side of heart. In the center of our heart, in a very deep place is where our soul resides. And in the depth of our “Nafs” , Evil resides. The thing is to fight with the “Nafs” and it leads us towards the True Love , “Ishq” !

There were many Pious persons and Sufis , whose destiny was to reach God. Because of the worldly demands and weaknesses they couldn’t reach there. So the creator engaged them in the “love of man”. When they return empty handed from it and they were hurt because of it, The creator took them, holding their hands, towards him. And they succeeded in achieving the greatest levels.

It changes the heap of earth into elixir

Such is the power of the ashes of the Heart

It gains freedom after being caught in the net of Love

On being thunder-struck greens up the tree of the Heart

Iqbal

Closing it with an English translation of a poem by Allama Iqbal, My favorite Poet. He was at a very upper level of Sufism and we need a lot of insight to reach to the true meanings hidden in his words.

One day reason said to the Heart:

I am a guide for those who are lost.
I live on the earth, but I roam the skies
Just see the vastness of my reach.
My task in the world is to guide and lead,
I am like Khizar of blessed steps.
I interpret the book of life,
And through me Divine Glory shines forth!
You are no more than a drop of blood,
While I am the envy of the priceless pearl !!

The Heart listened, and then said: This is all true,

But now look at me, and see what I am!!!
You penetrate the secret of existence,
But I see it with my eyes!!!
You deal with the outward aspects of things
I know what lies within!!! (The outward pertains to the phenomenal world, the inward to matters of the Heart and soul)
Knowledge comes from You, intuitive knowledge of spiritual truth from me!!!
You seek GOD, I reveal HIM!
Attaining the ultimate in knowledge makes one restless –
I am the cure for that ailment!!!
You are the candle of the Assembly of Truth;
I am the lamp of the Assembly of Beauty!!!
You are hampered by space and time,
While I am the “bird in the Lotus tree” (Taaeyr-e-Sidraa)
My status is so high –
I am the throne of the Majesty of GOD (According to sufistic saying, the world is too small a place to house GOD, but a believer’s Heart is large enough to house Him)

Sweetness Overloaded !

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“This message has no fat, no cholesterol and no additives. This is all natural except, with a lot of sugar. But it can never be as sweet as the one reading it. Smile! “

Awwwweee How Sweet ! Isn’t it ?

“If I were to lay eleven roses next to you, you’d make the perfect dozen.”

Awee Again So Sweet !  😛

No ! I am not here to give boys tips on ‘How to say sweet things to girls‘ ! Or something else you might be thinking !

It is just that I am feeling sweet today ! I am afraid I don’t get blood sugar now !

I am not sure ‘feeling sweet’ is a thing, But it is in my case ….. I am feeling like a lot of chocolate bars are filled in my mouth and Some M&Ms are floating all along my blood in my body. My fingers have sweets instead of nails and My hair taste as sweet as jelly !!

Yes I sound Weird now 😛 It was just a fantasy, Ignore it !

The reason which made me feel that sweet today Is the sweetness passed on to me by super sweet randomlyabstract aka Maria , In the form of a Super Sweet Blogging Award !

Blogger Awards are just a Reason to tell people how Great they are and how much you Love to read them and Talk to them. These are a second name for appreciation and Love.

I am So Glad to Get this Award and Adding another Award to my Awards Closet makes me feel Wonderful ! A Big Thanks to Maria for this ! I Love You !

super-sweet-blogging-award

Super Sweet Blogging Award

Formal Acceptance of this Award needs to Answer some Super Sweet Questions !

So Here It Goes….

  • Cookies or Cake? –  Cakes ! Always and Forever ! Love chocolate cakes, cheese cakes, fresh cream cakes, ice-cream cakes, strawberry, pineapple cakes. Eating cookies make me feel old !
  • Chocolate or Vanilla? – Chocolate ! A big Chocolate Lover !
  • Favorite sweet dish? – I can’t eat a lot of sweet food at a time but I Love trying one or two bites from each 😉 Love custard, fruit deserts and Lab-e-shireen !
  • When do you crave sweet things most? – After having dinner and In winters !
  • Sweet nickname? – Well people don’t need to give me a nick name because my name itself is so small.

And Now the nominations for this Award. They have answer the same questions I just answered if they want to accept it formally. I want to say A Big Thanks to the following people As they are the best and I want to tell them that I  love them ! Award is just a metaphor !

1- Arindam Saha

He is from India. He use to read me hen I was doing a useless blog regarding news. And he is bearing me till now . He comments on each and every post of mine and sometimes his comments make me think he has written this post 😛 He understands me that well. Sometimes his comments are better than my post itself. He is a great poet but still admires my stupid poems. Whenever I write a new post, I expect his comment to be the first one and he don’t fail me most of the time. He cares about me and I love his views and arguing with him.

2- KATiE MiA FredericK!

He is from US. He is a Great and respectable person. He writes long comments on my posts and I always read the comments twice or more than twice to understand them. His comments are always that deep and philosophical that a person like me cannot get to the depth of them sometimes. I love his views and the way he perceive things. He do some great jobs out there to help people and make people happy. His comments are always an honor to me.

3- Ardizza Dwittarinda Raharja

She is from Indonesia. She is really a sweet girl. She said to me she started writing her blog in English just because of me. I was flattered ! She talks to me like we were friends forever and she is really like a cute innocent jolly kid. I love her.

4- SahrishS

She is from Pakistan . She answers ! And answers a lot 😛 Sometimes she give me replies of the comments I don’t even remember what I asked her 😀 But I like this thing and she is really sweet. She comments on every post of mine and talks like a real friend. I love her.

So…..

I am feeling more sweet after passing on this Award to lovely people.

Want Sweetness ? Have some cake

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Or Some Candies

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And Stay Sweet Always ! And remember me while having sweet things 😉

Love xx

“Guilty As Charged”

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I am a prisoner.

I am a prisoner of my own self.

I did a crime and ended up in this prison.

You know , what was the crime ?

I saw Dreams !

Dreams of a “happy” and “contented” Life

Dreams of “peace” and “Love”

Dreams of “calm” and “blessed” Me !

And these Dreams were a crime

That Day

I cried, I screamed, I begged

What is my fault ?

They said, The same

You saw dreams

You expected for a beautiful Life

You hoped for happiness

You did wrong !

You knew the rules

Expectations always hurt

Dreams always break

Love always hurt

But still, you did the crime

Now this is your punishment

You have to live

In a prison of your own self !

You will Die every day

But there will be no one to cry on your death

You will burn in your own fire

But there will be no one to put it off

You will hurt your feet everyday

Walking on the broken pieces of your dreams

But there will be no one to protect you

You are forever alone

You are forever a prisoner

This is your punishment.

Till that day

I cry out loud, I scream

I ask them, was my fault so big ?

Do I deserve this suffering ?

Every time they say the same

Yes, because you saw Dreams !

My feet are bleeding

By walking on the broken shards

My body is tired

Walking on these paths

I am hollow , I am dead inside

I see my dreams coming true in someone other’s life

And I cry, I screech with pain

But there is no one there for me

No one to feel my pain, No one to see my tears

Why Me ? Why my life ?

Because I saw dreams……………

I am tired

I am exasperated

I have started realizing now

Yes this was my fault

I saw dreams

I did a crime

And I am “guilty As Charged”

 

 

 

A Letter That Is Never To Be Posted !

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Dear Mama And Daddy !

First of all I Love you and so very much !

No I am not fine as I always say when you ask me how are you ? I want to tell you some things… Some things That you don’t know and you can’t even imagine of.

Do you know what is my biggest wish of my life ? Let me tell you today.

My biggest wish is that I make you proud one day. You get a lot of happiness or reward because of me, someday. I don’t have any wish regarding myself. I use to fantasize in my free time that I have done something big and every one is admiring you both because of me and you have that shine in your eyes, which comes in every parents eyes when they feel proud of their child. I want to see that shine in your eyes ! I want to make you feel proud ! I have always let you down. I never did anything for you in my whole life , At least this is what you know ! I feel this from the depth of my heart. This is the strongest desire I feel when ever I think of my life.

I am a sensitive and touchy girl. You don’t know this till now. It all started when I was young I don’t exactly remember my age. And mama, you were sitting with all my brothers and you all made fun of me for some thing. I ran away to my room and fell on my bed and cried and cried but no one came to express sympathy with me. I felt so bad. I was young, I didn’t realized what is happening but I felt neglected.

Then It started happening more often. You say words to make fun of me in a funny way but instead they hurt me. I started feeling pain when I was so young but back then, I couldn’t name it. I cried lying on my bed every time this happened but you never consoled me . A wish started sprouting in my heart that you come to console me, wipe away my tears and upraise me but you never did. You never felt what I use to go through.

I was a good student at first and you somehow felt proud of me till 9th grade. Then a disaster happened to me and I failed your expectations. I failed you badly in 10th grade and in my college. You never bothered to ask me what happened to you ? You used to be a brilliant student what is the matter with you ? You used to be so happy why don’t you seem happy now? Did something happen ? No. Instead , on knowing about the matter you behaved so rudely I can’t even think of that time now. It makes me cry ! That was the most ugliest time of my life and there was no one to tell me what is right and what is wrong. There was no one to listen, and when I found someone who listened to me I followed the wrong path even without seeing that face ever in my life. It was just a voice to me, But you behaved like I have done something so bad. I needed you at that time but you beat me hard with your words. I felt alone. I started receding away from you.

Dear mama,

Do you know what I use to think when I miss you ? That I am lying with my head in you lap and you are running your fingers across my hair. And talking to me. I felt so loved in my dreams thinking of that. I am your only daughter but you never did it. I don’t have courage to tell you that. I wish that I lie with my head in your lap one day and you kiss on my forehead . And you tell me how much you love me and you are here no matter what happens. Tell everything to me like your friend. I am your friend. But I don’t see that happening ever.

Dear daddy,

I use to think of you too in the same way. I wish someday you hug me and kiss my forehead. You express your indulgence . You pass your hand through my head with love some day and say I love you.  You are my sweetest daughter and I am proud of you.

I felt so happy when you sometimes put your hand on my head and when mama said You are my lovely daughter I felt blessed. I felt honored at that time !

Tears are running out from my eyes through my cheeks towards my neck as I am writing this. I am running out of words. I am not bothering to use fancy words and phrases while I write this. These words are flowing out of my fingers without following any rules.

I want to tell you that there was no one I can celebrate my success with when I got a position in my class here in university. There was no one whom I can tell that my teachers admire me and they are happy from me. No one to tell that I got highest marks in my favorite subjects. No one to tell that I got such a good GPA. No one to tell that I made a web site alone and my teacher admired me so much that he said he will buy a domain himself and will make it online. No one to tell that there are three people in my class who have some real skills of web and I am one of them . No one to tell that there are three students in my final year project group but they look at me when they need help and I alone is making that project without any help and my teacher is satisfied with me. Every time I got something, some admiration directly or indirectly no face comes into my mind to whom I can share my happiness. I felt more alone and the happiness faded at once. Sadness prevailed it .

I want to tell you that I took the biggest decision of my life because of you. I gave importance to your choice rather than mine for passing my rest of life with someone. I had a chance, but I never told you people because I thought you will think bad of me , you will get hurt ! I left the person I loved with all my heart, The Person who led me towards Allah’s love. I said yes to the person you selected for me . Why ? Because daddy, you let me lay down on your arm and told me that you liked that boy so much and you want me to accept him. And I did…. For you daddy ! I never thought what would happen to me, I never thought how would I survive with a person I don’t have any feelings , with an empty heart. I still don’t tell you that I pass through so much pain while talking to him and thinking of him. But I do this for you  And you will never know.

I loved you when I was here at home but I valued your worth when I started living in hostel. I missed you so much and all my views about you changed. At first I use to think that you don’t give me what I needed. Now I think that you did your best. You chose a life for me that is the best according to you. You tried to do everything perfect for me. It is just that you never tried to feel what I feel. Do you know why I use to keep laughing when I come home? You think because I am happy and satisfied. But I want to tell you I do this to hide my sadness, my tears. And you will never ever know that.

I don’t want to reveal My inner self to you. That will make you hurt. It will be difficult for you to think your daughter is going through so much pain. You think I am happy about the future you chose for me, I want you to think that for the rest of your life. I feel satisfied when I see you happy. I never want to tell you that How painful is the very thought of my future for me. I want to respect what you think. I will never break your trust on me. Some times when I came out of the washroom after crying for hours and there was a smile on my face you never recognized I have cried. You never read my eyes you never saw my tears. I felt hurt sometimes that you cant see my sadness but It is good I guess.

I want to tell you how alone I am. I want to tell you that I cry every time I am alone and I think of telling that to someone and sometimes your face come to my mind but I always think this will make you worried about me and I cancel the thought of telling you. I want to tell you that I have faced so many big problems in my life and I solved them with out even letting you know. You think my life is so easy and comfortable  I want you to think the same always. I want to see you happy. I use to pray for you after making every prayer. I don’t have any wish for myself. I pray for you and my brothers. You are my life you people are my soul !

Sometimes I wish I could tell you all that. At some point in life, when you hurt me with your words saying  ” You don’t feel what we go through for you people ” Or you don’t feel our worries or things like that. I feel an urge to tell you all this. But then I stop. Think of me like you always do…At least that will make you happy. I want your happiness and I am ready to pay the price for it.

You have done so much for us. I want to tell you that I feel your worries. I feel your pain… my heart melts when I see you in some kind of pain and I cry when I am alone and ask help for you from Allah. You know all my wishes revolve around you. I want my dad to get close to Allah. I know He love Allah so much but I want him to start following the right path. I want my brothers to follow the right path and get all the success and happiness in life. I want my mother to get all her wishes come true and all her worries fade out.

I love you mama and daddy. I want to see you happy. I never want you to see the face behind my mask. I want you to think it is the real me.

I will never tell all this to you. Never ever.

I love you !

And I know Some things are better unsaid !!

Your One And Only Daughter !

In The Loving Memory Of My Grand Ma

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I am roaming right now way back in my past. About 9 years ago. When I was a little girl and I remember my whole family used to visit my uncle’s house where my Grand Ma lived. We use to be so excited the day we had to go there. My mom used to dress us up nice. And as we entered the house, My aunt and uncle came to the door to welcome us and we ran towards the bed of my Grand ma. She was always waiting for us already. She used to kiss me and my brothers on the forehead. And then used to take out some money from her pocket, very new shinning currency and give it to us. We felt so happy to have it. I sit around my grand ma on her bed all day till we went back.

And I remember once she came at our house to stay for some days. I use to sing some religious words to her and she listened carefully and corrected me where I was wrong. She tried to learn those words from me. And when she went back at uncle’s, I use to say to my mom that I can still hear my Grand ma’ s voice in our house and my mom use to smile at me. I slept with her and she told me stories. I still know the stories by heart. There were two stories one about a girl and one about a couple . She used to tell these stories again and again to me until I sleep.

Then I remember going to her house almost 7 years ago. I was in 9th class and somehow mature than before. I use to sit with her and she asked about things . about my studies, about my fathers relatives. I asked her about her past and she told me she was a kid when they people traveled to our country and settled here at the time of independence. My mom use to tell me she has passed a very hard life but she was so strong. My Grand pa died when my mom was young. And my Grand Ma did everything for her children that she could.

And there was that day when we got a phone call that she is sick and we should gather at my uncle’s. I was sent to school and all my family went there. When they reached she was taking her last breaths. After a minute or two she died. I didn’t even get to see her last time alive. I was at my relatives when my mom called me from there and told me about her death. I was not sensible enough at that time but I loved her so much. I started crying . My dad came and took me to that place where she was lying. I still can see her face in front of my eyes. It was peaceful and quiet. Every one was crying there. My mom was crying so hard and it was hard for me to see her and my Grand ma too at the same time like this. I sat down near her death bed. I touched her face with my finger. I found myself crying loud ….so loud. I cried and cried and I heard some women saying something would happen to her stop her from crying but I never cared or listened. There were tears and pain everywhere. And then they took her away.

I missed her so much. I don’t really remember what happened after we came back home but I remember I use to recite some verses for her and use to pray for her everyday. I don’t really have many childhood memories but the memories with my grand ma are quiet clear.

Sometimes we realize the importance of people when they are gone. Sometimes we lose important people before they can be more important to us in future. I lost my Grand ma so early. There is a place in my heart that has a special respect and love for my grand ma. I always wish to have someone like my Grand ma , so loving and sweet and to with I can take advice and discuss my matters. I always like old people and she was my grand ma. I loved her the most. Good people go back from this world early. She was a lovely person. She was beautiful.Words are not sufficient to describe how valuable she was.

We can’t change fate. We have no control on what is already written. We can just sit around and see what life gives us and what it takes away from us. It took away my grand ma when I needed her the most. Death is the last chapter in time, but the first chapter in eternity.Reality sucks sometimes but there is no other way but to accept it. I can’t forget her love, care and indulgence. I love you Grand Ma and I pray for you here on earth. I hope you are happy and satisfied there.

I love you and I miss you so much and will miss you through the rest of my life…….!

Late Night Thoughts !

Dark Beautiful Night

Dark Beautiful Night

Standing along the hall way on the second floor in front of my room. It is dark out there.  With the cool breeze passing by me, I look  towards the sky. How can it be so calm and silent ? I question  myself and suddenly burst into tears ! With my lips folded , I am trying to hold back my tears but I can’t. I sat down along the pillar. With tears falling all over my cheeks I started thinking why am I crying. A lot of questions came into my mind and more tears came out. I can hear the echo of questions more clearly now.

I once showed my hand to a girl who knew watching hands with a promise not to tell about my future but just present. She said your mind thinks in so various dimensions at a time. Also you are very sensitive. I feel both things true right now. There are many things going on in my mind. I don’t even decide about which to think of in detail. I just want to know the answers. Why am I not so calm and quiet like this sky, like this night. I am the same dark from inside like this night is and I hide many secrets inside me like this night does.Then why can’t I find peace like this night has in it ?

I just wipe of my tears brutally with my hands and started thinking over again. What am I ? Who am I ? What am I supposed to be ? What should I do ? I am running out of answers. Why do my heart always pinches me inside whenever I see or read something I wished in the past ? Is that wish still inside my heart making me helpless and weak ? I don’t know.

How would I live with the things I never wished about but know they would be a part of my life soon ? Am I that brave ? I guess not. There is fear, there is pain and there is misery. Yes I am scared of my future. I am scared of revelation of my inner self to people who care about me. My mask of happiness is bruised now. It is breaking and I can’t help it.

Is hope an answer to that ? Have I lost hope or Still have it somewhere hidden in my heart ? I can’t think of it. I don’t know it. I am closing my eyes I can’t see my self destroying. It hurts !! It hurts a lot! I wonder why everything seems so deep at night like I feel myself ?

I see people around me with laughter and smiles , playing around with their life and having fun. Then why do I always feel the need to cry ? I want to cry hard right now, I want to scream . I want to take out all the tears and worries and pain inside me all at once. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to console me. to listen to me whatever meaningless things I say. To be with me whatever I say not to leave me alone. And I have no one. I forgot I was like this night, It is alone too.  It can see my real face , it looks right into my eyes and never judges me.

What was the reason I was sent to this earth? What was the reason I was given those great parents and loving family? What was the reason I got all the people in my life I have now ? What was the reason I got the Love Of God by means of Love of human ? Why am I still hanging in between the God’s Love and Human’s love at a time ? No Answers….. My heart is shedding tears silently and my mind is not responding. Probably it has no answers left. No words to say anything that will calm me down.

I wonder why is my vision getting so blur. Why ca’t I see things clearly ? I want to see the depth of this  beautiful night. Everything become so intense and true at night. I want to ask a few things to it. May be it answers ! Resist, Resist and resist ! That is what I do all the time. I resist to express my feelings. I resist to open up. I resist to get things I like. I resist to do things I want. This resistance was an answer to my worries by my True Love. He said if you resist here in this world, you will get everything in the next one and the next one is far more long and good then this one. I am acting upon it ! It seems hard sometimes but I try my best. He said don’t do things which I don’t like and I try not to do them He said you will succeed if you do what I tell you in my book. I try to follow everything. He says you will find peace if you will come to me five times a day. I do it, but I don’t find peace. I want to know the answer, why ? Why am I still empty handed ?

I know these questions would keep biting me inside until I would be eaten and destroyed completely. I hope My True Love give me answers to these. I want to be with Him. I want to get Him. I love when He talks to me and show me signs. Hope is a single way for me now. Hope brings happiness and hope is the answer, ambiguous but that’s all I have. As Einstein says,   “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

I just saw clouds floating on the sky. They look beautiful. Darkness is getting lighter slowly. I stood up , walk with tired steps towards my bed. Here I sleep , again with headache spreading all over my head and tears making my pillow wet. Another night passed, Hoping for a bright morning to come!

Hope For A Beautiful Morning

Hope For A Bright Morning

Story Of Love…….And Death !

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Once upon a time there was a princess living far away from her parents at a scary place. She had no other choice. She once used to be happy all the time. She smiled with her heart and made everyone happy with her words. She cherished each moment she had and take out all the fun for her. She was calm from inside and had no worries .

Then Something happened to her. She fell In Love…… Love that is a second name for pain and love that destroys…. The love of “human being”. It made her sad…. She stopped smiling. She stopped laughing and playing. She cried every time , all night. All the fun was lost. She was broken inside. Her ego which she used to feel proud of was dashed to ground. She lost her self respect. She lost her self ! But with all the pain, She was satisfied. Why ? Because the one she loved was with her. She use to think whenever she will feel pain she will tell her love. It will listen, It will calm her down It will help her But she didn’t know….. Love is never meant to help !! She thought of telling all her problems to Love and the thought that it will hear , It will be with her to make peace inside her.

And then her love was suddenly someone else’s !! She thought she lost her love . It was someone else’s fate. She use to pray for it all the time. It was everything she had. She was lonely In this cruel world without it. But seeing it, going to someone else tore her apart !! She was broken to pieces. She then realized what pain was ! She then realized what she was ! She came to know truth’s , the secrets. Secrets that are evil, That are scary but they are realities !!  She discovered why she was on this earth. Why she did all what she did. And who created her and for what purpose. Secrets were revealed to her.

And what happened next ? What happened today ? She died…….. Why ?

Because she did a mistake. She actually told her love , her feelings. She told him what was her problems and what is she facing. She tried to show it her misery. And In return she wanted nothing but sympathy. But she never knew love was meant to leave….Love was meant to break !! Break an alive man !! The love denied to help her. The love stroke her expectations to ground. The love let her down ! It never understood it never listened ! It never sympathized her ! It made her heart tear with something hard….It made her eyes bleed. It left her bleeding…..alone.

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It was not the loved one guilty….It was Love …. Which was Guilty…. as always ! With all its glory and characteristics….. Happens to be the same despite of to whom it happened.

She cried and cried…..lying down on her bed , legs folded and hands on her face…. She cried with pain spreading inside all the body like poison…… And slowly…….. She died !!

People die….. they have to.  She was princess but her death affected no one ! No one’s life was stopped cause of her….. She was nothing. Princess’s parents missed her for some time and then they were engaged dealing with their other children. She was no where but she was watching them….She was realizing how ordinary she was. She was not even like a small leaf or a grain of sand. Even they had a purpose, a use.

This was a story……a real story. The story of love…or the story of death! This may be the story of you….And You….And you….. Everyone knows !

This is the truth. This is life. We are all like that princess. We feel the same , sometime in our life . Our ways, our passages are different but we have same destination. Life comes with different faces for everyone but the core the reality is same. We face everything same , through different means. And after happening everything. we realize we were nothing! We are nothing ! Life can’t stop because of us ! No process can wait for us…..Life has to go on and we will be left behind !

Love…….Pain……..Ecstasy……..Nothingness……Hell.

This is the path….This is it !!!

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This Is Me

Meet me…..a very ordinary girl 🙂 So ordinary that a piece of sand is worth than me… Yes this is me !! People say I am complicated…I say life is complicated and one who starts discovering its realities becomes complicated… I have a rainbow of moods inside me. Sometimes when I am happy…. really happy from inside (although it happens rarely) I talk and talk and laugh and laugh….loud and with my eyes …. and when I am sad….I cry, I scream out loud with a pillow on my face, I hit my hand with a wall sometimes….This is all when I am alone and with people I wear a cover on my face I smile at them laugh with them and sometimes put my head down, remove that mask, cry a little, wipe out my tears and wear that mask again ! I hide things with my smiles….I collect courage at night to face people and I use it at the day time ! People never know what is happening inside me or what I am thinking or feeling….even my eyes look normal even after hours of crying…this is a blessing though 🙂 And…..normally I feel empty from inside…lifeless !! With no particular aim in my life. My parents have never felt proud because of me….even if I try hard….

I love my family My mama daddy and three brothers…. And I always prefer praying for them instead of me…They are my everything after Allah !! Have a special relationship with Allah but don’t want to talk anything about it to people.

I may be complicated and broken, but I am a regular girl with same feelings and emotions. I behave decent In public and people say I am mature but I know I am not…I would never be !! I understand life and pain…I am familiar with the realities of life very much. I have experienced life at the age of 20 very much. Girls at my age are full of small wishes and happiess but I don’t have any left with me.

I have a special theory about Love. Yes love…the most complicated thing ever. I know the core of it….I know the theory of it !!

Yes I am depressed and I would have made you depressed too with all this….:) Sorry for that !!

I am not a good writer but I like writing because I don’t speak too much and can’t express what is inside me by speaking. People ask me why do you speak so little….and I answer because I don’t have words to speak….This is in my nature and I have never tried to change it. I feel more comfortable writing things than speaking.

Enough about me I guess 🙂 You must be hating me already…..

And about this blog…….. As you are familiar with my rainbow mood now I can’t write specifically….So In this blog you will find things on every topic depending on my mood I will write 🙂

Tell me your thoughts after reading about me….Am I really out of the world and mad ?

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