‘What Are We’

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Affection, Affliction, Repulsion

Melancholy, Emotions

Blistering Fresh Wound

Elated Cheerful Sound

Our Heart !

Investigating , Envisaging, Answering

Straying And Rambling

Like Clouds

Our Mind !

Hollow, Vaulted, Ephemeral

Argil and Immaterial

A Mere Vessel

Our Body !

What Are We ?

“Wishes And Sufferings”

"Wishes"

“Wishes”

Watching a television show in the morning while eating for starting my fast, I hear some very good discussion between some scholars. It has engaged me into thinking . With the TV remote in my hand, I dive into my past and go far away. The discussion was about wishes and suffering. Its theme was something like this:

Buddhism is a religion indigenous to the Indian subcontinent based on Buddha’s teachings who was an enlightened teacher as known by the men of that time when he was alive. He spend his whole life searching for the root cause for pain and sufferings of human beings. He produced a theory in which he said that the root cause of human suffering is “wishes” . If human can eliminate wishes from his life, He would never feel pain or suffer again. He used to call attainment of the cessation of all suffering as the sublime state of “Nirvana” .

Hazrat Muhammad (P.B.U.H) who is the last messenger of Islam said something same about this theory. He (P.B.U.H) said us to refrain from bad wishes and adopt the good wishes.

I couldn’t agree more with these thoughts. I have started relating my life with these theories. I am rambling into my elapsed years. A flash back has occupied my mind.

I was a girl full of wishes since my childhood. When I was a small kid, I used to wish for the same house as I read in the story “Hansel and Gretel” . They found a house which was made of chocolate and its doors were of candies and toffees. I used to read that story everyday and then I use to dream for that chocolate house. I wished I would be eating chocolate bars from that house and I would never get caught by the witch living there .

Then when I grew up some more, I use to wish for the “Magic Pencil” , From a TV drama in which there was a kid who had a magic pencil and everything he draw with that pencil, becomes real. I use to see him carefully while drawing and the I use to practice drawing for the things I wanted in my life. Some times, lying down before sleeping I use to make stories in my mind about what will I do when I get the pencil. I enjoyed doing that. Back then I didn’t have a sense whether these wishes can be fulfilled ever or not. I never thought about what will happen if they don’t come true. I just wished and wished and I found fun in doing that.

I smile while these thoughts fill my mind . I love recalling my childhood. Childhood is about innocence and playfulness. It is about joy and freedom. I wonder how innocent children are. Without worrying about the future they know how to live in present and how to cherish every moment they have. They never think about the results, they just wish . They don’t wish about things that could become true but they find wishing pleasant so they wish. Wishing makes them happy and they know how to stay happy. Every one wishes to go back into their childhood for the same reason.

As I stepped out of my childhood towards my teenage, My wishes started changing. I started wishing about some real things. I had a wish of going to every country of the world back then. Then I started wishing some more realistically. I wished I get married to a person with a Government job so that when he gets transferred after some months I could visit many cities of my country. I was scared of living at the same place for a long time . I wished for getting good grades and first position in my class. Then I started wishing for looking cuter than my friends. I started wishing for lovely clothes and shoes.

Then there was a time span I never want to think about. It gives me goosebumps ! I should leave it untouched. It scares me. It is the most embarrassing part of my life I never want to reveal to anyone. I guess we all have some secrets hidden deep down in us which we don’t want to reveal to anyone.

And…..now there is this present time. When My wishes have took a complete new meaning. One of my wish eradicated all my other wishes at a time. That one wish produced complete new set of wishes another time. When I think about my wishes at present, I sometimes find myself stupid enough. I had the strangest wishes ever now. I know some of my wishes can never become true but I still wish for them . I know some of my wishes are the hardest, but I still wish for them. I have got rid of the wishes of “Things” completely. But still I have some extraordinary wishes. Some superstitious wishes. I never tell anyone about my wishes. I know they would judge me. I don’t wish like normal people anymore.

I ask myself. Is getting rid of wishes so easy ? Is it possible to reach to the state of “nirvana” ? If not , what was the logic behind this theory ? Is it really possible to get rid of all the suffering and pain? I don’t know. I want to know the way to do this if it really exist !

I have read, wishes are a part of human nature. It is in human blood that he wishes. How would be life like, without wishes ? I ask to myself.

I can understand the other theory though. Wishes can be distinguished into categories. Good wishes and bad wishes. It is good to wish for good things and bad to wish for bad things. But what is the scale for measuring the goodness and badness of wishes ? I guess that is the scale our religion gives us. We can take help from the teachings of our Religion about how to distinguish our wishes. I like this thought. I am distinguishing my wishes now in my mind. What are the wishes bad for me ? And what are the good ones?

This brings me peace somehow. I have passed a big part of my life in pain and suffering over small things. I knew I was emotional and touchy. I knew I expected a lot. I knew I dream t and wished a lot but I never figured out clearly that all my pain was due to these things. Everyone in this world want to get rid of pain and sufferings. But we have to sacrifice our wishes in return. It is a hard deal to do !

And now when I have figured out, What would be the next step ? Is it possible to get rid of your greatest desires so easily ? Is it that easy ? No…I guess ! Not for me.

But I have the code now. I will try. I will try to wish good all the time. I will try to load my “bad wishes” with the good ones, at least, if I won’t be able to erase them. Trying again and again is the only thing I can do ! Hope of getting rid of my pains is all I have. I once read “Dreams are more real than reality itself, they’re closer to the self” .

I get up as the time for eating is over. Starting my new fast with a new concept in mind,  I hope I figure out the ways soon !

 

An Unsorted Unresolved Depress Mind’s Thought On Life……..

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Life…..

………..Starts with a white clean paper. Some words emerge on it. Words which are imperative and which needs to be mastered. As the paper start getting filled with words, The purity and cleanliness starts dissipating. The paper starts stuffing with blotches and eruptions. Marks and stains are dispersed over it. Word by word, a full story behind exclusive words. After a while, the paper looks destroyed and damaged. Words are arduous to read because of more blemishes. The blotches, words and torn ups can never be undone. They are not erasable. After a moment, the paper start tearing apart from places and at last, whole paper is turned into small pieces. This is where it ends.

One paragraph, 6 lines , 120 words , 650 letters ! 

And Life Ends…….!!

Happenings , stories, pain, happiness, sadness, tears, suffering, joy, fun, mood, This altogether makes Life !

Everyday, the same routine , the same people, the same happenings, This altogether passes Life !

Silence, pain, illness, heart attack, accident, suicide, age, This Takes Away Life !

This is the life we cry for ? This is the life we get depressed for ? This is the life we plan for ? This is the life we die for ?

Does it worth everything ?

Life is like a candle… Either it slowly melts away or a harsh breath of wind blows it out of existence.
Brittany Ann Smith

Life is short, but it’s long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.
Josh Billings

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.
Jeff Ross

Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them

Dion Boucicault

Life is wasted on the living.
Douglas Adams

I am scared. Scared of the truth. Scared of Life. Scared of death……..

Scared of the 650 letters…………..

Life ?????????

Late Night Thoughts !

Dark Beautiful Night

Dark Beautiful Night

Standing along the hall way on the second floor in front of my room. It is dark out there.  With the cool breeze passing by me, I look  towards the sky. How can it be so calm and silent ? I question  myself and suddenly burst into tears ! With my lips folded , I am trying to hold back my tears but I can’t. I sat down along the pillar. With tears falling all over my cheeks I started thinking why am I crying. A lot of questions came into my mind and more tears came out. I can hear the echo of questions more clearly now.

I once showed my hand to a girl who knew watching hands with a promise not to tell about my future but just present. She said your mind thinks in so various dimensions at a time. Also you are very sensitive. I feel both things true right now. There are many things going on in my mind. I don’t even decide about which to think of in detail. I just want to know the answers. Why am I not so calm and quiet like this sky, like this night. I am the same dark from inside like this night is and I hide many secrets inside me like this night does.Then why can’t I find peace like this night has in it ?

I just wipe of my tears brutally with my hands and started thinking over again. What am I ? Who am I ? What am I supposed to be ? What should I do ? I am running out of answers. Why do my heart always pinches me inside whenever I see or read something I wished in the past ? Is that wish still inside my heart making me helpless and weak ? I don’t know.

How would I live with the things I never wished about but know they would be a part of my life soon ? Am I that brave ? I guess not. There is fear, there is pain and there is misery. Yes I am scared of my future. I am scared of revelation of my inner self to people who care about me. My mask of happiness is bruised now. It is breaking and I can’t help it.

Is hope an answer to that ? Have I lost hope or Still have it somewhere hidden in my heart ? I can’t think of it. I don’t know it. I am closing my eyes I can’t see my self destroying. It hurts !! It hurts a lot! I wonder why everything seems so deep at night like I feel myself ?

I see people around me with laughter and smiles , playing around with their life and having fun. Then why do I always feel the need to cry ? I want to cry hard right now, I want to scream . I want to take out all the tears and worries and pain inside me all at once. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to console me. to listen to me whatever meaningless things I say. To be with me whatever I say not to leave me alone. And I have no one. I forgot I was like this night, It is alone too.  It can see my real face , it looks right into my eyes and never judges me.

What was the reason I was sent to this earth? What was the reason I was given those great parents and loving family? What was the reason I got all the people in my life I have now ? What was the reason I got the Love Of God by means of Love of human ? Why am I still hanging in between the God’s Love and Human’s love at a time ? No Answers….. My heart is shedding tears silently and my mind is not responding. Probably it has no answers left. No words to say anything that will calm me down.

I wonder why is my vision getting so blur. Why ca’t I see things clearly ? I want to see the depth of this  beautiful night. Everything become so intense and true at night. I want to ask a few things to it. May be it answers ! Resist, Resist and resist ! That is what I do all the time. I resist to express my feelings. I resist to open up. I resist to get things I like. I resist to do things I want. This resistance was an answer to my worries by my True Love. He said if you resist here in this world, you will get everything in the next one and the next one is far more long and good then this one. I am acting upon it ! It seems hard sometimes but I try my best. He said don’t do things which I don’t like and I try not to do them He said you will succeed if you do what I tell you in my book. I try to follow everything. He says you will find peace if you will come to me five times a day. I do it, but I don’t find peace. I want to know the answer, why ? Why am I still empty handed ?

I know these questions would keep biting me inside until I would be eaten and destroyed completely. I hope My True Love give me answers to these. I want to be with Him. I want to get Him. I love when He talks to me and show me signs. Hope is a single way for me now. Hope brings happiness and hope is the answer, ambiguous but that’s all I have. As Einstein says,   “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

I just saw clouds floating on the sky. They look beautiful. Darkness is getting lighter slowly. I stood up , walk with tired steps towards my bed. Here I sleep , again with headache spreading all over my head and tears making my pillow wet. Another night passed, Hoping for a bright morning to come!

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