The Cute Little Angel and Cancer

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I was constantly staring at that cute little fairy wandering in the crowd fearlessly. She was probably 5 or 6 years old, wearing a stunning pink and white dress. Half of her hair were tied in a band while half of them were scattered on the forehead. It was a traditional Mehndi function and the stage In front of the groom was covered in lighted candles fixed in small clay containers. She would go running towards the stage and try to touch those candles and her mother would come to her, pick her up and take her back to the table where her family was sitting. She was eager to touch the candles so whenever her mother would get busy she would run towards the stage.

In that boring purposeless function, the only prettiest thing that indulged me was that beautiful angel. I love babies and children and I always wished I could have a cute baby girl like her. Her Mother gave birth to her brother a month ago. They live in UK and are our relatives.

Today I heard that she is diagnosed with blood Cancer. I was shocked and terrified and I felt like my heart has stopped beating for a while. Such a cute little angel and such a dreadful disease. She is so small so innocent how would she bear such intense pain. My heart is crying for her since I have heard the news, I am worried about her and about her family specially her Mother. How would she see her little angel in such a pain. From where would she collect the courage ?

I can’t express what I am feeling right now. The point of sharing these News with you is only that you pray for her health and her long life. I have heard, and witnessed that prayers are very powerful. If everyone of you who reads my post will pray for her, may be Allah listens and May be He gives her health back to her. After all, He is the merciful and Kind.

Please take out some seconds from your busy life and give her a beautiful gift of Dua. May she recovers very soon. Ameen !

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Under The Spell Of Black Magic….!

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I had been thinking about the magical things I have been hearing these days too often So here I am sharing them with you.

This is a true story from 9 to 10 years ago when I was a little kid and used to sleep in my Mom’s room on a separate small bed. I still remember it because it gives me goose bumps still when I recall it.

It was the time of mid night and everyone was sleeping. Suddenly I woke up and saw a shadow moving towards my Mom’s bed. It sat down beside her on her pillow. I felt scared and I cried “Mom there is someone sitting beside you” . She was so sleepy and without opening her eyes she pulled out her hand and punched that thing on his back with her fist and then slept again. And I was not watching a dream because I heard the sound of punching. That thing, then stood up and started walking towards the door and disappeared ! When I told my mom in the morning she said she remember me crying but there was nothing else she could recall.

I am not sure whether that really happened or I was dreaming. Since my childhood I have heard of so many stories about magic and ghosts and people who tell them claim them to be true.

Another incident happened to my father when I was in college. He went out of station and when he returned at night, his clothes were covered with blood stains. We were all so worried. He then told that he was walking towards the train and he felt like someone has pushed him from the rear and suddenly his clothes were all covered with blood and he fainted. One of the persons near by took him to his shop. He was a Hafiz-e-Quran (People who know Quran by heart) and he told my dad that
the blood is not human blood and he has been attacked by black magic, but he survived. My mom used to tell me that the same thing happened to my dad when I was a little baby. He was sitting in someone’s shop and he was covered in blood within an instant. Than he went to Qaari Saab ( Pious Hafiz-e-Qran) and he told him that he survived the attack because he was reciting Quranic verses at that time.

Despite this, I haven’t seen any type of Magic related thing in my whole life. I have listened to the stories of my friends but since I have not seen them with my eyes I don’t believe in them. I have heard stories how close relatives do magic on people out of jealousy or some other reasons and what effects this magic could have on them.

Magic can be done for giving financial crisis to people, for causing them health problems and diseases, for stopping their minds to work for studies or job, for making a person paralyze, causing heart attack or even death. I wonder how could these people sleep at nights but I have heard those people getting ruined and destructed after-wards. Some stores were related to how some homes can be under the spell of Ghosts and how they irritate people to leave them. They even go inside small kids and scare other family members.

People use different things to make magic work. These things include small written papers, small pieces of clothes, blood, meat or bones of some animal and things like that and these things are buried or hid at some place where no one could see them. And then by discarding these things and reciting proper verses the spell can be broken.

Seems like the typical Horror series or movie story ! It is weird though how we think these serials to be stupid and believe in things happening to the lives of people around us.

People who have seen these things with their own eyes believe in them and people who haven’t seen them, think them to be absurd. Specially the ‘modern’ people. I don’t know about their truth except the things I have seen by myself. But I do believe that ghosts exist and they live in this world like we do. I have also read that there is a third dimension of this world where
these type of things exist and they could sometimes interfere in the lives of humans too due to some unknown reasons. I also have heard that Ghosts have certain limitations and they can not always enter the human world .

I don’t have any kind of proof of any of these assumption to be right or wrong. I am just curious to know the hidden truths of this universe. I love Horror movies and novels too , have read couple of them and I am not scared of ghosts…  Our knowledge and wisdom is limited… God knows how many other creatures are living with us and may be reading this article with me as I am writing it ! 😉

The magic spell culture is increasing in Pakistan among the uneducated and foolish people. I have no idea whether people of other countries have to face it too or not ! Do YOU have any scary story from your own life ?

Grave Is Your Destination…

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** Urdu lines are taken from a Naat read by Junaid Jamshed.

Duniya k aye musaafir , Manzil teri Qabar hai

Manzil teri qabar hai…

Tay ker raha hai jo tu, do din ka ye safar hai

du din ka ye safar hai…

O traveler of the world, grave is your destination

Grave is your destination…

The one you are travelling, is a two days exploration

Is a two days exploration…

Sitting at the back seat in the car by window side, she settled her head at corner of the window glass. Her eyes were wandering along the trees and the roads…. people of different ages on various vehicles, In a hurry to reach somewhere, to do something…. alone or with their families…. Colorful clothes…. Chatting , smiling faces…… Energetic and glowing children running by the road side…. bright blue clouds…. It was Eid day… Eid which is a second name for happiness……..

Ankhon sa tu nay apni , kitnay janazay dekhay ?

Hathon sa tunay  apnay , dafnay kitnay murday ?

Dafnay Kitnay murday….

Anjam sa tu apnay , kyun itna be khabar hai ?

Kyun Itna Be khabar hai…

With your own eyes, how many funerals have you witnessed ?

With your own hands, How many dead’s have you buried ?

How many dead’s have you buried…

Of your consequence, why are you so ignorant ?

Why are you so ignorant…

She had a bad mood since morning that day… She cried over small things… It was Eid ! She was supposed to be happy but she locked herself in her room and cried her heart out laying down on the floor… She realized her last Eid was the same… It started with tears too…and the third last Eid….and the previous ones… She realized ‘Eid’s ‘ are not made for her…. She realized her ‘Eid’ had not come yet… She realized she had no part in today’s happiness…… Or any happiness at all ?

Why ? Why don’t I have the right to feel happy like normal people ? Why don’t you feel me ? She had questions for Him….. He was not answering !

Then she realized she had been thinking about her past and the future , all her life…every moment of her present , she never had a present. Her present was filled with thoughts of the past or worries of the future. She thought, what If she dies today , this very moment ? What has she done to herself ?

Makhmal main sonay walay, mitti main so rahay hain

shah o gada yaha per , sub ek ho rahay hain

Sab aik ho rahay hain….

Dono hoye barabar ye mout ka asar hay

Ye mout ka asar hai…

The ones who slept in silk, are sleeping now in clay

Kings and servants here, are all getting same…

Are all getting same…

Both got equal, this is the effect of death

This is the effect of death…

Her mom was calling her….She was saying her to get ready…to wear colorful clothes…to be lively…. And she was dead already. She never knew for what parents is this said,  that they can know what is in your heart by looking at your eyes…

She had to be happy for the ones who love her and who can’t see her sad. She had to live in present for some time. She had to get rid of the unending dark loneliness inside her… May be thinking about life is not what should be done. May be death is the ultimate truth to be thought of….She stood up. She had to fake it again.

After all the fear of death follows from the fear of life….

 

 

Happy Post # 1

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Wandering Eyes and never ending sleepless nights

Headaches ! Restlessness and Severe Hunger at its height

Mind full of questions to inquire about the Mortal life

Blocked brains and frightening Horror filled in eyes

Though enjoyed the time, had fun being a rover

But still, Thank God ! My exams Period is Over  😉

 

Yes ! I just took (most probably) the last exams of my life. Final presentation is still ahead but unofficially I am retired from studies. Back to home now , with all my luggage . Took a day to clear out the cupboards and draws of my room to make it worth-living again… And my “Cooking 101” and “How to manage Home 101″ Courses have been started by my Mom. Four more months to go !I am having a flu these days with a blocked head and flowing nose 😛 *Sneeze* But still, things are better !

I wanted to clear out some things to my dearest readers before replying to their comments on my previous post. First of all, I apologize for being so late in writing and replying to you, as you know I was hell busy ! I read your comments time to time but never got a chance to reply to them.

Secondly, I wanted to clear out the ‘Sad and Always Crying” Image of me, you guys have in your minds. Some months back, when I made this blog , I had a sole purpose of pouring out all the feelings storming inside me because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I did the same, but I never had the idea that I would make so many friends here and would feel like having a ‘virtual’ family. I love all my family members now . Anyway, so when I wrote sad and teary every time when I got sad, I guess people made a concept in their mind that I always remain that heartbroken and pessimistic.

I want to tell you guys, I am a (Its hard to say myself normal for me , so I would skip that) person like other persons of the world who sometimes suffer from depression and is extra sensitive to things I observe but that doesn’t make me an “always sad” person. I don’t have anyone to talk to and I love sharing my feelings with this blog. I can never wear a mask and pretend on this blog at-least. Yes, I , most of the time come to this blog when I am feeling worse. And I crave less to share happiness than to share my pain , but that’s not my fault.

You want me to write happy ? Ok I will. But then I won’t be honest. I would feel like I am connecting with you people the same way I connect myself , or to be precise pretend myself to be with other people in my life.

I can’t say I am sad, nor can I say I am happy ! I feel what I feel… Have sometimes a whole happy day, sometimes a whole day crying and sometimes a “crying at times, and smiling at others” day.  I am Thankful to God for everything , I stay happy and I laugh too ! Its just that I share more when I cry.I AM like that….. I feel hard to change myself. So I would leave the decision to you guys….What do you want me to write ?

Love you all…. Thanks for staying with me always and remembering me. I Love You ! *Sneeze*

May Be I Am Thinking Too Much !

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I have no memories of my childhood with my parents. Every time I sit back and start thinking , How I use to be with my parents, what were the things I did with them, anything ? There comes nothing ! Except the things told by other people and my parents. They tell me I was so adorable and everyone who see me wants to hold me … There are pictures of me when I was 2 or 3 years old and then there is a complete blank without any pictures till I was 14 or 15. May be my parents lost their camera in my childhood.

I have some memories of this time period in school and with my friends. I remember every friend I had during it. I remember how we use to play , how we use to chat with each other and how we use to spend the recess time during school.

I remember I use to make houses with dry mud ! I was expert in it back then. All my friends use to gather around me sitting in the mud with clean white uniforms and we had no fear of ‘how we look’ to the people back then. They use to gather accessories for the house I was making. Some leaves , some yellow fur like thing and some beads like things from the trees and some colorful wrappers ! Till then I make a pile of dry mud and through it , I use to make the first floor and plain it with my hands. So perfect like we plain the surface of Cake with cream while making it . Then the second floor and some times the third floor. Then comes the turn of accessories and I use to decorate it like I am doing a task that would change my life, so keenly. When it was done, my friends use to clap for me .

May be back then I had a thought embedded in my mind , of my future. May be back then I knew I won’t have a chance to make the home of my choice and decorate it . May be I knew I would be forced to live in a home that would be never a home for me. So I already fulfilled all my wishes for a home with mud and tree accessories !

I remember I was the best in every game we use to play . I ran faster than each of my friend and won every single race back then. We use to play doge-the-ball , hide-and-seek, catch-me and many other games and I always use to win. My friends use to fight with each other to become my partner in any game. I was the one they look up to when deciding what game we will play and for resolving the fights.

May be back then I knew I would lose at every single step in my real life. So I won everything already back then. I already felt the pleasure of winning. I never realized life is not a game. We can win games but even the best player loses in his life !

I had a special pattern regarding my studies. I noticed it when I was 15. I stood first in class for the first , second and third years. Then I was an average or you can say below average in fourth, fifth and sixth years. Then again I topped my class in the seventh , eighth and ninth years. Tenth year was a disaster ! It was the year I started getting spoiled . Followed by the first two years of college. Making again the three years. Now in university I have passed four years and they were remarkably good. I would never be able to understand this cycle related to my studies. I want to know though.

I Guess I need a psychiatrist. May be he could give me answers I want to know. But I know I would never be able to ask anyone .

Three weeks back when I was in my home and it was the last day there. I had to come back here in hostel the next day. I was laying down with all my family. My dad, mom, and the brothers. We were chatting and then my dad started recalling his past. The things I heard were shocking !

He told us that he always felt alone back then even with his parents and siblings around. He said there is a hollowness inside him that was never filled even by his daughter and sons and wife ! He said when he was 15 he felt this hollowness so much that he started saying that his parents are not real and he is adopted that is why he feels like this. When his parents , my grandfather asked him why he is saying all this. He said you should know the answer. You are my parents and you are behind everything I feel since the childhood. My mom then told me that my father had a diary that was filled till the end with poetry. All sad poetry with the same topics , loneliness and sadness.

Tears were falling down from my eyes and absorbing in the pillow as I was hearing this. But it was dark so no one could see them. I was shocked and hurt at the same time while knowing this. These were the same feelings all he described that I use to feel all my life. The same pattern. the same hollowness the same pain. He dared asking his parents why is he like this. I never had courage to ask them . I have seen Him the same close to Allah like I am. No one other can feel him the way I can. I can’t put it into words but his life seems to me same like mine.

I would never gather enough courage to ask him the same questions he asked his parents. I know how much he would be hurt , knowing that he had to give all the answers he searched for all his life. Knowing that his little girl has grown up, and she feels the same as he did all his life. I can feel his pain…

I kept thinking all night, Are feelings and emotions genetic ? Is pain genetic ? Are sufferings and the after effects of the sufferings genetic ? Is the way of thinking genetic ? Is it possible that the way my father use to fight with himself it was genetically passed on to me ?

I wondered and there was no answer. May be this condition has some name and it has been proved to be a genetic thing by science. May be not.

May be I am thinking too much.

In The Loving Memory Of My Grand Ma

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I am roaming right now way back in my past. About 9 years ago. When I was a little girl and I remember my whole family used to visit my uncle’s house where my Grand Ma lived. We use to be so excited the day we had to go there. My mom used to dress us up nice. And as we entered the house, My aunt and uncle came to the door to welcome us and we ran towards the bed of my Grand ma. She was always waiting for us already. She used to kiss me and my brothers on the forehead. And then used to take out some money from her pocket, very new shinning currency and give it to us. We felt so happy to have it. I sit around my grand ma on her bed all day till we went back.

And I remember once she came at our house to stay for some days. I use to sing some religious words to her and she listened carefully and corrected me where I was wrong. She tried to learn those words from me. And when she went back at uncle’s, I use to say to my mom that I can still hear my Grand ma’ s voice in our house and my mom use to smile at me. I slept with her and she told me stories. I still know the stories by heart. There were two stories one about a girl and one about a couple . She used to tell these stories again and again to me until I sleep.

Then I remember going to her house almost 7 years ago. I was in 9th class and somehow mature than before. I use to sit with her and she asked about things . about my studies, about my fathers relatives. I asked her about her past and she told me she was a kid when they people traveled to our country and settled here at the time of independence. My mom use to tell me she has passed a very hard life but she was so strong. My Grand pa died when my mom was young. And my Grand Ma did everything for her children that she could.

And there was that day when we got a phone call that she is sick and we should gather at my uncle’s. I was sent to school and all my family went there. When they reached she was taking her last breaths. After a minute or two she died. I didn’t even get to see her last time alive. I was at my relatives when my mom called me from there and told me about her death. I was not sensible enough at that time but I loved her so much. I started crying . My dad came and took me to that place where she was lying. I still can see her face in front of my eyes. It was peaceful and quiet. Every one was crying there. My mom was crying so hard and it was hard for me to see her and my Grand ma too at the same time like this. I sat down near her death bed. I touched her face with my finger. I found myself crying loud ….so loud. I cried and cried and I heard some women saying something would happen to her stop her from crying but I never cared or listened. There were tears and pain everywhere. And then they took her away.

I missed her so much. I don’t really remember what happened after we came back home but I remember I use to recite some verses for her and use to pray for her everyday. I don’t really have many childhood memories but the memories with my grand ma are quiet clear.

Sometimes we realize the importance of people when they are gone. Sometimes we lose important people before they can be more important to us in future. I lost my Grand ma so early. There is a place in my heart that has a special respect and love for my grand ma. I always wish to have someone like my Grand ma , so loving and sweet and to with I can take advice and discuss my matters. I always like old people and she was my grand ma. I loved her the most. Good people go back from this world early. She was a lovely person. She was beautiful.Words are not sufficient to describe how valuable she was.

We can’t change fate. We have no control on what is already written. We can just sit around and see what life gives us and what it takes away from us. It took away my grand ma when I needed her the most. Death is the last chapter in time, but the first chapter in eternity.Reality sucks sometimes but there is no other way but to accept it. I can’t forget her love, care and indulgence. I love you Grand Ma and I pray for you here on earth. I hope you are happy and satisfied there.

I love you and I miss you so much and will miss you through the rest of my life…….!

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