In a dark room covered with a sheet of sheer silence and stillness, I lie on my bed gazing at the fan on the ceiling. The hammering of my own heart is filling my ears. A thousand thoughts are exploding in my mind like shards of broken glass that are shattering the stillness. My eyes are narrowing to thin slits, full of derision. Every thing seems still outside, but there are extreme explosions happening inside.
Suddenly I felt, there is someone sitting right beside me. A girl like me. Her face was like a barren land on which it hasn’t been raining since long. Or like small rigid stones attached together to make a face. Her hair were Rusty, and out dazzled. Her eyes were bulging out , of dark red color. She was altogether scary, like a witch from a fairy tale.
An icy chill ran up my spine and my blood felt cold to me. Stunned, I felt an urge to scream loud. But I can’t, I was in shock. Th shock induced a faint trembling and I drew a long breath to overcome my fear. I bent my neck slowly towards her face and Asked her “Who are you and Why are you here ? ”
She, after a while, Pulled her face upward and struck her hair behind her ears with her fingers. Blood was coming out of her eyes and there was something in her eyes that made me scared, Not because of fear, but because of the Misery I saw in her eyes. She spoke slowly, “Look at my face, into my eyes. Don’t you see Who am I ?”
I slide some closer towards her . As I took a closer look , I was astounded to see her face was my face. Her eyes were my eyes and her hair were my hair. She was me ! How is that possible ? I am sitting right beside my own self ? But I wasn’t in a dream .It was all real. I , the other I, was real too ! I felt cold. I couldn’t feel my hands and feet, and when I opened my mouth to speak no words came, in fact I was not able to make any sound at all.
At last after a while of fight with my own self, I decided to have a conversation with my self. I tried to ask her some questions. Questions which were always unanswered and I was in eternal search of their answers. I opened my mouth, and an unfamiliar sound came out this time. My voice shattered the silence as I spoke. I started questioning her, Myself, My Reflection.
I: Who Am I ? What is my importance in this world ?
My Reflection: Sometimes in life, we reach a point where every relationship ends. Only we are left alone with Allah there. Mother, father, brother, sister friend, no one is there. Then we come to know there is no land underneath our feet and no sky above our head. There is only Allah who is still holding us in air. Then we come to know we are not worth than a grain in a pile of mud or a small leaf on a big tree. Then we come to know it makes no difference to anyone whether we are here or not. The one who get affected, is our self. There is no change in the whole universe, nothing changes . This is me, This is my worth !
I:Why do people think bad of me ?
My reflection: I am a scandalized and stigmatized girl in eyes of everyone. Because People often don’t accept you when you choose the right path. You have to give exam at every point of your life and this is one of the exams.
I:Why can’t I forget the one who is not mine ?
My reflection: I have no control on my heart nor on my tears. It was Allah who gave him a place in my heart. He put so much love for a human in my heart that I always pray for him In front of Allah. He made me so miserable.
I am a human and I am made with all the weaknesses which are a characteristic of humans. That human love is standing in my every path. He is not allowing me to go anywhere. I wish Allah make his love vanish from my heart in a way that I
can’t even think of him for the rest of my life or He make my love mine. I will cry for his love all my life if I don’t get him. I want to make my tears pure for Allah. I want to love Allah with all my heart. Make my tears pure. Ease my pain. I wish and I beg !
I: Why didn’t Allah gave me my Love?
My Reflection: If there is no integrity and sincerity in love, You can’t get it. I loved him with all the truth and sincerity. But integrity of one side wasn’t enough to achieve The ultimate truth, Love. May be Allah has to give you His love in exchange of your human Love !
I: What is next to ecstasy ?
I: What is next to pain ?
My Reflection: “Nothingness”
I: What is next to nothingness?
My Reflection: “Hell”
I: What is next to hell?
My Reflection: You are not scared ?
I: Of what?
My Reflection: Of hell? There is nothing next to it. Everything is left behind .You have faced a time when you understood everything. you have stopped laughing now. you are scared, of death and of hell. You don’t realize it yet. You are hanging in between pain and nothingness. Try to move back on this path. You don’t want hell, you shouldn’t ! The face behind your fake mask is me. You have chosen the right path, now stick to it. You have all the answers of your questions, You just don’t have the courage to face and fight with the reality. Avoiding despair and hoping key to success.
Then she brought out a shining pearl out of her pocket, She called it hope. She put that pearl slightly in my hand and folded my hand with her fingers. She came close to me, Closer enough and got absorbed in my body . There was silence all over again and My fast breath was trying to shatter it. I found myself covered with heavy sweat and My eyes were wide open. I saw a mask right where she was sitting some time ago. I picked it up and put it on my face.
I was sleeping, again like always. Sleep….That make me forget myself for some time.
I went through the process of self-awareness and I had a small pearl in my hand. A pearl that seems to be the solution of every problem ! At least to me !
“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
― C.G. Jung
Note: The answers by ‘My reflection’ were inspired by the famous novel “Peer-e-kamil (PBUH)” By Umera Ahmed. I love this novel and I love it more every time I read it.