I should laugh.

What should I call myself ? Huh !

A loser ? A psycho patient ? A dumb idiot ? Sorry I can’t come up with a better word.

My life has been a total disaster…..I have been living in the house of my own imaginations.

All my life I thought I shouldn’t show my tears to my parents…I shouldn’t share my problems with the….They should never see me crying….. Why ? Because I thought they might get worried….I thought I have never given them any happiness so I have no right to give them pain because of me.

And today I am laughing at my thoughts. I am making fun of my own self…..

I was lying on my bed….crying and sobbing…..Reason was my parents.

They stood in the the door way…watching me. And then they left. They didn’t even say a word.  They didn’t even ask why am I crying.

They didn’t even thought I am dying for their one sentence of sympathy and care.

I am witnessing the pile of my imagination about my parents scattered on the ground right now….. And I am laughing…..

Happiness means smiling and laughing….Yeah?

So I am happy……I am so happy.

Because I know now, my parents don’t give a F*** !!

I was wandering in a black hole with no start or end and suddenly I am at the dead end !

(16th november 2013….A post written while crying and in extreme emotional imbalance)

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A Thorn……….

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The World is not heaven…. The world is not heaven…… A voice echoed in my ears and tore them apart along with my heart….. This world is not heaven………..

Then why did you show it to me…why did you let me feel it…why did you let me see it…. for some seconds…. for some bits…. why didn’t you kept it hidden from my eyes….

And now that I have seen my heaven why can’t I get it here ? It is very hard for me to see my heaven some steps away from me and I feel impossible to get it….. I stretch both my hands and I run fast but I can’t get there…. I return each time to the point where I started….. why ? because this world is not heaven…..

I got aware of what is meant by heaven and what is meant by living hell that day….. I got aware of the hidden meanings… The meanings about which people say, some things are better unknown !

I am burning in  the fire…. The fire of my wishes…. Wishes which are not about things of this world… wishes which are about having a life….I don’t have any right of ‘living’ ? I was born to live dead ? The fire burns me inside…… I can’t breathe….

Iqbal says us to destroy ‘Me’ …. To destroy the self….. To live for others…. Then where did this fire come from ? He never mentioned it….. What is this then ?

Allah says the pain that takes me close to Him is an exam for me and the pain that takes me away from him is a punishment.

My pain took me closer to Him…. Can sins take people closer to Him ? I am confused.

I once read, Bigger the sin bigger is the gift after you repent. The gift of pain is too much to handle…. But the gift of Him is everything to hold on to…. I can’t decide who am I ?

I don’t know why I am crying from last… I don’t know how many hours and I don’t know how I slept in his feet today…. I don’t know why I feel Him so close to me right now…. I don’t know why I want to quit….quit this world and go to Him…. I don’t know why I am me…..

I feel jealous….I feel jealous of the people who say they are happy and satisfied…. I feel jealous of the people who can talk about Him for hours and then do things opposite to the one they just said….

Do I deserve craving for the only only wish I had ? Yes May be.

I am nothing, With you I am everything……. 30-1-2013

It pricks like a thorn….. It pricks like a thorn………. This world is not heaven… It burns like fire…. It cuts like a knife…. And it pricks like a thorn……

 

 

 

 

The Fairy Tale Of My Life…..

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This time the sparkling transparent rain drops….. like the pearls on ocean……Have turned me to Rapunzel…..

Beautiful she was….with her long beautiful gleaming hair and big glowing eyes……

But she was a prisoner……She was allowed to see the beauty of the world through a window…but she can’t feel it…..She knew the world is not for her….

At the moment standing here in my window……Listening to the melody of heavy rain falling on plants and trees outside….feeling the chilly wind on my skin…..and looking at the vast beautiful world outside…… I feel like Rapunzel……

There is greenery everywhere…. Colorful flowers, green fresh grass, beautiful plants with shining leaves, chilled fresh breeze, blue sky and rain…….. The world is so beautiful…..

I want to dance…..in the water standing in grass…….I want to dance madly….

I want to spread my arms and look above closing my eyes…..I want to dance in rain……

I want to feel the breeze going through me….Making my soul fresh and clean……While the Rain drops take away all my dirt……

But I can just stand here and dream….. This beautiful world is so fancy….and yet so artificial to me….. Like a fairy tale….Of Rapunzel….

I can stare at happiness but I know it is not for me…..I can gaze at the beauty….but I know it does not belong to me……

I can’t just step forward and do what I dream of….I am a prisoner…..Like Rapunzel….

Is life so beautiful like the world….. Or this all is a fairy tale…. Soon the rain will stop and the world will get back to normal….with all its imperfections…..

Iqbal Says :

 “Destroy whatever does not suit you.

Create a new world out of your own self.

A free man feels unhappy.

To live in a world of others.”

Is it really possible…..Why thinking of this theory causes an inner happiness……A new world….Of my choice……Beautiful….

We should learn to live the moment to its best……But I am not able to learn it yet……Is life a mere continuity of breaths or something more ?

Rapunzel was a princess…..She was in a fairy tale…That is why she got her price and lived ‘Happily Ever After’…….

There is no Happily Ever After in real life……

She didn’t see her prince fading away with someone else in this beautiful world…….

She didn’t felt the ugliness of life…..I ceased to be in an eternal paradise like her….Where there is neither a pang of love, nor yearnings nor a sympathizer.

Fairy tales are ‘overrated’……We are what we experience…..I chose thorns instead of flowers…..Now I stand here and desperation to go out is justified…..

“You lack the lamentation of a nightingale

Because you are bereft of a burning soul in your body;

In the garden where plucking of flowers is not prohibited,

You have not wounded yourself by the pointed thorns.”

— Iqbal

I stand here and yet I am not here….I am dancing in the rain…..Hair flying freely with the wind…..Closed eyes thinking of Him…..I am His Co-worker…..And I sing…….

“Thou created the night, I the lamp;

Thou created the clay, I the vase !

Thou created the jungle, mountains and deserts,

I created gardens, orchards and flower plots!

It is I who make glass out of stone,

It is I who extract elixir out of poison.”

— Iqbal

And yet the journey begins…………The eternal search……Search of divine………..The conquest of time and space…….

We feel we will die when we are thirsty…..And yet we are indulged in other things when we get water….We don’t even remember our thirst could have killed us…… No one dies of thirst….. Death comes on time and according to His wish….. So Many things in this mortal world become our thirst that we have to die a thousand times before our death……

[In urdu]                               Meri Zindagi tou firaaq hai, woh azal se dil main makeen sahi

Wo nigah’e_shauq se door hain, rag’e_jaan se lakh qareen sahi

Hamein jaan dainee hai aik din, wo kisi tarah wo kahin sahi

Hamein aap khainchiye daar par, jo nahi koi tu hameen sahi

Sar_e_toor ho sar_e_hasher ho, hamein intizaar qubool hai

Wo kabhi milein, wo kahin milein, wo kabhi sahi, wo kahin sahi

Na ho un pe kuch mera bass nahi, k ye aashqi hai hawas nahi

Mai unhi ka tha, mai unhi ka hoon, wo mere nahi tu nahi sahi

Mujhe bhaithne ki jaga milay, meri aarzoo ka bharam rahay

Teri anjuman mein agar nahi,teri anjuman k qareen sahi

tera dar tau hum ko na mil saka, teri rahguzar ki zameen sahi

hamain sajda karne se kaam hai, jo wahan nahin tau yahin sahi

meri zindagi ka naseeb hai nahin door mujh se qareeb hai

mujhay uska ghum tau naseeb hai wo agar nahin tau nahin sahih

jo ho faisala wo sunaaiye usay hashr pe na uthaiye

jo karain gay app sitam wahan wo abhi sahi wo yehin sahi

Use dekhne ki jo low lagi tu Naseer dekh hi lain gey hum

Wo hazaar aankh se door ho, wo hazaar pardah nasheen sahi

— Naseer-ud-din Shah

My Life , A Pendulum !

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Touching the heights…..Changing state………Lowering to ground……changing state…….. Touching the heights……..My life is a pendulum !!

I am having some weird days…… It is like someone is forcing me to stay happy and I can’t absorb it……

I am being forced to stay and hang out with people who have the most worst Image of me in their minds and they hate me…….

I am being forced to enjoy the things which kill me inside when I think about the reason I am doing them…….

I am being forced not to cry by feeling the pain of cramps all over my body because I am made tired physically……

I am being forced not to think about the things which make me sad by making me busy in some abnormal tensions from study life……

I am being forced not to think continuously as I use to do by giving me severe headaches….

I am being forced to live with people who are not my fate by pushing people who are my fate, away from me……

I am being forced not to write by inserting words in my mind and not giving me time to write them down……

And I am not sure if I am being forced or I am the one doing them with my choice !!

I don’t want to be a pendulum anymore….. I want to move upward……Higher enough to reach Him……….

I am being forced to stop my journey…….. WHY ?

May be because this is another phase I have to go through……. I am missing the previous days….

I am missing my home……. My mind has not accepted the reality yet and it has started living in fantasies…..

I just need a shock….a collapse…a trauma…..a stroke…..a jolt…..another punch on my face !!

To see the reality again,…… I am already seeing my suffering in very near future….In 15 days or less….. And maybe that is why I am being forced to enjoy some moments……

I have learnt being a pendulum for so long….. People don’t have time to think about you…. Your death or absence effects you and only you…… You are a fool if you think you are important for someone…….

I know the truths and yet still I close my eyes for them…….

I am a fool….and I am having some weird days….. I know what life is going to give me and yet I am closing my eyes……..

I am a coward !!

I am sorry for being absent from here…..I told you I am having some weird days…..

My life is a pendulum and it is changing its state again…….

 

“Go With The Flow” VS “The Positive Theory”

I was once talking to a friend. He told me a story.

He said I was once sitting with a friend and He asked me how is everything going ?

And I replied               ” Just going with the flow”.

He then replied          ” Only dead straws go with the flow”

That was thought provoking. I use to apply the same theory to my life. Whenever my heart pinches me, I don’t want this to happen to you. I used to tap it gently and said ‘”just go with the flow”.

Whenever there was some problem in my life, I used to say to myself  “just go with the flow”.

Whenever I feel depressed and broken and find no way out, I wanted things to get normal again, I put my head down and remind myself of “just go with the flow” thing.

Now I feel I was dead from inside and I never tried to wake up myself. my mind and heart were dead. And i had accepted that death of them I was living with dead inner self.

But now, at the age of almost 22, I feel it wrong. I was wrong in thinking about my future. I was wrong in thinking about what will happen to me next and why. I used to think whatever happens to me, I deserved it ! It was due to what I did in the past. But I was being negative !! I was hopeless !!

I noticed one of my friends. I have seen her being negative about so many things but she never thought negative about her future. She always says something good will happen to me, she never felt hopeless like me. Even she use to dream really big about her future life. And I have seen her every wish coming true. Even I feel it like a miracle. We use to make fun of her like she has a losers approach or something. She always said she don’t try but she wishes , and her wishes comes true. Trying with wishing will make it even better I guess !!

I have noticed so many people who apply just go with the flow theory in their life and do nothing , wish nothing and pray nothing for it. On the other hand, people doing nothing but thinking positive got success!

Once I read about the positive energy. They say whenever you think something about anything very much, It will eventually come to you. Like when you will think positively, all the positive energies of universe will collectively start trying to get that thing to you … and eventually that will come to you. And this is true. The same happens when you think negative about something. Our mind emits positive and negative rays as we think and these rays eventually become a cause to get that thing for us. There is some science involved in it. As many secrets of universe are yet to be revealed, it may be one of them.

(more…)

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