O December…

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December…. A symbol of sadness and pain, quiet and peace, calmness and reticence. A symbol of unearned Love, unwanted desires and unanswered prayers. Mournful feelings of melancholy and gloom are embedded in its essence. Chilled winds full of woes an abyss….

Friedrich Nietzsche says

“When you stare into the abyss, it stares back at you”

December…. was never like this for me. I read thousands of quotes describing about its sad essence and many people discussing about its sorrowful qualities but I never believed them. It was like other months of the year for me until now….

When In the center of snow , I stand

See white snow  falling on the dry land

When chilling winds give me shiver

Sadness prevailed, Tears do wither

I see myself lost in the winds and snow

And here I stand, with agony and woe

Both my best friends yet worst enemies

And here I stand, invisible and vanished

Like shadows vanishing with nights

Cold that makes our inside, cold !

Blood freezes inside veins, Lifeless heart

Pumps it hard but never succeeds

And I am left with the effortless efforts and

unanswered questions, question marks

When every way I see is not for me

And I want to move, without ways , in abyss

White Darkness; The only thing I see

Rays of hope fainted , I am abandoned

In the horrifying cage of December…..

Empty handed I stand, Lifeless I grow

A soul-less statue I form, lost in the glow

Of December, The month of gloom and abyss…..

O December….

“He had been walking for a long time, ever since dark in fact, and dark falls soon in December.”

(“The Old House In Vauxhall Walk”)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Dream………

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Slept hearing the sounds of her own sobs and weep

On a damp pillow , swollen eyes and heart with cuts deep

Wakes up gliding in a sea of her own tears

With nobody around , Loneliness and no fears

 

She lie there with arms bent around her knees

Staring at the pervasive vastness of limitless seas

People who modified her life were not around

Busy in their own lives they made her astound

 

Alone she stand to face her life planned by them

To reveal and to hunt, whether to find sand or a gem

She thought she had cried over her loss for long

Now she had to take a step forward and be strong

 

Life has to pass, through laughs or through cries

Choosing the easy way is clever, higher she flies

Leaving behind everyone she loved before

Preparing herself to love one’s she never adore

 

Looking at the reflection of her face in pool of her own tears

She threw into it, her love her dreams, wishes and her fears

Shivering inside, feeling helpless, lonely but calm and quiet

She bestowed herself to Him, He is the one who is just right

 

Preparing to fly high, she looks at the clear blue sky

Shoulders without burden , she took a warm sigh

Wishing to feel all her life , the same optimism’s gleam

But sad she was , because this was only a dream…..!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Am Getting Married.

Yes I am getting married. It took me 1 and a half YEAR to realize this single reality…I am getting married.

Though the things beyond this fact are blur. Getting married to whom ? What do I feel ? Why I am doing this ? Why is all this happening ? Everything is blur.

I am going to be a computer scientist in another month. I Love my field now . I got the highest grades and GPA In my class. I am a so called intelligent student in the eyes of teachers. And yet….I am getting married. Just after the completion of my studies.

People say me to be optimistic about my future ! Can I ? Yes I know I should………..!!

The one I wished to pass all my life with….saw all my future dreams with….planned my future with…..is lost in the fog of time and fate !

The one I am going to have a future with….. I never thought about him….I have no feelings , an empty heart for him. This is the future I have to look up to !

I don’t know If I won’t be getting married , I would be doing any job or studying further , My life would be better in Future.

I don’t know either my life would be good with all that seems obvious. I don;t know anything. I am confused.

It took me 1 and a half year to realize the fact that I am getting married. I don’t know how much time I would take to accept the person of my fate.

My Allah and then my parents chose him for me…..and I accepted their wish…with my eyes closed. I couldn’t kill the happiness of my parents . I never gave them any happiness except this one. I am not selfish.

That was the time I stopped wishing for myself. Its hard when you get wounds all over your soul….by the broken pieces of your dreams….and you find no remedy…..no cure.

I have made room for pain in my heart. I know I have to live with what I am given I know I have to accept and I have to Move on !!

It is a difficult task.

Anyway…… I am getting married on 15th February 2014 and You all are Invited.

 

There should be some caring people to give me their shoulder. After all I need four of them. After all ‘Red’ color is getting ‘white’ for me. After all my marriage may be my funeral.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Life , A Pendulum !

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Touching the heights…..Changing state………Lowering to ground……changing state…….. Touching the heights……..My life is a pendulum !!

I am having some weird days…… It is like someone is forcing me to stay happy and I can’t absorb it……

I am being forced to stay and hang out with people who have the most worst Image of me in their minds and they hate me…….

I am being forced to enjoy the things which kill me inside when I think about the reason I am doing them…….

I am being forced not to cry by feeling the pain of cramps all over my body because I am made tired physically……

I am being forced not to think about the things which make me sad by making me busy in some abnormal tensions from study life……

I am being forced not to think continuously as I use to do by giving me severe headaches….

I am being forced to live with people who are not my fate by pushing people who are my fate, away from me……

I am being forced not to write by inserting words in my mind and not giving me time to write them down……

And I am not sure if I am being forced or I am the one doing them with my choice !!

I don’t want to be a pendulum anymore….. I want to move upward……Higher enough to reach Him……….

I am being forced to stop my journey…….. WHY ?

May be because this is another phase I have to go through……. I am missing the previous days….

I am missing my home……. My mind has not accepted the reality yet and it has started living in fantasies…..

I just need a shock….a collapse…a trauma…..a stroke…..a jolt…..another punch on my face !!

To see the reality again,…… I am already seeing my suffering in very near future….In 15 days or less….. And maybe that is why I am being forced to enjoy some moments……

I have learnt being a pendulum for so long….. People don’t have time to think about you…. Your death or absence effects you and only you…… You are a fool if you think you are important for someone…….

I know the truths and yet still I close my eyes for them…….

I am a fool….and I am having some weird days….. I know what life is going to give me and yet I am closing my eyes……..

I am a coward !!

I am sorry for being absent from here…..I told you I am having some weird days…..

My life is a pendulum and it is changing its state again…….

 

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