I am A Beggar !

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Sadness In Eyes !

Rain is a pleasant thing for people, In fact for me too ! A blessing and a much awaited blessing specially In our Areas.

Then what is the reason that after rain, everything seems so silent, so still and so sad ?

May be because people says there is sadness after every happiness and happiness after every sadness. I feel happy when it rains that is why I feel sad after it ? Don’t make much sense to me.

And weird sad things happen to me when it rains. This is weird ! May be because I feel sad from inside, I see only the sad side of things ! Yes after all I intend to be sad. Sadness gives me peace, to my mind and to my soul.

Same sadness that you see in eyes of a child who had nothing to eat all day and he keeps begging and get nothing but criticism and castigation. The same sadness that you see in the eyes of a Mother of 12 or more children or an ill husband waiting at home for the money she earns through begging . The same sadness that you feel on the face of a father who can not find a job and at the end of the day, starts begging because he don’t want to go empty handed in his house where many eyes are waiting for him. For him or for food ? No one knows.

Sadness may have many reasons but it has one face. The deep intense feeling when meets with silence, stillness and a somber sigh and appears in the form of a dim light in eyes, makes the face of sadness.

While having a drive with my family today , Instead of watching the happiness in their eyes I was busy in noticing the sadness in eyes of people outside. Whenever our car stops at a food place, Many poor children and women come rushing towards it. And If anyone of us give anything to one beggar, they all keep standing there without moving and keep asking !

Yes I can understand the irritation caused to my parents by this. But sometimes I can’t understand. Each time they say them to get away my hearts misses a beat. My mood swings to the sad one !

I tried to Imagine myself on their place today. Dirty hair, Ragged Filthy clothes , Bare feet and hands wide open , joined together ! Mouth saying words which I could never say in front of people and belly carving for food. Head heavy with the weakness. Shameful bent-down eyes and sadness……..

The feeling while watching other people sitting in cars, eating delicious food , wearing colorful clothes and talking with each other, Happy faces !

The feeling every time I spread out my hands to beg and every time I  was rejected with a sentence, a single word, a hand saying to move forward or just a finger or sometimes a mere movement of an eye-brow !

The feeling of rejection….. As If someone kicks on my face and move forward by putting a step over my corpse !

The feeling when people see me with greed, hunger, lust and dirt in eyes. Their eyes going through my body and tearing me apart. Their shameless smiles and cheap signs.

The feeling of embarrassment and humiliation…..I feel like the ground tears up and I jump inside hiding there forever !

My brother offered me an Ice-cream which I rejected to eat. I wasn’t able to tell him I am already eating one, Of ‘Reality’ ! It tastes ‘bitter’ !

I was trying to hide my tears from all of them so I closed my eyes . From the reality, From that horrible picture of me and from more people like I imagined myself and wasn’t even able to bear that mere imagination !

Why is reality always so tough ?

People with one leg or arm broken , blind , deaf, or diseased were still moving outside, begging ! And we think only we are ‘Humans‘ !!

A song in the voice of ‘Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan‘ was playing in the car……

ko’ii to hai jo nizaam-e-hastii chalaa rahaa hai
vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai
dikha’ii bhii jo na de nazar bhii jo aa rahaa hai
vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai

(Someone is there who is managing the order of life
He is God, He is God, He is God
He is invisible still He can be seen
He is God, He is God, He is God)

nazar bhii rakhe sama’ateN bhii, vo jaan letaa hai niyyateN bhii
jo Khaana-e-laa-shauur meN jagmagaa rahaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai
vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai

(He keep eyes and ears too, He knows even the intentions
The one who is illuminated in our subconscious minds
He is God, He is God, He is God)

talaash us ko na kar butoN meN, vo hai badaltii hu’ii rutoN meN
jo din ko raat aur raat ko din banaa rahaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai
vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai, vohii Khudaa hai

(Do not search for Him in the idols, He is in the changing seasons
The one who is changing day to night and night to day
He is God, He is God, He is God)

And My search For Allah continues……..Along with the words of the song. Would I be able to get Allah if I become a beggar one day, In front of people ? Would that pain be enough to led me to you ?

You say you don’t see the filthiness of body. You see the heart, the soul. Then why we make our hearts and souls filthy and our bodies decorated and clean ?

I don’t have the answers. I want to experience the answers. I am a beggar, I beg you ! I beg you and only you I spread my hands only In front of you. Lead me towards yourself ! Aye Allah…………………….

Who Are “People” ?

chickenbad

Realities need to be hidden. Once they are disclosed, Their darkness comes out and then they are hard to accept ! Hard to realize!

Everyone learns from the place, the environment He lives in and the problems he faces. From the people around him and from their acts. No matter how important the people are to you, whether your mom,dad,brothers, sisters, cousins or even friends, They are In fact “people”. The same people about which

Albert Einstein says

“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” 

And Will smith says

“Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.”

And Wayne Dyer says

“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”

“People” are the ones who do something with others and when someone do the same to them, They Scream Loud. As If something out of the world happened to them. Come on ! It was the same thing you did to others but there is no one to tell you that on your face.

“People” are the ones who never appreciate you , what you always do for them. Never mention the things they were supposed to do, But you did those things for them. Never even realize what favors you do to them without even mentioning. And in return, Taunt you for the small mistakes you make unconsciously ! And judge you from your mistakes !

“People” are the ones who make fun of you when yo are not here. Talk about you In a bad way with others As if they hate you so much. And in the same moment, If you appears , They put a smile on their face and say ” Hey ! so good to see you 🙂 ” .

“People” are the ones who never trust you but want you to trust them. “People” are the ones who take you for granted. ” People” are the ones who hurt you , give you pain for their own amusement. Who make fun  of you in front of others and get peace inside them.

BUT

“People” are the ones, who, despite through all the things they make you suffer, Puts a smile on your face. Bring laughter’s with their jokes and make you happy. Who are dear to you. These are the people you Love, You live with and you laugh with. You spend your whole lives with. Who are your treasures for life.

I never understood people actually. They are the most unexpected things, The most scary when their inner is revealed to you and The greatest support when their inner is hidden.

Every one has a dark evil hidden inside. We hide it from the world with colors of rainbow but rainbow is just an illusion . It is just a reflection, nothing real. Eventually the evil vanishes the rainbow and spreads dark. Your success depends on how long you hide yourself from the world.

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I chose loneliness for my self. I don’t want to follow the path of “People”. I can’t do what they do. The world is spoiled. I don’t want to be like them. I have chosen my own way and I can walk without any help from people. People leave you, Allah never. And Allah is sufficient for me.

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I would mention the people who were a big cause of my changed life and habits. Who changed me, In the next post. Tell me what you think of “people” and what are your thoughts. I would love to hear from you !

This Is Me

Meet me…..a very ordinary girl 🙂 So ordinary that a piece of sand is worth than me… Yes this is me !! People say I am complicated…I say life is complicated and one who starts discovering its realities becomes complicated… I have a rainbow of moods inside me. Sometimes when I am happy…. really happy from inside (although it happens rarely) I talk and talk and laugh and laugh….loud and with my eyes …. and when I am sad….I cry, I scream out loud with a pillow on my face, I hit my hand with a wall sometimes….This is all when I am alone and with people I wear a cover on my face I smile at them laugh with them and sometimes put my head down, remove that mask, cry a little, wipe out my tears and wear that mask again ! I hide things with my smiles….I collect courage at night to face people and I use it at the day time ! People never know what is happening inside me or what I am thinking or feeling….even my eyes look normal even after hours of crying…this is a blessing though 🙂 And…..normally I feel empty from inside…lifeless !! With no particular aim in my life. My parents have never felt proud because of me….even if I try hard….

I love my family My mama daddy and three brothers…. And I always prefer praying for them instead of me…They are my everything after Allah !! Have a special relationship with Allah but don’t want to talk anything about it to people.

I may be complicated and broken, but I am a regular girl with same feelings and emotions. I behave decent In public and people say I am mature but I know I am not…I would never be !! I understand life and pain…I am familiar with the realities of life very much. I have experienced life at the age of 20 very much. Girls at my age are full of small wishes and happiess but I don’t have any left with me.

I have a special theory about Love. Yes love…the most complicated thing ever. I know the core of it….I know the theory of it !!

Yes I am depressed and I would have made you depressed too with all this….:) Sorry for that !!

I am not a good writer but I like writing because I don’t speak too much and can’t express what is inside me by speaking. People ask me why do you speak so little….and I answer because I don’t have words to speak….This is in my nature and I have never tried to change it. I feel more comfortable writing things than speaking.

Enough about me I guess 🙂 You must be hating me already…..

And about this blog…….. As you are familiar with my rainbow mood now I can’t write specifically….So In this blog you will find things on every topic depending on my mood I will write 🙂

Tell me your thoughts after reading about me….Am I really out of the world and mad ?

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