A Thorn……….


The World is not heaven…. The world is not heaven…… A voice echoed in my ears and tore them apart along with my heart….. This world is not heaven………..

Then why did you show it to me…why did you let me feel it…why did you let me see it…. for some seconds…. for some bits…. why didn’t you kept it hidden from my eyes….

And now that I have seen my heaven why can’t I get it here ? It is very hard for me to see my heaven some steps away from me and I feel impossible to get it….. I stretch both my hands and I run fast but I can’t get there…. I return each time to the point where I started….. why ? because this world is not heaven…..

I got aware of what is meant by heaven and what is meant by living hell that day….. I got aware of the hidden meanings… The meanings about which people say, some things are better unknown !

I am burning in  the fire…. The fire of my wishes…. Wishes which are not about things of this world… wishes which are about having a life….I don’t have any right of ‘living’ ? I was born to live dead ? The fire burns me inside…… I can’t breathe….

Iqbal says us to destroy ‘Me’ …. To destroy the self….. To live for others…. Then where did this fire come from ? He never mentioned it….. What is this then ?

Allah says the pain that takes me close to Him is an exam for me and the pain that takes me away from him is a punishment.

My pain took me closer to Him…. Can sins take people closer to Him ? I am confused.

I once read, Bigger the sin bigger is the gift after you repent. The gift of pain is too much to handle…. But the gift of Him is everything to hold on to…. I can’t decide who am I ?

I don’t know why I am crying from last… I don’t know how many hours and I don’t know how I slept in his feet today…. I don’t know why I feel Him so close to me right now…. I don’t know why I want to quit….quit this world and go to Him…. I don’t know why I am me…..

I feel jealous….I feel jealous of the people who say they are happy and satisfied…. I feel jealous of the people who can talk about Him for hours and then do things opposite to the one they just said….

Do I deserve craving for the only only wish I had ? Yes May be.

I am nothing, With you I am everything……. 30-1-2013

It pricks like a thorn….. It pricks like a thorn………. This world is not heaven… It burns like fire…. It cuts like a knife…. And it pricks like a thorn……





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  1. Not sure how much of this is fiction or your reality..but if reality…it simply sounds like your emotions are repressed..this often results in all types of somatic issues…

    Including pain and weakness..no sleep..and many other problems…

    The problem is you cannot tell the truth to those who care for you the most..and in effect their decisions appear to be killing your soul…

    It seems to me that Allah wants you as an instrument of his NOW..not afterlife…

    The only place I see the heaven is inside..IT has nothing to do with tradition or culture..nor the church I attend to share the bliss of love with all others…

    No form.. only.. formless energy of bliss…

    As far as I can see IT cannot be found with a heart of lies..personal judgement against others..or rejection of any human being…the soul that becomes diamond as pure…enters these doors of bliss effortlessly..

    Unfortunately your heart is a lie…if this post is true…so there is no way to heaven..until there is truth…

    The biggest problem is you are entering a marriage loving someone else..This is never fair to this man that is chosen for you…

    It is actually hell for him..in effect..if he wants you for your heart..and not simply cattle to reproduce….

    It’s no way to start a life..of marriage..there is no hiding this from a husband…

    He will see It in your eyes..that is.. if he has a heart…

    Which is better than Cattle..but still yet.. not fair to him..if this is going to be a respected marriage….

    So yeah..you are not dense..you probably already understand this..which only makes the pain worse…

    But the answer is never the afterlife..as Allah has work for you to do here…

    if nothing else now is the time to be honest with this man you are to marry..and your parents of how you feel..even with respect of bearing their wishes..and the wishes of your culture..and how you believe Allah directs you..but it is never lie..where Allah lies…

    And only fair for your husband and your parents to know where you stand if not standing against them…..

    If not ALL there is..is pain I see for the future..The truth is only the truth…..

    • Yes my emotions are repressed…because I can’t share them with anyone.
      It wasn’t fiction…It was complete truth and I guess you got all of it.
      I know it is never fair to that human I am going to marry…but trust me I have no other choice. I am at the dead end.
      Thank you for all your advises though….they make me realize there are people who think and care about me.
      Thanks 🙂

      • Well..in the US..there still is something similar to a Dowry among the more Patriarchal leaning Evangelical Christians…

        There is a certain Class awareness..where some potential husbands or wives..are not seen as acceptable regardless of the LOVE and..or connection that may exist in a LOVe between two individuals…

        Some of my friends pay tens of thousands of dollars for their daughters weddings to ‘acceptable’ ‘suitors’..It’s not really that different..as the daughters do often want to please the fathers..with their choice of a husband…

        So yes ..I do understand at least partially where you are coming from..in telling me you have no choice..and you are at a dead end…

        But and a big BUT IT is ..is started to be concerned as you started to actually sound a little suicidal..in your words here..and seemed as though you are crying out for help…

        Well..I would seriously like to adopt you if I could in my imagination..but of course realistically I cannot do that..and would seriously not likely be a good father…as I am simply not parent material….

        And our culture would not likely make you happy as IT IS so strange.. really…but yeah..you are a very LOVING person..and I do just want you to know you are a very special person..who can make a serious and real difference..to increase the LIGHT and LOVE in other peoples lives..

        So that IS ALL ! I JUSt want to see you LOVING LIFE and living…IT…

        YOur heart is so beautiful and I for ONE.. cannot imagine any man not respecting and LOVING you and taking good care of you…

        I only pray..that you will find the human love you had with your other boyfriend..in this man that is now going to be coming into your life…

        So Good fortune to you dear..in LOVE and LIFE ..but more than anything in continuing to give th@gift of LOVE th@ALLAH gives you to others…

        To in effect..make this world a little better place for others…

        You did th@for me..and NOW I in turn am LOVING ALL others..including total strangers in real life..mORE THAN EVA..so YES I KNOW you do th@for many others whether you fully realize IT or NOT..

        IT is simple.. you are special…and you MUST LIVE to share this LIGHT!

        So LOVE.

      • Well your help is much appreciated and I feel good to know that you care. I need emotional help…. I don’t need it physically as If I will try to stand up against my loved ones I will only hurt them for my own cause…And I will never ever do that. I want them to stay happy and I don’t want to cause any problem for them because of me.
        I love your loving philosophy 🙂 Thank you for your comment.

  2. This is amazing!! Mashallah your work really inspires me. 🙂

  3. Well. it pricks. it will prick. it has to. but it will end. everything here does.

  4. Excellent post! However, I was confused by the first comment, by katiemiafrederick…did I miss something?? I didn’t read anything about an arranged/forced marriage in this piece. To me, it was a conversation with Allah, through one’s conscious and competing against one’s guilt of loving this world, with all of its shortcomings. I sensed truth, even through lies we tell ourselves. To the author: please correct me if I am wrong and/or speaking out of place.

  5. To paraphrase Ram Dass, you’re in the world to learn, how about you take the course?

    You’ll ‘graduate’ soon enough. No need to rush.

    • We all take the course… Not because we want to take it…but because we don’t have any other choice.
      I don’t need to graduate ever…I just need to be in the dream forever.
      Hope you are doing fine !

  6. Al Quran “Indeed mankind, to his Lord, is ungrateful”.

    Beshaq Insaan Apnay Rab ka Nashukra hai … Es aik Aayat mai Allah Pak ne tamaam insaniyat ki haqiqat khool kay rakh di hai … ye mat samajhna kay mai tumhain point out kar raha hoon … Just bear with me … I am trying to make a point … Insaan waqe he mai humesha se Allah Pak ka nashukra he raha hai … Jub kuch na ho tab to gila karta he hai … Aur jub sub kuch mil bhi jye tub bhi woh aur ki laalach karta hai … Khwahishoon kay peechey andha ho kar bhaagta hai … aur jub pori ho gye to usko qadar nai karta …

    Nashukri ki sab se bari misaal … Bani Israeel … Jin per Maan-o-Salwa (the food of Heaven) utara gya aur woh ye kehne lage kay hum aik he jaisa khana kha kha kay tang aa gye hain … Insaan to kisi bhi haal main kush nahi rehta …!!!

    Es kay baraqs … Masaaib main sabar aur Allah Pak kay shukar ki sab sey bari misaal Quraan Pak main hai … Hazrat Ayub (May Allah Bless him) … Jin ko pehley Allah Pak ne tamaam naimatoon se nawaza … Zammeen, Anaaj, Jaanwar, Khaandaan, Auolaad … So he had the taste of it all … Phir aik aik kar kay un say sub wapis lay liya … yahaan tak kay unki sehat bhi … un kay tamaam jism per chaley (blisters) par gye … aur koi un kay qareeb bhi nai jata tha …. per phir bhi har mushkil … har naimat ka jaane per woh yehi kehtey the …. key Allah Pak tera shukar hai … Tu ne he diya tha aur tu ne he wapis le liya … He never stopped praising Allah Pak for an instant …!!!

    My point being here … Nashukri Insaan kay wajood main hai … Jub use kuch milta hai … woh thora ho ya zyada … woh humesha AUR ki chahat karta hai … BEHTAR ki chahat karta hai … woh sab bhi theek hai … agar woh pehley shukar karna seekhe …!!!

    Mai ne pehley bhi bataa tha … by the Grace of Allah Pak … you are on the righteous path … but this is the most toughest path … and your stage as well … is the most toughest … you have to be strong … never faltering … you should be patient … be content with what you get from Allah Pak … have hope (tawaqul not desire) to go forward … but don’t be impatient … Be thankful to Allah Pak for how much you get be it less or more … the journey is a never ending one … aur bohot se mouqe aayye ge … but you have to be steadfast… e zindagi chahe aarzi ho … magar aik na khatam honey wali zindagi bhi Allah Pak ne harey liye rakhi hai … Jahaan hum je bhar kay Allah Pak ka dedaar kar saqte hain … us se bgair kisi parday kay Ishq kar saqte hain … Magar us tak pohonchne key liye es raastey se guzarna zaroori hai ..,!!!

    My teacher once told us … Allah Pak is the one true Just (Aadil) … so why this world that we live in is not Just … in balance … even though its perfectly balanced physically … there is a logic behind everything … Its not perfect morally … you dont always get a Good deed in return of one … mercy in return of mercy …. that is because its the next world … the one which this world is but a little part of … and there we will get our wishes and desires …!!!

    I do hope all of this helps … As always … Stay blessed … xyz … abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvw …xyz …. 😀

    • DON’T JUDGE ME BY MY WRITINGS……..That’s it.

      • ohoo … aik to tu gussa bhoto jaldi kar jati … mai ne es lie specifically kaha tha … dont think i am pointing you out … because i wasn’t … the examples were there to help you you understand … to find balance … we ( and i mean really all of us) should neither be ungrateful like Bani Israeel … Nor should we expand all our energies to achieve what Hazrat Ayub (Allah Pak bless him) achieve for that is the characteristics of Prophets and Auliya Allah … and they are born not made …!!!
        So one should find a balance in between … only then can one be at peace … agar tu ne es baat per mind kia hai kay mai ne tuje nashukra kaha hai to don’t … Mai to khud kehta hoon ka mai sub se bara Allah Pak ka nashukra hoon … how many times do i stop each day to praise Allah Pak for his blessings … Not enough … can never …!!!
        Jub Allah Pak ne Quran mai keh dia that we humans are ungrateful … to phir kuch reh he nai jata … but it doesnt mean kay hum bus ye maan kay baith he jaye … humain koshish zaroor karni chahiye … justajoo usey paaney ki … Allah Pak ko paney ki … per gila nai karna chahiye jub hum apni khwahish kay jitna usko na paa saqain … Woh Allah Pak hain … jin ko paaney kay liye Auliya Allah ne taam zindagi waqf kar di … humain to bus us mai kush rehna chahiye jitna humain mil jye … Phir Shukar ada karna chahiye … aur dua maangni chahie …!!!
        PS: I wasn’t judging … believe me … tuje mai ne pehley bhi bataya tha I don’t judge … because I hate it when others do …!!! Sorry if you felt that way yaar … !!!

  7. Rukh–I didn’t get this line in your reply to the first comment “I know it is never fair to that human I am going to marry…but trust me I have no other choice. I am at the dead end.”

    Life is a Roller Coaster ride Rukh..You must sail through it,If good times doesn’t last forever,Bad times also passes by..Have faith in yourself.. 🙂
    And don’t be so repressed..Stand up and make out your voice for what is right,because once you Surrender,everyone will take you for granted..

    God Bless You Rukh.. 🙂
    And Please don’t be so Sad..

    • I meant to say that marrying a person I am not interested in…and another person in my heart is unfair to him. But I have no other option despite marrying him because I can’t say no to my parents.
      Oh yes you are absolutely right Harsha ! But I can’t stand up… Many of my loved ones will get hurt if I do that and I don’t want that ever.
      Okaay I am smiling just because you said so 🙂 ❤

      • But that will mean doing injustice to 3 life if you know what I mean…
        As a friend I can only Say do the right thing and do what your heart says..
        And Please Keep Smiling.. 😀

      • Yes I know what you are trying to say…. Bus yaar Wish me luck.
        And I am smiling 🙂 🙂 🙂 Love you for making me smile 😉

      • I am wishing you Luck..My Good Wishes are always with you Rukh.. 😀
        And Always Keep Smiling.. 😀
        God Bless You. 😀 😀

      • Aee sweet. Thank you 🙂 ❤

  8. khuda tumhen hamesha khush rakhe. Ameen. Salaam tum ko k waledain aur doosron k liye qurbaani di. meri beti ne bhi wohi kiya jo tum kar rahi ho/ karo gi. she is now very happy (10 years already) but the truth Allah or she knows. Allah SWT will help you insha Allah.

    • Bohat bohat shukriya ! Ameen. Allah apki duaen kabul keray.
      Apki beti bohat himmat wali hain sir 🙂 I wish meray parents ko bhi ye realize tu hota k mene kuch kia hai….
      Bus dua kertay reheay ga Mujhe bhi apni beti samajh k. May you and your daughter get all the happiness of this world and the world hereafter. Thank you for your comments 🙂


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