May Be I Am Thinking Too Much !


I have no memories of my childhood with my parents. Every time I sit back and start thinking , How I use to be with my parents, what were the things I did with them, anything ? There comes nothing ! Except the things told by other people and my parents. They tell me I was so adorable and everyone who see me wants to hold me … There are pictures of me when I was 2 or 3 years old and then there is a complete blank without any pictures till I was 14 or 15. May be my parents lost their camera in my childhood.

I have some memories of this time period in school and with my friends. I remember every friend I had during it. I remember how we use to play , how we use to chat with each other and how we use to spend the recess time during school.

I remember I use to make houses with dry mud ! I was expert in it back then. All my friends use to gather around me sitting in the mud with clean white uniforms and we had no fear of ‘how we look’ to the people back then. They use to gather accessories for the house I was making. Some leaves , some yellow fur like thing and some beads like things from the trees and some colorful wrappers ! Till then I make a pile of dry mud and through it , I use to make the first floor and plain it with my hands. So perfect like we plain the surface of Cake with cream while making it . Then the second floor and some times the third floor. Then comes the turn of accessories and I use to decorate it like I am doing a task that would change my life, so keenly. When it was done, my friends use to clap for me .

May be back then I had a thought embedded in my mind , of my future. May be back then I knew I won’t have a chance to make the home of my choice and decorate it . May be I knew I would be forced to live in a home that would be never a home for me. So I already fulfilled all my wishes for a home with mud and tree accessories !

I remember I was the best in every game we use to play . I ran faster than each of my friend and won every single race back then. We use to play doge-the-ball , hide-and-seek, catch-me and many other games and I always use to win. My friends use to fight with each other to become my partner in any game. I was the one they look up to when deciding what game we will play and for resolving the fights.

May be back then I knew I would lose at every single step in my real life. So I won everything already back then. I already felt the pleasure of winning. I never realized life is not a game. We can win games but even the best player loses in his life !

I had a special pattern regarding my studies. I noticed it when I was 15. I stood first in class for the first , second and third years. Then I was an average or you can say below average in fourth, fifth and sixth years. Then again I topped my class in the seventh , eighth and ninth years. Tenth year was a disaster ! It was the year I started getting spoiled . Followed by the first two years of college. Making again the three years. Now in university I have passed four years and they were remarkably good. I would never be able to understand this cycle related to my studies. I want to know though.

I Guess I need a psychiatrist. May be he could give me answers I want to know. But I know I would never be able to ask anyone .

Three weeks back when I was in my home and it was the last day there. I had to come back here in hostel the next day. I was laying down with all my family. My dad, mom, and the brothers. We were chatting and then my dad started recalling his past. The things I heard were shocking !

He told us that he always felt alone back then even with his parents and siblings around. He said there is a hollowness inside him that was never filled even by his daughter and sons and wife ! He said when he was 15 he felt this hollowness so much that he started saying that his parents are not real and he is adopted that is why he feels like this. When his parents , my grandfather asked him why he is saying all this. He said you should know the answer. You are my parents and you are behind everything I feel since the childhood. My mom then told me that my father had a diary that was filled till the end with poetry. All sad poetry with the same topics , loneliness and sadness.

Tears were falling down from my eyes and absorbing in the pillow as I was hearing this. But it was dark so no one could see them. I was shocked and hurt at the same time while knowing this. These were the same feelings all he described that I use to feel all my life. The same pattern. the same hollowness the same pain. He dared asking his parents why is he like this. I never had courage to ask them . I have seen Him the same close to Allah like I am. No one other can feel him the way I can. I can’t put it into words but his life seems to me same like mine.

I would never gather enough courage to ask him the same questions he asked his parents. I know how much he would be hurt , knowing that he had to give all the answers he searched for all his life. Knowing that his little girl has grown up, and she feels the same as he did all his life. I can feel his pain…

I kept thinking all night, Are feelings and emotions genetic ? Is pain genetic ? Are sufferings and the after effects of the sufferings genetic ? Is the way of thinking genetic ? Is it possible that the way my father use to fight with himself it was genetically passed on to me ?

I wondered and there was no answer. May be this condition has some name and it has been proved to be a genetic thing by science. May be not.

May be I am thinking too much.

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  1. May be you are thinking too much ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  2. Are you sure you can’t ask your father about it?
    If anyone would understand the question surely it is he.

    But maybe the question isn’t whether it’s genetic.
    Maybe that’s not really relevant.
    Maybe the best question you can ask him is what he has learned about his feelings, what things have helped, what it means to him.

    Parents don’t only pass down their genes.
    Sometimes they pass down their wisdom.

    • I am sure I can’t ask him….
      First of all I don’t want him to get hurt by knowing this…. Secondly I have never talked to him all my life about all this kind of stuff….Thirdly I am afraid what he will think of me….

      I never said a word when they were deciding my future ! Can I say now when something is effecting me and me only ?
      I can’t.
      I was asking this question to myself and may be some people who know about it can answer because I was curious too.
      Yes I know…. In our kind of environment we have to get that wisdom just by noticing their behaviors…We can’t have a discussion with them !

  3. Wow, a very fantastic post with a beautiful title!
    May be i am thinking to much!
    Some words here made me upset and some made me smile.
    It is quite similar to us the same loneliness and the same worries.
    My respect fro your father
    And my everlasting love for you
    I am not near you that i should be a shoulder for you but whenever you felt that i am able for your help so don’t hesitate lovely,I am always there for you as a sister and a s a friend too.
    Love you very very very much !!!!!

    • Thank you Lovely sweet heart you always make me smile ๐Ÿ™‚ Love you so much !
      Your words are more than a shoulder for me ๐Ÿ™‚
      Just be with me always…..
      And I love you more than anything for saying all these sweet words … You are a Love !
      Thank you so much…I am honored by your words !
      Hugs ! xx

  4. Well…this is my main area of expertise…I can help you with this if you will allow it. Tom Insel the Director of the National Institute of Mental Health has prepared an excellent video explaining how there are organic brain disorders related to genetics and what is described as epigenetic influences that is associated with these real and dire problems often leading to suicide among young people.

    There are now genetic linkages shown between Bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, Autism, and the general populations of all countries.

    Unfortunately in middle eastern countries not only is there ‘prejudice’ about the science of homosexuality there is also great stigma against mental illnesses.. These countries lag far behind countries that do not mix religion and the state.

    This is part of the reason you don’t get to see Tom Insel’s excellent video explaining this that could potentially resolve many of your conflicted feelings about how you experience life.

    As noted before about your potential higher than normal androgen levels..this is also verified by what you describe in your interest of ‘building things’ as a young child and proficiency in sports..this very much falls in alignment of what is understand as correlates among females with Autism Spectrum Disorders or the broader Autism Phenotype that extends out into 10 to 15% of the general population…

    This is part of my next post that I am working on that is pursuing many complex areas of knowledge and I am trying to present it in a way that might motivate people out in the general population to read…through all my devices to relate to popular culture with my werewolf face…. antics in Walmart….huge shoulders and all that ‘super hero’ stuff… And no… still none of that is exaggeration all of it is true.

    I have experienced similar to every difficulty you describe when I was young…and I can tell you this…there is absolutely no one that could truly help me but me…fully that is…

    I was a broken human being until I started writing my blog last March…I wanted to live so bad…is the only thing that in full general effect that led to healing..It is the passion to go to the next moment and survive…This is the greatest passion of what it means to be human… the will to survive…This is the ‘God’ element if you will..and the decision of being God or being nothing…and being both as one…xxLovexx

    • Well your knowledge was very helpful !
      hank you so much for this….
      So what are you suggesting what may be the problem with me…
      As in what do you analyze with all what I have described ?

      • Okay well…well..again..

        If there is any area of expertise I have it is the entire Autism Spectrum including the broader Autism Phenotype… I spent approximately 16 hours a day for 28 months studying it…

        You are never going to get an Asperger’s diagnosis in Pakistan for two reasons… Lack of expertise among professionals on the condition..and the fact that even if they use DSM5 resources for clinical analysis…or ICD11 resources…the Asperger’s diagnosis is no longer available…

        And in fact… the Asperger’s described in the DSMIV, which is the American Psychological Association sponsored manual was never fully reflective of the syndrome that was originally described by Hans Asperger.

        I feel almost 100% sure you would meet a diagnosis if you lived in Sweden as this Gillberg Criteria for Asperger’s syndrome continues on as a valid diagnostic criteria in Sweden for Asperger’s syndrome…

        The way that Asperger’s syndrome presents itself in females is everything you say about yourself including the fact that females with Asperger’s syndrome are referred to as little philosophers as children rather than the males with the syndrome who are referred to as little professors..

        Obviously you have no problem in getting along better with 50 something year old people…the only way I know of this happening is that you would likely have this syndrome as I was the same when I was your age at 21 too..

        Everything about you is like me when I was your age…it is like I am talking to me in the past including my unwavering love for my religion and refusal to believe anything that anyone would say to contradict it…when I was 21…

        And the low lows you experience and the high highs…this is not described as Bi-Polar most often with individuals with Asperger’s syndrome as intense moods are part of the condition…

        What is understood mostly about the condition is difficulty in understanding one’s own emotions and the emotions of others and expressing it in verbal language…The written language with computers is a most excellent accommodation to improve in this area which you are obviously doing here in the written words of poetry…

        My advice to you is like what SAha said to try to focus continually on the future…keeping the best positive feelings inside…and really not to worry too much about finding God because when he is with you is most often when you are not expecting to find him…in my opinion…there is no real secret formula you just stumble upon God on your path and are pleasantly surprised and pleased…but it is the positive journey that will assure you spend more time there…with God…

        This writing on blogs is what healed me and yes as I always say finding your unconditional love for everyone here is part of what truly healed me as now I can go out into the general public again and communicate freely with more people that I could ever do before in my entire life…the negative aspects of my Asperger’s syndrome are gone…but the gifts stay here with me and are stronger than ever my friend..if you will…

        You are a beautiful light and all I can say is just keep that light burning bright in what every way you can and your healing will go stronger…but if you can…finally find a more steady flow..this is what I hope for you the best…as it is what certainly as taken me there with God on this path I fall into every morning….every evening…then every hour…then every minute …then every second…and now all seconds now as one second NOW. LIke the period at the end of a sentence that does not exist

        Now I hope you knownow you are always free to discuss this with me further in whatever avenue of communication is most comfortable for youxxlovexx

      • Thank you so very much for all the knowledge and help….
        I never heard about this Asperger’s thing before…. When you mentioned I did some internet research.
        Yes I agree….we can’t have a diagnosis here in Pakistan … I think it is better… Sometimes simplicity avoid many confusions !
        The path related to God thing….I firmly believe I m on the right path and I know that ๐Ÿ™‚
        Yes writing on blogs helped me too….very much.
        I sometimes use to cry and at the same time wrote a poem and the second I finish it, I didn’t feel the need to cry anymore….
        Anyway Thank you so much ๐Ÿ™‚
        Love xx

      • Most interestingly I think it is highly likely that Saha has Asperger’s syndrome too…I have been around so many males with Asperger’s syndrome in the last 3 years of his age that he ticks every box too…even his expression in his photo…

        Cabrogal already identifies he is professionally diagnosed in Australia…Tony Atwood is the leading expert on Asperger’s syndrome in the entire world…living in Australia so Australia is a fairly easy place to get a diagnosis as is my understanding…in fact some people have suggested that it is too easy to get diagnosed there…

        And there are probably many people who are your friends from Pakistan with you now that are drawn to you… as you are one of their kind…

        More than likely Lady Gaga has a form of Autism too…is also why i can relate to her so the person she is when she is not acting on a stage…

        But for sure both of you I feel are definitely on what is described as the Autism Phenotype…There is a test you can take at the link below to screen for the Autism Spectrum and/or broader Autism Phenotype.. It would be interesting to see your score and SAha’s score…my wife scores 32 which is definitely in the Autism Phenotype but she only has OCD…and some social anxiety…

        I scored a 45 but now probably in the high 20’s’…

        I am a super extravert now instead of a super introvert as I was the last 5 years…before that for two decades super extravert…before that super introvert…the cycle continues back and forth earlier still until early childhood….

        Best wishes for you always xxlovexx

      • I don’t know if Saha has this…. I don’t know either it is appropriate for you to point out the other readers here….
        I am comfortable if they are comfortable with it… Otherwise I would say you to avoid this.
        I gave the test… First time I got a 24. I gave it once again and it was 26 then !!
        I don’t know what it means exactly….
        And thank you ! This test is quite helping….

    • Interesting questionnaire I must say… But I scored a 17… so…

      • FAscinating…I actually just now took the time to take the test again and I score an 11….

        Part of my ongoing theory about the Autism Spectrum is what makes it difficult for so…

        many people.. extra difficult..for this ‘special’ genetic propensity.. may be that they try to adapt to a culture that is not adequately suited for their ‘natural’.. if you will…way of being…

        When I was going to middle school I was all smiles and all play and even writing plays…directing them and making poems about Christmas…even winning an award once.. but our country was so patriarchal then.. especially my county.. that all was driven into me is to be a strong man…

        I suppose the the deadly dagger of words was when a classmate in the hall called me faggot and said what the hell are you smiling for you faggot..boys do not smile…

        As I say this is likely what could happen in middle eastern countries too…I don’t know how your country views this though…but I also can imagine this something similar happening to White Pearl too…in her years of that in relationship of expectations of gender roles not met with peers as she has the unusual androgen mix too but going in the other direction where the male is mixed in with the female whereas the female was mixed in with the male for me….

        I suppose if I had continued writing plays and writing poetry I might of stayed within the balanced yin/yang range if you will… i was so much Yang for so much of my life…but am even too much Yin now at times…if you will…I love your ‘Gita’ the most for religion..but it is very much too abstract and meaningful for most people in the west…

        This is why I must recommend ‘the book of law’, for the travelers in this new age coming world…so simple and to the point as a morality that will allow all to be included in this global way of life…

        More on India…along with Iran it is one of the countries that has the least amount of sexual dimorphism among the sexes and most frankly and quite fascinating too and pardon me if this is not appropriate here but it is just a biological measured phenomenon and that is that the average penis size of men in INdia is about 4 inches as compared to something like 7 inches in some African countries that are extremely sexually dimorphic among the sexes…Jamaica is also one particularly sexually dimorphic country and the little joke among the ‘black studs’ in America is they got it from their Jamaican daddy if you will…

        More amusing and interesting that in psychological surveys in America that Black men..even if they are poor or are in prison have the highest self esteem levels of any demographic overall among both genders…The main reason why that is reported as documented is that they feel confident in winning fights with other men…physical fights that is…and confident in reproductive success…

        So as much in the West as we like to say intelligence and material wealth is where it is at…when the ‘rubber’ meets the road if you is still in the Penis and the biceps I guess..but I guess that is changing more as even the major TV comedy in the US that is the most popular show for some years now is the ‘Big Bang’ theory..the show that celebrates the four eyed nerd…if you will…

        Even in pop culture some of the African Americans are celebrating the Nerd..It started back in the 80’s with ‘Erkul’…the humans species is the most terrifying and fascinating species…I guess…imaginable to me individually…in the Universe of what I could imagine to be…

        In fact.. I am digressing down another avenue so much now…but I seriously doubt that any species anywhere ever advances too far beyond where we are at now…as they fall to the pitfalls of instant gratification and destroy themselves with weapons of mass destruction as they cannot get passed(t) their basic animal nature..that remains to be seen of course… and I like to be optimistic…I suppose people like you and White Pearl are reason for part of that Optimism from what I see of the future NOW…

        This is part of why my KroarK..just the oK that White Pearl gave me in her last response to me in Love is the same gives me just the hope I need for the future of the Human race..My Twitter story for my beach pictures was going into ultimate destruction for the human species but now it is going to go in the optimistic way instead…It is bizarre I know…and so highly subjective…YIn..if you will but it is truth that I knownow..if you could or ever would…will…WILL..welcome to the TWILIGHTZONE


      • Responding in an open slot…It is not inappropriate to talk about psychological and biological factors of the human life experience in my opinion…and I am not in any position to diagnosis anyone with any illness…you asked for help here and I did the best I could to provide it as you asked for me to make an analysis…there is nothing wrong with having Asperger’s there is nothing I could possibly see inappropriate with someone potentially having the symptoms of what is both a challenge and a great gift in life…

        10 to 15% of the general population is suggested on the Broader Autism Phenotype so this is not unusual at all…

        And certainly not inappropriate as far as I can discuss with anyone.

        I do not live in a world of do..and this is what makes a big difference here in how each of us perceives the world in expansion of potential enlightenment… Censorship is a horrible thing in my opinion… the worst possible sin in my opinion if any inherent human sin exists..but again that is just my opinion…

        I am am going to stop communicating here as much because I actually abhor censorship in any form…Sorry but that is what I see as sin if here is any sin and I do not want any part of that my friend…that said..I will continue to make short and non-meaningful comments as truly meaningful comments cannot be made with censorship… friend…

  5. And I again say, you need a friend not a psychiatrist.
    And yes you are thinking too much…

    Har insaan ke saath kaafi saari buri cheezein hotin hain. Unke baare mein jitna sochegi utna confuse hogi. So look ahead. Past ke baare mein sochne se na kuchh hua tha, aur na kabhi hoga…

    Tune last to last post mein likha tha, ki I have a positive atitude towards life. Ever wondered why? Why don’t I look back and keep pondering over life that went by?

    • Yaar friend kya keray ga… Meray sochnay ka tareeka tu nae change ker sakta friend… Me jo feel ker rae hun usko tu khatm nae ker sakta na ?
      I want to know why I can’t think normal like people…. I want to know my problems. I don’t need a cure for them I just want to know it clear.
      I know… Tuje bataun gi kabi k jab future b agay aik black hole ki terah ho na tu past k baray me e sochna perta hai….
      You are brave enough and I am not… you have a big brain than me…May be that’s why !

      • Friend tujhe tere problems bataayega. Kabhi kabhi apan aise ulajh jaate hain ki apan ko pata hi nahi chalta ki apni problem kya hai… Agreed a friend cannot change your thinking… But he can help you understand your problem and if required make you change your thinking…

        Chal main bhi us din ka intezaar karunga jab main apni behen ke baare mein kuchh aur jaan paaunga…

        Life mein ek aadmi aisa hona bahut zaroori hai jisse tu khul ke baat kar sake… without any mask… My experience says that the mere presence of such a person works like magic… trust me.

        Nah! I am not brave… The point is I find it futile… Agar main apne past ke dukhon ke baare mein sochta rahoon to faltu mein dukhi hounga. Aur wo depression ka period 2-3 din tak chalega… Main apna kaam theek se nahin kar paaunga… Bhagwaan aur society ne jo itna important jeewan diya hai, usko main kuchh constructive karne ke liye nahin lagaa paaunga… And hence main apne duties ke prati irresponsible rahoonga… Logon ke expectations ko poora nahin kar paunga… Aur mere kaaran koi gareeb aadmi aur zyada dukhi hoga… Aisa main hone nahin de sakta…

        So always look ahead and be positive, because… there is simply no other choice…

        Samjhi behnaa… ๐Ÿ˜‰ Mere gusse se na dara kar… Kisi se na dara kar… ๐Ÿ™‚ Because you are brave… very very brave… (Proof Chahiye?)

        Waise, Pichhle post pe jo discussion hua… woh samajh mein aaya kya? Sorry kaafi technical ho gaya shaayad… ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ๐Ÿ™‚ Woh kya hai na… main bhaavnaaon mein beh gaya… ๐Ÿ˜›

      • I know yaar I know…. Start me jitni b friends theen unu ne trust tora us k baad theak se kisi friend se kuch share nae ker pae….
        Problem is here in my mind….
        I know we always need a person to share…. I kind of had one before… I will manage now too i guess …. Allah tu hai he na ๐Ÿ™‚
        Ap positive sochtay ho… I can’t ! Even if I try hard… It i not like I always think negative….
        But apko apnay future se umeed hoti hai na ? Ager me ye kahun k muje apnay future ki b atleast direction mil gae hai I know what is going to happen and it is not according to my will tu me kahan se laun umeed ?
        I am trying…. Such me I am trying hard to think positive always !
        Haha I am not brave…Iam scared of lizards ๐Ÿ˜›
        Chal proof b de de aj ๐Ÿ˜›
        Yaar that discussion was aweome !
        Mene perha hai tum donu ka aik aik reply… Aur I was impressed…..
        To whom I agree is not the point…The point is it was so informative…. I never thought someone thinks about life in such intellectual way !
        Excellent ๐Ÿ™‚

      • “Ager me ye kahun k muje apnay future ki b atleast direction mil gae hai I know what is going to happen and it is not according to my will tu me kahan se laun umeed ?”

        I reiterate… ummeed lagaya kar… kyunki tere paas aur koi option nahin hai… You have to move ahead… hai ki nahin? Tu apne future se darr kar agar ruk gayi to is duniya ka ek anmol khajaana barbaad ho jayega… Bhale hi bhawishya andhera ho… koi ummeed na ho… phir bhi koshish kar… kyunki agar tune koshish nahin kiya to yeh afsos hamesha rahega ki maine koshish nahin ki…

        Agar teri koshish nakaam rahti hai to bhi yeh khushi rahegi ki kam se kam tune koshish to ki… isi khushi ke liye… koshish kar…

        Tere brave hone ka proof tera khud ka jeewan hai behen…

        Main imagine kar sakta hoon tune kitne problems face kiye honge life mein… Jab tu bolti hai ki tu apne problems apne parents ko nahin bataa sakti to bhi main teri situation samajh saktaa hoon; Jab tu bolti hai ki you had a person who led you closer to god… to bhi main samajhta hoon; Jab tu bolti hai ki your parents made the most important decision in your life… tab bhi main samajhta hoon; aur jab tu bolti hai ki tera future black hole jaisa dikh raha hai… to bhi main kuchh kuchh samajhta hoon…

        Aur itna sab samajhne ke baad main yeh bhi samajhta hoon ki itne sab ke baad bhi itni cute si, pyaari si, natkhat si behen ban na bahut bravery ka kaam hai…

        Aur itne sabke baad bhi yeh jo rote hue chehre par jo halki si smile lekar abhi tu yeh padh rahi hai, uske liye bhi guts chaahiye… ๐Ÿ™‚

        Haan haan main yeh bhi samajh sakta hoon ki tujhe woh discussion kitna samajh mein aaya ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜›

      • yaaaar tu jaadu gar tu nae hai? You know magic ? I am sure about it now.
        I am trying yaar…. who says I am not trying.I struggle with every thought and every second of my life….. Meri umeed khatam nae hue lekin bohat positive ho k me soch nae sakti k me utna e positive sochti hun jitna true ho sakta hai…..
        Aur han mene itna lara hai k ab muje waqae me ye regret nae hoga k mene kuch kia nae……
        Baaki jo cheezain Allah pe chori hue hain wo usi tak rehnay dun gi….Wo behtar janta hai.
        Tu muje sach me itna samajta hai ? You are a blessing bro ! Thank you…..
        Aur tu ne sae pehchani smile wali baat…… Tu waqi magic janta hai ๐Ÿ˜›
        Lol yaar samaj me aya kuch , kuch nae aya ab bisti tu nae ker ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜›
        And love you ….. I have no words to thank you.

      • ๐Ÿ™‚ Hogwards se magic seekha hai ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜›

        Wahi to main bhi keh raha hoon… Kaun kehta hai ki you are not trying? Main to bas tujhe continue karne to keh raha tha…

        Magic is easy to learn… just forget your identity and be the person you are talking to ๐Ÿ˜‰

        And I am blessed to have you as a sister ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Words ki zaroorat nahin hai… Main tujhe samajhta hoon ๐Ÿ˜‰ Bas thodi si asha rakhta hoon ki saamne wala bhi mujhe samjhe…

        BTW… Monday ko Ganesh Chaturthi hai… Aur usme Modak (a type of sweet) prasaad mein baante jaate hain… So be ready… ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Oh ho Hogwarts tuje ghusnay nae den gay ๐Ÿ˜›
        Haan I will continue InshAllah ๐Ÿ™‚ Bus dua kerta raheen.
        Oh really ? How can you say that ? Elaborate please ๐Ÿ˜‰ I want to learn magic ๐Ÿ˜›
        I am blessed too…Like really !!
        Samajti hun yaar… tune abi itna kuch bataya nae per mene jitna judge kia tuje utna tu samajti hun.
        Ohhooo Mithaeeee ๐Ÿ˜› Yumm ๐Ÿ˜‰
        I will wait….:P

      • Tujhe kaise pataa mujhe gusne nahin denge? Harry Potter ke par-nana mere par-dada ke chachere bhai the… ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Isme elaborate kya karna hai… bol to diya…

        Tujhe magic seekhna hai to tu bhi Hogwards ja… Tujhe bhi le lenge…

        Baat to sahi hai… maine zyada bataaya to nahin hai… But again… there is a reason as to why I am called Introvert ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜‰ Tujhe samajhna hai to saath reh… Khud samajh jayegi dheere dheere… ๐Ÿ˜‰

        And BTW… Ganesh ji Neele nahin hain… (ref: your comment on my post…)

  6. Hugs and wishes for you to find peace. Sometimes emotions that are like our parents are due to conditioning. It is what we see and experience growing up. My dear mother was unable to understand what a mother should do. It made her feel incompetent. As a result, she kept us at arm’s length.

    When my firstborn first saw light, I was dreadfully anxious that she would feel about me as I felt about my mother. I felt abandoned and misunderstood much of the time. When I tried to discover why, she thought I was criticizing her and sent my father to chastise me. So, I was fearful.

    Happily, other women had had input into my life that gave me direction in being a mother. I am a happy mother of three adult children who all interact with me regularly. Now I am enjoying getting to know my grandchildren.

    It is good to do some introspective thinking, and think about everything. Eventually, though, it is important to make choices about accepting others and ourselves as we are. Then we can make other choices about how we can become more than we are.

    • Thank you so much for all you kind words friend ๐Ÿ™‚ They mean a lot to me !
      I am touched reading about you experience…
      You know I too sometimes have these thoughts that what would it be like with my own children… Would I be the same parent like my parents…
      I hope everything gets better enough !
      Awh you have grand children too ? ๐Ÿ™‚
      You are so lovely ๐Ÿ™‚
      You are right about choices…. Sometimes we have to make some choices for others too !
      Love you for being here for me !
      Hugs to you xx

  7. Thank you for sharing. I remember snipets of my past all the way back to when I was standing in a crib. Crazy huh? Sometimes it is wonderful to memory and sometimes it is wonderful not to remember. Sometimes, our brain is protecting us from things that would be too painful to remember and sometimes we just don’t remember certain parts of our past for no particular reason. I am not sure why some things are so crystal clear. I went to a counselor recently that joked and asked” how long ago was that? You describe it as if it happened last week.” But I am a writer soooo maybe I use that part of the brain more. You know two languages! THAT is amazing! Perhaps your brain uses another part that I have not yet discovered. I feel that we all tap into different parts of our brains but none of us use the amazing amount God intended for us to use! He gave us so much more than we even understand!!
    Let me ask you. What is your very earliest memory? Try to think… when you smell certain smells or hear songs or even a certain time of a day…. does it trigger any memory of your past? Sometimes a smell snaps me back to a time like a rubberband snapping back! A flower, a food, the icecream man… I know carnations and roses remind me of running through my grandmother’s back yard. Mold reminds me of playing in her basement and making up scary stories to scare my cousins. ๐Ÿ˜‰
    Think about it. Find a place out on a nice afternoon….. lay out a blanket and lie under the clouds… close your eyes and try to recall times when you smelled something or heard something… it might help.
    I ask people this question… “Other than your age right now, what age do you feel like inside?” I am in my 50s and I feel about 19 or 20. Think about it. How old are you inside?
    Anyway, wonderful post. Very nice sharing!
    Keep writing!

    • Thank you so very much Dear friend for saying all this and being with me in a difficult time ๐Ÿ™‚ I appreciate your concern !
      It was amazing reading all about your experiences !
      And I know three languages ๐Ÿ˜› We are taught two languages since childhood with our studies and the third language is our mother language so we learn it too with time.
      You are right…. We use a small part of our brain and still it takes too much ๐Ÿ˜‰
      I don’t remember yet what was my earliest memory….It is difficult for me to separate what I have seen in my pictures and what my real memory is….
      May be when I sit at a calm place like you suggested , and beautifully, then I start remembering it. I never found a chance yet though .
      You love your grandmother the most ๐Ÿ™‚ That is so sweet !
      Haha I used to get scared instead of making others scared ๐Ÿ˜‰
      I feel like I am older than my real age…May be in my 50’s …
      I don’t really know why !
      I love you …really your words , your advises are amazing !
      Thank you so much for your presence here.
      Love you and hugs to yo xx

  8. Aur tu 21 ki hai ya 81 ki? Baatein to buddhon jaise kar rahi hai…

    Tere post ka hindi/urdu translation aisa hoga

    “Mere jeewan mein ab kuchh nahin bachaa. Pata hai bachchon! Main 15 saal ki umar mein hi theek thi… tab mere jeewan mein bahut khushi thi. Hai! kahan gaye wo din… 15 ke band jeewan ki jo band bajna chaalu hui, kabhi na sudhar paayi… Shaayad mere bhaagya mein yahi tha. Aur ab to main boodhi ho gayi hoon. Ab to bas marne ka intezar hai…”

    Abe, tujhe itni fursat kahan se milti hai itna sochne ki… Roti rahti hai saara din…

    • 81 ki hun ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
      Tu gussa kyun ho jata hai ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
      hahaha dramay baaz ho bohat baray ๐Ÿ˜›
      Wesay sochti tu me aise e hun kabi kabi ๐Ÿ˜› Words aur hotay hain per tareeka yei hota hai ๐Ÿ˜›
      nae sara din tu nae roti…..kuh din hotay hain jab roti hun sara din aur sari raat b…
      mene suna hai acha hota hai rona sehat k leay ๐Ÿ˜›
      Kya kerun sochun nae tu…. Kya sochun ? Koi positive cheez bata du sochnay k leay ?

      • Main gussa kahan hua? Tujhe aisa kyun lagta hai ki main tujhse gussa ho jata hu?

        sehat… ๐Ÿ™‚ Ab main kya boloon? Tu hi samajh le… Pehle bhi do baar bol chuka hoon…

        Dekh rona hai to ro, bus paani India tak mat bhejna… ๐Ÿ˜› Bahut Barish hui hai is baar. Ghar ke aas paas flood type situation bhi hua hai…

        Tere paas karne ko kaam nahin hai kya? To thik hai, Gaane sun, Computer Games khel, Ghoomne ja, Shopping kar…

        Aur kuchh creative karna hai? C aur C++ seekh ๐Ÿ˜› Uska alag hi nashaa hai ๐Ÿ˜‰ Ya phir mere assignments kar de… Bahut saare hain… ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

        On a serious note, Jo karne mein achchha lage woh kar… ๐Ÿ™‚ Agar kuchh na mile karne ko to social service kar

        Keep yourself busy. ‘Khaali mann shaitan ka dera…’ yeh kahaawat suni hai na?

      • hello ๐Ÿ˜›
        Muje aisa tab lagta hai jab tum smileys k begair reply kertay ho ๐Ÿ˜‰
        Haha Naheen bhaijen gay paani India tak…India ko b rook de na aise achanak paani na bheja keray bara nuksaan hota hai ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜›
        yaar muje bata jin cheezun ko kernay ka dil e nae kerta wo ker k kya kerun gi ? ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
        I hope you are doing your assignments well !
        Best of luck for them ๐Ÿ™‚
        And sorry for the late reply ! You didn’t miss me ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
        Thori c social service kernay ki try ki hai…. Help me in it by donating ! ๐Ÿ™‚
        Haan suni hai aur janti hun aise he hota hai….
        Hope you are doing well ๐Ÿ™‚
        Love xx

      • As I already have told you… There is a reason as to why I am called an Introvert. This implies…

        You have no idea… how much I care about you… Tu miss karne ki baat karti hai? Apne computer skills lagaa ke pataa lagaa le ke kitni baar tere site pe aakar laut chuka hoon is dauraan. Yaar sahi baat to ye hai ki main itna dar gayaa tha ki comment nahin kar paaya… Daraa kyun tha? Tu kaand hi aise aise karti hai… Itne saare khayaal aaye dimag mein ki poochh mat… Lastly concluded ki comment nahin karoonga… Because it might be dangerous for you…

        Socha, tu theek thaak hogi to waapas to aa hi jayegi… Agar nahin aayi to maan loonga mere kismat mein teri dosti thi hi nahin ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Aise bhi… zyaadatar doston ke saath to aisa hi hota hai…

        Smiley… Dekh main aise bhi zyada smiley use karta nahin hoon… So tension mat le… main tujhse kabhi gussa nahin hounga… (But haan… smiley nahin use karunga… hoon hi ziddi ๐Ÿ˜› )… Oops! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ™‚

        Aur late reply? Chhor de… tere late replies ki aadat par chuki hai ๐Ÿ˜› Jis se mujhe yaad aaya… ki tera ek reply due hai… ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜‰

        The donation thing is a very good initiative indeed. I would surely do the donation… However about the SMS… is it valid in India too?

        And thank you for the wishes… Tests thay… Theek Thaak hue… Sab teri duaon ke kaaran ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you… Waise abhi phir se busy hoon… Poster banaane mein ๐Ÿ˜›

      • Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ๐Ÿ˜€
        Mujay nae pata tyha meray bhae ne muje itna miss kia hai ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
        Dara nae ker…. I will never ;leave this place.
        I want you in my life.
        Daikh tu aisi batain ker ra hai ab dostun ko le k…. Aur muje samjata hai !!
        Na ker.
        Lol Kia ker smiley use…. Achi lagti hai. banda sad baat b kre tu lagta hai khush hai ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜› Like this ๐Ÿ˜›
        I don’t really know it is valid for India too or not… You can try. Let me know what happens.
        And Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚
        Haha daikh le meri duaun ka kamal ๐Ÿ˜‰
        \Konsa poster banana hai ?
        And best of luck again ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Abhi mobile mein Rs. 17 hain sirf ๐Ÿ˜› Kal try kartaa hoon… International money transfer is not allowed by my card… so this remains my only option…

        December mein ek conference mein jaane ki soch raha hoon… Wahan apna kuch kaam present kar doonga… Wahi typical physics… alpha, beta, phi, psi, gamma etc. and other gibberish… ๐Ÿ™‚

        Thanks for the wish…

        Aur us reply ke liye bhi shukriya… mujhe bhi woh comment kuchh zyaada achchha nahin lagaa tha… You get my indication, right?

      • Lol Gareeb ๐Ÿ˜‰ Me b aise e gareeb rehti hun lol I know the condition of hostelloids ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜›
        Its alright…. Take all the time ๐Ÿ™‚
        Achaa kahan ho rae hai conference ? Tu tention na le…teri theories se me impress hoti hun tu baaki sab b hun gay … Trust me !
        And this is not gibberish yaar aisa tu na keh ๐Ÿ˜›
        Haan got it ! I know Muje b ajeeb laga…. Me bardasht ker rae hun abi I won’t if this will happen again…Just tell me if you find anything annoying please…

      • Gareeb na keh… Har hafte Rs. 10 daan deta hoon gareeb bachchon ko… ๐Ÿ˜‰ Aur Rs. 17 on mobile is not too bad… aadhe ghante tak STD call kar sakta hoon… Enough for 4 days… You see… Advantages of not having a girlfriend… ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜›

        Conference IIT Indore mein hai… Dekhte hain kaun impress hota hai… ๐Ÿ™‚

        Jis din apne kaam par poem nahin likh paaun, tab tak main to isko gibberish hi kahunga… Mere hisab se jis bhi baat ko poem ke form mein nahin likha ja sakta use main gibberish hi kehta hoon…. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  9. All I need is the numbers 81, 21, and 15….to understand…thank friend…

    • I don’t understand what you said… But you are always welcome ! ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Sorry for the confusion there I was responding to SAHa…sometimes people’s replies to other people’s replies are meaningful to me… I read extremely fast about 10 to 15 times faster than what is described as the norm of reading…so I always read every single word of every comment in every internet thread I read everywhere…Lots of information in my head..if you will…xxLovexx…

      • That is impressive ๐Ÿ™‚ Love xx

  10. I think attitudes might be genetic. And somehow, through the upbringing, we might have subconsciously picked up characters from our parents, unknowingly. I am a lot like my father. From his hair on my head to the insomnia I live with every night ๐Ÿ˜› hehe…I think a lot like my father too I’ve realized over the years. Then through the self-searching journey, I came to know it had a lot to do with us both being introverts. Maybe thats one of the many reasons for similarity, apart from genetics, and having spent time together, information my mind might have stored about him and ‘mirrored’ it unknowingly. Who knows. Whatever it is, inshallah it would be for a good reason. Allah’s wisdom is in everything, even the sides of it we don’t see ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’ve talked too much already, and by the way, I really love how you keep asking yourself these questions about yourself. Self-searching, or rather, soul-searching as I call it, will inshallah lead you to success. Never stop your beautiful reflection into your ownself, while considering everyone around you. You sound like a beautiful soul.

    • First of all thanks for the detailed kind comment ๐Ÿ™‚
      Secondly yes I thought the same too…. May be it was not genetic may be I picked up his habits and some things more when I was a child…
      It is said that mind of a child is like a white slate or paper…. What you write on it will remain with him all his life ! This is a phase where his ‘nature’ is built and it can never change …
      It was a pleasure reading your experience with you father ๐Ÿ™‚ He is lucky to have you ๐Ÿ˜‰
      Yes of course Allah knows the best and plans the best for us !
      Well these questions can be really disturbing sometimes but yes I am glad I keep asking them…May be they take me to something one day….. I don’t want to sit idle.
      Thank you so very much…I really like your presence here and you sound like a real friend ๐Ÿ™‚
      I hope we will keep in contact ๐Ÿ™‚
      Love you and Hugs to you friend xx ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. Hello darling,little sister!
    Depression can be genetic…not sure if you or dad have been clinically diagnosed with that?
    I felt sad for you both after reading this. Same thing passed from one generation to another. Your father sounds like a lovely man and how beautiful that he opened his heart up and shared that with you.I’m sure that would not have been an easy thing for him to talk about. As parents we try to hide our own pain from our children and at times I think it’s wrong. Life isn’t perfect and human beings are very complex.Children need to see this, so they don’t grow up feeling like failures in their parents eyes. No one is perfect and life is full of daily challenges. I hope that you my darling girl find the peace in your heart that you seek. Take of you, little sister. Hugs Big Sis xxxxxxxx

    • Good Morning big sis ! ๐Ÿ™‚
      We don’t have a system here where depression can be diagnosed…. It is good too in a sense and bad too !
      But the thing I want to know here is not about depression….Depression may have other causes too. I wanted to ask whether the same thinking the same happenings the same way of perceiving things..That can be genetic ?
      I am sorry I made you sad ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
      Yes my father is a lovely man and he is the one I wish the most for all happiness and blessings.
      Yes I could feel that when he was saying all this…. In a calm way but I knew there must be blasts happening inside him…..
      You are right….parents should tell children what they went through and what life could be… Expectations always hurt no matter what !
      You are with me….And I know that…So I would find peace ๐Ÿ™‚
      I love you….. You too take lots of care !
      Hugs xx

  12. Nadia

     /  September 1, 2013

    salam white pearl!!
    you know what… I’m just going to talk honestly…
    mostly when we feel hollowness or something like that,, any bad feelings we do know what the problem is but it’s too hurtful to think about it. mostly there are too many things that you do not know what it is, you don’t know where to start …
    what considers mental function and emotions I thought about that for a while too .. I don’t know if it’s genetics or just the influence of living with parents and adopting the way the act .. cause kids become a lot like the people who surround them they adopt the way of moving of reacting and a lot of more things…
    you know white pearl I’m very sure that this phase you are going through is going to have an end .. that’s the only thing that cheers me up.. knowing that this will have an end…
    I think too much too…
    I can see things in my father that I’m slowly becoming too.. but I will not surrender to it… I will change it.. I will not lose the love for this life, and just wait for my death, feeling like there is nothing left to do, even though I feel like that sometimes .. I wish for you that EVERYTHING will just get better.. that what ever it is that is causing this emptiness not only to you but also to your father I’ll pray to Allah that he will remove it … there is nothing in this world that is worth to feel so bad .. I know that saying and hearing this is easier then just feel like this…
    and I have to feel like that too…
    I’m sick of feeling emptiness sadness anger and other stupid feelings…
    surround your self with positive things sis… I’ll mention you in my prayers and I hope that everything will get better soon for all of us in shaa Allah
    ๐Ÿ˜ฅ ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ๐Ÿ˜ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ˜€

    • Hey Nadia ! Its been so long ๐Ÿ™‚
      Thank you so much for the beautiful share of thoughts triggered in your mind by my post !
      Yes I agree….Sometime a child adapts everything happening in his surroundings without even realizing what he is adapting !
      That is why Allah always say to be in a company of good people because you are recognized by the company you keep !
      Thank you so much for the beautiful wishes ๐Ÿ™‚
      And I am sorry for the late reply !
      These feelings can prove to be the best sometimes when they are worked out positively ! I hope we both manage to do it ๐Ÿ™‚
      Thank you sis ! I will sure mention you in my prayers and InshAllah you will get all the happiness ๐Ÿ™‚
      Love you ! xx

  13. Wow 3 languages! No wonder you can’t remember! Your brain is being used with all that remembering of languages! ๐Ÿ˜‰
    To speak another language let alone write in it so well. Makes me admire you even more!
    I am so glad our paths bumped into each other! I really feel that when I meet someone like you… it is like getting a little glimpse of heaven and the love God has for each of us… that unconditional kind that can bypass all the miles and regardless of age… or race… find love in two hearts that connect in such a way that like I said makes me think of heaven! Perhaps not remembering is a good thing… Sooo glad God doesn’t remember all my blunders!
    Love ya my new friend… and I guess it could be a blessing to not remember cuzzzz the thing is… the truly important stuff… is what comes next and the memories you will make for yourself and others you know… now!

    • Haha may be that is why I can’t concentrate properly ๐Ÿ˜‰
      Thank you so much…But trust me it is nothing. We hear these languages in our surroundings as we grow up so they become a part of us without creating any problem.
      That was the sweetest admiration I ever got ๐Ÿ™‚ Love you !
      God ant to give..That is why I guess he don’t have time to remember our blunders ! He love us ๐Ÿ™‚
      Thank you so much ! You are the sweetest friend I got !
      Hugs ! xxxxx

  14. Chandni Lahoti

     /  September 1, 2013

    I am always amazed by how beautifully you are able to give words to some of the most complex feelings! We all sometimes think too much but it is from thinking too much only that poetry is born, not always in words though. Hugs!

    • Well I use to wonder the same thing about myself too ! Though the words don’t seem that beautiful to me ๐Ÿ™‚ I truly love you for saying that !
      You are right about the poetry thing…
      Love you so much ! Hugs xx

  15. Hello! That’s a lot of advice up there already! You are very bold in sharing thought and emotions this personal.I believe that emotions are not inherited but mindsets that cause those emotions or ways of thinking can be passed on. Have you heard of the book Seven Longings f the Human Heart? You might find it very enlightening. It tackles the depth of human emotions we go through and how God has the intention to meet every longing that we have. I also live a roller coaster life like you. One moment I’m on top of my class then I’m an average Jane the next! Very unstable indeed. But I’ve somewhat learned to embrace who I am and then also change what I can with God’s help. I also believe the other blogger who left a comment that, perhaps what you need is just a friend to talk to. ๐Ÿ™‚ Don’t worry to much about being different. You can master your emotions in time. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • hello !
      Well First of all thank you so much for sharing your views and for visiting here !
      Yes may be emotions are not inherited ! I am not sure though till now….
      No I haven’t heard of this book….But now that you have mentioned it, I will sure have a look !
      Haha this roller coaster ride sounds fun sometimes ๐Ÿ˜‰ No ?
      Well I hope you don’t experience it for long enough…. It sometimes gives you wounds that could never heal….
      Oh yes may be I just need a Friend….I have some mental issues I am not able to solve then till now….
      Well I am sure If you say so ๐Ÿ˜‰
      Love you ! And it was a pleasure meeting you !
      Hugs to you xx

      • Thank you. It’s kind of you to wish me well. Well, it’s not easy to have roller coaster feelings but I learned to discover the purpose of emotions in the process. Not yet perfect but slowly, bit by it, I learned how to deal with the ups and downs. Emotions, once mastered, can be very useful. They help us in creativity and expression. ๐Ÿ™‚

        The book is downloadable online for free. I hope you’ll find it useful and helpful. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Thumbs up to you ๐Ÿ˜‰
        Oh thanks…I will sure download it !

      • ๐Ÿ‘โ˜บ

  16. Hey, maybe I feel that same way on my past, but I try enough hard to search what is the purpose on my life, then I get some clues from the Holy Qur’an, and it’s enough for me, I go to physiciatric, but the answer stay the same. We (personal itself) are the only one, who knows the answer of ourself. So let’s talk and find the reason why God gives life to you, then you will find what’s your needed and what do you want majorly. *sorry for bad English, I am try enough hard ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Well first of all, I am bad in English too so you don’t need to worry ๐Ÿ˜‰
      Secondly Thank you for the response….
      I agree to all your thoughts….On a broader vision I know what was the purpose of my life and why has Allah sent me here…. But on a narrower vision I am still struggling to find out paths…..
      But I am out here on the journey and I am sure I will find something !
      Yo are right…The person himself has the best answers always ….
      Thank you with all my heart dear friend ๐Ÿ™‚ Love you for the sincere advice !
      Hugs xx

  17. My comment is not gonna help because I don’t really know (if it’s genetic)… But I’m pretty sure thinking too much doesn’t help AT ALL. I’ve been through sad times like anyone else… but I realize now that those super sad moments were a waste of time. Let’s be honest, most of the time I was over reacting. Like COMPLETELY. lol But I’m so sensitive. That’s my problem. Even though I personally think pain is part of the “game”… it shouldn’t ruin our lives. “Carpe Diem”… ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Well each and every comment on this post was helping including your’s ๐Ÿ™‚
      Sad moments are a part of life…Yes recalling them again and again and not cherishing the happy moments you have..Is the worst thing a person do to himself and I am like that person….
      I am sensitive too like you…. I feel more than the normal people and I hate it !
      You are right…Pain is IMPORTANT ! It keeps us alive….
      Nice quote ๐Ÿ˜‰
      Love you !
      Hugs xx

  18. ASA, You don’t seem to have Aspergers or Autism of any sort, however without a proper examination no diagnosis should be made. I would suggest not to take opinions of people who live in western countries and judge people in eastern countries by what they read in the media or by anecdotal contact. It would be a very good idea to go see a neurologist.
    Wishing you the best.

    • I don’t believe in any type of disorder…. It was just a matter of sharing and getting knowledge…. I won’t get disturbed by any of these diagnosis and as I don’t have these facilities I would never know !
      You are right…Many factors are entirely different in Western and Eastern countries and judging people here through the people there never works !
      Thank you for the sincere advice…
      Love xx ๐Ÿ™‚

  19. Asalamalikum….. I love the way you write… Too deep full of emotions! I don’t thibk I can ever write with such emotions. And the weird part is I relate to most of the stuff that you write. In this post as well I could relate so much! Except th academic I was good till 10th no ups and downs but boy did I slip in11th and 12th! SMH! Something I highly regret today!
    I loved sand castles actually I loved anything that had mud and water involved ๐Ÿ™‚ Do you like mitti k pyaale? I love its soondhi soondhi khusbhu.
    Keep writing and keep smiling. May the Lord of both the worlds bless you with the bestest of the both! ๐Ÿ™‚ Love you xx

    • Wa-alaekum-asalam !! ๐Ÿ™‚
      Thank you so much ! I love the way you write too ๐Ÿ™‚ You know everyone is unique in one’s own style !
      I am glad you can relate…At least I am not the only abnormal person here ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰
      Oh I love Mitti k Pyaale…. Love eating in them too though I rarely get a chance !
      I love you…and I am really honored on your presence here !
      I will keep writing InshAllah !
      Thank you for the beautiful wish… wish the same for you ๐Ÿ™‚
      Love you and Hugs ! xx

  20. Salam….this is one of the most touching post I have ever read anywhere. I actually had a tear hanging. This might sound clichรฉ buh I will still say it; always say a little prayer and God will give you answers.

    really lovely post.

    • W.salam !
      well this is a surprise coming from you…..I never thought my words could bring out tears in someone’s eyes ! Thank you so very much Dear… Your words mean a lot to me.
      Ameen for the prayers and I wish the same for you !
      Love you .

  21. Although I am no expert on this area but from what I know yes people have genetic disposition for the sort of conditions you mentioned. But these genes express themselves on external event triggers. So it is a combination of genetic disposition as well as what happens around you and how you handle it.

    Although you can’t help the genetic part, you can always try and alter your surroundings and how you respond to events. Turn to professional help, God, friends or anybody/anything you think will help. As you have yourself said talking to your dad about it isn’t a very good idea.

    Only consolation I can give through this comment is you are not alone in feeling that way.

    You have put down your thoughts beautifully. Hope your life is just as beautiful.

    • Ohkaay Now you are the first one saying these can be genetic ๐Ÿ™‚
      Well you are right…. we can always change the effects of our surroundings !
      I only have the professional help…and this is what matters to me the most .
      I love you for making me feel I am not alone and I am much appreciated.
      Thank you so very much kind lady for all the appreciation and love. Your words mean to me a lot !
      Love and hugs xx

  22. For moments in between, I thought the words were straight out of my head. If I could tell you how much this post touched me, it would sound quite unreal. The only difference is that my father has never shared his side with me but I can read him most of the time.
    I’ve been thinking about this for such a long time and at times it has confused me so much. And here you are, simply saying the words out aloud and clearing me that I’m not alone in this.
    Even though I don’t have the answers like you don’t but it feels a lot lighter to have a companion along the road. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • I am amazed to know you could relate to it that much !!
      I guess mind sets of many people could be same….. as we have.
      My father never shared anything till that day too… I don’t know what made him say it that day.
      You are definitely not alone….I am here with you ๐Ÿ™‚
      I can understand it is always good to know we are not alone ๐Ÿ™‚
      Love you and I hope we both get the answers soon . Hugs ! xx

  23. This is pretty much the case with most of the people i know (i too hav experienced the same thing)…I feel there is always gap between parents and children…both the parties assume whats going on with each other but then they really don’t get the actual idea…
    Parents are like…’we passed these same stages we know what the children are thinking’… but then they forget after 20-30 years what it was like to be young and sensitive…
    Then the children are like….’they don’t understand anything..they are different species’….Here even the children cannot completely fathom the difficulties of adulthood……This gap can be somewhat shortened if both the people talk it out, which rarely happens…

    • Yes this is called the generation gap…. I guess it would become less with time but It is huge right now. I agree to all your valuable thoughts. You know every second girl I meet has the same problems with her parents….. I don’t know where the real problem is…Of course both parents and children are equally responsible.
      Thanks for your nice comment ๐Ÿ™‚

  24. Your every word scripted reflects pain, your quest of your childhood days ..
    Indeed well captured:)


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