I should laugh.

What should I call myself ? Huh !

A loser ? A psycho patient ? A dumb idiot ? Sorry I can’t come up with a better word.

My life has been a total disaster…..I have been living in the house of my own imaginations.

All my life I thought I shouldn’t show my tears to my parents…I shouldn’t share my problems with the….They should never see me crying….. Why ? Because I thought they might get worried….I thought I have never given them any happiness so I have no right to give them pain because of me.

And today I am laughing at my thoughts. I am making fun of my own self…..

I was lying on my bed….crying and sobbing…..Reason was my parents.

They stood in the the door way…watching me. And then they left. They didn’t even say a word.  They didn’t even ask why am I crying.

They didn’t even thought I am dying for their one sentence of sympathy and care.

I am witnessing the pile of my imagination about my parents scattered on the ground right now….. And I am laughing…..

Happiness means smiling and laughing….Yeah?

So I am happy……I am so happy.

Because I know now, my parents don’t give a F*** !!

I was wandering in a black hole with no start or end and suddenly I am at the dead end !

(16th november 2013….A post written while crying and in extreme emotional imbalance)

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Grave Is Your Destination…

PakGraves

 

** Urdu lines are taken from a Naat read by Junaid Jamshed.

Duniya k aye musaafir , Manzil teri Qabar hai

Manzil teri qabar hai…

Tay ker raha hai jo tu, do din ka ye safar hai

du din ka ye safar hai…

O traveler of the world, grave is your destination

Grave is your destination…

The one you are travelling, is a two days exploration

Is a two days exploration…

Sitting at the back seat in the car by window side, she settled her head at corner of the window glass. Her eyes were wandering along the trees and the roads…. people of different ages on various vehicles, In a hurry to reach somewhere, to do something…. alone or with their families…. Colorful clothes…. Chatting , smiling faces…… Energetic and glowing children running by the road side…. bright blue clouds…. It was Eid day… Eid which is a second name for happiness……..

Ankhon sa tu nay apni , kitnay janazay dekhay ?

Hathon sa tunay  apnay , dafnay kitnay murday ?

Dafnay Kitnay murday….

Anjam sa tu apnay , kyun itna be khabar hai ?

Kyun Itna Be khabar hai…

With your own eyes, how many funerals have you witnessed ?

With your own hands, How many dead’s have you buried ?

How many dead’s have you buried…

Of your consequence, why are you so ignorant ?

Why are you so ignorant…

She had a bad mood since morning that day… She cried over small things… It was Eid ! She was supposed to be happy but she locked herself in her room and cried her heart out laying down on the floor… She realized her last Eid was the same… It started with tears too…and the third last Eid….and the previous ones… She realized ‘Eid’s ‘ are not made for her…. She realized her ‘Eid’ had not come yet… She realized she had no part in today’s happiness…… Or any happiness at all ?

Why ? Why don’t I have the right to feel happy like normal people ? Why don’t you feel me ? She had questions for Him….. He was not answering !

Then she realized she had been thinking about her past and the future , all her life…every moment of her present , she never had a present. Her present was filled with thoughts of the past or worries of the future. She thought, what If she dies today , this very moment ? What has she done to herself ?

Makhmal main sonay walay, mitti main so rahay hain

shah o gada yaha per , sub ek ho rahay hain

Sab aik ho rahay hain….

Dono hoye barabar ye mout ka asar hay

Ye mout ka asar hai…

The ones who slept in silk, are sleeping now in clay

Kings and servants here, are all getting same…

Are all getting same…

Both got equal, this is the effect of death

This is the effect of death…

Her mom was calling her….She was saying her to get ready…to wear colorful clothes…to be lively…. And she was dead already. She never knew for what parents is this said,  that they can know what is in your heart by looking at your eyes…

She had to be happy for the ones who love her and who can’t see her sad. She had to live in present for some time. She had to get rid of the unending dark loneliness inside her… May be thinking about life is not what should be done. May be death is the ultimate truth to be thought of….She stood up. She had to fake it again.

After all the fear of death follows from the fear of life….

 

 

Happy Post # 1

Exams_are_over_LETS_CELEBRATE_by_Loonalily

 

Wandering Eyes and never ending sleepless nights

Headaches ! Restlessness and Severe Hunger at its height

Mind full of questions to inquire about the Mortal life

Blocked brains and frightening Horror filled in eyes

Though enjoyed the time, had fun being a rover

But still, Thank God ! My exams Period is Over  😉

 

Yes ! I just took (most probably) the last exams of my life. Final presentation is still ahead but unofficially I am retired from studies. Back to home now , with all my luggage . Took a day to clear out the cupboards and draws of my room to make it worth-living again… And my “Cooking 101” and “How to manage Home 101″ Courses have been started by my Mom. Four more months to go !I am having a flu these days with a blocked head and flowing nose 😛 *Sneeze* But still, things are better !

I wanted to clear out some things to my dearest readers before replying to their comments on my previous post. First of all, I apologize for being so late in writing and replying to you, as you know I was hell busy ! I read your comments time to time but never got a chance to reply to them.

Secondly, I wanted to clear out the ‘Sad and Always Crying” Image of me, you guys have in your minds. Some months back, when I made this blog , I had a sole purpose of pouring out all the feelings storming inside me because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I did the same, but I never had the idea that I would make so many friends here and would feel like having a ‘virtual’ family. I love all my family members now . Anyway, so when I wrote sad and teary every time when I got sad, I guess people made a concept in their mind that I always remain that heartbroken and pessimistic.

I want to tell you guys, I am a (Its hard to say myself normal for me , so I would skip that) person like other persons of the world who sometimes suffer from depression and is extra sensitive to things I observe but that doesn’t make me an “always sad” person. I don’t have anyone to talk to and I love sharing my feelings with this blog. I can never wear a mask and pretend on this blog at-least. Yes, I , most of the time come to this blog when I am feeling worse. And I crave less to share happiness than to share my pain , but that’s not my fault.

You want me to write happy ? Ok I will. But then I won’t be honest. I would feel like I am connecting with you people the same way I connect myself , or to be precise pretend myself to be with other people in my life.

I can’t say I am sad, nor can I say I am happy ! I feel what I feel… Have sometimes a whole happy day, sometimes a whole day crying and sometimes a “crying at times, and smiling at others” day.  I am Thankful to God for everything , I stay happy and I laugh too ! Its just that I share more when I cry.I AM like that….. I feel hard to change myself. So I would leave the decision to you guys….What do you want me to write ?

Love you all…. Thanks for staying with me always and remembering me. I Love You ! *Sneeze*

Life Is About Making People Happy

happy-people-jumping

Once some one asked an old man , ” You are so old now, your hair have turned white, but I see you happier than other people. You don’t seem to be unhappy with your life like others. Is it fake ? ”

He replied , ” I have to pass my life, whether laughing or crying. Life would pass if I cry and it would pass if I laugh. If we have to pass our life with our consent then why pass it crying ? ”

It made me think he was right. Life seems complicated to us because we can’t see its inner beauty.

Life is like a walk to the beach Some people go there to search for shells and in the morning .  Right after sun rises they find pearls scattered all over the sand. Some people go there in search of pearls , they sometimes dive deep into the water but they find every shell empty. Life and sea both are too suspenseful. They are not under man’s wishes.

Life is something very strange. It gives things and takes things. It gives rain to the sea but takes water from it to make clouds.  It takes a lot of effort from farmers and gives them crops. It gives water and minerals to a stem and takes flower out of it. It takes a lot of love from the parents for their children and gives parents the wish to see their children according to what parents dream.

Life is full of colors, like a beautiful newly blossomed flower. With all the colors and shine, It pleases the eyes only if eyes want to be pleased. Life is easy for the people who search for happiness in every moment of it. And difficult for people like me, who want to remain in their misery . Who are not willing to get over their pain and step forward to enjoy life. They sit in front of the same closed door , knock and knock again in the hope that it will open some day. They don’t see the door that was opened when the first one was closed. They are blind folded. They get their part of happiness from life after covering a long long journey.

I once read, “Do what you have to do. Don’t do what you wish for or is your desire. You will feel difficulty in doing it at first. But then “what you have to do” will become what you wish to do. This is the source of happiness and peace ”

When a person decides to start the journey of life, he always chooses the easiest path. He never plans to go higher so that he may be scared to come back down. He just starts his journey. The one who don’t fights with life, gets his destination very easily.

Life is easy if we don’t poke into others matters and if we engage our minds in thinking about ourselves and not other people. If we don’t point out other people’s bad habits and attitudes and just concentrate in making our habits and attitudes good. If we don’t talk about people in their backs. If we don’t gossip about what other people are doing and saying. Life is about pleasing people . Once the people are happy with you , you will be happy automatically. Although making people is very difficult but we can at least try.That is why keeping silent is said to be the best way to avoid problems in your life. Make you inner self good, your outer self will become good automatically.

Life is beautiful if we know howto extract its beautiful-ness out of it ! Do small pretty things for the people around you. Prepare some recipe  for your mom. Text a friend and tell them how they mean to you so much. Buy a card , write some sweet things on it and put it in your fathers room. Buy a small everyday use gift for your brothers. Give the dress or something from your make up to your sister which she likes the most and hug her. Kiss your daughter and tell her You Love her. Do sweet things to people like listening to their problems and suggest possible solutions to them. Care for them, when they are sick and they need you. Take some time out from your life may be at weekends and help a poor child study. While going shopping, give some money to the poor children . Try to make people around you happy. Stop caring about yourself only !

Thinking bad about people, making Conspiracies about them, Making them feel bad with your words and realizing them their mistakes,  causing troubles for them indirectly and doing things which helps you but cause problems to people make life ugly . Every one has problems in one’s life. But no one faces problems more than he can carry . Overcoming the pain and extracting happiness out of life is the real task !

True Happiness :)

True Happiness 🙂

Be happy and make people around you happy. This is message of the day.

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